The Little Diva

All right, some of you Moms of little 2-5 year old girls know exactly what I’m talking about.  Some of you have Divas, and you know who you are!

I have a little girl who just turned four, and she is a recovering Diva.  We’ve stopped catering to her hand and foot– you know, like removing the brown M&Ms out of her pile, making sure her ruffles are straight, and helping her to coordinate clothing.  Generally speaking, we had stop fussing over her.  Which is REALLY hard when you have a sweet little girl!  You just want to buy them little hair things, shower them with gifts, and sweet talk her all the time!  They are born so precious and covered in pink, and there never seems to be a right moment to toughen up.

But all this fussing only causes the Little Diva to emerge. You know, the twirling around in the living room for all your visitors to admire, the patting your hair sweetly when they want something, the fussing over having the right color nail polish or “make-up,” the refusal to go out with you just because they’re pouty.  Think teenage drama queen in miniature.

Diva-personality can be created for a variety of reasons.  In my case it was because I had three boys in a row before I had a girl, so I was tempted to indulge.  In the case of some relatives of mine, the parents simply favored girls over boys.  Girls were “easier” and pretty while boys were difficult and rough.  In the case of a friend of mine, she simply had a lot of girls in the household!  And she herself was kind of a drama queen, so the climate was conducive.

Which brings me to the main point: it is naturally easy for a girl to slip into this caricature, and easier if you do lots of fussing.  Somewhere around the age of 1.5-2.5, little girls catch onto the uniquenesses of being a girl.  They understand concepts like “matching” clothes MUCH earlier than boys, the importance of icons like Disney princesses on their lunchbox, and the importance of “girl” toys, etc.  Because girls mature faster than boys, their social and emotional awareness kicks in early. They notice the special treatment they get, even if they can’t articulate it, and they can start milking it.

Now I do think treating girls differently than boys and giving them gentler treatment is appropriate.  I don’t think androgynizing our girls is the answer.  But it’s easy to go too far.  A typical girl can handle only about a year of special treatment before it starts to take over her personality.  Ask a mom with a Diva of 6 or 7 years old… by this point, it’s much harder to get the spirit out.

So around our house, I have made more of an effort to make my girl run with the boys.  I still treat her with more emotional sensitivity, I think, because she puts that out there.  But I don’t give in to her specificities, or hold back discipline if her brothers were in the same position.  For example, I no longer do the clothes thing with her unless we’re going somewhere where she needs to dress up and look pretty.  I used to dress her every day and make a fuss over this and that, or her hair, now I let her dress herself, praise herself, and I just do her hair matter of factly.  When we went to a friend’s wedding, of course, I made the big deal about it and brought out the curling iron, lace slip, perfume, etc.  She loved it.  But I don’t indulge her on a daily basis so she grows up thinking clothes and beauty are the point.  I think I bought into my relative’s advice before that all the girly stuff was really important in the beginning… but now I see it as a main route to Diva-land.  When I hear about Suri Cruise criticizing her mom’s clothes, I am even more sure! Cute at 4 maybe, but not for long.

So I’ve started to make progress on the external appearances thing.  And I plan to be beating back that demon for a long time.  For discipline, I have had to make more of an effort there too. I think I went lighter on my girl because she always understood what she did wrong and made efforts to change her behavior… TOTALLY opposite my three boys!  My three boys I can scream at and they aren’t damaged at all. I can correct the same thing day after day and they nonchalantly seem not to notice.  And two of them have a really hard time understanding anything interpersonal (i.e. like “you know if you keep cheating like that, your brother isn’t going to want to play Candyland with you anymore right?”).   But my girl was naturally conversational about these topics by 3 years old, so I figured just talking was really enough.

Wrong!  Girls definitely need to be on the same discipline standard as boys, or they will start becoming difficult. Maybe even slightly tighter before their emotions take control.  They may not keep doing the bad behavior as outright as boys do, but they will float around the gray area, whining, pouting, sulking, resisting, and trying to get their way by making you emotionally cave.  If you don’t punish these things (or discipline before it starts), you will definitely get a Diva.  Some divas will be strong-willed, and some will be sweetly passive aggressive, but all divas know exactly where the line is drawn and will dance around just before it.  Whereas most mothers of boys are tired from their boys crossing the line all the time, mothers of girls get tired from trying to prevent their girls from crossing it.  If this is confusing, just think of teenage behavior again.  Teenage boys tend to defy and do what they want because they think their parents are ridiculous.   Teenage girls tend to make life emotionally draining for Mom and Dad until they’re ready to shake her!

So I apologize if this post is too stereotypical.  It is simply the easiest way to describe a very real phenomenon.  Your little girls, if treated like little girls, have the propensity to rival Paris Hilton and Britney Spears in drama.  Even though they are only tiny people, they have great big emotions, and can learn the basics of manipulating them even before they can understand what they’re doing.  It is your responsibility as the parent to stave this off and keep doing so at every stage, for the betterment of the whole family.  Especially if you have more than one girl.  You want your girls to feel precious and fussed over, but only to the point that it helps others bond with them.  If the dad or brothers feel resentful, that’s a warning sign.  Also, attention can help them develop positive feelings about themselves and femininity.  But if it starts taking over their personality or the family dynamic, you have to rebalance the priorities.  Girl for the family, not the family for girl.

So You Don’t Like One of Your Children…

Ok, serious topic.  But don’t self-torture yet.

The other day I was in conversation with one of my good friends and she confessed to me that she didn’t really like one of her kids.  She didn’t dislike them, but just couldn’t muster up the same snuggy feelings she had with her other child.  She was heartbroken and crying, and of course felt like a terrible mother.  So what did I do?  Tell her she was a terrible mother?  Of course not– I told her just the opposite.

Now, don’t get me wrong… not liking one of your children is a problem.  It is something you want to fix as quickly as possible.  But usually the moms who recognize the problem and lament over it are the ones who do not have to worry.  The moms who don’t recognize it, think their kid deserves it, or are proud of their aloofness are the ones who need serious help.  If this is you–you actually hate or have thoughts of harming one of your children, please stop reading the post here and call a counselor.  This is still a fixable problem–and not altogether uncommon–but still requires professional help.

For the rest of you who are just upset or guilty for preferring one of your children over another, and don’t know what to do about it, keep reading.

Usually the fact that you can’t muster up the natural love for one of your children (like you can for another) means the mother-child bond is not as strong as it should be.  This can be for several reasons including:

1.  You didn’t want to be pregnant in the first place, which translated into rejecting feelings towards the child from birth (usually subconscious).  Or you had a very difficult first year with lots of conflicting feelings.

2.  You and your child have opposite personalities– i.e. they are melancholy and you are sanguine, or vice-versa.  You push each other’s buttons.

3.  Your child has a particularly strong will in comparison with other children.  They may struggle with common, nonpleasant qualities like bossiness, bitterness, and disciplinary issues.

For these reasons, firstborn children are slightly more likely to be unbonded.  Some other things unique to the firstborn include:

1.  You had/have no idea what you are doing as a parent the first time through each stage, which makes everything difficult and anxiety-producing.  (Subsequent children are often a more peaceful, familiar experience).

2.  The firstborn may be the apple of Daddy’s eye (or the extended family’s), which makes you feel like you need to counterbalance the extra attention, praise, or spoiling given to that child by making up for it with subsequent ones.

There of course a million reasons why you may not get along well with or just be comfortable around your child, but assuming that there is no real anger with that child (i.e. just because they exist!), you probably just need a combination of techniques, healing experiences, and releasing the pressure to fix this problem.

Let’s go in reverse order:

First, let go of the pressure.  This means stop hating yourself for being partial.  People are people–even as mothers, we are flawed, which means we naturally like some people more than others.  We’re not friends with everyone, we like different relatives more than others.  Challenging characteristics are challenging for us, no matter where they crop up.  Children are no different, even though we wish they were.  We wish we could treat all our children EXACTLY the same so that none of them would grow up and say that their mother didn’t like them as much as Sister Sally or Brother John.  Most of us have known someone who grew up with lifelong resentment about this (or did, ourselves), and we shudder at storylines which repeat this theme.

But the fact is that even if we were to treat all our children exactly the same–even if we were to feel exactly the same love for each child–they would still grow up thinking we didn’t!  When was the last time you heard someone with sibling rivalry say, “but I know Mom loved me just as much as Susie…”?  Sibling rivalry simply leads to accusations of injustice.  And children are utilitarians with brief memories–there is no way they will accurately compare your treatment of them with their siblings, from birth, and evaluate them as fair and equal.  Whoever got to use the car first, or went to a more expensive college, or got to skip leftovers because they were allergic to dairy, will always be seen as “loved the most.”  So stop trying so hard!  You can’t prevent this!

Moreover, different children need to be treated differently.  Your child is half of your relationship with them, and you have to adopt different strategies to deal with whatever they present.  You will have different feelings about those strategies.  Sometimes being the “easy” child even has down sides. Easy children need less rebuking, but probably get less attention overall.  Difficult children will need more correction and more attention but may become better thinkers in the end, because of all the trial and error.  This divergence of paths from “difficult” child to “easy” child starts even from the first days of infancy, depending on what the newborn’s unique set of issues are.

Bottom line is, challenging children (even if they are challenging just in your eyes) are going to evoke more animosity from you, and this is liable to cause hostility.  The best parents will eventually figure out how to calm themselves and love the child unconditionally even when provoked.   But this desirable trait is still LEARNED and UNNATURAL.  It doesn’t develop overnight just because you’ve given birth.  So seek it by all means, but don’t condemn yourself.

We all have a lot to learn about being good parents, and for some of us, loving is not the most basic. Desire the unconditional, unnatural love, and by all means deal with your baggage that is making it difficult–but don’t compare yourself to your mother, your best friend, June Cleaver, or the model in whatever psychological book you’re reading.  You may have to start forgiving your child for the offenses they commit daily, even if that sounds silly or unkind.  You don’t have to tell anyone about it–just deal with it in private, if you feel you have been wronged or let down in some way.  Or talk it through with a trusted friend.  Forgiving will foster more mercy.

This brings us to the second strategy: healing experiences.  You probably need to have more positive experiences with the child you don’t naturally prefer, in order to bond deeply with them.  This doesn’t mean you will achieve the same exact bond that you have more easily with another child.  Perfect equality is not the goal.  But to erase any hard feelings between yourself and them, the burden is on you.  You are responsible for taking action since you are stewards of your children and in control of the relationship.  In no way can you wait for your child to become more lovable–that’s backwards.  It starts with you because you’re the adult.

Practically, this might mean to plan a vacation for just you and that child, or to start a weekly or monthly date with them.  If they are at a difficult age, the challenge will be to find something that encourages the least amount of discord–you want to have a positive experience!  So don’t take a noisy baby to Panera or a covetous kindergartner to the mall.  Try to find something that both of you will find pleasing and easy.  And do not fall into the trap of assuming you can repeat a good experience you had with another child, with your difficult one.  Just because Billy enjoyed Little League practices so much with you doesn’t mean Johnny will.  Don’t chat with an argumentative child, play games with a competitive one, or cook with somebody who hates to share.  Don’t take a long trip with one just because you did with another.  Keep the healing experiences appropriate for the age, maturity, and relationship you actually have with your unbonded one.  But plan more in.

Positive touch is also very important. Anytime you can hug your child or touch them affectionately, do it.  You might not realize how little they have been touched in comparison to your other kids, so if you’re not a big hugger, make check-in points three times a day: when they wake up, when they come home from preschool or school, and when they go to bed.  Try allowing them to be around you quietly when you’re reading or something and they can just lean on you.  You’ll be surprised how much this behavior can conjure up the right feelings.

Which brings us to the last strategy of re-bonding, and that is: proactive  techniques.  Try to be practical about why you don’t like or get along with your child.  Are there any things which need working on, that are fixable?  Is the child completely wild and undisiciplined?  If so, the best way to start fixing the relationship is to deal with that.  Always take age into account, but don’t use it as an excuse to ignore the elephant in the room.  Is the child very rude or standoffish?  If so, start with manners and some hang out time.  Maybe the child needs a special nickname, a game they always play with you, their own space/room, or some combination of things you can give.  The goal of parenting, after all, is to keep your child open to your influence, so if there are practical issues which will decrease hostility, address them.  You will be helping them as much as you.

(BTW, as you brainstorm, don’t get into huge arguments with your spouse, who probably doesn’t share your feelings or understand why you have them. Own your relationship with your child and do what you have to do.)

If in the end, you still can’t have grace over your child or you can’t get over your hard feelings, consider going for counseling (with or without your child, depending on the age and maturity).  If you don’t like your child even after they have made efforts to please you, that is a sign that deeper intervention is necessary.

But if, like my friend, you are normal mom just feeling guilty about how easy it is to love one child versus another, or to hold and hug one over the other, then just start at home.  If you don’t naturally praise or move towards one child, especially the difficult child or the  “golden one” whom everyone naturally loves, there are ways to start.  There are likely techniques and experiences, which along with releasing the pressure valve, will go a long way.

The Shy Child

I am entitling this the “shy” child, although one of my sons who prompted me to write this is perhaps not the typical “shy” child as much as the cautious or worried one.  I have been studying this behavior a lot recently and, now that he is turning six, looking for appropriate ways to help him conquer fear and anxiety, especially socially.  He has basically had this problem since he was little.

Looking back, I can see that he was even a “shy” baby.  He was small and weak, clingy but happy.  He was easy—didn’t cry a lot, napped all the time, yet sometimes wouldn’t hang onto a feeding enough to get the full amount.  He gave up easily, grew up behind his physical milestones, fearful of trying to walk, and screaming his head off when I walked away from him, starting at about 8months old and ending I’m not sure when.  Probably at 16 months when he finally tried walking, and found out he could do it perfectly by then.  Toilet training was a nightmare, separation anxiety was terrible, and he sucked his thumb for a long time.  (He still does, only at night though).  We found out he had a barrage of sensory and motor issues, got him occupational therapy for that, and would stutter when he didn’t get enough sensory input that day.  He generally liked people though, he was exceptionally bright and talkative at an early age, and taught himself to read.  I never had any real concerns.

This may or may not describe your child, but the point is that the shyness and fearfulness began at an early age and it has been tricky to help him grow out of it.  We have only just gotten to the place where he was ok enough to do kiddie gymnastics at the YMCA.  He breaks down and cries so easily that most classes are a nightmare.  And most teachers don’t have enough patience!  Let’s face it… I don’t always.  I have a unique empathy for what he’s going through, as his mother, but sometimes I can’t handle an avid crier.  I  just can’t understand why games are not fun, competitions are so threatening, and most stuff he won’t even try.  And I don’t mean like trying out for the soccer team.  I mean, like he won’t try to throw a nerf ball through the Little Steps basketball hoop.  Or use a friend’s kiddie tramp in the yard.  Little things, you know?

Well, now that he’s older (6yrs) and so precocious, I have been able to have some good conversations about it with him.  And I’ve been reading up on the subject.  And here are some things I have learned, which might help you deal with your clingy and fearful one.  (I can tell this is going to be a long post, sorry!)

1.  Shyness is not a crisis. Don’t panic!  (Maybe I should have said, “shyness isn’t autism” =)  Even though it seems that everything for little kids in America is geared towards sanguine, extroverted children, eventually the more reserved ones will fit in.  For kids who are wary of excitement, the world can be a tough place.  As parents who want to see our kids happy so much, we just have to accept this.  There are melancholy types, and we may have one.  My second son is a stereotypical Eeyore, Gloomy Gus, or whatever and it has been a little difficult for me to accept this.  Yet I see the wonderful things God has placed within him which are going to make him successful when he’s older.  I see his empathy, thoughtfulness, gentleness, carefulness, and discernment.  He is analytical, scientific, extremely emotionally aware, and will probably end up in a counselor, teacher, therapist, doctor, or otherwise helpful role when he’s an adult.  I don’t want to squelch this even though I get frustrated that he won’t join in the Uno game or kiddie pool =)

2.  Share the positive things with the child. Whereas my other three kids are blissfully unaware of their strengths and weaknesses, and charmingly prideful about everything, my shy child is painfully self-conscious.  This makes it all the more important to start teaching shy children about themselves.  They are ready to hear it, actually, since they are already thinking about it.  And if I don’t interrupt the “bad tape” that my son is playing inside his own head (“I can’t do this.  I’m too short.  I’m not good enough…”) then it will take over.  I have to replace that bad tape with a “good tape.”  So I do this by sharing those good things I see… how neat it will be to see what he’s going to do when he grows up.  Even at 5yrs old, he was thinking about it and whether we have an accurate vision is not the point as much as it is that there is a purpose for his personality.  (Always approve of any idea they have, about what they want to be when they grow up, even if it is ridiculous or a bad fit.)  Subconsciously, I want to shift my child’s perception of himself from “my problems are my identity” to “I’m destined for great things, so I can overcome the challenges.”  Sort of like talking to the average 13 yr old who feels inadequate!

One way to help a little child who’s insecure is to draw a picture of a big bucket and put their name on it.  Then talk about what good things go in that bucket, like “kind” or “thinker” etc.  You can list these things and draw arrows into the bucket, and then put the picture somewhere they will see it a lot, like on the frig, or over a desk.  For non-readers, draw a small picture next to each word, like a heart next to “kind” or a thinking face next to “thinker.”  They will soon come to know these words as they see it daily, and you can bring it out when you have your talks.

3.  Teach positive thinking. This is kind of the same as #2 except more practical.  I actually teach my son to narrate what he’s doing, sometimes, instead of playing his “bad tape.”  The ol’ standby of “I think I can, I think I can” is ok, but my son is such a realist that “I’m putting this lace around this one, and then I’m pulling through” is better for him.  It replaces “I can’t do this, It’s too hard” while he’s practicing tying his shoes.

Also related to this is watching your language.  Shy is not a bad word, nor is sensitive, and the reserved child needs a vocabulary to talk about the issue as they grow.  Yet the shy child already feels like everything they do is under a microscope.  They feel that the problems they have are huge, but their strengths are insignificant.  If you’re careful how you speak, it can reverse this kind of thinking.  Obviously try not to scold or criticize, but more practically, try to give instruction instead of correction whenever possible.  And when appropriate, sandwich the instruction within two loving statements like, “I know you’re trying really hard to do that right, which is great.  I think you have to hold the bow in one hand while you loop with the other.  Then it will be easier.”  Pretending like everything is NO BIG DEAL is key.

4.  One-on-One time is huge. The shy child tends to appreciate the one-on-one time the most.  All kids need it, but the more tender or reserved child often doesn’t get it because they aren’t around as much, or are gentler, or whatever.  So make time and go get them if they won’t acknowledge the need to come to you.  And beware of leaving the child who plays alone in the corner, alone.  They probably don’t want to bother people, or have conflict, but direct eye contact and engagement goes a long way in warding off problems.  In particular, it keeps them from developing passive aggressive behavior later on, when they realize they need things but don’t know how to communicate or get what they need the right way.  Connect, connect.

One of the best ways to do this is create a personal ritual.  It can become very valuable to them, even if it’s just a bedtime story, or a weekly Saturday breakfast out, or whatever.  Even a non-demanding two year old is able to pick up on a ritual like this, and enjoy munching a bagel with you at Panera.  It tells them “I love you, and I like being with you.”  This will counter that negative tape they play and make them happier inside.

5.  Reward and Celebrate courage. The shy child is reluctant to engage social activities often because they have performance anxiety.  They may not know what to say, or to do, and so they are afraid of getting in the game.  And they may feel pressure to get things right the first time, do a good job, etc.  Knowing what “should” happen or what going to kindergarten “should” feel like causes them great cognitive dissonance as things “actually” happen or they experience what they “actually” feel.  Then they feel guilty or ashamed.  It is a very adult-like trap, really.  It takes some undoing.

Part of the undoing is to obviously teach as many skills as possible.  Shy children in particular need to learn eye contact, hand shaking, phone skills, manners, and what to say when they don’t understand or don’t know.   Many cannot turn off the fear or waterworks once they start, and they shouldn’t feel ashamed for it or convinced out of it until they’re ready.  Time-outs are often helpful.  They also need to practice with non-threatening people or contexts (even stuffed animals!) if actual performance is involved.  But once teaching and practice are done, then the key to reward and celebrate when they step out.  For another child, starting a conversation is not worthy of praise, but for the shy child, it is.  Speaking up, telling someone what they need, asking for help, trying something new, going to a party, singing in circle time at nursery school, offering help, etc…. all these things should be taught and then heavily rewarded no matter what the results are.  I’m not against giving shy kids candy for rewards.  It is a very tangible and non-consuming way to tell a 4yr old, “Great job.  I’m happy with your effort.”  Now with my shy child, giving him the incentive of an M&M to do something is different… it doesn’t work because then he feels all this pressure to perform to get that M&M.  This actually shuts him down and makes him cry.  So do negative consequences being threatened, obviously.  But an incentive is different from a reward.  His face does light up when I catch something good and reward him for it, probably because there was no pressure or expectation involved.  Find a balance, but reward based on the effort not the outcome.

6.  Get sensory and motor issues checked out. For my son, some occupational therapy (and now kiddie gym) has gone a long way in helping him deal with his anxiety.  Not every shy child has sensory issues, but probably more do than we know.  When a child actually feels everything too loud, too fast, too bright, etc., the world is an overstimulating and scary place.  Getting some occupational or physical therapy can raise their tolerance levels, as well as give them non-threatening one on one attention in the areas they need strength.  When I first sought testing for my son (then just 3yrs), everyone was so worried because of his fears and crying during the exams.  They thought he was depressed, had generalized anxiety disorder, and needed a neuropsychological exam.  I feared that only medication was down that path, so I persisted in my quest to take the more physical route.  I truly believed strength and self-confidence was at the root of the anxiety, so I insisted we try that first.  What do you know, it worked!  So if your child is afraid of parties, gyms, playgrounds, malls, etc, it is definitely worth checking this out.  My son not only hears the lowest sounds on the hearing machine, and sense all touches and smells more than anyone else, but he has bad visual discrimination skills so he can’t spot things well.  He can’t see me in a crowd, see Daddy coming back to the car, sense where he is when he turns a corner in the library, or get to the trash can and back in a restaurant without getting confused.  This of course contributes to startling and anxiety but is, thankfully, one of the easiest things to work on at home through worksheets, I Spy/Where’s Waldo, puzzles, and other visual tracking activities (try “Slow and Steady, Get Me Ready” by J. Oberlander for preschooler ideas.)   In my opinion, if there are sensory/motor issues behind social anxiety, you’ll never get the shyness to abate just by tackling them psychologically.  They need skills and desensitization too.

Chores/Milestones Your Kids Can Actually Do

So the other night I was skimming through a very popular mothering book from the 70s, and I came across the chore section where—i am NOT kidding—“holding the wood” while Mom saws it was an example chore for a TWO year old.

Ok, so I am not sure WHOSE two year olds are ready for holding wood or helping saw, but it definitely isn’t mine.  And I am pretty sure the book wouldn’t have been published today with the AAP and that kind of suggestion!  Fearful as we all are 😉

Now I am like many other moms who think the Culture of Fear has gotten out of hand (we have to say NUTS are included in Almond Joy bars, and all playground equipment is plastic and spongy now).  But I still don’t stoop to quite the amount of security that these co-authors had.  And yet, I wonder why our kids today are so dependent on us, as compared to the earlier days.  There must be a connection.  I always get a great laugh when I watch “The Patriot” and one of the stony-eyed militia men tells his curly red-headed five year old, “Look after your mother!”  That’s a sweet joke of course, but there WAS a day when twelve and thirteen year old boys actually were supposed to look after their mothers and work the farm when Dad was away at war.  Do you know any 12 or 13 year olds who could do that today?  Not many.

So while I am pondering this loss of maturity, I realize I’m not doing that much better in my own home.  When it comes to jobs, I have a tendency to do them myself because my kids seem so… so… dumb.  Sorry.  But they are!  They ask ridiculous questions, can’t see the obvious, and have less coordination than their PE teachers are aware of.  My own fault, no blame here.  Also two of them can’t read and two of them are very short for their age.  But I am looking to transfer ownership and responsibility to my young brood—to challenge them to pitch in and take care of their stuff—without assigning them jobs which involve saws or fire.

But what is age-appropriate these days?  What is expected?  (I should get some info from a person with a farm.)  But here is a list of chores/jobs that I have so far found to be age appropriate.  Each age differs SO much.  And gender and birth order makes a difference (My oldest are three boys).  And personality.  But here’s where we have so far been successful.  (I will add more jobs in later as I think of them).

3-4 year olds

• pick up own toys, including outside and bathtub
• clean up own crayons, play doh, puzzles, school materials
• put own dishes in dishwasher
• help water plants
• put laundry into piles (by color, category, or owner)
• choose own clothes, get dressed mostly by themselves
• gives everyone a placemat, napkin, spoon, etc
• helps put reachable groceries away
• puts stuffed animals, pillows back on own bed
• can “help” wipe, clean a mirror, use a dustpan, etc.
• runs things to the trash
• lays out food on plates, with prompting
• stacks things (cups, tupperware, etc)
• hangs own things on the frig
• turns TV on and off correctly, or other easy buttons

4-5 year olds

• organize their own backpack, bookshelf, closet
• puts things in the right folders, stickers in the right spots
• change a CD/DVD correctly (with training)
• work the basic remote buttons (with training)
• run things up and downstairs, to the right places
• put their own laundry away correctly
• dusts
• sets/clears table with help
• helps bring in light groceries
• can use automatic water/ice dispenser correctly (with training)
• helps plant flowers, garden
• helps clean out car
• holds a flashlight for you
• can plug and unplug more reliably

5-6 year olds

• wipe kitchen table off, use sponge without too much water or mess
• wipes most spills up ok
• sweep crumbs with a dustpan (well)
• brush own teeth (correctly, without supervision)
• buttons own shirts, snaps
• can help with laundry, using a stool
• puts mail in and retrieves mail, remembers flag (not on a crazy busy street)
• can put most groceries away, including the refrig/freezer correctly
• toilets without help anymore (except occasional emergencies)
• can change own clothing (dirty, wet, hot/cold) without prompt
• makes own bed
• straightens own blankets, folds blankets/towels
• can bring you over a hammer, screwdriver, etc. reliably
• helps a younger child with clothes or shoes
• can help a younger child at nighttime with an easy problem
• learns to put on own seatbelt
• can do a “loop” around our neighborhood sidewalk, on a scooter independently (not a busy street)

6-8 year olds

• comb own hair (correctly, without supervision)
• learns to tie shoes, harder clothes independently (i.e. belts, zippers)
• take ownership of dishes/dishwasher, plan ahead to run or not run
• folds laundry correctly, pairs and rolls socks, puts things on hangers
• sets own watch/clocks/timers
• can do assignments independently, coming back when it’s over or there’s a problem
• makes lists
• can change/replace soap, toilet paper, paper towels, etc. with a little prompting
• can (finally) assist in some minor home renovating projects =)
• can take own bath with slight, occasional oversight
• wipes a mirror, counter, or toilet correctly
• use a dustbuster, or canister vac with some help
• uses toaster and microwave correctly, with some supervision
• can ride a bike independently on our street
• can open and shut most car doors without incident

Oldest Child Syndrome

I am not huge on birth order theory, but now that my two best friends and I all have a bunch of boys, it seems clear that there really is something to the Firstborn Syndrome!

Perhaps you’ve seen it. You try so hard to do everything right with your firstborn, from the moment you find out you’re pregnant to all the crafts and classes they should experience when they’re three. You’ve prided yourself on having the right philosophy, suffering for doing good, making the transition from Non-Mom to Mom, and all of a sudden baby #2 comes along or your first starts meeting with playmates and it dawns on you…

My little one can’t share!

They also can’t wait their turn, let anyone else have the new toy, let anyone else have fun with the old toys, make the louder siren sounds, eat a cracker they don’t have, or generally avoid competition over everything. “Me First, Me Best, Me Most” is the name of the game. Jealousy and suspicion run high. But you’re not that way! That’s not what you modeled! What went wrong?

The problem is that your child is not able to Do Unto Others yet. He is not able to look at your behavior and think to himself, “That’s what Mom does with me. That’s what I should do with others.” That is too hard for even most teenagers to realize, let alone your three year old. Your firstborn is used to getting things first, best, and most because there’s never been anyone else to compete with. And assuming that YOU don’t act like a three year old =) how is he to know what other three year olds are going to expect from him?

I’ve had a tough time with this myself because our children are spaced closely together. And even though I have four small ones, my oldest is still the handful, still the one I am always correcting, and still the one I worry about most… Is he ever going to get it? I could never figure out why he had Firstborn Syndrome so badly when he had another sibling come along so early in life (by 15 months old). But now I realize that acquiring a sibling early in life as a toddler still cannot compete with growing up with others from Day One. When a person is born into life with others around that Mommy has to take care of, pay attention to, help, discipline, etc., it is truly a whole other experience. That is why subsequent children are critically different in the area of recognizing the role of others in their lives. They may be Type A personalities, fun, extraverted, bossy, or all kinds of other go-getting traits, but they will not be as socially/emotionally misunderstood as your Firstborn feels when he/she initially encounters significant others in their lives.

So how can you help this?

It can be hard, especially if you’re one of those moms who really tried to do everything right. You’ve respected your little baby, toddler, preschooler, and now they aren’t able to respect anyone else. You have to start turning their worldview around, slowly, from The World Exists for Me, to I am a Special Part of the World. In particular, you need to gently start inserting age-appropriate boundaries between them, you, and what they want. When they learn that not all words, toys, opportunities, and Mommy space is for them, but they have their own turns for attention, they will start balancing out. Make it a project for the year to raise consciousness about how they are making other people feel around them. Here are some things I’ve tried at home:

1. Make your firstborn talk to other children. Firstborns are notoriously grown-up oriented. They seem to ignore other children at times because grown-ups give out more praise and attention. So they interfere with other parent’s playtimes at the playground, take over your adult friends when they visit the house, and ask about what you said or did with everyone else. Some grown-up attention is warranted, of course, but the better strategy is to redirect your Leading Actor from talking to adults to talking to any children who are around, even babies. In our home, my firstborn wants to tell me everything from the dream he dreamed last night to the new word he just read to how his shirt is tickling his arm. Rather than try to teach him which things are important to talk about, I have switched to smiling and saying, “That’s interesting. Tell your brother (sister) about it.” His siblings are usually interested anyway! And it gets him out of the seek-Mommy-for-attention mode and into realism… his siblings usually don’t praise every achievement or coo over every wound.

Try this approach at the playground if your child is a drama queen or in your house when showing off behavior comes. Encourage your child even to talk to babies, whom they usually ignore because babies give no acknowledgment whatsoever. But it is healthy for your firstborn to adjust to a peer-centered world because it helps them get perspective (without guilt).

2. Adopt boundaries when you are talking or doing something with others. If your child, like mine, is all ears for every conversation in the house, adopt some nice maxim to let them know where their ears or input are not wanted. Sometimes I ask my firstborn, “Who is Mommy talking to?” when he wants to answer or comment on what I’m saying to a sibling. Or I say, “It’s between Mommy and Daddy” when my firstborn wants to ask or comment on what I told Daddy. If he persists, I say “Honey, Mommy is not going to talk about this with you.” or something slightly firmer. But always in a nice way… don’t foster bitterness.

3. Utilize time-out for real showing off behavior. When your firstborn has just a learned a new skill, any visitor becomes a prime audience. A little bit is ok, but if your four year old daughter is still plie-ing over your guests after about five minutes, or your kindergartner starts reading Green Eggs and Ham aloud for a second time, tell them they are wonderful but grown-ups are here to talk to grown-ups.  If they are truly interested in ballet and reading, they will happily move to a different room to do it.  If it is showing off, they will be upset.  Then the choice is: stay here and be quiet, or go to a different room and play.  No leeway.

4.  Have them look at the face of the offended party. When a young child hurts or rejects another child, they usually look at the ground. Or they go on their way as if nothing happened.  Don’t ever let them hurt someone else, even a baby, without stopping to pay proper attention.  Have them look at the face of the person with whom they ignored, stepped on, or stole from (or refused to share with), and go through a small dialogue about how they feel… “David, look at Matty. You hurt his feelings. See how he’s sad? He wanted to play trucks with you.”

5. Don’t ASK them questions like, “Don’t you want to share with Matty?” The answer is obviously no. Just gently command that they do so. “You should share with Matty. That’s the right thing to do. Come on, give him one of your trucks.” In my own house, assuming that my firstborn has more than one of his beloved item, if he can’t surrender one of them, he has to give all of them to me. But if this makes him happy, because it is out of spite, then I make him give them all to the other child for a short while. Only then can the child experience the pull that his toys (unreasonably) have on him. He has to learn that people’s feelings come first, that they trump that pull. If I do this with respect (not asking him to share something if it is brand new, or he just started playing with it, or only has one, etc.), then his conscience gets trained. He can try again later with the warning that he has to share his stuff.

Some people wonder about “forced” sharing.  It doesn’t make rational sense that making a kid share would cause them to want to.  But like all things with little kids, you can’t wait until they FEEL like sharing to share.  Some kids are sharers by nature, and this is wonderful.  But for those covetous ones who aren’t, the best way to get it in there is practice, practice.  If you start at 2 or 3, you’ll be surprised by the end of the year that they’ll probably get it.  A 4 or 5 year old starting can take longer.

6. Don’t foster possessiveness. Firstborns are notorious for feeling like others are invaders on their turf… they are using their cup, their slide, going to their school.  One way to help this is to try to avoid addictions or attachments altogether. I try not to let my oldest become addicted to anything that would make sharing harder than it is. No favorite cups, colors, toys, or foods. He has them, I mean, but I don’t cater to them… buying him MORE Lightning McQueen accessories, getting him his own personal dinnerware, or letting him carry around his Matchbox cars all day. This is almost anti-American =)  For my other kids, these basic things would probably be harmless. But for my firstborn, it just encourages possessiveness.

Also, watch your pronouns.  Try not to say “your” or “yours” unless it really is theirs, like their shoes, their hands, etc.  Don’t be weird, I mean, but use “the” or “our” for things which are collective property, especially movies, computers, furniture, toys, etc.  This will help enormously when you need to use something or another sibling/guest comes along.  It is important for little kids to know what things they need to protect anyway, and what things aren’t appropriate to share versus those that are.

7. Don’t allow upstaging or interruption. My oldest likes to talk louder so everyone can hear him, point out his own accomplishments…especially when a younger sibling is working hard on something he can already do, and race to sit by me if he sees someone else coming to get a spot. Gently, I expose his motives that he’s trying to keep someone else from getting attention, praise, or a space, and that other people need those things too. “Taking turns” seems to be the most helpful metaphor because that implies that he gets attention too, but just not at the same moment. (i.e. “Let Sally have her turn telling Mommy about the train, and then you can.”)  Personally, I believe it is ok to help older children learn the rule of letting younger children get what they want first, although there are some situations or children where it is not wise.

8. Give opportunities to help others and get praise for it. My firstborn is a natural director, so sometimes I give him service jobs that channel his controlling nature into something good. I look for things that he likes to do, that need to be done, and that the recipient benefits from, i.e. helping his little sister get her sandals on, going to see if the car is clean, teaching his brother the letter sounds.   This helps him see constructive uses for his personality but also practice seeing others’ needs. I try not to overpraise him for his work as much as play up how happy he made the recipient… “See her face? She is so happy that you got her shoes on! Now she can go play!”

9. Model sharing with him, in games if necessary.  Play turn-taking games, card games, or other exercises where you switch things.  Lots of little kids are really hesitant to let things go—their hands are always poised ready to grab—and this is something that needs practice.  You should do it one-on-one with him until he is sharing with you well… until he gets that with someone he loves, and can trust the sharing process, he won’t do it with others (who are not as trustworthy!)

10.  Put the shoe on the other foot in training exercises… Show him how it feels to be ignored, upstaged, taken from, beaten in a race, etc. Never ever be cruel, but consider some low-key narrated example for your little firstborn to actually feel bested so they can gain empathy for those they are besting. The best way to do this is to artificially replay the scenario that just happened, either with you playing the part your firstborn played and him playing the victim.  Or you can reenact with the two original parties in slow motion, narrating what happened.  You can have the parties switch positions as actors if necessary.  The point is not to enact revenge but to slow down and rehearse a situation that comes up a lot.

11.  Make him do the giving in normal situations. Make him give things to a cashier, take items upstairs to Daddy, give the baby his bottle, etc.  This makes letting go seem more natural.

12. Adopt some maxim you can use often like, “Let’s look at everybody” or “Think of others” whenever these situations come up. A 4 or 5 year old is definitely able to get the picture if you are saying this often, and while they probably can’t change their behavior on the spot, it will be planted in the back of their minds for later.

13. Community service or talking about giving things to others can go a long way too. Talking through how we give clothes away that we don’t need, making a casserole for a friend who had a baby, letting our neighbor borrow our CD, or wrapping up Christmas presents for kids who don’t have any, shows that giving is an easy, natural, and pleasant thing. All kids need to see this, and your firstborns most. Talking about all kinds of generous behavior as much as possible will give them the extra tools they need to internalize that type of message.

14.  Most Important: Make sure you are truly meeting your firstborn’s needs for love, possessions, and attention. Especially with siblings and playdates, they may legitimately feel lacking.  Or they may be scared of letting go of your attention, or of the position where they have the most attention by default.  Also, it is easy to fall into giving your child passive attention but not active.  Preschoolers and Kindergartners really need active talking with you where they knows you are paying specific attention and not needing to leave for some reason.  When you are confident that their love tanks are full, then you can be confident (and calm) during corrective activities.

Jean Liedloff & Continuum Concept

Recently I was asked by a friend to check out Jean Liedloff’s work on the “Continuum Concept.” Jean Liedloff is an esteemed cultural anthropologist who is largely known for her work among primitive tribes, studying parenting and baby-raising. She is perhaps most famous for her work in Bali, and also the Yequana tribe. Much of her work has become the foundation of attachment parenting, which in America has taken the form of numerous books on slinging, co-bedding, breastfeeding on demand, etc.

I have to say I was fascinated by her articles. She is clearly good at what she does and committed to her work. And she has not, at least from what I can tell, overstepped her bounds as an academic by going into political arenas. In this sense, I give her work the benefit of the doubt that she is truly trying to help Western society deal with their dysfunctional childraising techniques… as a counselor she sees tons of problems that she doesn’t see in her anthropological missions. Why is that?

She says, as all attachment theorists do, that it is because primitive societies use child-raising techniques which do not provoke anxiety. Specifically, they carry their babies all day, feed them on demand, and co-bed. And with their little children, they do not take an authoritarian stance or discipline them. Rather, they encourage the child to do adult tasks (like carry babies and help with the chores) and direct them only when necessary without an attitude of moral high-ground. Techniques such as these honor children as naturally social beings, says Liedloff, and therefore stave off rebellion, disobedience, and other less desired behavior that we see in almost every Western family.

It sounds heavenly… get rid of disobedience and rebellion? Who wouldn’t want that? Unfortunately, for those who think they can just co-bed and sling, and raise an anxiety-free child, there will be glaring disappointments. Here are some of the deceptions which underlie Liedloff thinking…

“The World is My Oyster.” You cannot pick and choose elements of one culture, put them in another, and get the same results. While it is important to be open and learn from other cultures, you cannot pick what you want and leave the rest. Well, you can, but don’t expect the same results! Anthropologists have admired traits from all cultural and ethnic backgrounds: joy in Africans, social benevolence in Pacific Islanders, diligence in Asians, earth-tenderness from Native Americans… just to name a few. But if we think we can be the Super-Race by picking and choosing while we still live in our normal American context and geography, we are mistaken. Trust me that the average wars over Cocoa Puffs and X-box limits will compensate for any anxiety missed in the earlier years =) Our babies are going to grow up American, like it or not, because we live in America and have an entire system with unique pressures and rewards that aren’t going to change whether or not we co-bed.

“I read half of it…” Most people who read Liedloff pick and choose only the elements they like from her observations. While she does advocate the standard attachment parenting practices, she also advocates unpopular principles: having a parent-centered regime, giving the baby a passive experience of life in the early months, having a non-entertainment worldview, etc. Rather than endorsing the permissive parenting style so common in America, she actually endorses a kind of authoritative one (with a spin on the traditional understanding). She also observes primitive parenting which is kind of startling at times, such as the responsibility given to preschoolers around fire or with younger siblings. And she refuses to endorse aspects of her observations which are not politically correct, such as very distinct gender roles, limited (if any) education, corporal punishment, religious beliefs and practices, and teasing or other tribal social dynamics to enforce conformity. But if you really want the premodern, “uncivilized” results, you need to have premodern, “uncivilized” package… they all go together.

“The Grass is Always Greener.” There is nothing wrong with appreciating other people groups! But there are admirable traits in the West too, and to think that another group has it all right while we have it all wrong is an illusion. All groups have strengths and weaknesses, crimes and altruists, and good times and bad. Travel internationally just a little bit, and you will understand this at a gut level.

“Down with the West.” While it is good to try and reduce anxiety and dysfunction, we can’t forget that we value traits which are essentially non-Eastern and modern. Look at our heroes and icons, what we want our children to be when they grow up: statesmen, musicians, doctors, thinkers… these are Western and modern ideals which have given joy and blessing to multitudes of people. And no matter how we raise our babies, most of us switch over to raising modern Westerners at some point. (Orthodox communities such as Hassidim and FLDS are exceptions, of course). Most of us value, for example: creativity, imagination, individuality, expression, inventiveness, popularity, self-actualization, education, classical training (i.e. including art, music, sports), materialism/possessions, romanticism, achievement, citizenship, humanitarianism, contribution, travel, or science. These types of things cannot co-exist with primitive or pre-modern cultures, which is why democracy, urbanization, and industry always transform a culture. And why hospitals, welfare, charity, architecture, medicine, and other advances have only grown from Western soil. If we aren’t going to be hypocritical, we have to acknowledge Western contributions to the world scene and not toss out the baby with the bathwater.

“Freud was right.” Freudianism has been largely discredited. Liedloff, and her colleagues, are basically Freudian anthropologists (neo-Freudian, actually), but Freudianism has been largely disproved by science and discredited in psychology. Of course it has a prestigious history and esoteric counselors still charge a million dollars to the rich and famous for psychoanalysis. But the best points of Freudianism have been sublimated into other psychology paradigms which make much more sense. And most points have been dropped entirely.  The idea, for example, that anxiety can cause neurosis is essentially true. But to say that morally training a child causes anxiety that will lead to a neurotic adult is a false conclusion. First of all, moral training is right whether or not we like the idea of it. Second of all, moral training can be done in a non-condemning way. Thirdly, anxiety can be caused by all kinds of things not related to moral training, including personality and environment. Fourthly, much of childhood experience is forgotten or reworked by adulthood when an individual has a chance to reflect on his or her life. Fifthly, any moral training that has caused anxiety can be addressed when one is an adult. And lastly—most importantly—moral training actually prevents neurosis by providing a good path for an individual to walk (i.e. a life of sexual freedom and promiscuity will cause more dysfunction in a twenty-something girl than a life of purity and chastity). False reasoning runs throughout Freudianism, which is basically a paradigm that blames Protestantism (with its strict moral codes, assumptions of sin and evil, and promise for judgment) for Western Culture’s weaknesses.  This perspective, while shared by many in academia, is a faith statement not a scientific one… an opinion. And the “science” purported to explain Freudian notions of sexuality, wish fulfillment, complexes, neurosis, etc., is very soft at best.

I would submit to the attachment parent that they have bought into some of these deceptions, which are worth carefully considering. While there certainly are child-raising practices which are bad, and a lot of personal dysfunction in Western society, we should be careful what we point to as the culprit. Is it morality? Authority? Nationalism? Industry? Education? Individualism? I would submit to the attachment parent that while these things can be abused, the biggest benefits to mankind have results from a proper implementation of these things (which Liedloffism is, by association, against). I would also argue that the disproportionate number of anxious and depressed Westerners in the last fifty years has been due to existentialism, or an abandonment of those culprits which Liedloffism targets. What we need is a more scientific and specific approach to fixing our civilization and its discontents. And we need one that recognizes the importance of the individual, the adult, and agency… not culture, the baby, and victimization.

Common Sense Parenting

Perhaps due to my British roots, I am big on good ol’ traditional common sense. For whatever reason, in America people tend to lose their common sense. Politics, academia, diets, and especially in parenting… theories run wild about the best way to do things only to create an extreme worldview that no-one can keep up. The answer, I contend, is not a better philosophy as it is common sense.

Philosophy is important but people do things differently. That is the beauty of this nation. Rarely do you get locked up for your differences, so you can feel free to choose what goals and methods you’d like to use. In the field of parenting, we have become so confused about both goals and methods that the average parent doesn’t know where to start. We end up “winging it” and getting better the second time around because of experience. We might try strange things with our first child—and God tends to give firstborns extra thick blood because of it—but by the second, we settle down a bit. Where we once tried making our own wipes, we now buy Huggies. Where we once ground our own baby food, we now have a jar or two of Gerbers on the shelf with big sister’s graham crackers for back-up. And where we once demonized formula, there’s often a bottle and packet or two of Similac somewhere in the house (just in case).

All of this is good. We need to let the religious view of parenting relax a little. Not because we care less but because we care more. We realize how important it is to keep the main thing, the main thing. Stressing over Cheerios versus organic Oatey-Os is no longer worth it. We have to figure out how to tend to a newborn AND help our toddler who is having nightmares. Or our elementary child who is struggling to read. These are the priorities of parenting, and worth our attention.

I write this because I think parenting in America has largely lost its compass. It has lost the fact that we are not raising our children to be children; we don’t need brats, nuisances, trophies, guinea pigs, or the eternal baby. But what we do need eludes us. We don’t know how to get the results we want… is what we want even possible? It seems we don’t know where we’re going so we don’t know how to get there. Expert advice has made it hard for us to answer even the basic questions. Having babies becomes this existential experience that we barely survive, let alone thrive in.

Let me suggest that we are raising our children to be people. They are precious beyond belief, but they will leave us. When they do, our job is to have made them largely functioning people with strong physical, emotional, rational, and moral capacities. If any of these areas are missing, they will be in trouble. We don’t deify their bodies, feelings, minds, or personalities, but we do look to help them be independent and successful. From day one, we look to make healthy, energetic, bright citizens who stand for something good, know how to work at it, and can withstand the various pressures and temptations of liberty. They will have to chart and navigate themselves through all kinds of choices and storms, as they tread the dear soil of their lives. As part of a free but suffering world, they will have to give to others but also take care of themselves. And they must love. They must give and receive love, or life will not be worth living. This is what we’re looking for. This is where our parenting must take them.

It’s a big job! From the moment they arrive in our eager, shaking arms, we have to prepare to let go. For we don’t really know when our children will leave us. Maybe it will be eighteen years, but maybe it will be tomorrow. Or never. We have to start as we mean to go on, and put all our efforts into believing and obtaining the loving, capable, moral adult we want. If we do that, our children will be a success story.  And sometimes achieving that story means abandoning “cool” parenting systems or principles that we have adopted for purely ideological reasons.  Or because of pressure.  Because if there is one thing that raising a child shouldn’t be, it’s political.

However soon they leave us, and whatever individual potential they have, they will be closer to the goal as long as we parent them. What a blessing! And what a challenge.

Bali women are not Attachment Parents

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that moms should sling their babies around and breastfeed them all day because mothers in third-world countries, like Bali, do and their babies never cry. Or that we should all co-sleep because that’s what moms in China do and they get more sleep.

First of all, it’s not true that Bali babies never cry. Or that Chinese mothers sleep more. ALL babies cry, and hardly any moms sleep! If you think you’re going to go through your baby’s life unscathed in those two areas, I hate to inform you that it’s not going to happen =)

Second of all, we’re not in Bali or China. Don’t you think those moms might change their ways if their situation warranted it? Can you imagine telling a poor Chinese mom that she needed to keep her baby in her bed if, suddenly, the Dr. Phil Foundation gave her a crib and a house of her own?   Or what about if Bali women suddenly didn’t have to spend their lives in the fields? Can you imagine telling them they have to keep strapping their babies to them even though they can now be home, or work an office job? Ridiculous!

I’m not saying the American way is superior.  I’m saying we can do what works.  The glory of culture is that it flexes our prejudices about the way people need to be raised. All over the world, mothers and fathers feed, clothe, bear, train, and nurture their children differently. And babies have been made by God strong enough to be healthy, happy, and successful in a wide range of environments. So people who think American moms should not do what they do put unnecessary pressure on us. With due respect to Dr. Sears who breaks the mold, many of these people are experts in the elite ivory tower and have no idea what parenting in the real world, America or otherwise, is really like.  It’s not that they haven’t researched lots of children or studied them.  It’s not that they haven’t studied cultures with significant percentages of children.   It’s that they have never parented themselves, or tried to raise a bunch of children for long-term success under their own doctrines.   This makes a huge difference.  I have spent considerable time at two top-tier universities, taken psychology and cultural anthropology courses there, participated with experts at Boston University who were researching autism, and have  a mentor friend who is Harvard faculty in the field of minority and ethnic parenting strategies.  I am telling you for certain that this is the case.

So not only is there a lack of (inner) experience going on, most experts have also spent six or more years doing a PhD and post-doc work in universities which are increasingly anthropological, pluralistic, and anti-Western.  In the standard cultural anthropology class touching on child development, the story goes like this: some unmarried cultural anthrolopologist like Margaret Mead goes over to Samoa, in the name of science, and sees how happy and well-adjusted Samoan society is. She then notices that Samoan babies don’t have cribs and are carried around all day, and so she concludes, “we need to do that too.” Then you get some anti-American academes touting her theory, which gets taught in social science classrooms all over the world, and dribbles down to your pseudo-scholarly Barnes & Noble inventory.

Not only is this anti-Western, it is disingenuous. We aren’t raising Samoan, or Bali, or Chinese children. We’re raising Americans. And because they are here, they need to be able to fit into American society, even if they’re Samoan, African, or Chinese. Do you withhold DVDs from your children because people in Bali don’t have them?  Do you boycott Old Navy because the native Samoans went around with earthy robes? Or do you accept Western society—because after all, it is your home—and raise your children using some of the icons around you? Of course you do!  If you choose to opt out of some of those icons, do it for practical, moral, or educational reasons. And if there is wisdom and tolerance and creativity to be gained by examining other cultures, then glean from it. But don’t delude yourself into thinking that you are going to get the well-adjustment from the Samoans without raising them Samoan (i.e. IN Samoa). Or that you can get a successful, well-tailored, broad-minded American doctor or businesswoman without putting aside the values of indigenous Samoan society. That is silly. It is even rude to the Samoans to suggest you can. You can’t pick and choose from other cultures, and add it to your own, like you would from a buffet. You denigrate the significance of a culture’s heritage by doing so, you act as a colonialist (thinking you can discern what aspects are “best” and leave the rest), and you definitely won’t obtain their distinctive results.

But third of all, and this is most important… Bali women are not “attachment parents.”  They are doing what works for them.  They carry around their children all day mostly because they have to, and that’s the way they have learned. If they had to add to their life the AP religion that the experts made up, they would probably toss it in the trash. They are practical, not theoretical, parents. They are not worried that their children are going to grow up feeling inadequate, insecure, neurotic, or resentful.  They aren’t concerned that their children will hate them if they discipline them.  And if they are, they aren’t slinging their children around to prevent it. And the co-sleepers of China or other areas aren’t sleeping together to promote more bonding. They are sleeping together because they only have one room, or one bed, and that’s where everyone has to go. Even poor people in America do this, or parents who are lucky enough to have lots of kids.

So if you decide to adopt one of the AP icons: the co-sleep, the sling, or whatever… do it because it is practical for your lifestyle, not out of Freudian anxiety. Do it because you want to nurse the baby quickly in the middle of the night, or because you have twins and only one bed, or because you have to have a serious phone conversation with somebody and you know the baby will be quiet if you carry her around while you talk. All these practical reasons are good and will not produce an attachment child, with the baggage it contains.

Preserve the method, toss the religion, and don’t look to third-world contexts to verify the experts.

Help! I Stay At Home and I Can’t Do the Dishes!

Here’s the situation: You stay at home with your little baby and even though you’re home all day, your husband still comes home at 7pm and wonders why HE has to wash the dishes.  And go through the mail.  And start the laundry.  At first you’re mad and yell at him—“I didn’t have time!  I couldn’t put the baby down!”  But then after you’ve done that, the thought does cross your mind: why IS the kitchen a mess?  What HAVE I been doing all day? Then you start feeling guilty.

To be sure, stay at home mothers all over the world are covered in spit up, still in their pjs, and generally hanging on by a thread when their husbands walk in the door at night.  This is totally normal, especially if your baby is not napping yet, or the baby is napping but you have other small children at home too.   Husbands typically don’t understand how staying at home with little children generally means moving from one crisis to another, and even though one of those crises might take place in your own room, you still don’t have time to pick up and use the hairbrush just inches away.

But sometimes there is something wrong.  Sometimes his rebuke uncovers a paralysis problem that is not just normal stay-at-home mom stuff.  It hits a nerve because you’re depressed and want a way out, but you don’t know how to get it.

The boundary between “normal” stay at home mom, and “paralyzed” stay at home mom, is gray for the kinds of reasons I’ve stated above.  Sometimes it’s not a matter of outward behavior, but of inward feelings.  A normal stay at home mom might still be in her pjs with nothing accomplished at the end of the day, but there is a qualitative difference between her and the paralyzed stay at home mom.  Mainly because the normal stay at home mom is at peace.  She knows the messiness is not the ideal but she just couldn’t get to it today and tomorrow she has a better plan to get the baby to sleep while she mops.  She might not accomplish it even tomorrow, but if she doesn’t, she’s at least going to get to the mail while she’s spooning Baby her strained peaches.  There is an inward mobilization that fuels the normal stay-at-home mom.  She’s not defeated and resigned.

The paralyzed stay at home mom is truly depressed.  She knows the dishes aren’t done but doesn’t see any way that they’ll get done for the next 18 yrs.  She is overwhelmed with being a mom, and it isn’t so much the “time” she doesn’t have to clean the house or take a shower—it’s the mental space.  She doesn’t think like herself, she doesn’t feel like herself.  She’s paralyzed because she’s resigned.  She may in fact have time on her hands that another mom doesn’t—this might be the first baby and one day the baby takes a long nap.  But she doesn’t feel any better.  She doesn’t use that time to grab that cup of instant coffee she’s been dreaming of and, relieved, step into a ten minute shower.  She sits right through the nap, thinking of nothing or just her lot in life, and sinks into the confirmed role of doom once Baby wakes up again.

If this is you, you are not alone.  But you are depressed.  It might not be post-partum depression… your baby could be two years old!  But you are depressed all the same and it is important for you to take action.  The unwashed dishes are just a sign, and the answer is not to despise your husband for bringing it up.  The answer is to get some paper plates for awhile and talk to your husband about the deeper problem.  Once he understands that your problem is depression, and not your lazy butt, he’s liable to cut you some slack.  that doesn’t mean he’s going to back off!  He will definitely want to fix your problem and this will probably make you mad.  But it is his nature to fix, and he’ll suggest ridiculous things that you’d better have some alternatives to, until you start taking some initiative.  It pays to allow this.

Once you get your motivation back in life, then eventually the dishes will get done again.  Let him help you rediscover your motor, what makes you tick.  Let him help you take care of yourself, and work with it.  Or if he’s not helpful, confide in a friend who can kick your butt for awhile—make you go to the gym with her, take a cooking class, whatever.   Get a counselor if necessary or join a small group.  Or consider doing a stay-at-home degree that will give you some work and vision.  Whatever it takes, do it.  Add to your life, don’t subtract.   Because no-one can promise that you’ll get the dishes done every day, but at least you’ll feel like you’re controlling your life again instead of your life controlling you.

That’s the goal.

 

 

How Kids Change your Marriage

Common wisdom today is to wait several years after marriage to have kids.  If you don’t, you’re breaking some unspoken rule that says children ruin young marriages.  Both my parents and my husband’s parents waited six to eight years before settling down to have children… you should have seen all of their faces when we came to them, with news, our second year!  They were totally adamant that “wise” couples wait until they are bored and own a house, to have kiddos.  Didn’t we realize we were too young for this?

Almost seven years later, I understand their feelings better.  I see that I am a much more mature person now and could have felt less intimidated if I’d waited until now to have my first baby.  I understand the blessing that owning a house and having some savings has for a family (at the time, we had a grocery budget of $35/week!).  I even understand that eight years into my marriage, I know my husband better and we’re a good team, so that maybe we could have had a couple less fights than we did when we were young parents.

BUT.  Teaming up with my husband happened largely because of the kids.  Moreover, kids change your marriage regardless of when you have them.  I’m not sure that having more time under your belt prepares you for this.  You’re still starting from zero, just at a later age.  In fact, in some cases, starting late might be  harder because your marriage is a significantly different entity than when it was younger.  For me personally, it was easier to make changes in the beginning when we were starting up, figuring things out.  When you’re younger, you’re still in construction mode, but when you’re older, you are largely in preservation mode (i.e. I have to preserve as much of my life when the baby comes, can’t let it destroy what I’ve got).

I share some these thoughts in another post about when you should have kids.

That said, for couples who are considering whether/when to have kids, here are some thoughts:

Kids make you consider how stable you are. When you’re married without children, you are basically free to take whatever risks you want.  You can move to a new state, start school or a new career, invest or splurge financially, etc.  When you have kids, your mindset changes from one of risk to one of security.  Some inborn risk-takers will continue to brainstorm new trajectories as they raise children, but most parents (especially the moms) want to nest.  This makes parents naturally examine their finances, housing, neighborhood, friends/relatives, and job plans in a new light.  You don’t need to be upper middle class to raise kids!  But the natural tendency when you bring a new person into the world is to make a stable environment.

Kids test your commitment to one another. You might have said “til death do us part” in your marriage vows, but once you have kids, the option to separate becomes even more remote than it might have been.  That is because, as most people know, divorce is even more awful for kids than it is for parents.  (Not to mention ridiculously expensive, especially for husbands).  Even if there is no possibility of divorce, the strength of your commitment is tested in-house.  All of a sudden, you and your mate are forced to ally with one another to raise a little cherub.  It’s like being assigned a lab partner for the science experiment that NEVER finishes!  And you have to decide, daily, if you are willing to team up with one another or if you’d rather fight against each other (or leave one another alone).  Lots of parents divvy up their roles and never really learn teamwork at all—they create a system where as long as no-one steps on the other’s toes, everyone’s fine.  But this may contribute to alienation after the kids leave home and sometimes bitterness over decisions that could have been made differently if both the parents had been involved and allied.  I guess I’m saying, kids can make it harder to welcome your mate in the same way you did before because you’re often at odds, trying to balance each other out.

Kids interject something more important than you. Or your spouse, job, finances, health, etc.  Overnight, a third party becomes the most important factor of your life.  Even a little baby, which has no desire of its own, can reorient all the daily decisions of life such as if you take a shower that day, if you talk on the phone, if your husband comes home late, and where you will spend the holidays.  I think most couples know this going into babyhood, but you can never be fully prepared for the total readjustment having kids will make.  They change your glasses forever and they rocket your sense of responsibility in this world.  Whereas you might have had lifestyle issues that were fine before, now everything is (and should be) under the microscope for whether it’s healthy for Junior to pick up.  This can cause friction, resentment, and sometimes finger-pointing in a marriage.  You have to agree what’s changeable and what’s not, and in what time and way to change things.  Grace, grace.

Kids can divide Mom and Dad. Thinking of a typical two year old, it’s difficult to imagine that one day you’d be allying with him against your husband.  But from the very beginning of babyhood, Mom is inundated with childraising literature and she has to start figuring out where she stands: is she going to have a natural childbirth, breastfeed, use organic foods, attachment parent…  And it is easy for Dad to feel left out, or to feel punished for having an opinion.  In all likelihood, he won’t care about most of the decisions but he’s likely to have an opinion on SOMETHING, and then the turf war begins.  This kind of thing is common throughout early childhood when there are so many questions and ways to treat them, and then the more important parenting techniques come into play later which can also ally children either with Mom or Dad.  I don’t need to belabor the point.  The main thing is that you know from the outset that Dad is God’s partner for Mom to make it through this marathon.  The secret that most large families learn quickly is that it is always MOM/DAD versus the CHILDREN.  Disagreements must be worked out between the home team members if you are to win against the opponents.

Another way kids can divide Mom and Dad is more dangerous to your child’s emotional health and that is when Mom or Dad use one of the children to meet their adult needs.  i.e. Dad gets affection from his child that he really wants from Mom, Mom gets validation from her child that she really wants from Dad.  These are codependent patterns that will always rear their ugly heads later when the children grow up and everyone has to deal with the fallout.

More on Attachment Parenting

NOTE: Wow, this post has become so popular by people who hate it, I thought I’d post a quick comment here =)

WARNING: let’s not confuse “understanding” attachment parenting with “disagreeing” with it.  I do understand, and I do disagree.  For fairness’ sake, I am posting the (corrected) link that my critic below, “AK”, suggested so that people can read what attachment parenting is, straight from an advocate’s source.  I still totally disagree.  See my other posts on the subject for more on why I disagree philosophically, psychologically, and experientially.  My respect goes to those who have gotten it to work for them. My understanding goes to those who haven’t.

Also, I am trying to address the things which make attachment parenting distinct.  “Loving your child,” “being there for them,” “acknowledging or helping them to put words to their feelings” etc., are things ANY good mother would do!  It’s not fair to say that it is province of AP.

http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/melvin_konner.html

* * * this is a follow-up post * * *

A lot of people exploring attachment parenting want to know if there are disadvantages to this parenting style.  I think so.  In another post, I discussed what I liked about attachment parenting.  And I warned against authoritarian parenting.  Here I will discuss what I am concerned about, in attachment parenting.

I believe real AP ultimately causes problems for a child.  At least, in America.  Maybe the child doesn’t experience problems until they are older—maybe not until they are spouses trying to bond with each other, or parents trying to set boundaries with their own children.  But I believe that most AP children will eventually face at least some difficulties because AP overemphasizes dependency and physical contact for security.  It also underemphasizes the importance of independence, boundaries, and disappointment.  For a non-industrial society with little choice in matters, this upbringing might be fine.  But for modern Western society, it is inappropriate or unnecessary at best.

Of course it is our modern sensibilities that many AP advocates think are problematic.  They might say otherwise, but a casual observer of a real AP finds practices in eating, sleeping, and being held to be over the top.  Who is going to have skin to skin contact with their newborn 90% of the time?  And 25% of the time, for a one year old?  Who makes it through six years of co-sleeping? Or three years of breastfeeding?  Or all the in’s and out’s of AP (of which there are many depending on how radical you are)?  Not very many.

The truth is that AP crosses many boundaries.  Forgetting about how you definitely can’t be a working mom and practice AP—are you going to wear your baby to the office?  Even if you are a stay-at-home Mom, the limits are stretching.  It is hard to take a shower, clean your kitchen, or do anything that requires you to put the baby down if you have a fussy baby who cries a lot and you think crying is bad.  It is hard to help your other toddler toilet train, play some stimulating games with your preschooler, or have some one on one time with your kindergartner if you don’t create some regular nap times for the baby (in a crib!).  It is hard to have some peace time with your husband at night if you can’t space a feeding or lay Junior down.  Thankfully there are all kinds of cool props to help you wear your baby around the house, co-bed, etc.  And any mom with more than one little child at home has several of these props that she uses and loves!  But the AP mentality of trying to prevent an infant from crying, to precipitate all their needs before they need it, and to generally prevent all distress and insecurity is enough to make any mom neurotic!

Moreover, AP advocates insist their infants will grow up more empathic and well-adjusted.  I am not sure this is the case… if it is, it is probably because of the extra care and attention Mom gives her baby, not AP specifically.  (Teaching and love will always yield good results.)  A key difficulty I believe AP little children may face is independence problems. Independence is very important in our society, and preschoolers are expected to be able to navigate a classroom with some amount of confidence and initiative.  I actually found with my second son, who was held the most, cried the least, and seemed the most “bonded” to me as a baby, that he was the most fearful of my four children. Even though he was totally attached and secure with me, he wasn’t with other people.  Even today, at kindergarten age, he has a very tough time in a classroom.  The security just did not transfer over, as AP purports it will.

There are so many factors that go into making a child secure that even IF security was the number one issue for infants, it is too simplistic to rely on AP to give it to you.  In fact, my oldest born, who had the most structure and discipline of my babies, is the most confident of my children.  Probably because he had the most teaching!  He is also extremely bonded with his dad, not just me.  He isn’t cowed to try new things and meet new people.  His temperment was not related to how much he was held (which was not very much considering I was pregnant again when he was only six months old).  I can’t imagine the burden I would be feeling if I thought my having another child would cripple him for life because I couldn’t wear him, co-bed, etc.  We totally didn’t AP—we didn’t even breastfeed.  Maybe he is not the norm either, but there’s no reason to feel like your kid can’t grow up secure because you didn’t AP.  Which is how the experts make it seem.  Or that your AP babies will necessarily be more secure.

I know several families and relatives who have tried to adopt AP, with varying amounts of success.  All of them are stay-at-home moms who have two children or more now.  Here are some detractors I have observed:

1.  The “Limit” Problem.
While AP advocates usually say they have no problems with setting limits, they must have some secret that isn’t in the books.  With only one exception, the AP families I know really struggle with limits and discipline.  At least, with their one, two, and three year olds.  Starting with the eating, sleeping, and carrying protocol for infants, AP has encouraged families to override their own boundaries in these areas.  It logically leads to parents to override  them in others.  AP (or AP-wannabes) become welfare states for their children, trying to make the world at peace with their children.  They don’t want their children to experience disappointment, stress, or incompetence because that would make them cry and crying is the root of insecurity.  Same goes for being/playing alone.  And who wants to start making a secure infant only to wreck it with discipline at some magical age as a toddler?  They started out with no limits or times for eating, places or times for sleeping, limits or times for carrying, and then they didn’t know if/when to change that.  It didn’t seem natural to begin structure and discipline in other areas, so they became permissive and afraid of exerting their authority.  I love my friends but I really believe because their overall outlook was child-oriented, their toddlers are a lot like the kids on “Supernanny”!!

2.  The Physical Proximity Problem.
Most of the moms I know who practice AP generally have their kids all over them.  Not just during the first six months when it is pretty normal, but into the toddler and preschooler years.  If they aren’t still breastfeeding, they are still very dependent on physical closeness.  Preschool-age children still want to be with Mom in the shower, climb on her, and have her around at all times.  They don’t always learn to venture away from Mommy or play independently.  They don’t always learn to get down off Mom’s lap.  One AP friend of mine kind of jokes that she never wants her husband to have sex with her because she has been touched all day.  Another AP family I know has two boys who seem very secure but totally break down if Mom goes out.  Another AP family I know has two boys who actually do better when Mom goes out; when Dad is around (who does not AP), they seem pretty well-adjusted and normal but when Mom comes back, they are whiny and clingy.  This friend of mine marvels at this and generally feels resentful that Dad has an easier time with the kids when she puts in all the extra AP effort.

3.  The Dad Problem.
Associated with this is the triangle between Mom, Dad, and child.  Some dads are totally on board with AP (along the lines of Dr. Sears) and this can make a really good family system.  Some dads are really laid-back and generally are happy with whatever Mom is doing.  This usually makes an ok family system too.  But many Dads get frustrated with AP way before Mom does.  They generally want the bed back, Mom back, (Mom’s breasts back!), the evening time back, etc.  If Mom is overly involved with the infant care to the extent that Dad is third-party forever, this makes a bad marriage scenario.  And this doesn’t mean Dad is petty and whiny about it.  It is just that a newborn consumes Mom’s time appropriately and Dad is entitled to “get Mom back” over time.  If the one-year old is still pretty much getting the same attention as the newborn was, and the entire house and system has been oriented around the child, Dad has a right to feel left out or annoyed.  Especially if they have another baby after that.  He is an adult agent in the house who has his own ideas about how his children should be raised.  He has also chosen his spouse for adult needs that should be factored in as the baby ages.

Also, if Dad isn’t totally on board, he can overcompensate for what Mom isn’t doing… he can become more authoritarian or discipline-oriented because he feels Mom isn’t giving enough.  This is bad for the child and for the marriage.  Mom usually allies with the child in these situations because, after all, she’s the Main Parent.  She may be ok with the behavior, or not willing to compromise the attachment principles, to get more obedient children.  She may pressure Dad to change a lot.  But Dad needs to be a Main Parent too.  And he needs to be on Mom’s team, not against her.

4. The Aggressive or “Overly Secure” child.
Radical AP can be very child-centered to the extent that the infant grows up secure but no-one else does.  Meaning, if the high physical touch needs and limited crying system continues from infancy through toddlerhood, you can get a toddler who expects eating, sleeping, and everything else to be oriented around him.  And he might be upset when he finds out it’s not!  He can easily become  aggressive because he expects things on demand and/or Mom’s discipline is wishy-washy.  Or because she doesn’t discipline him at all (i.e. for hitting her) because she believes it is just a phase he’ll grow out of.  Peers, siblings, schools, and other caretakers aren’t going to find this ethic acceptable.  The artificial environment that Mom has so carefully constructed is going to be exposed when the toddler ventures into the unprotected playground a more regimented nursery.  It’s so important for toddlers to be exposed to structure, limits, and boundaries early—even through eating, sleeping, and body space, since those are the first things they learn about.  If Mom chooses not to make those things an issue, then eventually they will learn it some other way. So why not make it an issue when it’s age appropriate?  It’s been my experience that teaching my 9-month old that it’s naptime is not much different than teaching my 3-year old that it’s time to leave the store.

5.  The Passive Child
Radical AP can also produce the other extreme, a passive toddler, if care is not taken to graduate the physical proximity and emotional gratification as the infant grows.  This happened to one of my friends who AP’d their adopted daughter from Guatemala.  They did this with the best of intentions because they knew that where she was originally from, the very poor mothers slinged their infants almost all day.  Unfortunately, this caused a hip problem for their daughter because her legs didn’t develop right… she had to have several operations and even a body cast when she was first brought to America.  Anyway, once she came here (at six months old), her parents tried to fix the wrongs of the excessive carrying but still instituted AP to help her bond and adjust through that traumatic start in life.  However, they essentially got a “coddled” toddler who was fearful, withdrawn, and a little phobic. She never learned that she was an active agent because Mommy was always there, slinging her, giving her food whenever, moving her whenever she thought her baby needed it.  She just had to wait and Mommy would eventually get around to it.  Her cries were indistinct, her wanderings were sort of aimless and whiny, and her personality was generally “checked out” unless she was put in a new situation where people didn’t know her very well.  At those times she would be clingy and fearful. Now it’s likely that this child’s atypical beginning caused some portion of her problems, but the AP did not help.  In fact, this child is now 13 and her mother swears that what really turned her around was a lot of structure and discipline.  And a Montessori education.  She did AP as a baby because she thought it was most consistent with her daughter’s indigenous culture, and because she was afraid that the child’s needs would otherwise be unmet as an infant, and that that would be insecuring.  But it turned out that the child couldn’t own her own needs, or interpret what her body and emotions wanted, until she was responsible for them herself.

6.  The Religious Effect.
Whereas authoritarian parenting can produce unpleasant results, one of the results of AP is that advocates tend to get more radical over time.  The laundry list of things you are supposed to do to be “a good parent” grows and grows. First it’s natural childbirth.  Then it’s breastfeeding.  Then it’s extended breastfeeding.  Then it’s organic food, cloth diapers, and making your own baby wipes.  Then it’s no pacifiers and a sling.  Then it’s co-bedding.  Then it’s infant massage.  Then it’s environmentally friendly clothing and positive correction.  It’s always something!  They are the new preachers of our age.  I suppose it has to be that way because anyone who has raised a baby normally knows that just doing ONE thing, like nursing for a year or slinging little Joey, doesn’t by itself guarantee a secure preschooler.  Or a baby who doesn’t cry.  Normal parents also know that all the trims and trappings of the first year usually give way to doing things the way everyone else does things around the second or third year.  Then all your crazy behavior goes out the window because your daughter is watching Dora and eating a Fruit-Roll-Up at Grandma’s house just like all her other friends.  Did the year of slinging and organic peas really pay off?  Maybe, although the main difference between your daughter and the non-AP neighbor is that your daughter still doesn’t like sleeping in her own bed.  So in order to see “real” differences doing AP, you can’t just pick and choose a couple things, or do it for a year.  You have to really make it into a religion. (Then proselytize everyone else.)

* The bottom line is that AP as a comprehensive system for childraising creates neurotic parents and children who can have a hard time with independence or boundaries.  AP advocates will insist that attachment parenting does not lead necessarily to permissive parenting.  But the worldview is one where parental authority is reduced to facilitation, the child’s needs are assumed to be good, and behavior naturally matures over time.  This does not jive with my experience of trying to raise  four little ethical preschoolers every day!   What happens if the dependency doesn’t graduate to independency?  Or the demands don’t mature into self-monitoring?  Or security doesn’t stave off resentment of limits?
My opinion is that while there’s nothing wrong with babying a baby, there is something wrong with parents who believe their main job is to keep their infant happy, need-free, stress-free, and secure all the time.  It simply can’t be done!  Babies are so hard to control in this way since God makes them in all different ways, with all different digestive systems, temperments, and responses.  There is also something wrong with closing one’s eyes to the demands of modernity, and importing techniques from indigenous cultures.  Americans, for better or for worse, aren’t geared to excessive physical closeness and long-term breastfeeding on demand.  And American children, for better or for worse, are not being raised as citizens of an pre-modern, collective farming culture like the Kung San tribal children.  Our goals for our children are completely different, so it shouldn’t be a surprise that our baby-care techniques reflect that.

“Mommy, I’m BORED!”

There is probably no other complaint that can get a mom so upset.  Especially during summertime.  When it seems like everything is already down and dumpy, this comment can be the one that shoots Mom through the roof.  Even if it isn’t actually SAID, the one year old toddler has a way of making this known.  It can be SOOO frustrating!

Here’s the good news: you don’t have to do anything about it.  Lots has been written on boredom and how boredom is the source of creativity: if you get bored with life, you look for something to do.  So the application goes: if your child is bored with what they have, they need to look for a new way to use it.  But most kids under three have a limited imagination (especially if they are special needs), so it can be hard to wait through the tantrum or trouble a bored little kid gets into when they don’t know how to use what they’ve got.  Kids over three have great imaginations, but it can be hard to get them to want to use it.

Still, if I could impart one lesson to a new stay at home mom, it would be: don’t give into to the Boredom Complaint.  I used to all the time, and I’d go play with my child.  And it made him more dependent on me than ever.  I used to think he’d never use his imagination if I didn’t jump in, but I found out that my jumping in actually stalled him.  I think he was four or five years old before he’d really just play.

Now that doesn’t mean parents should never play with their children.  I totally believe they should, and my husband and I have some playtime with our kids every day, even if it’s just a botched game of UNO.  When my first was smaller, I used to use play therapy with him for his special needs.  That was extremely effective.  And he had Early Intervention too, which was also play therapy.  However, giving into the Boredom Complaint is not play therapy.  It’s manipulation… you’re trying to get your child to settle down and be happy instead of taking the stereo apart (if he’s a boy) or whining around your leg all day (if she’s a girl), and so you give in.  I know lots of people who swear that their girls in particular won’t DO anything.  They have to play with them!  What else could they do?

Well, a young child has to be trained to play of course.  They’re not six year olds who are enthralled with their lego castles yet.  (YET!)   As irony goes, your child won’t really get into settled down playing until they’re school age and not allowed to play all day anymore =)  But that still doesn’t mean you should be playing with your little guy all day… park trips, play time, cooking time, game time, etc.  If you are playing with your child all day except for when they nap or watch TV, then you are eventually going to end up with one big TV watcher!  I’m not kidding!  You have to find a way to HANG OUT with your child without playing with them.  Some children are persistent and even more moms are cave-in’s.  but your life will be SO much better if you do.

This is particularly difficult with your first child because it’s just you and him/her.  You look at each other all day and you’re tuned into each other’s emotions, schedule, etc.  It’s like you overlap in some ways.  Moreover, a baby needs 24/7 care, so it’s difficult to know how or when you should start leaving your “baby” alone.  At one, do you suddenly dissociate?  No, that’s not what I’m saying.

What I’m saying is, my later children are better adjusted than my earlier ones because they grew up not being focused on.  They were paid attention to a lot, but not focused on. There’s a huge difference. My little two year old (fourth child) still mostly shadows me all day.  But that’s her choice.  She has three other siblings to play with, so if she chooses to follow me around, then that’s her problem not mine.  I talk with her and sometimes share things with her or make them into an interesting activity for her, but I do it when it’s right for ME.  I don’t do it because she’s demanding it.  And if she’s in my way too much, I send her away.  This might hurt her feelings at first and then she suddenly realizes that she’d LIKE to play lego castles with her brother.  In personality, she’s a lot like her cousin who also shadows her mom and grandmom.  But the difference is that they feel bound to their little girl like she’s sucking the life out of them.  They feel obligated to “play” with her, to “educate” her, and make her happy, whereas I feel free to do the things I’m doing (most of the time 😉  The main difference is in attitude: my little girl and I are HANGING OUT.  I love her and accept her.  That’s what families do.

So that’s my best piece of advice for mom and her two year old.  Hang out, but don’t focus.  This is difficult, but if you can pretend that you have other children around and a life to live while you’re shuttling just two year old Junior around, then do it.  Make calls, go to the mall (your favorite stores), and eat at the cafe you’d like.  Go to the playground if you want, but don’t feel obligated to suit your whole schedule around Junior.  Just make sure it’s Junior-friendly (i.e. no china shopping).  When you finally do have baby number 2, it will be the healthiest thing that’s happened to all of you.  But if you don’t plan on having baby number 2 until your first child is 3, 4, or 5 yrs old, you’d better start shifting into HANGOUT mode now.  I’m telling you: this is the number one thing that will change your stay at home experience =)

NOTE: for older kids, when they say “I’m Bored” you have three choices; either take away all their toys except for one ball.  Or throw them outside, even if it’s hot or drizzling.  Or make them work on a workbook or the laundry.  Any of these three options will get their imaginations fired up again in no time.

Self Esteem

Ok, I have a confession to make.  For my first two sons, I fell into the self-esteem trap of parenting.  You know, the “you can’t praise too much” trap?  Or sometimes it is said, “Make sure you give 10 good remarks for every 1 negative one.”  I really thought the more I heaped on praise, the better my children would feel about themselves.  Or at least I thought, if I avoided a lot of corrections, they would.

Turns out, I was wrong.  Like most moms, I sheltered my firstborn and he is now the most bitter and grumpy of my children.  Actually, he’s not too bad but in comparison to my third and fourth children, there’s no comparison to be made.  They are always happy, and my first is always needing a pick me up.  My second born is not too much better although he has a melancholy temperament (and always has) so I try not to take his sadness too seriously.

Nowhere can this be seen more clearly than in my typical homeschooling routine.  I have just started homeschooling in the last two years, and my kids follow a predictable line up: my firstborn starts off well but usually gets grumpy and frustrated with work, my second born is not totally happy but is very excited when he gets to do something “bigger” that his older brother gets to do (i.e. write a sentence!).  My third, who is only four and not kindergarten age yet, happily begs to work throughout the day.  And my fourth is too happy to care whether she gets a turn to work or not.   HA!

Some of this is surely typical of birth order and homeschool in general.  It’s hard to pioneer, it’s easier to follow.  And things become more fun with time.  But I am also sure that it is more than a homeschooling phenomenon… it’s kind of the same in every area of life.  Part of this is, I believe, due to the self esteem problem and the motivation style differences in my children.

For my firstborn, my husband and I were the typical parents cooing over the baby and over-obsessing about his developmental milestones.  He had some speech problems, so that made us all the more myopic.  We taught him and tutored him, we played games, we took him to specialists, he went to preschool etc.  And he had lots and lots of attention and praise.  Now at age 6.5, however, he is mainly externally motivated.  He’s motivated by praise and attention, but he has a hard time being happy when he doesn’t have it.  ANd like any child, the more they have, the more they want.  So school is difficult not because he doesn’t have enough character to stick with it–he does.  But it isn’t a joy to him, and that’s the hard thing.  Every parent wants their child to ENJOY learning, to be a reader, to get enthralled with some subject and just take off.  But he isn’t intrinsically motivated… yet.  He doesn’t see the thrill in making up a story, coloring a picture, or working on a project.  He just wants to get it done and then it’s over.  He likes learning of course, because he likes to be smarter than everyone else.  I think it makes him feel good to know things (as real self esteem should!).  But he doesn’t like or embrace the path to getting there.  It’s a battle.

In fact everything in his life is like that… if it’s not being monitored, it falls apart.  Very conditional, externally motivated ethics.  My second born, whom we did not lavish attention on, is slightly better adjusted.  But because he too had some special needs as a preschooler (sensory issues), he is also very hard to praise.  He has pretty good intrinsic motivation actually, and loves to get into science, art, or English.  But when I try to make him feel better about himself, it never works. I  can praise and praise.  I can encourage and encourage, and it doesn’t seem to make a difference. At 5.5yrs, he has a particularly salient perfectionism problem, and it is hard to get him to be happy with what he does.  It was like that when he was two and struggling with physical milestones, and all the praise in the world from me did not seem to convince him in his inner thoughts.  He’s mildly unconfident that what he does is good enough.

Now we come to my third and fourth children who, while they are far from perfect, are much more functional.  At least in the self-esteem department. I’ve never made an effort to praise them over and above—in fact, I’ve never worried about it—and they’re healthier!  They don’t seem hung up like their counterparts.  And I am sure letting the self-esteem education is part of it.  I’ve learned that the self-esteem really has to come from within.  It can’t be GIVEN or forced by an external party.  And in order for teh self-esteem to come from within, it has to be related to things the child can do for themselves.  So the more my children can do for themselves independently, the happier they are about it and the more intrinsically motivated they are to do it.  If I am happy about it too much, then I usurp their own happiness about it.  If I motivate it too much, then I usurp their motivation to do it.  There is a certain distance or disattachment that is important to healthy self esteem development.

That doesn’t mean I can be neglectful.  Being a passive and aloof parent will not yield a child who feels loved and praised.   But there is a certain KIND of distance which is very important to give a child, which I apparently did not give to my firstborn.  I tried to give it to my second born more, but he was hung up in a stage where he felt inept, and that went counteracted fora  long time.  So the kids have to experience victory for themselves, and they have to even initiate these victorious things.  The problem with my firsborn is that he doesn’t initiate things for himself—I have to be the initiator—so he can’t feel as happy about it.  That is one cycle of external motivation that is hard to break.  The areas where I don’t have any input (i.e. his lego building) tends to be the areas where he really excells and has his own fun.   ANd the more I push him to learn, even though he resents it at first, eventually becomes points of victory for him too because he gets more competence as he learns.

So it’s a tricky thing, but I just wanted to pass on the small bits of wisdom I’ve so far learned the hard way =)

How To Discipline

Ok, here are the rules…

1. Pick your battles
2. Don’t use too much force
3. Have a matter of fact, kind but firm attitude.
   
4. Use the most psychologically simple method as possible (K.I.S.S.)

Having guided four little people through baby and toddlerhood (now preschool and kindergarten), these are my four staple rules for disciplining. They really work!

1. Pick your battles.

This is so important. My kids are soooo lovable!! But they also have so many things wrong with them! Mommying wouldn’t be mommying without all the “don’t take from your brother,” “please pick up your jacket,” “don’t stuff that in your mouth,” and “leave the walls alone” that I do all day. In this type of environment, when amplified by 100 other corrections, multiplied by four siblings, and experienced every day, it is easy to lose perspective.  That is why it is so important to take a step back, take a deep breath, and pick your battles.

Picking my battles has historically meant that I try to discipline things which 1) occur regularly and predictably, 2) are very upsetting to me, and 3) have visible ways of knowing when they are fixed. It does no good to discipline something that occurs infrequently, makes no real difference to your life, or carries only a vague sentiment of when it’s fixed.  You have to pick something that fits all three criteria, at least for best results.

But if you use these criteria, I promise it will work! It will work for both you and your child because you won’t exasperate them and you’ll know when it’s getting better.  It will probably have other implications that you like. You can pick any behavior you want, and you can employ this strategy equally well from older baby to kindergarten. Around eight or nine months of age, one of my first “discipline” areas was the high chair. For some reason, three of my four kiddos hated being sat in the high chair. They used to scream their heads off! So even though they may have done other things which drove me crazy, screaming their heads off in the high chair was 1) regular and predictable, 2) upsetting (and unsafe, if I was trying to get them to swallow), and 3) had a measurable goal—sitting in peace. Once I picked this battle, I had to be prepared to win. But picking a good one set me up for success. And once I got them to sit in their high chair, this had the unintended benefit of allowing me to sit them in other places with less of a fuss, including their cribs and carseats. Yay!

Baby battles which I have found to be easily winnable at the earliest ages (6-9mos) with a little discipline are: screaming/kicking in the crib, interfering with a diaper change, and touching something hands-off. (Methods vary).  Food etiquette (no spitting, no biting) is also largely winnable as long as you are using common sense in when, what, and how much you’re feeding.

Toddlers and preschoolers respond to your picking battles too. In fact, if you are not progressing with your 2-4 year old, it may be because you need more discernment in your battles. You can’t get them to “listen to you” or “be good.” But you can train/discipline them so they stay in their beds, come when you call, not throw a fit, leave the light switches alone, etc. If you are just foraying into real discipline, try to start by picking the behavior that is most disrupting your life at the moment, and make sure it’s specific. Then, apply the discipline in a very lawful fashion every time you encounter that behavior (which should be predictable). The more consistent you are, the better results you’ll get. And it is easy to stay consistent as long as its regular, upsetting, and specific. People get into trouble when they try to fix something too large or too general. Discipline lawfully, religiously, but only in a small area. Then your child’s will will not be provoked or abused.

2. Don’t use too much force.

Abuse can occur if you use too much force. (Duh).  Everyone knows about the danger of physical abuse, but emotional abuse can occur as well. Little kids are little!! They have little bodies, little wills, and little thoughts! You have to treat them as such, even though they are of course capable of producing big emotional ruckus and big emotional reactions in grown people such as yourself =) Unless the child is in imminent danger (i.e. running towards the street), always err on the side of using less force rather than more. You might have to repeat the discipline, but this is better than causing damage.

By “force” I mean verbal and non-verbal things such as the intensity of your voice, speed of reaction time, curtness of vocabulary, severity of consequence, physical adjustment administered, psychological effect intended, amount of time for consequence, etc. All these things are part of the correction and should be appropriate to the offense.   If you have a quick temper, take a breather! Drama never works. Most toddlers respond better to understatement than overstatement.  I call this the paradox of intensity—a bigger issue is corrected better with less force, while more force almost guarantees that it will occur again.  If you do time-outs, shorter ones (30 seconds to five minutes) usually work better than longer ones.  And speed and consistency are more important than emotional intensity.

But beware of underreacting as many moms do… your kids just won’t get the picture that they have actually done something wrong if you are Mrs. Sweetie-Pants.  Emotion and intensity convey part of that picture, so use it wisely. Don’t feel that being syrupy or stoic (i.e. playing child psychologist) is more moral. People are emotional creatures and toddlers need to learn correct emotional cues, including faces, tone of voice, gestures, etc. If you don’t teach these things because you think they’re evil, your kids are going to have problems with others who expect them to respond appropriately to their non-verbal cues.

So how much force do you use? Trial and error is really the best teacher here  because only you know what your child needs.  If he doesn’t have enough fear, you need to create a little. (Just a little!). If she is negligent, you need to call attention to the pattern. If he is sensitive, you need to dump on extra acceptance during the process. But don’t usurp the learning process with your own zeal. Allow the child to develop his own inner drama instead of watching yours.  Obviously more aggressive kids need more force and sensitive kids need less. Some kids need talk and some kids need action.  But usually actions speak louder than words, especially for boys, and especially for 1 and 2 yr olds.  For strong willed children, usually the law of paradoxical intensity comes into play… less  force or more space will prompt a better reaction.  I have noticed, for example, that my toddlers responded better to a simple warning (“close the trash can please”) and my turning away from them as if I trusted them to do it—rather than a “no-no!” and my eyeballing their every move.  No-no’s and eyeballing get you into a power struggle very quickly.  On the other hand, when it came to protecting my siblings from one another, in a physical situation, I found that using quick, curt intervention (“Absolutely not!” while I came close to them) worked best as a deterrent… as if I was showing them that I would always be firm in protecting/preventing a victim.

Just FYI, gentle physical contact such as a hand on the shoulder, stooping down to their level, or touching the part of their body that got them into trouble (i.e. the hand that hit) is often very effective.  So is coming closer and talking quietly, as opposed to yelling across the room.

So more force does not always produce faster results, although sometimes it does.  That’s why trial and error, plus intuition, is important.  The more appropriate your force, the better chance you have of results, so readjust as the results come in. If you are getting a strong or a broken will, you are using too much; if your kids ignore you or mock you, you are using too little.

3. Retain a matter-of-fact/kindly attitude.

Different parents have different feelings about their kids’ misbehavior. Some absolutely can’t stand it and blow their lids (maybe not externally but internally), and others really couldn’t care less (i.e. as long as they’re not killing each other, it’s fine). You want to strike a balance.  You have probably witnessed parents disciplining their kids in ways that make you cringe: whiny, out of control, guilt-inducing, snippy, dramatic ways.  Always examine yourself first before you turn on your kids.

Another way to say this is, discipline is by the Golden Rule. When you get corrected, how do you want your authority to treat you?  And over what types of things?  I think it is safe to say that most correction should be firm but kind, and befitting of an adult.  You should always discipline in a kind and matter-of-fact way that shows your child you respect him as a person but he simply cannot repeat the misbehavior. Don’t get entrenched in the discipline process, feeling emotional about it. And don’t take away love, scold, manipulate, guilt trip, whine, or be vindictive. And also don’t feel guilty about disciplining! American culture is notoriously guilty about every confrontation and discomfort they cause in their children, which is probably what makes our kids so neurotic. It would be better to discipline unhelpfully–as long as it’s kindly–and be confident, than it is to not discipline because you’re insecure.

I think the key to this principle is that your EMOTION is not what makes the discipline work.  So don’t use it as if it is.  The appropriateness and consistency of the consequence is what makes discipline work.  So use the amount and kind of emotion that will best expedite the message that your child can’t repeat his misbehavior. At least 75% of the time, a firm but kind expression will do it.  If you have too much negative emotion, that message will not be expedited. Your child will simply feel unloved. Or she’ll think, “Mommy is mad.” What you want them to think is, “I did something wrong. I better not do that again.” That requires the right type of emotion, and the right intensity as I mentioned already.  Especially when you’re dealing with something that is regular and predictable, that drives you crazy, you want to make sure you can retain your kind but firm delivery or else it will be bad for everybody. You’re going to be doing a lot of disciplining in your life, so get used to it! Being kind and firm help you stay in control, developing good habits.  It will let the child process his or her own mistake without feeling threatened personally. And you want this because the more they feel threatened, the less they will process.  And the less they process, the more they will see you as the problem instead of their behavior; they will avoid you or be sneaky because they’re afraid of being found out. You don’t want this.  You want their deeds to activate their own conscience.

4. Keep the punishment as psychologically simple as possible.

Ok, I know this is a forever long post.  But it’s an advanced subject.  I’m really big on keeping the punishment as simple as possible because all these psychological things the experts think up assume a mature, sensitive, adult  conscience which your child doesn’t have. You really don’t need more than a couple tools. Remember KISS: Keep it simple, stupid!

In my house, the most common tools are physical intervention (i.e. removing a trouble-maker from the situation), and consequences.  Some consequences are appropriate to the crime, like returning a stolen toy back to the sibling.  Others are logical, such as not getting to read another chapter of the bedtime story because it took too long to clean up and get PJs on.  I find that intervention and consequences are the most effective, especially for my boys, because they provoke the most thinking about causality… “I took it, so I had to give it back,” or “I need to go faster so we can read more Winnie-the-Pooh.”  The more my kids can realize that A causes B, the more they can master their actions.  The more they realize that a bad A causes a bad B, but a good A causes a good B, then the more focus is taken off me and onto what they’re doing.  Which is the whole point!

Experts today make a big deal about other forms of discipline.  According to them, chastisement or spanking is child abuse, so most people don’t feel comfortable with that option.  So in the spirit of being more sensitive, experts invent method after method: offering rewards, bargaining, time-outs, naughty-seats, child-directed rules, choices, charts, incentives, avoiding “no,” elaborate word constructions, etc.  I believe there is a time and place for creativity, but in general I have found it unwise to rely on these more psychological methods.  Toddlers and preschoolers are simply unable to be motivated by them consistently.  It is one thing to give a child a sticker for doing a good job on something, or to encourage positive character development.  But it is another to expect a sticker to be a deterrent force—to assume kids will be motivated away from bad things by it.  In most discipline situations, a young child knows what they should do but are physically or emotionally unable to make themselves do it.  Psychological methods are too mature for little kids because they require too much self-control.  I believe that intervention and consequences are more likely to teach a child about what they are doing wrong, and provoke considering an alternative.  By more succinctly teaching causality, they help a child gain self-control so they can rely on it consistently when they’re older.

Other psychological methods which are not so expert are also sometimes erroneously invoked.  Normal parents find themselves asking their kids questions, conversing or convincing, negotiating, even bribing their children or making victimizing statements as if that will motivate them to good works.  Be aware that while a smart preschooler can understand most of what you’re saying, appealing to them for whatever reason isn’t going to work reliably.  You may get one or two wins, but talking or reasoning with your little one is generally going to fall flat.  Save that for the teenage years.

Also, try not to punish your child.  Punishment is sometimes confused with consequences, but it is distinctly different in that it seeks to impose a penalty (often unrelated) for bad behavior, usually with scolding or threatening… taking away the TV, not letting her go to a party, going to bed early, etc.   Punishment is usually done out of anger and it makes even a young child bitter.  Taking away the TV is all right as a consequence if the crime was playing with the buttons on it or saying a bad word from it.  Going to bed early is an appropriate consequence if the crime was refusing a nap.  But just randomly punishing or penalizing a young child is not going to connect the dots that her behavior, A, caused results B.  It just communicates you’re mad.  I have even seen parents take a stuffed animal away from a potty-training child for having accidents and not being “a big boy.”  Some parents believe in rubbing their children’s noses in their dirty underwear or otherwise making the wet/dirty experience more unpleasant.  These punishments are obviously inappropriate.  And they don’t instruct.  You never want to condition your child as if they were a pet, and you want to remove privileges sparsely, only as they relate to crimes exactly.  If you put your mind to it, I am sure you can think of more constructive consequences for your little one’s most frequently broken rules.  This is what good teachers do in their classrooms.  Try to keep punishment out of it altogether.

*

All in all, discipline is about creating the type of experience your child needs to have in order to change his/her behavior.  From a rational standpoint, this means picking a small, specific battle and applying a fitting and lawful consequence until the behavior is extinguished.  From an emotional standpoint, this means finding the right amount of force, maintaining a positive but corrective attitude, and keeping things simple.  If you can manage these things, you will have much success in disciplining as well as a not-so-bad experience in the process.

What Changes When I Have the Baby?

As you can probably guess, the answer to “What changes when I have a baby?” is… everything!

But seriously, just because everything changes doesn’t mean that it is all scary or all bad. Becoming a mother has been the destiny of a majority of women since time began. Many good things come from becoming a mother, including the enlargement of your heart. Where all your detail orientation and concern used to produce perfect hair, stylish decor, and a together attitude, now it will all be focused on this wrinkly little stranger whose destiny you have NO idea how to shape. If you can imagine shifting your time, body, activities, budget, and philosophy from your own life to someone else’s, 24/7, you can pretty much achieve what it is going to be like being a mom.

I am a firm believer that this cognitive and emotional adjustment is the number one change most new moms have to make. Nothing prepares you for this shift from Self to Other. I didn’t even know it was possible! Of course I still think about myself as a mother—and now that I have four children, I have had more practice “carving” out some self in the midst of life with little children—but the inner workings of my mind are completely different. So are my fears, my priorities, and my deep motivations.

The externals or physical aspects of mothers are not to be downplayed, of course. Starting from day one that you are pregnant, your body is no longer your own. It is taken over by a small, pink, tender, but hostile little planet. And you will be largely responsible for how that little life emerges. You don’t feel the way you want, you don’t look the way you want, and you probably can’t eat exactly the way you want. You also don’t sleep the way you want, make love the way you want, or do any other physical thing exactly the same way. This seems to be God’s way of initiating the pregnant mother into motherhood… the first test of shifting from Self to Other orientation.

Then the baby is born and you have all heard of the trials there, so I won’t belabor them. Suffice it to say the birth and delivery is a wonderful but physically demanding event, for which recovery must be taken seriously for your body to not rear its ugly head. Then there is the exhaust factor of the crying, feeding, staying up at night, and generally not being able to figure out what your baby wants. If you are breastfeeding for the first time, sometimes this is a difficult transition and you can be found with a boob hanging out in plain view for pretty much the first three months straight! The house still needs cleaning, the food still needs preparing, the errands still need to be done, the paperwork needs to be taken care of, and life still goes on… but you have to manage how to do it AND tote the baby!

But assuming you make it through the physical marathon of the first six weeks, you will probably start feeling the emotional adjustment more keenly. At some point, it will kick in that not only are you IN CHARGE of this precious little life, but YOU yourself must nurture this little life for the next 18+ years! A huge slice of what used to be independent decisions are no longer independent anymore because they affect the baby. And you must start confronting both the ups and the downs of parenting. Starting with the ever-present question: “What is my baby trying to tell me?” questions you feel like you are not prepared, equipped, or able to answer start flooding your brain every moment. It is hard to ignore those questions and voices, “Am I doing everything right?” “What if I cause a problem here?” “Is this fixable?” “Will anyone help me?” Going to sleep is sort of your only respite.

But the good news is that even these tormenting questions have an ultimately good purpose: they motivate you to engage your child, reach out to others, and make the best of it. If you can muster up enough confidence to just dive into life with baby and be ok with who you are, what you can do, and the resources you have… you will win!! Don’t give into the nagging insecurities, identity crises, or perceived losses. This is one game you must trust in yourself to get off Square One.

And don’t forget you are not alone. Not only do you have friends and neighbors who are all like you, engaged in this amazing drama, but you have a personal partner: your husband. Your husband is a hand-picked friend for you to confide in, consort with, and find comfort. If he wasn’t in the past, you better start making him now! You can’t do this alone, and your husband needs to be included in the parent game. In some sense, he is more able to handle the sometimes crushing emotions than you are because he is not as enmeshed in the toils of everyday life with baby. So don’t resent him for this or blame him… seek his help but make friends with his rationality. Sometimes it is the main life line being sent to you.

And for goodness’ sake, continue to be glass is half full! You have this little baby! It’s going to work out! You’re not going to mess up in any new ways that mothers haven’t already! You love it! It will love you! And there are SOO many blessings that will start rolling in as your child develops and becomes your own that you have to focus on those things. Don’t miss them.

Do find a time/place for yourself, to keep something going that you alone love, and that will help. Draw those boundaries, get a shower every time you need it (hah! I’m not kidding!), and lower your expectations of what you need to get done each day. There is a reason why “families” are an institution that you can recognize with playgrounds that clutter the yard, toys which clutter the basement, and laundry which is never done… because this is what raising a family entails! People sacrifice the same things for a reason, so don’t be ashamed if some of those “That will NEVER be me” things become you. You are not the old you. You are a new you. If you can embrace this, no matter what, you will be just fine =)

Cry Quietly

While the notion of “crying quietly” is old-fashioned and paradoxical, it is totally helpful to staying sane.

I believe it is important, in the early years of life, for little children to get a grip on their crying.  Crying is not the Unpardonable Sin, but it should not be allowed to get out of hand.  Even a toddler can be taught to not wail at the top of their lungs unless necessary.

In our house, we have generally followed the rule that if the child is crying loud enough that he/she can’t hear me over their crying, they are crying too loud.  We simply tell them nicely, “Ok now.  Stop crying.  Come on now.  Quiet down.”  The younger ages may get soothing and hugging, but the preschoolers are expected to quiet down (at least to sniffling) before progress is made.  All our children are told “No, no crying” if  they begin crying because they are upset about a situation or verdict (i.e. “I’m sorry, you have to give the piece back to your brother.  He was using it.”).  This is simply because we believe that some crying is warranted and the rest is just evidence of a bad attitude.  And our experiments have proven that children are able to learn this 😉

Now that doesn’t mean you can be harsh or disengaged.  A small child crying is not to be ignored.  And even at the young toddler age, they are usually crying over SOMETHING.  The important thing is to look at the reason why they are crying and quickly assess to what extent their reaction is appropriate.  If the child is hurt or scared, they can wail as loudly as they want.  If they are frustrated or honestly reacting to something sad, then crying can be gently curbed down a few levels while help is attentively given.  If the child is demanding, throwing a fit, or otherwise just mad at you, then the crying should be admonished.  (And love given when they obey.)  Even if my little sixteen-month old bursts into tears when I put her down, I tell her nicely “No.  No crying.  We don’t cry because Mommy has to put you down.”  And then she gets some encouraging pats and something to do.

I only write this because most moms I see let their toddlers and preschoolers wail about everything.  It could be leaving the playground, not eating their corn, going to bed, being in a stroller, falling down, etc.  It is all World War III.  And there is no need for it to be.  Kids need to learn perspective, and there’s no cognitive reason why they can’t start when they’re a toddler.  One year olds can learn, partially, the difference between crying because they’re genuinely needing to and crying because they don’t get their way.  (Make extra provision for hunger, bed, and cuddles, though.)  And eighteen-month olds have the ability to quiet down enough to hear you talk.  Not only do little children get smarter from hearing your explanations, but they learn how to let you into their little worlds.  They don’t develop that sassy two or three year old thing of, “I Know You’re Talking But I Could Care Less Because I Don’t Have What I Want” thing.  It doesn’t mean they’ll never throw a tantrum.  Although they may throw considerably less.  But it does mean that they’ll be less locked into their little world when they do.  It is amazing how much yardage you can get with a volume control on the crying.

Can You Spoil a Baby?

Childraising literature today tells you that you cannot spoil a baby. Usually this is in the context of picking your newborn up. Several decades ago, popular psychology said that it was bad to pick a baby up every time it cried… you would create a demanding baby. It was also bad to feed a baby when it cried (you were supposed to use a clock), to coddle it “just because” (you should encourage independence), to co-sleep (cribs only please), and to hold it too much (use a jumper or seat instead). All these types of things were pampering the baby, “spoiling it,” and preparing it to be needy and insecure in life. Of course, this turned out to be false.

So today we are sort of in a reactionary environment where experts have swung to the other extreme. Recognizing the follies of the old style of parenting, they write books, articles, pamphlets, leaflets, and every other thing they can think of as if you yourself might still be clock-feeding your baby. Suffice it to say that I don’t know of anyone who parents their baby the way their grandmothers or great-grandmothers did. Do you? But the experts are still worried.

They have reason to be, in the sense that a newborn in particular is a very, very delicate thing. You should never ignore him or her, especially if you think they’re hungry. But that still doesn’t answer the question: Can you spoil a baby?

Yes and no.

You cannot spoil a newborn by picking him or her up too often. The old experts were right that picking the baby up DOES teach it about being picked up. But that is a good thing! When a baby cries and is picked up, they learn very quickly that they are not alone in this world. That someone is there to meet their needs. They learn that speech is part of communication.  They learn that being touched self-soothes.  Babies who are neglected in orphanages learn to be quiet instead of cry because they are neglected. They don’t cry for food, they don’t cry to be held, and they therefore suffer sleep, food, language, motor and sensory deprivation. No mom in their right mind wants that for their baby! So don’t let the fear of spoiling make you alienate your baby.

The same goes for holding the baby, feeding it, etc. Especially when you are dealing with the early months, your holding, touching, feeding, singing is not just nice but it is stimulating.  They may be getting “spoiled” in some sense (I prefer, “coddled”) but that encourages healthy baby development.  Coddling is good teaching.

But, I’m sorry to say that too much pampering CAN spoil a baby in the long run.  From the get-go, if your pampering means lax limits, then a baby learns that too.  It is only a matter of time before it will rear its ugly head.  A three or six month old will probably express their first attitude in an isolated area (usually nursing, diaper station, crib, or high chair will be the first place).  But an older baby, usually around the nine month mark, can cross over into the spoiling arena more significantly . Nine month old babies are very smart. And if you keep shuffling them around from station to station, giving them a cookie whenever they cry, holding them all day in a sling, allowing them to crawl all over you in the bed, letting them neglect their naps, etc., they will learn to be spoiled by twelve months. This 9-12 month time is when you want to start (gently) weaning them onto boundaries if you haven’t already. You can move your six month old from walker to jumper to seat to lap if he’s fussing, and that doesn’t spoil him. (Well, it may but he won’t remember it.)  But keep that up towards the first year mark and you are in for an exhausting toddler year.  They start encoding life.

That doesn’t mean you should become rigid and militant on the 9month birthday =) It just means that babies  grow and learn quickly from your teaching, and something more cognitively advanced starts kicking in during the second half of the first year. They go from being innocent to spoiling to suspicion!  Even up to the fifteen month age, a child can persist in being pretty innocent to how much you’re holding them, talking to them, giving them treats, letting them get away with things. But somewhere around that fifteen to eighteen month mark, they’re going to go from feeling blessed to feeling entitled. They will expect the great treatment you’re giving them because they will have internalized it as normal, part of the routine. And then they will, understandably, act up when they don’t get it!

So start the naps and food training earlier, before that twelve month mark. Start giving them small activities to do, some supervised and some unsupervised. Start making them get down when they want to walk all over your couch or table. Start denying them the food you’re eating every time they ask for it.  Teach them “no-no” for putting their hands in your mouth, touching cords, pulling your hair, or messing up the pages of your book while you’re reading it. Teach them “no” for putting things in their mouth that they shouldn’t, for being feisty during a diaper change, for pulling up your shirt to nurse, for doing bad things in their crib at night or during naps. These are all things that nine to fifteen month old babies can learn, which will mitigate whatever “spoiling” they got before. Also get them on an eat/sleep routine of some sort.  Eating and sleeping are notoriously the areas little kids first try to start controlling.  Get the good habits going so you can simply enforce them as time goes on.

And remember that it is probably better to spoil your baby at first and then back off, than it is to never indulge them. Babies DO learn from indulging, good things along with the bad. This is often why either firstborns or lastborns are the smartest of the bunch (whoever got the most indulging 😉  Going out of your way to privilege them or not put them out teaches little children that you love them, that you’re there for them, that you pay attention to them, that they are communicating with you, that resources aren’t scarce, etc. It also gives them ample opportunities to develop skills.  They learn that there are good things in the world, that there is reason to be motivated to get them, that there are discoveries if they branch out of their boxes. These are all very important things that are worth giving too many cookies or too many privileges even if later, as a toddler, you realize that you have to revoke some.

And really don’t worry about the 0-3 month age at all. Do whatever you want. Try to figure out what you’re doing more by six months, but don’t stress over all the tricks of the trade that EVERY MOM uses to get them to go to sleep, eat the food, stop fussing, etc. Somewhere around nine months, start trying to wean your baby onto the simplest of limits, and work a couple things in by twelve months. Once they are babbling with you and showing more upsetness or frustration at limits (that fifteen to eighteen month mark), then seize the moment and start your child on the path you want them to follow during the two year old year. I promise, promise, promise that you will have an easier time that year, if you do.

How to make a toddler schedule

toddler schedules?  Wasn’t having one for a baby enough?

Well yes and no.  All little children resist your getting things done!  You usually need a battle plan.  But a babies’ needs are primarily physical and are dictated internally by routine.  You need a schedule mainly to make sure they are eating and sleeping enough, and getting enough stimulation.  A toddler’s needs, on the other hand, are much more mature.  They are very emotional and social beings, with short attention spans and an inexhaustable need for activity.  Just like babies, they are learning, learning, learning, but on a whole new expressive plane.  If you aren’t careful, you can end up losing your mind as you simply react to their energy and interest levels!

For this reason, I made my toddlers little schedules that I could fall back on whenever it was cold or rainy and we couldn’t go out.  Or when I was sick, tired, depressed, or had vacation days with everyone home.  Sometimes I would put the schedules away for awhile, and then I’d bring one back out if the kids were particularly struggling with boredom or each other.  I’d rework it for their ages and interests, and for new ideas that I wanted to implement.  Perhaps I just didn’t have enough motivation personally, but I found that staying at home with little children often caused me tunnel vision.  Things would get out of balance and I could go months skipping things I really believed in (teaching, storytime, cooking…) just because I was in Survival Mode.  I had things which I rationally believed were important but required too much emotional energy in the moment to accomplish.  A schedule helped me stick to my guns about what I really wanted to accomplish each day because I knew I had thought about it beforehand and planned a way to get it in.

So that is step one in creating a toddler schedule: think about what activities you want in your toddler’s day.  Think about their individual needs in terms of energy, physicality, sleep, etc.  Work in your values for them, and consider their development—identify areas you want to spend special time on, and spaces to fit them in.  Plan in their meals and rest time(s).   And plan in your shower, the laundry, the dinner, or anything else you value but don’t seem to be able to get done regularly.  Do you need a fifteen minute coffeebreak after lunch?  A run before breakfast?  What about that bed-making which never happens?  Make a spot for it that fits the logical flow of your household.  And then fill in the rest of the time as specifically or generally as you want to.  Maybe you don’t need any strategy for 3 to 5pm because those hours shoot by.  Maybe that’s exactly where you want a step-by-step plan for what to do every 15 mins.  Maybe you don’t care if multiple siblings are running around the family room together in the morning.  Maybe you want to separate them and rotate their activities to keep the noise down.  It’s up to you.  The goal of the schedule to should be to aid you and your toddler towards the ideal Mommyhood vision you have, without controlling either you or them.  Like a baby schedule, it should serve you, not you serving it.  You’ll see the results in your toddler’s development and attitude if you’re doing it right.

So, here are some things that might fit into a normal toddler’s schedule:

• breakfast, lunch, dinner
• snacks
• nap/rest time(s)
• bathtime
• storytime
• playtime outside
• playtime inside, free play
• gross motor skills (stair-climbing)
• fine motor skills (beads, spoon)
• musical play
• craft/art time (playdoh, crayons)
• time with a sibling
• one-on-one time with Dad
• TV/video time
• roomtime alone (ours always started with lots of toys, music on, for about 15-20 mins)
• independent skill time (toileting, dressing)
• chores or “Mommy’s Helper” time (laundry, kitchen, bed-making)
• clean-up time
• flashcards (letters, animals) or other educational one-on-one time

Once you have identified a list of activities you want in your toddler’s day, make a list of things you need to fit into your day, and any time restrictions:

• 7:45am and 2:40pm- transporting kids to/from school
• 30 mins dinner prep time
• one laundry load per day
• 15 minutes personal time (alone) two times a day
• 15 minutes Husband/Couch time in the evening
• 3:30-4:30- daughter’s piano lesson, waiting in car
• kitchen clean-up twice per day
• nap
• shower
• 30 mins of exercise
• breadmaker/slow cooker checks

Once you have identified a list of activities for yourself, try and start putting the two lists together in a logical flow.  You may need to separate your child’s activities into two categories: those that require your participation, and those that are self-entertaining.  The goal is to get your toddler to do self-entertaining things at the times you need to focus on something else (like the cooking).  Many times, your toddler will want to be with you while you are doing what you’re doing, which is fine.  But make sure you give them something of their own to do while you’re working or your dresser drawers will likely be emptied by the time you’re done your shower!

You’ll also need to be flexible with your own activities, working them around your toddler as you probably learned to do when they were a baby.  A 30 min shower, dressing, and make-up time might not be feasible first thing in the morning… you may have to sacrifice 10 or 15 mins, or switch to an unorthodox time like the baby’s 10am nap.  But at least you’ll get it in.  I’ve caught so many of my mom friends showering at 4pm or going for a jog just before it gets dark =)  You’ll have more of a say when your child is older, I promise.

Schedules can continue into the preschool years if your kids haven’t become self-entertaining yet.  Three and Four year olds often love schedules as long as they have some control over them, so Choice Time (i.e. where they pick chalk on the easel or playdoh) is often very effective.  But make sure YOU choose both Choices beforehand so you know you’re ok with them 😉  Most preschool teachers use a visual schedule, which is helpful for kids with delays or control problems.  You can spend no money and make some picture cards yourself, tack them onto a bulletin board or tape them on a wall.  Or you can spend some money on software that has similar pictures preschool classrooms use for “bathroom,” “snack,” etc.  Some public schools even allow you to make an appointment to use their software and laminating machine.  But that’s only necessary if you’re an ALL OUT stay at home mom 😉

Sometimes the visual thing is good for Mom too.  Especially if you have multiple children.  I used to use Excel and print out a spreadsheet whenever I was having a new baby, so I could work in the long nursing times or quiet activities around the newborn’s naps.  My husband found this helpful too, when he was trying to help.  I also had a playdate schedule for the times my friend used to bring her two toddler boys over for a couple hours and I didn’t know how to entertain everybody.

Don’t forget to rotate the schedule as needs come up, the kids grow, their interests change, their attention spans develop, and you get new ideas.  Toddlers need shorter activities and sensitivity in mixing stimulating ones with quieter ones.  Preschoolers are more resilient and can be taught to stick with activities longer than toddlers, to clean up when they’re done, and to require less supervision.

Lastly, kids aren’t robots so sometimes it is better to have a schedule where you only have the sequence of things laid out, instead of exact times lined up.  That way, if the day starts later, the kids take longer eating, the weather changes, an errand comes up, a toy gets boring more quickly, etc., you aren’t thrown off.  Remember, let the schedule serve you, not you serve the schedule.

A Day in the Life of a Stay at Home Mom

There is a huge debate over whether moms should stay at home with their kids. Even Mom herself is sometimes not sure! And I see merit on both sides of the debate, although I used to be totally against the idea of staying at home.

However, helping four babies to grow has shown me how much they pick up from the intangibles of home life, and how glad I am that that backdrop (which includes me =) has formed the bedrock of their identities,even their subconsciouses. When they are older, they can take responsibility for their own identities. But for now, Daddy and I are in charge, striving to help them become happy, loving, and fun. Whereas each day is just a tiny speck on the radar screen—and not very much in any particular day would convince anybody to stay at home with their kids—the gathering of those tiny specks seems to have a lot of impact. From a long-term perspective, staying at home with them has changed their lives. While I fall short all the time, they are definitely gleaning from the time we have spent making our selves, our marriage, and our home… well, happy, loving, and fun!

Just for scientific purposes, I kept a running tab of one of my mornings, one my recent “specks”. Here’s how yesterday looked:

7:50am- Non-school day. Cell phone alarm goes off. I hit the snooze.

7:55am- this continues for fifteen more minutes.

8:10am- Still laying in the bed, I take stock of the fact that my cold is starting to heal. I’m excited about that and consider briefly the things I could tackle today, but then my thoughts switch to the breakfast routine.

8:15am- I get up, throw on a sweater, and go upstairs to assemble breakfast. Cereal, milk, and vitamins. Don’t forget that the baby has switched to rice milk for awhile because she seems to be acquiring a mild allergy to the regular milk. Note to self to record how long this goes on so when the doctor asks me how much whole milk she’s been drinking, I can give an apologetic.

8:20am- I wake up the kids. Oldest first, bathroom, breakfast. Then the second oldest, bathroom, breakfast. Then the two little ones, diapers, new pants, and breakfast.

8:25am- I sneak out the door to grab Dunkin Donuts. (My husband is still asleep in the bed). If I hurry, I can probably make it back before people are finished eating.

8:36am- Even though the line at DD was slightly long, I made it home to find only my oldest finished and jumping around. He’s curious about my bagel and coffee (Points for me for showing restraint!), but I stave him off by redirecting him to his toys.

8:37am- One bite into the bagel, my other two boys finish and they need direction too. I help them get stuff out of the closet, give them an assignment and turn back to my bagel. Then the baby cries from her high chair, reminding me I’ve forgotten her, so I go to the rescue. Then I really have an interested party in my food and the next five minutes is spent alternating bites from me to her. I’m mildly perturbed about that (subtract points for feeling selfish), but she’s so cute about the whole thing that I can’t resist. I smile and coo to her anyway =)

8:39am- in the midst of my bagel alternating, I start wondering when my husband is going to get up.

8:42am- I break up a situation with the boys, brush the crumbs off my hands, and check the email. I goof around with the news, etc.

9:10am- I get my act together and start cleaning the kitchen. The baby follows me, of course, and I spend about fifteen minutes trying to keep her out of the dishwasher, frig, and closet as I clean. Giving her the dustpan helps, and she happily tries to sweep up crumbs, although she doesn’t actually get any. The boys punctuate my cleaning too, giving me status updates about whoever is not sharing (“Tell him he has to share with you…”), whoever got a piece to work on their lego sculpture (“That’s great, honey”), and whoever is wondering what I’m doing (“Mommy’s just cleaning the kitchen. Go play.”). I tell myself that I’ll give them some personal time soon.

9:30am- My husband is up, gets some cereal in my nice clean kitchen, and goes into his office, half-naked, to get ready for his first conference call of the day. I smooch him a lot when he gets up, try not to interrupt him once he goes in (doesn’t work) and exchange general pleasantries about how nice it is to see him. The key to this is sublimating my annoyance (or jealousy) about his sleeping in and actually being in the moment, as I AM happy to see him. Now I feel “covered” like I have his presence as back-up power should i need it to face my kiddos, and I go into see them.

9:45-10:45am- I have talked to the kids about their things, which they love, switched some people’s activities, admired sculptures, corrected manners, and protected projects from the baby’s destructive path. I have considered what they should do after they are bored with what they currently have, straightened up a couple more things, disciplined one person for whining and having a bad heart, and AIM-ed my husband a couple times as he’s brought up random To-Do things that he remembered while on his conference call. I add those things to my Post-it and have a brief mini-argument over AIM about one item (the yard) in particular. Always argue about non-important things virtually… it saves a lot of feelings.

10:45am- I try to be a good girl and start a load of laundry, but I find out that I forgot the last load I put in there and it has become dry and mildewed. Restart, in hot water (subtract points for hurting the environment/energy), with lots of Tide with Bleach. At least the new dirty laundry is down there now.

10:55am- I hear “elephant feet” up there while I’m doing laundry, so I go upstairs to see what’s going on. Some boys get separated.

11:00am- Time to think about lunch. I get one boy to help me with the trays (Points for educational lesson!), which he does happily, and I manage to assemble something vaguely resembling the food pyramid from practically nothing. Add “grocery store” to my Post-it.

11:20am- The kids have all eaten and now have fresh wind for the afternoon. I put the baby down for her nap and consider whether I should take them to the playground while she naps. (My husband is still at home, on probably his third conference call, and the baby requires more vigilance at the playground than anyone else). I am just thinking about doing this, and trying to ward of negative thoughts about my city’s weather which I habitually criticize, when the phone rings. It is my realtor asking if we can have an open house this Sunday. (We’ve been trying to sell our house for a month and it is not going well.) So somehow this gets me off in discussions with my husband about the house, planning, etc. I make more phone calls, negotiate more child problems (stuck K’nex, thigns too high, brothers not sharing), read more online news, and somehow let the afternoon get away from me. In the back of my mind, I am vaguely aware of my running tape which consists of reminders about wanting to lose 10 lbs, specific areas I need to clean before we have an open house, how much I am glad I finally have a daughter, worry about what I will do with my 5-year old this summer when kindergarten is out, and mild disapproval over the fact that my husband kind of wants to take a trip to Canada with everybody this summer and I don’t want to go… blame it on the stress of trying to sell the house plus my distaste over taking long drives with the young kids. But I try to stay positive, not be anxious, and procrastinate THAT ugly talk with my husband which will bring up other more philosophical things.

12:30pm- Baby wakes up early. No playground. Shoot!

Hiring a Babysitter

The other day, my husband’s coworker told him about how his wife was having a hard time finding a babysitter. Well, not finding one, but liking one! It wasn’t that she was intolerant, it was just that she was having a hard time separating from her kids. This reminded me of the struggle I had myself, which looking back seems kind of humorous, so I thought I’d post about it here.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Lots of moms are so overwhelmed by child-raising that even a SNOWMAN seems a suitable candidate when compared to spending another night at home. I definitely felt this way after baby #4. But for many moms who put their hearts and souls into their children, they don’t want just ANY babysitter. They want to get out of the house, but at what cost? When faced with options, they might just as well decide it’s not worth it, they’ll stay at home (again).

Originally, I felt this way. And I practiced it… In four years, I probably left the home about a dozen times. And most of those were when my in-laws came and kicked me and my husband out! (I’m not kidding!). I remember going to three weddings and having my best friends (adults) babysit two of those times. And I remember having my husband’s best friend visit us a couple times, long-distance, and because he always stayed with us for free he babysat a couple times while we ran to Panera. Other than that, I can’t recall ever going out. I never just went out on a date, or got out by myself except after the kids were in bed and I knew my husband could be trusted to house-sit =) When push came to shove, I chose the stress of staying in over the stress of finding a way out.

What was wrong with me?

As I try to analyze it, I see a couple roots:

• worry
• control
• habit
• stinginess

Even the hiring process just seemed like stress. And I couldn’t deal with more stress! Just thinking of breaking the habit, stirring up the routine, causing the kids separation anxiety, picturing the babysitter pulling her hair, doling out the money, etc. was enough to make me feel depressed. Was it worth it? Now that I’ve had a couple months of regular “date nights,” I have found out that it is. So here are some of the steps I went through.

Part of the problem was finding a babysitter. Gone are the days when you could hire the teenager down the street. If your neighborhood is anything like ours, people don’t talk to each other and you don’t even know if your neighbors have a teenage girl. If they do, you certainly don’t know anything about them, including if they babysit. Many girls don’t. And many aren’t responsible. So do you Craigslist? Put up an ad somewhere? Ask around at church or community place? In my limited experience, asking for a referral was actually the best. Ask a friend who they use and when you call that candidate, if they say no, ask them if they could refer you to one of their friends who also babysits. Chances are, you’ll get someone more reliable than you would just randomly. Make sure they live somewhat near you, though, since you’ll have to be willing to transport back and forth, which can add time or stress to the planning.

Once you have actually located a potential babysitter, you have to check them out. Nowadays you have to be very careful who you let into your home. What if they ignore the kids and watch YouTube all night? Or talk on their cell? What if they IM chat or MySpace it in ways they shouldn’t? What if they watch one of your PG-13 movies around your kindergartener? Gone are the days where most teenagers think about a lot of those things, or have a sensitive conscience about it. Even if they are sensitive, they might be totally unqualified. Babysitting is less standard than when I was growing up and all my friends and I did it. Many girls have never spent time in a nursery or been around friends who have had substantially younger siblings. Many don’t want to take charge or know how to (properly). Some girls I’ve talked to, though lovely, have not really known the difference between a toddler and a preschooler. Or felt comfortable with more than two children at a time. So you have to go over these things. (And finding someone who knows CPR or safety procedures is a real plus.)

Then there is affording it. No longer can you get by with five dollars an hour. Now it has to be above the minimum wage with a good tip. And you’re at a loss because you are already paying to go out! Where we live, $15 an hour is pretty common, with poor people vying for $10 and richer people offering $20/hr. That is a huge commitment! But what are you going to do? Give up your chance to go out, when you worked hard to find the babysitter to begin with? Especially if you like who you hire, you want to keep them happy. Set aside part of your budget for at least one monthly date and skip some treats the prior week if you feel guilty about it.

Then of course there is a big thing of just liking the babysitter and feeling like they can replace you while you’re gone. Mommies tend to feel very particular about how their little ones should be taken care of since they work so hard at getting things just right! You try to keep them from jumping on the couch, from eating junk food, from watching too much TV, and staying up too late. And it is very worrisome to imagine that someone is going to change the rules on you while you’re gone. You don’t want to be a stickler, but you can’t help it! You feel compelled to find someone who can be more like you, rather than less. The only way out of this trap is to focus on the time out you’re going to have and let the joy of the trip replace the control you want at the home. It’s just one night, and it’s good for the kids too. They’ll go back to normal by the next day.

While I didn’t have as much trouble with being “replaced” as a friend of mine, I did have a funny personal worry: that watching my children would be too difficult for a young girl and therefore she might be turned off from motherhood! It sounds so silly now, to say that, but I guess I just felt responsible for making sure the babysitter didn’t have a hard time, which I surely couldn’t promise! I felt like I had to ensure she liked everything. And since I felt so overwhelmed with my own children at the time (and remember, I have four under the age of 5yrs), I was worried that my sitter would surely be overwhelmed… how could I invite her to have this experience? I think I also remembered feeling reluctant to babysit certain children myself, when I was a girl. I’d think, “OH NO, not THAT family!” But I didn’t feel the liberty to tell whomever it was that I didn’t want to sit. Now as the mom who loves her children I thought of how tragic it would be to cause that reaction in another person. I had a distinct fear that in this day and age of feminism, that helping my kids behave would turn her off from wanting to have her own children.

My husband assured me that this wouldn’t necessarily be the case, as long as I got someone who was experienced with little people and bold enough to tell me if they were having a problem =) You really can’t control someone else’s feelings, and they usually don’t feel as bad as you project they might. All my sitters have taken everything in stride, even things I thought were hard! Humbling. I also encourage feedback from my sitters so I can be sure they’re comfortable. And I try to keep my kids behaving as good as possible! 😉

And the last reason I can think of that can cause fear or stress in a mother while finding a babysitter is sort of a sadistic one: you feel like you must be in charge of your own family, even if it causes you pain! This is classic Martyr Syndrome. You sabotage your own self (subconsciously) because you feel guilty, like it means less of you as a person if you want to take a break for awhile. A good friend of mine with three young children felt this way for awhile and she never left the house. She barely showered! It wasn’t just a habit, or that she felt her husband couldn’t handle things. She just felt like she had to suffer and accept her own suffering… like that meant she was a better mom, sacrificing more.

Don’t shake your head in disbelief… most of us have felt something like this at one time or another, even about something else =) It is easy to feel like “this is just your cross to bear” and garner support by playing the victim. After all, as fellow mothers it is our JOB to support each other and to make empathic statements. I totally believe in this. And it is our job to sacrifice for our family and give ourselves kudos for doing so (since no-one else in the house will 😉 But don’t make yourself feel better by doing things that would encourage the pity party. There are other ways of feeling better… like getting out!!

And your husband will definitely thank you for it, so do it for him even if not your kids or yourself. 😉