“Daddy did WHAT?”

I titled this post “Daddy did WHAT?” because recently I caught myself asking that to my two-year old!

No, I am not talking about Daddy doing anything abusive.  I’m talking about the 101 crazy things that Daddy seems to do when left alone with the kids!  Crazy things like:

- a tub of cottage cheese for dinner

- airplane games, upside down, by limbs

- a game of “circuits” with real electricity running through it

- telling my kindergartner to do the dishes

- talking about college (to a four year old)

- stacking up stools so a five year old can change the DVD in the VCR

It never ends!  I used to think that only the grandparents would sabotage my kids’ ordered and moral existence, but now I found out that I have a bigger subverter in the midst!  It never seems to amaze me how I can go out for a Mom’s date of some sort, come back, and bow my head at at least twice during the return-home  report =)

If you do this too—and especially if you are a young mom with your first baby—I just write this post to you that this is what husbands do!  They just don’t live in Mommyland.  They will forget the bath (or leave them in there an hour), they will feed them whatever happens to be on hand even though they don’t like it or can’t chew it, they will forget diaper changes or other teddy bears for bedtime, they will give the baby an Oreo just to see what he does with it, put mayonnaise between bread and call it a sandwich, and generally turn the house upside down with silly games.  Now not all Dads are ridiculous of course, but even my usually mild-mannered serious husband can make quite a wild party when I’m gone.  It’s not that he means to make a wild party, it’s just what happens.

When we had just one young baby, it wasn’t so much a wild party as what he actually did or forgot to do… let the baby sleep on the floor, gave him two bottles in a row because he “seemed still hungry,” use a bottle nipple as a pacifier, etc etc.  I’d come home and the house would usually be a disaster with every toy out somewhere, blankets, baby chairs, saucers, and the like strewn around.  And the kinds of conversations he would have with the baby—and now our young children—were just so absurd as to make me roll my eyes.  How can anyone under the age of 21 understand choosing a good career?  Or having their own children?  Now I see it as cute and part of the loving Dad routine.  But I remember thinking, “if he treats my six-month old like this, how will he be talking to my five year old?”  Now I know!  It never ends.

Today, I am a veteran of six years when it comes to these stories.  And I still smile when I hear what other young moms report their husbands doing (or not doing) while they’re gone.  I hear a lot of stylistic similarities even though the dads’ personalities differ.  And I am ashamed to admit to them that I was too rigid in those early days.  I thought every silly thing Daddy did would ruin the good set-up I was trying to achieve, and every nap or bedtime routine he screwed up would mean re-teaching for me.  But God works in mysterious ways and it turned out that a little “screwing up” made my kids normal and flexible.  They weren’t dependent on my routine and props because they learned not everyone did it that way.  They were better behaved because they found out Mommy and Daddy had slightly different rules, so they needed to watch themselves a little bit.  (Daddy was more unpredictable).  And they did learn, as they became preschoolers, how to adjust from Mommy’s way to Daddy’s way if I left home for a little bit—and then back to Mommy’s way when I got back.

So resist the temptation to scold Daddy for whatever routine-breaking or age-inappropriate thing he did with your babies =)  He’s just not Mommy!  And he wasn’t made to be.  Roll your eyes if you must, but believe in your heart that it will work for your baby rather than against him, in the long run.

Five Year Olds—the last “baby” year

The fifth year is not talked about much.  Everyone seems to get their kid to kindergarten and breathe a huge sigh of relief–”WHEW!  We made it!”  Compared with the last four years of childraising, the fifth year warrants this relief.  However, it is a difficult age because a just-turned five year old is not quite out of baby stage.  S/He has all the youth capabilities in infant form but most are not quite over the edge in true elementary school age capacities.  They are straddling the world of infant and the world of youth, and on any given day or in any given context, they can kind of shift from one side of the fence to the other.  Thus the wonderful phenomenon of kindergarten =)

Here are some qualities of five year olds:

Matter of Factness.  In comparison to four year olds, who seem to live perpetually in magical thinking land, five year olds are starting to come back to earth.  They are still exuberant and silly, imaginative and hopeful, but the average five year old has started recognizing the world of normalcy… He recognizes jokes or puns for what they are, might show irritation at too much silliness or play, can discern what’s wrong in a picture or situation, might scorn baby or little kids’ toys as being too stupid, etc.  He is generally aware of life’s real parameters, and this can help in matters of self-care or morality: five year olds are starting to leave behind the truly immature, unreasonable morality of toddlers and preschoolers.  They are transparent and see things for what they are.  While this is nice because it means they’ll readily accept a friend who is different from them, it still means you’ll have to say, “Don’t point at his birthmark, that’s not nice.”

Pride. Five year olds are starting to be proud of themselves, which is sweet. They can distinguish real accomplishments from superficial praise, and they can muster determination to go after those accomplishments.  They may feel embarrassed if they can’t attain them, so you have to watch for early bullying or sensitivity.  They want to be a big boy or girl, more than when you were potty training, and identification with Mom or Dad is starting to become more salient.  You can see this in the typical kindergarten classroom or playground.  Girls usually don’t like stories where things are mean or unjust, and boys usually like stories where there is some evil drama that needs action.  The two genders start reinforcing each other as their scope is just starting to broaden from only themselves to how they fit in in a group.  You can capitalize on their pride and self-accomplishment, personally, though to learn even more.  Lots of kids this age are really happy if they can read or tie their own shoes, and are not self conscious enough to be modest about it in grand company =)

Questioning. Whereas your preschooler probably already went through the “Why?” stage, a five year old is smarter when she asks, “Why?” and probably really wants to know.  Combined with their matter of fact abilities, superficial answers that leave “magic” in the equation probably aren’t satisfying anymore, and a five year old can really want penetrating details on the subject!   This is a good time to invest in some child encyclopedias that you can read (or they themselves if they’re ready) about space, weather, people, etc.

Social awkwardness. A five year old is not self-conscious exactly, but they are getting self-aware.  This creates a kind of funny social manner that I have observed in various five year olds, but is hard to describe.    They want to be noticed or praised but don’t know the proper way to go about it, so they kind of talk out loud to themselves or keep a witty commentary going about what’s going on with other people in earshot.  They know they’re not supposed to be in-your-face about attention the way a preschooler is, but they still want it so they may exhibit show-off behavior, over-elaborate about a subject that’s being discussed, or follow you around.    Their commentary is often semi-scornful (in a pleasant way) to show what big boys or girls they really are, and how much they’ve picked up what they were told… “We don’t want to go outside in the rain without our jackets on, right?  That would be silly.  We’d get so wet.  That would be a silly, silly thing.”  This usually elicits the approval of adults, that their age still earnestly desires.

Knowledge of rules. Five year olds are also rule-oriented creatures.  They still have no idea about “the spirit” of rules, so you have to keep working on them in social contexts.  But in general, they love rules and can pick them up really easily.  They are actually more able to be micro-managed, I think, than preschoolers.  Handwriting is a good example.  The average five year old really takes to all the detail-oriented teachings about how to print letters… “Ok, now start your pencil at the top of the line–no, right there–and come down slightly, just a little bit above the second line, and then straight down to the bottom.  Ok, now start at the top line again and loop around, just like a loop, to the second line.  Make sure it touches. It should look like an ear, curving around, right on top. Got it?  ok, do it again, just like that…”  This type of commentary would overwhelm a preschooler, but five year olds grip their pencil, stick out their tongue, and work hard to get it.  They are also able to memorize manners even though they still dont’ understand why yet–”When you know someone is in the bathroom, don’t knock, just wait.” “When Max comes over, give him the first chance at the new basketball hoop.”

Confusion about absolutes, cause/effect.  Five year olds are just acquiring the ability to make absolute statements about things.  This is good because you have been trying to teach them principles for many years now.  But they are very early in the process and can mistake emotions for absolutes as in, “Daddy is late picking me up. He must not like me.”  You have to correct them and say something like, “No, Daddy just made a mistake.  It doesn’t have anything to do with you.  He loves you just the same.”  And most five year olds likewise use the words “always” and “never” a lot, and incorrectly.  They are trying to imitate adult understandings of things, but usually you have to nuance with them—”sometimes” “might” “try to” “probably”—as well as restate the real absolutes.

Planning. Most five year olds have a newfound joy in planning.  Because they can make more sense of things now, and because they can hold lots of details in their head, they may really enjoy “planning” their birthday party with you.  And you should expect that they’ll like all kinds of things for strange reasons… i.e. “We’ll have to have strawberry birthday cake because that’s what Wendy makes Bob the Builder…”  Sometimes small things can signify much larger things to a five year old, and you have to question them about their feelings and imagine what they could be linking together before you get it.  But still, most five year olds have a desire to plan, even control or precipitate, what’s going to happen.  This can be a really fun stage.  The planning thing can also go along with routine, in that five year olds definitely expect certain things to be forever linked with other things (i.e. Grandma’s house means those special brown star-shaped cookies).  They will be very disappointed, personally and sometimes over dramatically, if it doesn’t occur.

Tokenism. Most five year olds are still too immature to have a realistic way of evaluating things, especially the quality of things.  A great day for them might be a day where they get to go to the pool, have M&Ms at dinnertime, and watch their favorite movie… with no sense that going to the pool was a more special thing than the M&Ms.  They like some toys better than others, still for childish reasons (i.e. not because it is more expensive but because it is bigger or their favorite color).  And they like some grown-ups better than others!  (for the same reasons).  If you can not take this personally, you can often use it to your advantage such as in convincing a five year old to try coming in the pool because then he’ll get to wear his new green Water Wings =)

Making a Single-Income Budget Work

Are you starting or considering moving to a single income? Many moms want to stay home with their kids, at least when they are babies, but find the idea of transitioning to a single income very scary. Do not fear! In most cases, it can be done. Things will be frugal for awhile, but it makes you more resourceful, which is a good thing. If you are brave enough to break middle class customs, you can do it!

There are many great books on the subject of raising families on small budgets. One of my favorites is America’s Cheapest Family. (http://www.amazon.com/Americas-Cheapest-Family-Right-Money/dp/0307339459/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1222194697&sr=8-1). There are also books that talk about the different budgets of double versus single income families, where they point out that in most cases, you spend how ever much you make. So take heart that all the families on your block are stressed over their finances, regardless of one or two salaries!

For six years, my husband and I lived in a very ritzy greater metro area. We also had four kids in five years there, and I stayed at home with them. We had our own house—small but big enough for us—and penny pinched our way through. But it was worth it. Here are some principles that helped us make it:

1. Separate bills from discretionary spending. Bills have to come first, so when making a budget, budget the bills and food first and see what money you have left for all the rest of life. I think my husband and I had anywhere from $200 to $600 a month, over the years, to spend on non-bills.  It was tight!  Microsoft Money was good for tracking spending and categorizing it.

2. Try to spend discretionary money at the end of the month, after you’ve analyzed your budget. It takes a lot of discipline, but if you can hold off buying “stuff” until the end of the month, then you won’t go in the red if your car needs new brakes suddenly. Also, you can parse out what things you’d really like… they ALL look appealing at the time!

3. If you’re going to save money for college or charitable giving, create a separate account for it and have money directed from your paycheck straight into the account each month before it even gets to your budget. That way, you won’t have to rely on your emotions to fork over a certain amount each month for the “right” things.  You can also do this to pay off credit cards.

4. Keep gift money separate in a “slush fund.” When you’re pinching pennies, it’s easy to let gift money or surprise money slip through into the grocery budget. When someone gives the kids birthday money, or you get a rebate check, tax refund, or make money from selling something, put it into an envelope for special spending. That way you have “date money” or “present money” or whatever thing you normally skimp on because you’re watching the budget.

5. Do as much as you can yourself. A do-it-yourself attitude can save an easy hundred dollars each month, whether you’re talking about simple house/car repairs, cooking, a haircut, mowing the lawn, piano lessons, birthday presents, etc. Don’t pretend you are upper middle class if you’re not! Consider all things luxuries!

6. Be a debt eliminator. Try to pay off all debts (except your mortgage) as fast as you can, since they are the largest and most unfair expenses. Try to own your cars, pay off the college loans, and credit cards. Credit cards are the worst! Never use it, always use the debit card. Don’t buy it now if you don’t have the money NOW. And never use a payment plan (like for the dentist, furniture, or a private school) unless it is totally necessary. People like the idea of only paying $18 a month to rent something or pay off their glasses, but in the end you end up spending so much more because of interest. Pay the lump sum up front whenever possible.

7. Don’t accumulate. When you’re in penny pinching mode, it is easy to hoard. You feel like you’re always on the edge of lack, so you get excited about deals or store up extra things you don’t need. But if you won’t use it, don’t buy it. And sell items the kids outgrow to use on new items. Try to have a rule where “When one item comes in, another item goes out.” Each item has its own cost in terms of storage, maintenance, and usage. So don’t just think about the cost of buying it, think about the cost of owning/upkeeping/using it. This goes for the new color laser printer your husband bought that takes 6-color ink cartridges frequently or the hundred ounce bottle of Pert that you’re going to get frustrated with after about 20 ounces.

8. Generics and Walmarts are your friends. Don’t trade cheese for “cheese product” but utilize generics where possible. Swallow your pride and utilize Walmart like it’s a vending machine. Every time you need something non-food related, try to get it at Walmart and you will save at least $50 a month. Most Walmarts are chaotic and disorganized but they are cheaper than Targets, Home Depots, CVS, and Staples. Get all your pharmacy, beauty, office, baby, and organizing/cleaning supplies there, and as many toys, hardware, and hobby items as possible. Never get non-grocery items at grocery stores, or non-medicine items at pharmacies because they are marked up so much. While Walmart is not great for clothes or furniture, it can save you bundles on supplies and usables.

Other things we did, which are optional but helpful were:

• Switching to an HMO with no copays for well appointments
• Finding free activities for kids/family like farms
• Using the Craigslist for big ticket items like furniture, or jobs we didn’t want to pay a contractor for
• Being creative with birthdays and Christmases: having a group outing, doing acts of service, and starting new traditions were just as fun as lots of big expensive presents. Most little kids love the celebration process more than the expense or quality involved (i.e. making cupcakes with sprinkles costs $2.00 but can take up a whole afternoon, as opposed to $20 on Chuckie Cheese tokens).
• Using hand-me-downs (duh)
• Canceling cable TV and using Netflix instead
• Canceling magazines and catalogs that caused us to feel more dissatisfied with our home or image than we would otherwise =)  For women, the top causes of quickly blown money are hair, clothes, products, and home decor.  For men, the top causes are CDs, DVDs, devices, and projects.  Guess what magazines and catalogs mostly cater to?
• Stay away from random trips to the mall or bookstore
• Never buy or cook foods that you’re not sure people will eat
• split takeout meals in half and don’t get new food until the leftovers are gone

What If I Don’t Read to My Kids?

Having a verbal home is more important than reading to a child, in my humble opinion, even though it is not politically correct to say so.  You’d think from all the icons out there that you had to have storytime twice a day to be a good parent, and that loving literature from the womb was the key to success.  But I have to be honest that with four babies in five years, my sit-down storytimes were closer to dozens not hundreds.  We had kids’ books around the house, of course, and Goodnight Moon was a big hit.  But in general my babies weren’t really interested in sitting down to hear a story.  With the exception of their favorite stories, most of the time they would wriggle and squirm all the way through three pages.  They wanted to turn pages at the wrong time, go backwards, listen to the dog out the window, stand up, or talk.  They really didn’t catch onto the kids’ fables and classics like I’d imagined.  And we ventured to Toddler Time at the public library ONCE before we threw in the towel on that (think: everyone else’s idiosyncratic two year old trying to eat Cheerios, rebel with their mother, get out of their stroller, bother their neighbor, all during “The Runaway Bunny”…)

Now at 3, 4, and 5, they are more interested in storytimes and will almost daily ask for them, but I let them roam around and play while I’m telling them (as if I’m telling them to myself) because really there’s no point in making them sit quietly to see all the pages.  Sometimes I make my kindergartner take over storytime because they show more active interest in his slower, sounding-out style =)

And yet they are all interested in reading, even my just-turned-three year old.  I hear them practicing on their own, teaching each other.  I think it is because we have always had a very verbal home… lots of talking, lots of reading and writing (ok, typing) modeled in Mom and Dad, lots of phone calls, lots of kids videos with nursery rhymes, kids CDs at bedtime, visitors and conversations, etc.  They have all loved sing-songs, nursery rhymes, and silly sounds.  They recite movies, are extremely chatty (even though we had one very late talker), boisterous, and interested in how life works.  So my conclusion is that our active parenting, even though we haven’t been the best library goers, has somehow stimulated enough verbosity and motivation to get readers.

Of course I’d never argue this with my English teacher mother    And I am certainly not suggesting you dis your own baby storytime.  I am just saying that if, by 18 months, you and your child are not enjoying Pat the Bunny in the rocking chair on an evening by evening basis, don’t freak out.  It doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent, and it doesn’t mean your child won’t be interested in reading.  As long as you are bonding with your child daily, and encouraging their development, educating them, they will acquire the love and interest in learning that is truly the foundation of academic success.

Sensory Problem Checklist

Here is a list from a professional diagnostic about different sensory disorder symptoms. Many children exhibit a variety of these symptoms occasionally, but should get over them with time or experience them in a mainly isolated way. Clusters of symptoms, or ones that are getting worse or more intrusive with time should encourage you to seek professional help. If the symptoms are mostly confined to sensory issues, an occupational therapist can be a great help. If the symptoms are compounded with other cognitive/emotional problems (see my other lists), an autistic spectrum disorder will be investigated.

Also keep in mind that a child can have both hypersensitive and hyposensitive behaviors simultaneously. His or her behavior may be erratic or inconsistent (like lights or smells bother them on bad days but on good days does not), and you should still consider that symptom a problem because “normal” sensory kids are usually very consistent unless there is a special circumstance.

• Has a body tic or twitch s/he seems unable to control
• makes sounds sh/he seems unable to control
• holds food in cheeks
• chokes or gags easily
• is very worried about getting dirty (or sticky)
• Hates to get wet
• needs things to be clean or neat
• plays with own private parts
• pulls own hair out (or eyelashes, eyebrows)
• worries about own body
• plays with bowel movements or overly loves/hates the bowel process
• runs fingers along wall, sticks them in gaps, pushes buttons repetitively
• shreds or destroys clothes, blankets, fabric
• has nervous habit, twitches
• chews on things s/he shouldn’t
• eats paper or other inedible things
• hugs too hard or too soft
• is overly gentle or forceful in nature
• can’t hold pencil or grips too hard
• can’t bang or bangs too hard, too much
• can’t squeeze clay, get lids off, turn knobs, twist wind-up toy
• can’t dress self or do large buttons
• spits out food, refuses to chew or otherwise strange eating habits
• hugs, bites, kicks, shoves, or is overly aggressive with touch (when not angry)
• runs from hugs, pats, or physical touch; wipes off kisses
• touches, leans on, picks at, or otherwise “bothers” others when in proximity (often not noticing)
• complains about lights being too bright and/or sounds being too loud
• overly responds to humming, buzzing, or white noise sounds
• chokes or gags on smells
• covers ears when watching TV
• complains of going to fast when in car, too high when lifted up
• has trouble with stairs
• doesn’t run
• doesn’t catch self when falls
• slow reflexes
• picky eater; refuses crunchy, sticky, or rough foods
• shreds food, pushes it around, puts too much in mouth, or combines/mixes in unusual ways

What’s Normal for an 18-month old?

Physical/Thrill seeking behavior:

• running through the house
• going as fast as possible
• squealing with joy
• bangs, dumps out toys, runs, splashes, babbles happily
• throwing balls, stomping, climbing all over everything
• cackles with laughter; volume up!

Distractibility:

• easily distractable by noises
• doesn’t finish activities s/he starts
• sitting still almost impossible
• comforts quickly most of the time
• surprised by loud noises like sirens or machinery
• can be redirected to more appropriate things most of the time

Love of Learning

• exploring behavior: new toys, wrapped presents, etc.
• a 5-10 minute attention span with something they like
• beginning to scribble
• pays focused attention when learning something
• notices a mess, spill, or something “not right”
• takes joy in discovery, getting something right
• may understand many more things than is able to accomplish (puzzles, stacking correctly, using legos)
• following one-step directions
• starts to understand/get excited about specific trips, errands, etc.
• may be able to put on own shoes or shorts
• understands/may initiate taking a bath, getting dressed, toileting, independent skills better (though help still needed)
• starts to notice new textures like gloves, socks, tags, etc.

Sociability

• starting to enjoy some close friends or entertaining strangers
• joins in other children at playground or nursery
• enjoys affection, tickles, physical games
• looks to parent for approval/attention
• comes to get help from caregiver, sometimes tries to “explain”
• smiles, acknowledges, waves, greets, etc.
• acknowledges name or being spoken to
• still needs attention when you are busy (oblivious)
• probably not able to play alone for long

Beginning Fears

• clinginess may still be an issue
• beginning fears (vacuum, elevator, high places, tunnel, storms, dark, bug)
• learning to either embrace or beware of new places, people, crowds, etc
• able to brush off most hurts, but pays more attention to them
• learns some safety procedures from a previous dangerous experience (beginning awareness of limits)
• easier to settle down for bedtimes, but some disappointment, fears, or dream behavior may start

Moral/Emotional Understanding

• is sad over something broken or lost
• understands No; may be sensitive to disapproval
• understands some of the rules and makes guilty faces when testing
• may show more discrimination to most/least favorite movies, toys, colors, clothes, locations etc.
• protests leaving places where having fun
• beginning to follow rules when asked
• beginning empathy when others are sad
• may offer to share or give
• can learn to take turns but has a hard time waiting
• may understand expectations like finishing dinner to get dessert
• beginning tantrum or breakdown behavior
• beginning jealousy behavior
• starting to follow requests when doing something disobedient
• protesting or mild anger when offended, disappointed
• frustration more evident, appropriate
• tearful behavior more predictable
• clear tiredness signals
• may be able to calm self down after being mildly upset
• emerging “do it myself” behavior; may give up stroller or being held
• may decide to try harder or give up when something is hard

Are girls different than boys?

While common sense begs a “Yes!” answer to this question, it is still worth figuring out which things are truly essentially different between girls and boys. Not everything you hear assigned to gender is actually gender-caused; culture and birth order have a lot to do with development, as does parenting strategies and individual personality.

Yet anyone who has had both girls and boys in the same household will probably tell you they sensed at least some essential differences in their offspring, even very early on. Many differences can be covered up or accentuated, depending on the parents’ desires, but some things really do seem to pop up “straight out of the womb.” It is not politically correct to say so these days, because the idea of “different” fearfully leads to the stigma of “unequal.” But—sorry world—girls and boys are different!

I had three boys first, so I got to know boys pretty well. And they had three VERY different personalities and developmental tracks. But needless to say, I was shocked when my girl came on the scene. Here are some things I noticed by the 18-month mark:

Fine motor control: much earlier in my girl. She was actually very upset if she couldn’t hold her crayon just right at 15 months. Verified by my pediatrician as gender-related.

Imitation: the foundation of her learning style. By 18 months, she was imitating the way i put on my purse, how I brushed my hair and teeth, even how I hugged my husband or patted my boys. Without any direction on my part, she launched into imitating Mommy.

Detail orientation: sometimes mistaken for perfectionism (which my second son has!), detail orientation in my girl had to do with whether or not she was imitating something exactly right. If it was not exactly right, she’d whine until she got it or I helped her.

Relationship-oriented: stronger in my girl. While all three of my boys are charming, friendly, and loved attention (and one of them was a strong extravert), my girl “came out” interested in people and processes rather than stuff. Whereas my boys were glued to anything that moved or was shiny from the time they could crawl, and were always reaching for things, making things, or making noise, my girl was pretty disinterested in toys and preferred to be a pal, even from the tender baby months.

Food: pickier and less interesting for my girl. I am sure this is more of a toss-up because I see plenty of picky boys. But for example, whereas my boys got trained to have breakfast in the morning first thing (and would cry if I wanted to change them first), my girl was definitely less interested in breakfast and would just “pick.” She liked only one kind of Cheerios and wanted to be changed first, etc. And she spontaneously shared her food with us as if she cared less, which my very young boys NEVER did (they cried if we asked for a bite or tried to share). We usually had to feed her breakfast twice to make sure she got enough to eat by 10am.

Maternal nature: Immediately interested in babies, mommies, animals, and flowers. Patting, consoling, even trying to change her older brother’s diaper by 15months. Everything was “aww” and cuddly by 12 months. While my other boys each had a stuffed animal they HAD to go to bed with, and loved that one, my girl was the only one who considered a batch of stuffed animals to be satisfying “toys.”

Language: generally more communicative at a younger age. In my sons, I had one late talker, one on-time, and one very early talker. So it wasn’t the words per se that differed as much as the KIND of talking. My little girl was a huge requester and explainer by 18 months (i.e. cracker? bear? not thisside, overhere), even when she didn’t have words. My boys were bigger on nouns and comments (i.e. car, cat, hereyago, thereitis). They wer also much more repetitive when they learned something, practicing and rehearsing things like their letters, colors, and animals repeatedly. My girl learned less deconstructively, more in context, so less repetitive. She was always pointing and trying to get us involved in her successes/problems. My boys were more interested in our watching and praising, sort of more of a parallel or external involvement. (Everyone loved one on one time, though, and learning activities).

Touch/Proximity: our little girl had the love language of crawling on us from six months old. Everything still has to be on our laps or somehow touching our bodies!

Tenacity: this is another toss-up because it could likely be due to birth order, but my girl actually crawled earlier, walked earlier (9 months), climbed up better, did the stairs, and generally had a more tenacious attitude about physical milestones than any of my three boys.  I think this was due to her imitative nature plus three older siblings, but I wonder if she had been a boy if she would have developed more on an independent timetable like my third son did.

independence skills: Whereas all my babies had to hang around Mommy taking a shower, getting dressed, and using the bathroom, my little girl was the first one to WANT to (routinely) brush her hair, brush her teeth, wash her hands, use the toilet, and get herself dressed. Toilet training my boys was like pulling teeth, but my little girl actually told me after she peed and ran to the toilet happily at 17 months. Can’t figure this one out at all.

Now I did not make this list to definitively describe girls from boys, but just to give you an idea of what I have seen in my own home. Today gender-related observations are rather taboo—except for height and weight, I have never had a doctor or psychologist give me two different expectations for my boys versus my girls.  But it seems to me that ignoring gender is sort of ignoring the elephant in the room, so to speak.  And I did enroll my little girl in a baby experiment affiliated with Boston University with professional developmental testing every three months, which also compared her development to her oldest sibling’s, so I am not making completely casual remarks here.  But maybe you have noticed similar or contradictory things.

As a psychology and education student, I am most concerned with the timetable aspect of development which might differ with gender than I am with gender-linked traits.  If your boys are sensitive and maternal, and your girls aggressive and risk-taking, then fine. But now that I have had four little ones right in a row, I am concerned  that most developmental timetables I am familiar with are biased towards girls and against boys.  My girl met all the deadlines right on time, my boys were more spotty.  And we have a very educational and engaged parenting style!  While i have met several moms concerned about their little girls’ development before age 3, I have met many more moms with boys who are.  (With one exception, the moms with girls were first time moms.)  So as a psychologist,  I am convinced that many moms are fearing their firstborn’s and little boy’s development without cause. There is just no way that, on the whole, my boys developed as fast (all-around) or as  communicatively as my girl. And I had one boy that was very precocious with speaking and emotional intelligence, even by 18 months, so I am not trying to cite the traditional language gap only. It just wasn’t the same, though. My girl had an intrinsically relational and imitative learning style which encouraged her independence skills at a far earlier age.  And her learning was much more contextual and self-initiated than my boys’, who really needed more support or props to develop fully in all areas.

Miracle Diet

So after trying every diet I could think of, I still couldn’t lose any weight after my fourth baby. With my other three babies, the weight came off naturally in about six months. With the fourth, I tried strategy after strategy and the scale stuck fast. I couldn’t lose one pound.

Well to be honest, I could lose a pound but then I’d just gain it back. Once I lost four pounds in two weeks and gained them back in about three days. So I gave up. I accepted my new size, about twenty pounds heavier than my old self.

But then, through a strange set of circumstances, I found a miracle cure. Eighteen months into my fourth baby’s life, I suddenly lost about ten pounds in a month. It has unstuck my scale! Try it and see if it works for you. There are three simple rules:

1. No beef, no chicken.

2. No excess sugar (sweets, candy, dessert)

3. Water

I know there has been a lot of talk in recent years about low-carb diets. But I really think the older wisdom of the low-fat diet is more effective for a postpartum mom. When you’re pregnant or breastfeeding, the body stores fat for the baby. So you usually end up with less muscle and more fat proportionally on your body. Do this over several years with a couple babies and the body changes more significantly. It adapts to the situation, seeming to manufacture flab! Even when you lose weight, it is easier to lose muscle rather than fat, especially in the waist and legs. Thus most people never return to pre-partum pants sizes even if they get skinnier. They retain enough fat in the waist and legs, more disproportately, to keep from dipping below size 8 (or size 14!). I think the key–at least at this time–is more low-fat than low-carb so the body takes in less fat and is therefore less likely to store it and more likely to burn the fat that is already there when it is fat-burning mode. (Perhaps not incidentally, I craved meat and dairy–fats–when I was pregnant, which I never had before).

Also, I know no beef/chicken is radical. I was definitely not into vegetarianism (although I admire the position). I just don’t like vegetables and vegetarian substitutions enough. But I had no idea that meat was affecting my metabolism until I stopped eating it regularly. As soon as I cut out beef and chicken (which almost every meal on a menu, even soup and salad, contains), I lost a couple pounds immediately. I didn’t cut out all meat because even with healthy options I felt loss of protein. But by cutting out beef and chicken on a daily basis, I cut out most of it out from my routine. Whenever I was faced with a non-vegetarian menu or a carnivorous moment, I had fish (and pork one time). It satisfied the craving, kicked my meat addiction (which I didn’t know I had), and worked magic. I assume it is because animal fat has a different effect on the body than non-animal fat.

Kicking the sugar habit was harder because sugar is in everything. I had tried No Sugar diets before but found myself relying on sweeteners which I have heard is possibly more dangerous than white sugar. Diet soda, coffee, and other staples of my diet seemed to be working against me even when I had victory over the chocolate habit. So I picked a rule I could live with, which was no EXCESS sugar. No desserts, no sweet tooth fixes, no cookies at Panera, etc. As soon as I did this, but left sugar in my coffee/tea, syrup for the pancakes I had on Mothers Day, and other reasonable sugar instances, I was able to eliminate a reasonable amount of sugar without craving it. I used organic pop-tarts for those moments when I was weak =) In conjunction with the less meat thing, I think my body got a major metabolic shake-up.

My third rule of Water was important, although I was not able to cut out all other drinks. I have done this at times before–drunk only water–but usually lapsed when I was at some function that only had coffee as a refreshment. Plus it is summer now and the prospect of lemonade or other refreshments loom large. I am not a good water drinker usually, so this time I just made a rule of adding water, not subtracting other things. And it really worked.

The rest of my diet I kept basically the same. I did not exercise a whole lot. I did not add in all kinds of foods I didn’t like. I didn’t cook things I should but didn’t want to eat. I did not add in supplements, skip meals, or use weight loss drugs. I did not join a gym or start regular walks (even though I want to). But my scale needle finally unstuck anyway. I finally got into some of my old pants after eighteen months in my new larger size. If it can work for me, it might work for you too!

Waldorf Curriculum

Here’s a reproducible from a Waldorf curriculum, especially for you homeschoolers!  (Probably most related to an unschooling or Charlotte Mason program.)

Birth-24mos:

Morning Garden Music: music and movement that welcomes young children into the world of rhymes, chants, songs, and dances.  (Similar to KinderMusik)

Ages 1-3:

Children explore, play, move, sing, bake, and interact with peers while parents share ideas and do crafts.

Nursery/Kindergarten (Ages 3-6, toilet trained)

A warm, home-like setting that provides a gentle and secure introduction to the world of school.  Lays the foundation for later academic achievement.  Watercolors, drawing, baking, puppetry, music, circle games, crafts, woodworking, eurhythmy, active outdoor play.  Storytelling, creative play strengthens the imagination, forming the basis of literacy.

Grade School (often just 1-8).

• Music (recorder prior to Grade 3, strings from Grad 3 onward)
• Handwork (knitting, woodwork, etc)
• Fine Arts (painting, drawing, modeling)
• Physical education and eurhythmy (rhythmic gymnastics)
• Drawing

You will observe a shift from verbal emphases during the early grades to scientific/social emphases in later grades.
 Grade 1:

Fairy tales, nature stories, folk tales; phonetic awareness, reading through writing, printing uppercase letters, names, and familiar words; arithmetic (add, subtract, multipl., division); plants, animals, metamorphosis, awareness of environment; neighborhood walks, parks, farms.

Grade 2:

Fables and legends; beginning reading, beginning writing, grammar, reads own writing; arithmetic (multiplication tables, addition with carrying, place value); respect for nature, complexity, celebrating sun/moon festivals, orbits; language, songs, games from other cultures

Grades 3:

Native American and early cultures, gifts of the land, making food and clothing, textiles, farming; practical life studies: farming, housing, gardening, soil and hut-building projects, climate; silent reading, writing, composition, punctuation, grammar, spelling, creative writing; arithmetic (four digit problems), money, measurements

Grade 4:

Norse mythology, legends, timelines; local history and geography, maps; chapter books, plot and setting, spelling, story-writing, ordering ideas/comprehension, letter writing, oral book reports; zoology; free hand geometry, fractions, long division; uniqueness of humankind, early primatology, technology and inventions

Grade 5:

Ancient civilizations, Greek mythology; American geography, topography, vegetation, agriculture, economy; harder chapter books, reference works, genre, sentence and revision strategies, editing; botany, zoology, relationships and ecosystems; decimals, ratios, metric system

Grade 6:

Roman and medieval history, civil engineering, economics, inventions; physics, acoustics, electricity, astronomy; literature, interpretation, advanced writing skills; speech, drama; geometry, consumer math

Grade 7:

Reformation and Renaissance, humanism, modern science, slavery, exploration; lands and oceans, global geography, physiology and nutrition; physics and astronomy, inorganic chemistry; non-fiction work, complex literary discussions, revision strategies, in-depth composition, poetry, drama; algebra, graphs, advanced arithmetic and prealgebra

Grade 8:

Modern history (18-21st cent), Constitution, technology/industrial revolution; social world geography and economic interdependence; physics, anatomy, organic chemistry; evaluation, interpretation, analysis skills, complex writing projects; advanced algebra, computer algorithms

Why Having Kids (Early) Helped My Marriage

If I had a nickel for every time someone told me that waiting to have kids after marriage is a good idea, I wouldn’t have to worry about being a stay-at-home mom. I suppose it is stock wisdom of my parent’s age especially that the healthiest thing you can do for your marriage is give yourself a couple years to travel, get to know your partner, find your career, etc., before you have kids. Kids are seen as a big stresser, so you don’t want that. And you want to have enough money to take care of the kids (meaning buy a house, have two cars, life insurance, save for college, etc.) before you have them.

Except that if I’d taken this route, I’m not sure I would have had children. And I certainly wouldn’t have had more than two!

Now I was young when I got married which is unusual for girls these days. I graduated college a year early to get married, which is practically unheard of. Something Grandma might have done (if she’d gone to university at all). So I can see why my own parents encouraged me to wait to have children. After all, they waited eight years. And I suppose they had some really good times in those eight years and wanted me to have them too. My husband’s parents also waited about eight years, and they were really worried when we wanted to have kids so early. I think they were more concerned about the money aspects. (But both my parents and my in-laws got married early, so it was really the pot calling the kettle black there

So while I don’t see myself on some crusade to advocate marrying and having kids early, I like to encourage young couples who find themselves in a similar position as I did. I like to encourage them that having children can actually help your marriage. Contrary to the stresser image that “everyone” creates, I can say with 100% confidence that having children early forced my husband and I to grow closer. Everyone has their own reason why choosing to have kids when they did (20s, 30s, 40s) was good for them, and that should be taken into account. There is no reason why younger couples need to feel any worse than older couples who want to have babies. Don’t let fear or intimidation dictate how you chart your course.

Here are some ways having children helped my marriage:

• Intimacy. While there were intermittent periods of hating my body and not wanting anyone to touch it, or being sick and tired, overall my childbearing time was a very free time for romance and intimacy. Hormones can help you and there are no periods, PMS, or contraception to worry about. Most husbands actually are proud of their own virility and pregnant wives so they think they’re fun and cute until they get super-huge =)
• Finances. While children cost, if you know you are going to have them at all, there are real planning benefits to having them younger. You can plan for college and retirement earlier, longer, and with more wisdom than if you start in the middle of your career. Also, infants don’t cost a whole lot so you can get by in an apartment or whatever less than ideal situation you are in when you start out. It bonds you to your husband to not have financial woes or changes to deal with and quarrel about.
• Identity. I didn’t feel a huge setback having children when I was first married because I wasn’t choosing to leave a career I loved, a lifestyle I was used to, or a salary I made. I didn’t have to plan for a non-single but no-children period which many of my friends are currently in and find confusing for their life direction. This includes decisions to go back to school, switch careers, or other things you may be postponing because you find it silly to put forth the effort and then leave it for Motherworld. I found my married identity with my husband more easily because my children bonded me to him.
• Children’s Identity. If your children grow up with you while you’re still forming your own identity, they have a good chance of being inculcated into your life in a special way. You are still discovering where you want to live, what you want to do, and they get to be part of that instead of coming along later when you already have your identity set but you take a special time out of it to have children and then go back to it later. You are formed by your children more in the formative years of marriage, but your children are also formed by your marriage and life discovery. The potential for bonding and influence may be greater.
• Energy& Physique. While it has been hard to lose pregnancy weight sometimes, I know it is not as hard as it would be if I were ten years older. And while pregnancy has been hard on my body, I did not suffer as much as I would if I had been ten years older. It was easier to recover too. This all translated into benefiting my marriage because when Mommy feels good, Daddy feels good too. We enjoyed my pregnancies and traveling together, etc. When I had my first child we were still young enough to remember the old college days when we stayed up until 3am on purpose, so the nighttime waking of a small infant was new but not foreign. Sometimes we actually stayed up late together to feed the baby at 1am and then jump into bed for the next five (hopefully!) hours together.
• Joy. When you’re newly married, you still have a joy for your partner that longer years in marriage more easily drain. (You can still have it but it’s harder!). The joy and romance you feel toward your husband often transfers to more peace about your family life, which benefits a new baby coming. Plus, the projects and changes that having a baby provoke can be challenging to deal with, with your spouse. But if you haven’t spent eight years together bickering already, it can be a really fun adventure!
• Bonding with your child. If you and dad are in your twenties, you can zip more around the playground together, follow your toddlers around, and be sillier with your preschoolers without feeling like you’re betraying the dignity of adult status. (Grandparents rediscover this youthfulness, but you have to wait until you’re fifty or sixty!)
• Troubleshooting. Having babies early in your marriage essentially makes you and your spouse troubleshooter partners-in-crime. While this sometimes means stepping on each other’s toes, it also means comeraderie, friendship, lots of talks, ironing out philosophy, and creativity… together! I usually see that older mothers end up doing most of the parenting themselves (possibly because Dad is more entrenched in his career). But being young parents helped my husband and I be more of a team because we were still fresh and vulnerable to each other. He parents a lot more than some of my friend’s husbands even though his personality is similar to theirs’ because having children and squabbles was part of his worldview at an earlier, more formative stage.
• Long-term plan. Having babies early in your marriage not only bonds you to your husband more (because you need each other from the outset and do not develop independently for more years) but liberates you earlier on the other end of life. When some of your friends are just starting their families at 35 and 40, you will be winding up your families around that time and ready to pursue life together again. You will older and wiser, and freer. Simply put, you do the hard work together up front but then you get the simpler part later. This doesn’t entail you’ll have perfect peace and prosperity by then because things will come up in your 40s and 50s too. But instead of dealing with those things at 60 and 70, you’ll be younger. And it can be a very bonding experience to consider what you’ll do with your middle-age years together.

Now I fully realize that children can add stress to a marriage and that having them early in marriage is not a good idea for everyone. The first year of marriage, in particular, can be difficult enough without adding the changes a baby brings. But I have heard of several mothers getting pregnant on their honeymoon and adjusting just fine after the first nine months. It must be a pretty incredible experience, actually. So I just write this to dispel notions of doom and gloom should you find yourself in that position too. Or should you be strange enough to actually WANT children soon after you get married. There are lots of benefits! The key is, are you going to take advantage of those or are you going to resent the challenges that it may bring? I believe that having children at any age necessitates the right decision there, and that as long as you don’t write children off as the great Marriage Breaker that you have to prepare for ten years in advance, you’ll be happy. And I’ll have made my case =)