The Autistic Child (NOT)

Does this describe your child?

  • 2.5-3.5yrs old
  • probably male, probably firstborn
  • delayed language; doesn’t put words together yet
  • doesn’t use Yes/No correctly– can cry/temper tantrum easily
  • doesn’t call for help
  • doesn’t use Mommy/Daddy/own name well
  • very detail-oriented
  • walks on tiptoes
  • walks in circles, sometimes jabbering to self or no-one
  • spins car wheels, pokes blocks off, or otherwise repetitive play behavior
  • repeats your questions/statements
  • repeats sounds or scripts ad nauseum
  • easily distracted
  • bad eye contact
  • can’t answer comprehension questions
  • no gestures or pointing
  • few independent skills
  • doesn’t understand taking turns or people skills well
  • won’t drink milk, eat fruit, etc.
  • constipated all the time
  • difficult sleeper

Congratulations!  You have a fine, well-adjusted NON-AUTISTIC child!  No, I mean it.  Your child is likely a finicky, driven, bored and distracted little boy.  He doesn’t care about language, isn’t able to pick it up easily, and is therefore a tough cookie who is behind in some areas that he wouldn’t be if he had better language skills.  But for now, you have to suffer in the world of preschool, playgrounds, and other life adventures that really do require more English and social skills than your child has.  And guess what?  This is totally normal!  Stop worrying that he is on THE SPECTRUM because life doesn’t seem to fit his developmental timetable, and just hang in there until he’s 5.  Get a lot of structure and routine that works for you, adopt a rigid discipline ethic if necessary, and have faith that once the language kicks in, he will make up for lost time pretty much right away.  His behavior will also become less erratic.

How about this child?

  • 1-4 yrs old
  • picky eater
  • messy, clumsy, can’t dress self well
  • cries easily
  • strange phobias– water, vacuum, dirt
  • anxious behavior
  • taps or scratches self, has repetitive stimulatory behaviors (i.e. may still suck thumb, fidget with socks, etc)
  • seems lost in a group, or plays alone
  • deep, focused play skills; strange attention at times
  • doesn’t like to engage others
  • avoids conflict, checks out
  • can talk but doesn’t initiate or sustain conversation; people might not even know how well they speak
  • may speak to privileged individuals, in-depth about their favorite subject/question
  • unusual talents, or way ahead in an adult area
  • retreats to specific activities; self-soothing repetitive play
  • takes things apart to study
  • handles toys or household objects in peculiar (non-functional) ways
  • sensitive to smells, sounds, touch
  • “freak out” or “shut down” behavior
  • low muscle tone
  • allergies or inadequate nutrition

Congratulations!  You too have a sensitive, fearful, NON-AUTISTIC child!   Most people would like to diagnose your little guy with Asberger’s or Autism Spectrum, but more likely you have a misunderstood, sensory-sensitive little person.  This profile is less commonly complained about than the very first profile I outlined, but it definitely represents a portion of toddlers who are very quickly seen as at-risk for autism and usually packed right off to a specialist for a neuropsychological exam.  Whereas the first  profile I listed above is likely to see the child put in special preschool, perhaps with an ADD-type medication, this second profile is more likely to be medicated for childhood depression, anxiety, OCD, or reactive detachment disorder.  But kids come in all colors!  There is no need to panic because your little person isn’t the extraverted, sensible preschooler.  He/She may be an “old soul” or grumpy type who doesn’t fit in with the flashy world around them.  He/She probably needs a little extra nurture and coddling, as well as some occupational therapy or one-on-one play/floortime with a loved one.  Resist THE SPECTRUM curse!

** Note: Of course I am not against true autism diagnosis.  And I am not against checking out whatever symptoms worry you about your child.  I am just making light of the fact that “normal” is a wide range, and MUCH wider than we are told it is.  Usually we are told to worry, from experts, parents, or friends, because of the developmental scare climate out there.  Yet there is no reason to push the Panic Button just because your toddler or preschooler has some delayed or anti-social behavior.  Attention and special education might be necessary…as it always has been, in the case of small children who have individual tendencies and weaknesses.  But usually these are things you can do on your own or with limited intervention.  There is no need to put small children under a microscope and ship them off for multiple diagnoses so they can receive services from the state until they’re 21 because we’re afraid they’re all high-functioning autistic.**

How about this?

Does Your Boy Develop Unevenly?

After hundreds of comments from moms dealing with their speech-delayed boys who walk on tiptoes or have other such idiosyncrasies, it occurred to me to write another post on the boy/autism thing.  This time, with a focus on the developmental timetable.

I have another post on how boys develop differently than girls, but to recap an important point: boys often do not follow the timetables.  In fact, they are spotty.  They grow unevenly.  At times, they will hit the developmental mark right on the money.  Other times, they will be way off.  And often, they will have some abilities way ahead for their age—while at the same time, they will have glaring weaknesses way behind for their age.

For example, when my firstborn son was 2 going on 3, he could do 100 piece puzzles from memory.  No box, no pausing.  Just snap, snap, piece after piece together.  Like a robot actually.  He even found out, by doing the puzzles on top of each other, that some of them used the same template!  For a toddler who didn’t talk yet or even say “Mommy” or “Daddy,” this was strange to us. Then when combined with some of his habits like walking on tiptoe, spinning and crashing cars (but not really playing with them), memorizing long scripts from video, repeating himself, and not pointing or gesturing, we started realizing he had some of the autism signs.

In fact, when we read down the lists of symptoms, he had lots of them.  He had language delays, some social and emotional issues, and some of the sensory signs.  He seemed to have no imagination or interest in crayons or action figures.  But he seemed way ahead in spatial skills, knew all his letters and numbers etc., had great focus, loved to be cuddled, and generally seemed bright and charming.  His motor skills were great, and any non-verbal tests he got, he passed with flying colors.  Or things that needed one-word answers he could do.  He was way ahead in some cognitive areas and way behind in others.

Then my second son came along and was the mirror image of my firstborn.  Extremely verbal, very early, artistic and creative, but way behind in motor skills.  Emotionally unstable and very anxious, he had almost all the sensory problems common to autistic children, including choking issues, hatred of socks and tags, inability to cross the midline, and freaking out sometimes.  He didn’t bond well to others (except Mom) and couldn’t do puzzles or visual tracking activities.  So even though he was talking, imaginative, and sociable enough in his own way, HE was all over the charts.  And thus possibly autistic.

Then my third boy came along.  You know the story by now.  He hit some milestones right on time (i.e. walking), hit some way early (i.e. sentences by 19months old), and some way behind (i.e. toileting issues until his fourth birthday).  And he had some strange issues (i.e. severe fear of water).  By this time, however, we had trashed the charts.  We figured he was fine!  He didn’t have to love everything 3 year olds loved, he didn’t have to talk like 3 year olds talked, and he didn’t have to fit in some “autistic Spectrum” bucket because he had some emotional immaturity. And now that he’s nearly five, we’re SURE he’s not autistic!  (or any of our other boys either).

So this is my encouragement to you if your boys are geniuses at some things but embarrassingly behind at other things.  Do you know that book, “Men are Like Waffles and Women are Like Spaghetti”?    That book effectively describes how my little boys think.  Their brains are like waffles, with separate compartments for each kind of skill or knowledge.  They can dive in real deep within any one box, but the knowledge doesn’t seem to transfer over into other boxes or compartments.  The connections aren’t there, and there isn’t much infrastructure to help them build up their weaknesses. So they grow very unevenly.  It can be worrisome for a time because their strengths get stronger but their weaknesses seem to get weaker, especially when you start comparing them to other kids.  3 year olds tend to be the most diverse.  Sometimes therapy doesn’t even seem to make a difference, at least not right away.  Little boys just plunge ahead with their strengths (what they naturally get) and prefer to stay there, enjoying it and totally oblivious to your concerns that they aren’t “normal” all around.

Consequently it is now no longer surprising to me that my six year old son currently can take apart radios and electric circuits, but doesn’t understand that if he stands close to the stairs, he might fall down them.  My almost 5 year old son can talk to me about heaven and dying, and what he wants to be when he grows up, but still hates even the tiniest drop of water on him or will change his underwear or socks if they get a speck of dirt on them.  My seven year old son currently can pass second and third grade English and Math tests, on paper, but has a five year old’s vocabulary, says “What?” a lot, and uses awkward phrases all the time.  They are just not even developers.  Some things way ahead and some things behind.  Some normal habits and some strange idiosyncrasies.

In comparison to my girl, who is precocious socially and emotionally, and has met every deadline on time, there is just no similarity.  My conclusion: It’s ok for boys to be uneven and worrisome.  That’s just often how it goes.

“Mommy, I’m BORED!”

There is probably no other complaint that can get a mom so upset.  Especially during summertime.  When it seems like everything is already down and dumpy, this comment can be the one that shoots Mom through the roof.  Even if it isn’t actually SAID, the one year old toddler has a way of making this known.  It can be SOOO frustrating!

Here’s the good news: you don’t have to do anything about it.  Lots has been written on boredom and how boredom is the source of creativity: if you get bored with life, you look for something to do.  So the application goes: if your child is bored with what they have, they need to look for a new way to use it.  But most kids under three have a limited imagination (especially if they are special needs), so it can be hard to wait through the tantrum or trouble a bored little kid gets into when they don’t know how to use what they’ve got.  Kids over three have great imaginations, but it can be hard to get them to want to use it.

Still, if I could impart one lesson to a new stay at home mom, it would be: don’t give into to the Boredom Complaint.  I used to all the time, and I’d go play with my child.  And it made him more dependent on me than ever.  I used to think he’d never use his imagination if I didn’t jump in, but I found out that my jumping in actually stalled him.  I think he was four or five years old before he’d really just play.

Now that doesn’t mean parents should never play with their children.  I totally believe they should, and my husband and I have some playtime with our kids every day, even if it’s just a botched game of UNO.  When my first was smaller, I used to use play therapy with him for his special needs.  That was extremely effective.  And he had Early Intervention too, which was also play therapy.  However, giving into the Boredom Complaint is not play therapy.  It’s manipulation… you’re trying to get your child to settle down and be happy instead of taking the stereo apart (if he’s a boy) or whining around your leg all day (if she’s a girl), and so you give in.  I know lots of people who swear that their girls in particular won’t DO anything.  They have to play with them!  What else could they do?

Well, a young child has to be trained to play of course.  They’re not six year olds who are enthralled with their lego castles yet.  (YET!)   As irony goes, your child won’t really get into settled down playing until they’re school age and not allowed to play all day anymore =)  But that still doesn’t mean you should be playing with your little guy all day… park trips, play time, cooking time, game time, etc.  If you are playing with your child all day except for when they nap or watch TV, then you are eventually going to end up with one big TV watcher!  I’m not kidding!  You have to find a way to HANG OUT with your child without playing with them.  Some children are persistent and even more moms are cave-in’s.  but your life will be SO much better if you do.

This is particularly difficult with your first child because it’s just you and him/her.  You look at each other all day and you’re tuned into each other’s emotions, schedule, etc.  It’s like you overlap in some ways.  Moreover, a baby needs 24/7 care, so it’s difficult to know how or when you should start leaving your “baby” alone.  At one, do you suddenly dissociate?  No, that’s not what I’m saying.

What I’m saying is, my later children are better adjusted than my earlier ones because they grew up not being focused on.  They were paid attention to a lot, but not focused on. There’s a huge difference. My little two year old (fourth child) still mostly shadows me all day.  But that’s her choice.  She has three other siblings to play with, so if she chooses to follow me around, then that’s her problem not mine.  I talk with her and sometimes share things with her or make them into an interesting activity for her, but I do it when it’s right for ME.  I don’t do it because she’s demanding it.  And if she’s in my way too much, I send her away.  This might hurt her feelings at first and then she suddenly realizes that she’d LIKE to play lego castles with her brother.  In personality, she’s a lot like her cousin who also shadows her mom and grandmom.  But the difference is that they feel bound to their little girl like she’s sucking the life out of them.  They feel obligated to “play” with her, to “educate” her, and make her happy, whereas I feel free to do the things I’m doing (most of the time ;-)   The main difference is in attitude: my little girl and I are HANGING OUT.  I love her and accept her.  That’s what families do.

So that’s my best piece of advice for mom and her two year old.  Hang out, but don’t focus.  This is difficult, but if you can pretend that you have other children around and a life to live while you’re shuttling just two year old Junior around, then do it.  Make calls, go to the mall (your favorite stores), and eat at the cafe you’d like.  Go to the playground if you want, but don’t feel obligated to suit your whole schedule around Junior.  Just make sure it’s Junior-friendly (i.e. no china shopping).  When you finally do have baby number 2, it will be the healthiest thing that’s happened to all of you.  But if you don’t plan on having baby number 2 until your first child is 3, 4, or 5 yrs old, you’d better start shifting into HANGOUT mode now.  I’m telling you: this is the number one thing that will change your stay at home experience =)

NOTE: for older kids, when they say “I’m Bored” you have three choices; either take away all their toys except for one ball.  Or throw them outside, even if it’s hot or drizzling.  Or make them work on a workbook or the laundry.  Any of these three options will get their imaginations fired up again in no time.

Accidents (Wet Pants)

Do you have a bedwetter?  I have a little four year old who has had trouble mastering the fineries of toilet training.  Not a lot of trouble, but just enough that when I drop him off in a kids class, I am wondering whether he’ll be embarrassed that no other kids in there need spare shorts and underwear in their cubby.

He’s got a couple problems.  One, he still thinks he’s a victim of his pee pee =)  I’m not sure if he realizes that he controls his own muscles, but at least he talks like he’s not sure about that.  “It just came out” he’ll say.  So while he has good bladder control (he only needs to go to the bathroom about six times a day), he sometimes doesn’t make it to the bowl.  He has a lot of those accidents where he’s standing in front of the toilet but the pee pee came before he could aim.

He still also wets the bed.  Not a lot, but about once a week or a couple times a month.  Sometimes he has just some “off” days where he has a couple accidents in a row and then he’ll go two weeks without one.  Having helped a different child of mine through sensory processing disorder, I chalk this up to the brain’s differences each day.  I never realized how much just one day can make things “on” or “off” for a preschooler.  So I understand that to be normal for a still-developing child.

That said, it still is frustrating!  Who likes cleaning carpets and sheets all the time?  Who likes walking into their child’s room with that familiar but pungent smell of urine in the morning?  Worse still, my four year old is embarrassed!  He’s not so self-consciuos as a first grader would be, but he still HATES wetting himself.  Or getting a little bit of stool in his pants.

So here’s some things we’ve adopted that have helped a little bit.

1) Make sure your carseat is water resistant and easy to take off.  (We’ve been using the Graco booster)

2)  Make sure the child’s mattress is waterproofed.  The easiest thing to get is one of those $5 plastic mattress protectors at Walmart.  The plastic is soft enough that the kids don’t mind sleeping over it, and then you can just use a Clorox wipe post-accident.

3)  Keep the child out of socks.  Nothing makes cleaning up accidents worse than urinated socks.  Plus, it ends up making more places on your carpet you have to clean.  (Some people make the same argument for shorts and swear by sweatpants for accident-prone kids.)

4) Keep a sticker chart for awhile.  My little guy was having trouble recognizing if he was going through a problem season or having a good season.  So we kept a chart so he could see if he was doing well or not.

5)  Reward and punish as appropriate.  I don’t believe in punishing accidents as a rule since a lot of training is biological and takes practice.  But since the accidents mainly started a couple months after toilet training was successful, my husband and I now use some kind of positive and negative reinforcement at times.  I give my guy a jelly bean if he wakes up dry or has some kind of small victory like clean underwear for the day, and I take away his special Lightning McQueen blanket if he has an accident overnight (mainly because it’s so puffy that I hate washing it!).   You can use the excuse like “Lightning McQueen HATES getting wet.  He wants to stay away until he knows his paint will stay dry.”  He then has to wake up dry for 14 days in a row to get it back.   If he goes 14 days without a daytime accident, I let him go to a special kids club on Wednesday nights that my older boys go to.  (Mainly because the teachers there aren’t equipped to deal with toileting problems).

6)  Probably doesn’t need to be said but, baths every day.  A new toilet trainer or accident-prone child really ought to have a bath every day until they have a strong record of handling their own bums in private.  Also teach washing hands after EVERY trip to the toilet.  I used to make my boys only wash after a bowel movement (mainly because it seemed like they were always peeing), but I have learned with my third boy that their hands rest everywhere when they go to the toilet… like they hold onto the bowl to balance while they get their pants back on, or the sink.  They might inspect their underwear to see if it’s dry but their might be a small stool mark in there from not wiping all the way, etc etc.  Plus, it’s good practice for being in public when they should wash every time anyway.

Spend a good amount of time teaching good washing habits and you’ll have a lot less worry in your life. (NOTE: it’s perfectly normal for little kids to wash too long, use too much water, too much soap, etc.  Don’t stress it until about a year later.)   Make sure they can wash without your help or it will be too annoying.

Reading/Spelling Toys & Workbooks (ages 2-6)

Recently I had a relative drill me on what kinds of educational toys we give our kids.  She has been trying to get her four year old to play independently and to read.  So I went through a lot of what we had, and I thought I’d post some lists out here just for fun.  Here’s the reading/spelling list—maybe it will spur your own imagination.

It’s a blend of visual, auditory, and kinesthetic activities since we’ve had one of each =)

Reading/Spelling Skills

  • Boggle Jr. (spells three and four letter words)
  • Melissa and Doug wood word spellers

http://www.amazon.com/Melissa-Doug-2940-See-Spell/dp/B0007Y4DLG/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=toys-and-games&qid=1247063805&sr=8-1

  • Letter tiles (or you can use Scrabble tiles)

http://www.amazon.com/LETTER-TILES-UPPER-LOWER-176/dp/B000FA6DXS/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=office-products&qid=1247063905&sr=8-1

http://www.amazon.com/Ready-Letters-Playful-Uppercase-Lowercase/dp/B0007WXIOG/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=office-products&qid=1247067160&sr=8-1

  • Build a Word or other Phonics tiles

http://www.amazon.com/Build-a-Word-Phonics-Kit/dp/B000NWGP4U/ref=sr_1_10?ie=UTF8&s=toys-and-games&qid=1247064023&sr=8-10

  • Letter beads or blocks (string a word or stack your name)
  • Sight word magnets or word blocks for building sentences

http://www.amazon.com/READING-RODS-SENTENCE-BUILD-156/dp/B000F8T9OU/ref=pd_sbs_t_4

  • Leap Pad sound magnets for the refrigerator

http://www.amazon.com/LeapFrog-Fridge-Phonics-Magnetic-Alphabet/dp/B000096QNK/ref=pd_sxp_grid_i_2_2

  • “The Talking Letter Factory” (Leappad DVD)
  • “The Talking Word Factory” (Leappad DVD)
  • “The Storybook Factory” (Leappad DVD)
  • Rock N Learn “Phonics” DVD, “Letter Sounds” DVD
  • Sesame Street “Sing the Alphabet” CD
  • Readers: All our kids learned to read with the “Dick & Jane” series first, then Dr. Seuss (“Hop on Pop” first). We’ve used other readers intermittently, but these were the tried and true.

http://www.amazon.com/Storybook-Treasury-Dick-Jane-Friends/dp/0448433400/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1247069068&sr=8-1

  • Phonic matching cards (“Q” with a picture of a queen)
  • Uppercase/lowercase matching puzzles

http://www.amazon.com/Fun%252dto%252dKnow-Uppercase-Lowercase-Alphabet-Puzzles/dp/B000NNQU76/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=toys-and-games&qid=1247067160&sr=8-3

  • Phonics flashcards (Panda on one side, P on the other)
  • Spelling flashcards (B + U + S  makes a picture of a bus)

http://www.amazon.com/Three-Letter-Words-Puzzle-Cards/dp/0887432778/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1247064171&sr=8-1

  • Alphabet puzzles of different kinds (wood, foam–try a floor puzzle for gross motor types)

http://www.amazon.com/Uppercase-We-Sell-Mats-Puzzle-Each/dp/B0012YMWO0/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=toys-and-games&qid=1247065115&sr=8-3

  • Create-your-own puzzles with kids names on them (cardboard puzzle templates found at art/craft stores)

http://www.amazon.com/BLANK-PUZZLES-RECTANGLE-12-PK/dp/B002EAL7JW/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=toys-and-games&qid=1247066415&sr=1-1

  • prelined paper practice (kindergarten spaced) tracing or freehand

http://www.amazon.com/Pacon-DNEALIAN-RULED-PADS-KINDERGARTEN/dp/B001D67CUG/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=toys-and-games&qid=1247066465&sr=1-2

  • wipe-off markerboard or placemat with letters, numbers, and words

http://www.amazon.com/Learning-Resources-Write-Wipe-off-Handwriting/dp/B0018LWY2M/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&s=toys-and-games&qid=1247066613&sr=1-5

  • Chalkboard or whiteboard (kids love the different mediums! or try driveway chalk for even more fun)

http://www.amazon.com/American-Plastic-Toys-12800-Easel/dp/B001KLCRD6/ref=sr_1_24?ie=UTF8&s=toys-and-games&qid=1247066756&sr=1-24

  • Magnet letters/phonics/words, or building rods

http://www.eaieducation.com/103475.html

  • Salt tray (for tracing letters and numbers in)
  • make letters/words out of playdoh or legos (kinesthetic learners love this)
  • signs or placemats in plain view

http://www.amazon.com/Uppercase-Lowercase-Alphabet-Teach-Me-Mats/dp/0769648797/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1247066986&sr=1-3

At different points we had alphabet toys from Leappad and other brands, but we ended up giving them away because they got old too quickly or we couldn’t stand the noises/songs anymore.

Workbooks

  • Explode the Code workbook series (A, B, C; 1, 1.5; secular).  These help teach phonics and reading three to four-letter words.  It is the best for thinking skills that I’ve seen.

http://www.christianbook.com/get-ready-code-book/nancy-hall/9780838817803/pd/17807?event=1016EX|928696|1016

  • Kumon workbook series (i.e Writing Words, Rhyming Words).  These help teach writing and spelling small words. Reading the words occurs in the process.

http://www.amazon.com/Book-Rhyming-Words-Kumon-Workbooks/dp/4774307610/ref=pd_sim_b_1

  • BJU Beginnings Worktext for K5 workbook (Christian).  This one taught two of my boys to read when we started before the fifth birthday and used it for several months.  However, you can’t use it with a child that does not write at all.  Some minor handwriting skills are needed.  So if you have a fine-motor challenged child, stick with readers or kinesthetic activities for another year.

http://www.christianbook.com/k5-beginnings-student-worktext-3rd-edition/9781591668916/pd/260059?event=1016BJU|1184610|60219

Some kids aren’t the workbook type, but if you give them one-on-one time with yourself at their elbow, it is pretty easy to get most kids to do a couple pages a day.  Start with just one, around age 3 or 3.5, and work up.

Also, lots of workbooks are out there which you can pick up at the Walmart, Costco, Barnes and Noble, or grocery store (Schaeffer, Modern Curriculum Press, Comprehensive Curriculum, Educational Teaching Press…).   Those are obviously fine.  The workbooks I listed above are actually academically approved ones which I used with multiple children because they were so good.

My Child is Three–should she be reading yet?

If you didn’t catch the sarcasm in this title, this post is for you!

I don’t mean this to be rude—it’s just that with the advent of Baby Reading videos and the cutthroat path of getting your kid accepted to kindergarten, parents start worrying that Johnny and Jane aren’t reading WAY too early these days.  And I don’t say this because I don’t believe in teaching little kids to read… all of my posts on reading should tell you that.  But I say this because I now have six-, five-, and almost four-year old in the house (all boys) and they are at very different stages in the educational arena.  A six year old is not a five year old, is not a four year old.   So everyone who is running around trying to get their four year old to be “kindergarten ready” may not fully appreciate the nuances.

I myself used to think that there were more commonalities between four- five- and six-year olds.  I certainly knew they were different ages but I thought the early ages of 0, 1, 2, and 3 were more distinct.  I think this was probably reinforced by the idea of “early education” or “early child development” which usually refers to the ages 3 and under.  You see dramatic differences in your child, especially physically and verbally, from 0-3, but then once kids reach the age of four, they start to even out.  Most are talking and running around the playground pretty equally with kindergarten kids, so you start to think they’re the same.  Then when your kindergarten neighbor boasts that she can read “Blueberries for Sal” all by herself, you think, “Eek!  Jane is still not blending two sounds together!”  And you start to worry.

Stop worrying!

I am going to tell you the real truth here.  The thing no-one seems to be telling you these days is that four-years old IS the time of learning to blend.  As long as your three-year old knows all her letters and sounds by her fourth birthday, you are on track.  A four year old should be able to start fooling around with worksheets that utilize letter sound activities in different ways: initial consonants, ending consonants, short vowel sounds in the middle, etc.   He or she will probably recognize her name and some common three-letter words.  She may be able to spell three letter words verbally if you are emphatic—”spell WET.  WWEhhT.”  He may sound out three-letter words on the page with help but not on his own yet.  This is totally normal.  So is being able to read a word in one book (i.e. “help”) but not the same word in another book.  This is probably because the brain is still encoding what “help” really looks like.  Or the font is different enough to throw the child off.  So patience during this fourth year is the key.  The ability to blend the sounds together develops some time during this fourth year so that by the time the child reaches their fifth birthday, they will probably be reading three letter words all on their own if you just keep doing what you’re doing.  And if they are not, another six months (5.5yrs) will probably yield a Dr. Seuss reader (three to five-letter phonetic words all at once).

If you are still doubtful, consider why kindergarten magically begins at age 5.  Kids seem ready for it way before, right?  Part of the reason why kindergarten begins at age 5 is because age 5 is the normal time for kids to learn to read on their own.  And if a child is five-and-a-half before he enters kindergarten, he is actually at an advantage… the four-and-a-half year old who is sad because her birthday doesn’t make the cutoff will actually grow a significant amount in just one more year.  A handful of two and three year olds can read before they turn four, but that is uncommon.  Don’t take that as your guideline, even with all the pressure to do so.

At four years old, your child should also be developing SOME writing abilities.  Now when I say “some,” this is relative.  Some four year olds are very detail-oriented with fine motor talents.  They can write uppercase and lowercase letters pretty well.  Other four year olds are still using the salt tray to trace big capitals with their pointer finger.  This is still ok.  Or they may be able to draw a huge “A” with chalk but not on paper.  With practice, this should change around the fifth birthday–a five year old should be writing his letters on paper even though the size and spacing is probably all off and some letters will be reversed on occasion.  Remember the handwriting in Winnie-the-Pooh?  Where “WOL” is scratched over Owl’s doorpost?  That is the kind of handwriting your five-year-old will probably have for awhile.  Handwriting develops a lot in the fourth and fifth year.

S o just keep practicing.  What you’re really looking for is “correct” handwriting by the sixth birthday.  If your child enters first grade still not being able to print the letters right (and print on the line, with spacing, etc), he or she will be just slightly behind.  A six year old’s handwriting will still need work, though.  Penmanship (manuscript) should begin in the fifth year and continue onto the sixth to make sure that your child is forming the letters correctly.  Until this is mastered, hopefully by age seven, they are not ready for cursive (typically around 8 yrs old).  While there is not as much pressure for kids to write as early as they read, the pressure is still there—with cursive instruction sometimes being pushed in first or second grade.  In the old days, seven and eight year olds were still practicing proper pencil grip, paper position, and penstrokes in mid-air.  And the handwriting benefited.  So don’t succumb to perfect writing Nazis too early either.

**Note: So many people have asked me about Teaching Your Baby to Read videos.  While I don’t discourage them directly (anything educational for babies is fine), I don’t believe in them either.  I have never seen a baby reading—no point anyway since they can’t talk about it.  So I don’t think the results of baby videos are real reading.  Nor do I think they are healthy to expect.  Not only should babies be developing other things rather than reading during the infant stage, parents shouldn’t have hyper-educational expectations that early.  The one on one interaction time is great, the memory and sight-recognition is great.  But until I see a baby reading Dr. Seuss, I remain highly certain that real reading should and will take place sometime between four and six years old regardless of baby videos.

Nighttime Fears

It is very normal for kids 2-4yrs to have fears at nighttime…the dark, the shadows, the boogeyman, etc.  And little kids can be very creative in their fears!  My younger brother used to be afraid of trains coming in through his window!  I remember being afraid that my raincoat hanging on a hook in my room turned into a little girl who would come closer to me, to get me when I closed my eyes.  And my father confessed to being afraid of Captain Hook’s crocodile who swallowed the clock… he couldn’t stand any ticking sounds until he was about 10!  Knowing that times haven’t changed much, kids who watch Disney movies might be afraid of a particular villain living in their closet or visiting them in their dreams.  And lots of kids are afraid of alligators or monsters under the bed.

These things are totally normal.  But when the fears start interrupting “normal” sleeping habits, it is time to take action.  If you can intervene early, you often stave off fears getting worse.  However, be prepared that many fears don’t go away overnight.  They are largely outgrown with time.  But there are things you can do to manage nighttime fears.  Being practical and creative is the key.

1.  Adjust lighting. Some kids do well with nightlights, others don’t because the light creates more shadows which are scary.  Ask them.  Some kids like having a flashlight by their bed, which makes them feel powerful in the dark.  Or, get an energy efficient lamp and let them sleep with the light on.  Don’t be afraid that they’ll need it forever; when they’ve clearly outgrown the problem, they’ll probably want it off themselves.

2.  Add soothing music. Many stereos can be set on “repeat” and this is something to take advantage of if your child wakes up a lot during the night.  Lullabyes, some classical music, or kids songs CDs can be a distraction from fear when a child opens their eyes in the dark… they don’t hear funny sounds outside, and they tune into the words instead of letting their imaginations run wild.

3.  Add to the bedtime routine. For my brother who was afraid of trains coming in through his window (for no logical reason whatsoever), my mom invented the “Train Vanishing Spray” with a simple spray bottle and water.  She used to go around and spritz his window every night saying, “Trains, go away!”, before bedtime–even letting my brother do it.  A little bit of “magic” plus kid’s control can go a long way in making fears leave.  Try the “Vanishing Spray” for alligators under the bed, villains in the closet, or other things which are irrational.  If your child is trustworthy, you can even leave the bottle with them overnight to use if they wake up scared (most two year olds can’t handle this, but a 4 or 5 year old can).  Other things which work at the bedtime routine include saying a special prayer or chant, reading a “vanishing” story each night (you can make one up yourself that incorporates the child’s actual fear and conquering hero), or having Dad play “ghostbuster” for a couple minutes (with a special tool, or superhero complete with cape).  A prayer or chant works well because the child has something to say and try when they wake up by themselves in the middle of the night.  If you believe in God, tell the child that God is more powerful than any other bad guy on earth, and to ask God for help if they wake up scared.

4.   Add a stuffed animal or prop. Lots of kids start appreciating a stuffed animal friend at this age, if they are scared.  Maybe even a couple.  If you can play it up, that the animals will protect them and keep them safe, it can really work.  Try a stuffed lion or bear (that is big and looks cute).  Or you can employ a “magic” protection charm, like a flag over their bed, a canopy or bed tent, or a new monster-proof blanket on their bed.  Even magic PJs or underwear can make them feel safe.  These things have the added bonus of keeping little kids IN their bed because they think it’s the “home base” where they’re safe.  You want to make their environment cozy and personal.

5.  Add a person. If you have multiple siblings and are open to the idea, move someone else into your child’s room.  Even a baby can make them feel safer because lots of kids are just afraid of being alone when they wake up.  If the baby wakes the other child up a lot, it’s annoying but this can actually have a de-mystifying effect on nighttime… it seems like daytime, not so scary.  If you do not have  a sibling you can move in, consider reading in their room for 10 minutes while they try to fall asleep (don’t stay forever, though).  Then you can come in and visit them, kiss them, before you go to bed yourself.  We have found that our kids really enjoy these late night visits.  Sometimes they don’t even wake up, but sometimes they do and so they know Mommy and Daddy are still watching out for them at nighttime.  You can even put a picture of you and Daddy in their room, which is often very comforting.  Just your “presence” wards off the monsters.

6.  Evict all scary stuff out of their “diet.” I am so amazed at how little kids’ culture (even for 1-4yr olds!) is entrenched with fear elements–monsters, ghosts, witches.  Like it is supposed to be fun and healthy.  In reality, it is setting them up for bad dreams and fears because preschoolers may know (when they’re awake) that they are just pretend, but in the nighttime, that isn’t convincing.  And I promise you that they can’t be afraid about things they’ve never seen.  But how many kids can go through toddlerhood without being exposed to every kind of scary stuff?  And little kids are so visual—anything that looks scary on the screen or page can bother them.  This is attacking a sacred cow for some, but if your child is scared about something it is best to eliminate it even if it is inconvenient.  This includes favorite movies, shows, books, and characters.  Even the Halloween party, birthday clown, or visiting Santa if necessary.  A lot of moms and dads feel their kids need cultural icons, but I can promise you that taking even seemingly innocuous things out of my kids’ diet went a LOOOONG way towards keeping the bedtime fears low.  Now you can’t prevent a wild imagination (like trains through the window), but you can take out easy sources of fear: witches, dragons, ghosts, wizards, villains (even the beloved Nemo or Wall-E videos, who have scary elements), snakes, sharks, wolves, alligators, pirates, big fires, and “bad guys.”  Tons of kids shows have heroes with “bad guys” but if this is making your child insecure (i.e. they are having bad dreams), it might be worth taking it out for awhile.  Be protective.  Guard your child’s sensitivity.  They have lots of years in the future to enjoy media and make-believe.  Even if you think there is only a small chance that something is scaring your child, take it out until you are sure they can handle it.   There are plenty of friendly alternatives like Dora and Wonderpets to get addicted to =)

7.  Rehearse victory during the day. Have your child practice victory over their fears during the day.  This may include role-playing the superhero who can conquer ghosts and boogeymen.  Or it can include doing a room inspection (for your realists) and examining things that look scary in the dark.  Have them adjust things that seem creepy, like a hook on the wall or picture frame that casts a long shadow.  If your child has more phobic fears (i.e. non-imaginative, like the vacuum, trains, toilet), you can work on these during the day too.  But be aware that confronting their fears might cause worse bedtime experience.  Lots of kids’ nighttime experiences are related to their daytime experiences, even if the connection seems fuzzy.  But the more secure the child is during the day, the better that will translate over to nighttime.   It’s best not to rush it– it depends on whether you feel like confrontation will help your child or just make it worse.

8.  Examine other possible sources of stress. Again, children aren’t so linear that stress is contained… lifestyle stress can definitely be encouraging nighttime problems.  “Stress” for a toddler or preschooler is relative, though, so be sure to account for things which are objectively stressful (Mommy is struggling, Daddy lost his job, parents are fighting, etc) and subjectively stressful (child is having trouble toilet-training, preschool is difficult, he or she was forced to eat vegetables tonight).  By having an open mind and thinking about what a little child could be stressed about, you may be able to pinpoint strategies that will help reduce it… postpone the toilet, talk to the preschool teacher, skip the force feeding.  Some little children are very precocious and pick up on their parents’ stresses, so don’t be beyond having “adult” talk in private or putting on a happy face for awhile.  I am not saying to neglect your own health; I am saying that an astute 3-yr old can sense when things aren’t right.  A lot of times this precociousness shows in your preschooler asking big questions: “What happens when we die?”  “Are you going to go away, Mommy?” etc.  And watch the TV shows you are watching around your kids… even Oprah or the news can be causing illogical stress for a little one.  Sometimes they see or hear just one tiny bit which is disturbing.  Tape it and watch it later.

* *

Now these tips are just things for normal nighttime fears.  If your child has a bigger problem like night terrors or sleepwalking, consult a professional.  But the majority of things can be managed with a little patience and practicality!  Don’t let accommodations rule your life (i.e. moving the child back into your bed), but do make accommodations and worry about weaning off props later.  A year or two of sensitivity–especially during the ages of 3 and 4–will pay tremendous dividends.

Teaching Little Kids to Read

With all the hubbub out there about little kids reading, it’s hard to make sense of how/when you should start. Should you work hard to get them reading in preschool, or should you wait until they are ready? Should you use a workbook, a DVD series, or just keep sounding out their favorite story? All of a sudden, the most basic of academic skills has become a market and something requiring a special masters degree.

Plus, the pressure is on. Experts have made us afraid that if kids don’t have the reading edge by age 3 or 4 that they will be behind in school, they won’t love to learn, or they won’t get into the most elite schools. And, to make matters worse, it seems like everyone else is doing the right thing except you. The people who stress early reading (before age 5) have all kinds of supportive claims… Kids’ wiring for language begins early, kids’ appetite for knowledge will grow if they can read, it’s safer for kids to be able to read, it’s fun, it boosts IQ, it helps them become better writers. But an early reader is usually a sign that your child is a more visual learner, not a genius. And love of learning can be fostered in many ways, not just early reading. Usually the drive to teach very young children to read is a parent- or expert-directed pressure tactic. Plenty of average and late readers disprove the concerns. Reading early is wonderful and helpful, but if there is any correlation between early readers and Ivy League educations, it is probably the parental drive factor, not the Teaching Baby to Read videos.

On the other hand, there is a reactionary camp that advocates the hands-off approach when it comes to children reading. Waiting until the child is ready, or shows signs of readiness (“What does this say?”), is the prime factor. Some kids do well with this philosophy and pick up reading all on their own. But sometimes it takes until they are 10 years old! The good in this approach is that the child usually comes to love reading intrinsically because they were internally motivated and because the reading matter suited to older children was more exciting/informative. But not many parents or schools are content enough to wait until their child is 8 or 10. Reading is usually the essential skill being grown in the early grades.

So you really want a balanced approach: one that honors the research behind kids getting a good linguistic start in the early years and one that flexes for individual needs and styles. In my home, I have a 3, 4, and 5 year old who are all interested in reading, are at different stages in the game, and have three very different learning styles. Here is what I’ve gleaned so far…

STEP ONE: ABCs

Step one is learning the alphabet. With all the alphabet toys out there today, you can’t go wrong in picking one. Usually the most obnoxious toy is the one your child will love most. And even though that means you can’t be in the same room with it, it is the one that will teach your child the ABCs the best. Leap Pad makes a number of ABC toys, and so does Fisher Price. People argue over whether the traditional ABC song teaches anything, but just teach it anyway. Most one and two year olds love singing it, and it is good for them to have it in mind later when they need to know alphabetical order.

Be sure that when you teach ABCs, you do it both in both visual and auditory modes. Your child should be able to answer “A” when you ask, “What letter is this?” And she should be able to point to the “A” correctly out of other letters when you ask, “Where’s the A?” Also, you should drill with both capitals and lowercase. Lowercase is more important since most letters in sentences are lower, but try to pair “Aa” together whenever possible, such in those letter banners with pictures (i.e. an apple next to “Aa”).

Your child, if he is a visual learner, will probably pick up the ABCs before 2 years old. A doer or watcher may not pick it up until 3, and even then with some occasional errors. Visual learners pick them up faster because they are attuned to the fine physical differences in the printed letters; they are often more detail-oriented.

STEP TWO: Phonics

Step two is learning the sounds that each letter makes. When it comes to reading, it doesn’t matter so much that the child can tell you the letter name of “A” as much as they know that “A” says “aaaah.” Don’t worry that “A” can say a million different things depending on the word. Just teach the short vowels in the beginning because most three-letter words have the short vowel (and because just saying the letter “A” will later make them see that “A” can say “ay” too). There are a number of good phonics tools out there; our kids loved the Leap Pad video “The Letter Factory” the best. Get some letter magnets for your refrigerator and quiz them often. Write their names or different words and ask them, “which word starts with the “nnnn” sound?” Don’t be afraid to overemphasize alliteration, such as in Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers. Boys in particular love to be silly over the sounds of letters, and being overly emphatic about the sounds will help them drill because it’s funny =)

And be sure that when you teach the phonics, you do it in both visual and auditory modes. Your child should be able to answer “buh” when you show them a picture of B and ask, “What sound does this letter make?” And they should be able to answer “buh” when you ask them (without showing them a letter), what sound does “B” make? And they should be able to do the reverse… “What letter makes the “buh” sound?”

Eventually the goal will be to have them circle the letter “B” on a worksheet when they see a picture of a bucket. Or to be able to circle the bucket when the worksheet asks them to circle things that begin with “B.” Most preschool and kindergarten workbooks sold commercially have a lot of these exercises. With all the permutations, they are the most important exercises in the reading process.

Your child, if she is a visual learner, or verbally oriented, will probably pick up all the phonics between 3 and 4 years old. A doer or watcher may not pick it up until between 4 and 5 because they can’t understand how a visual mark “A” can make a SOUND (aaah). That is an irrational concept, even though it is easy and natural for verbal/visual people to make. So the best thing to do with a slow phonics learner is drill every day, just light-heartedly with common objects… “What thing in this room starts with “vvvv?” or “What letter makes the “vvvv” sound in my vvvvacuum?”

STEP THREE: Blending

Step three is teaching the child to blend phonics together, which is the trickiest part of the reading process. You might have a toddler who picked up both the ABCs and phonics quickly. But getting them to recognize that you can string the sounds together, such as “bah, beh, bih” and then “bat, bet, bit” is more difficult… probably because they have to slightly precipitate what letter comes not just first but second, in order to blend it into the first. Plus they have to get the mouth working with the thought. It’s a big step to look at the “b” in “ba” and see “bah” instead of just “bb” or “buh…aa…”

I have found that it is easy to start with a word like “no” in order to get this point across. “Up” also works, and you can contrast that with “cup” (and “no” with “not”) in order to show them the role of the different letters being added. Kids often learn “STOP” on the stop sign very early, as well as their names (unless they have a really long, complicated name). Just have them keep staring at these types of words and practicing until they get the revelation. When they get it, you’ll know! This is the point you really can’t force… they have to get it on their own.

A verbal child can pick this concept up between 4 and 5, which is why kindergarten is the normative time to start reading skills; auditory learners may pick it up even faster than visual learners. But non-verbal kids (especially kinesthetic learners) can take longer. Mainly because their brain does not pick up on the fine visual and auditory details of letter/sound decoding. They learn things more holistically and experientially, and they process out of their own experience (internally) rather than through pictures or noises coming to them (externally). These learners make up the minority of a preschool classroom (maybe less than 15%) so they are often misunderstood or marked as possible learning disabled, late blooming kids. But in reality they just need more exposure and experience to get the idea of combining sounds. It isn’t that they are less intelligent or even less language-saavy; they might be your brightest child and have a way with spoken language. But the heavy-duty visualness of the reading task makes more sense to a child who learns visually and less to a child who is a watcher or doer (you can’t easily “watch” or “do” letters). Give them time and try different types of letter games that are more hands on (play doh, stencils) or auditory (the BINGO song) to see if it triggers the revelation.

*Update: My third son learning to read has been a classic kinesthetic learner, and I have found the “Explode the Code” workbooks to be very helpful in teaching him how to blend.  Mostly because the workbooks progress very slowly and do tons of writing work with three letter words; the physical component of writing the letters while sounding them out helped him understand how two letters go together to make their own blended sound.  Not all kids are ready for handwriting at 3 or 4, but if they are (and you think it will  help), it’s worth trying.  With my son (he’s three and a half) I haven’t made a big deal about how bad (or big) his handwriting is.  Right now he’s having fun and starting to spell.  He’ll have a lot a more fine motor control when he’s five, as my other two boys did.

STEP FOUR: Reading

Once your child is blending phonics together, they are ready to start reading three-letter words. Don’t underestimate the power of memorizing words or word families, such as bad, bag, bat or sat, set, sit; the more practice they get seeing words, the more they will pick up reading. Try to pick words that are phonetically spelled, and don’t mix vowel sounds like “bad” and “bar”. Just keep it simple like Dr. Seuss and make your own lists with pencil and paper so they can see them (especially if they are visual learners). Hang them on their wall so they can see them while going to sleep and waking up.

Once they have three letter words, go to four letters and start teaching them complex phonemes like “-ck” and “sp-”. In my experience, silent -e words are a harder concept and should be saved for several months after they can read regular four letter words. But from this point on, with several months of practice, they can turn into real readers very quickly. My kindergartener took five years to learn how to blend (although he was an early ABC-er), but he went from a preschool reading level to at least a second grade level in just one summer once he was sounding out well. This was because he practiced reading (himself) every day. Once he started being able to self-correct as he was reading (“GOWNE? oh, GONE”), and use context clues to guess, he climbed the ladder quickly. There was very little pushing on our part, except encouraging him to try the longer words himself.

Also, in my opinion, there is no need to stick to primary readers once they are past blending three and four letter words together. My kindergartner went from Dick and Jane to Danny the Dinosaur to the Berenstain Bears in the course of about a year. And my other four year old started immediately with his nursery rhyme book (very difficult words in there if you think about it) because that’s what he really wanted to read.  We did Dick and Jane a little bit for about a year before he understood “ruh…uh…unnn” made “run.”  But he was really motivated by the challenge and subject matter of a couple higher-level books, so we let him be.  My third little boy, as I mentioned above, was very into writing and simple spelling words at age 3.  (But my four year old wasn’t able to handle handwriting until he turned five.)  Every child is different.  Use what works.  But I have noticed that all my little children still in the formative stages of reading–if they have an idea of what they are actually reading about–are often able to decode the words which bend the rules (i.e. “dickory”, “mind”, “train”).

I am not saying your child will become an avid reader at six, but the development of 5 to 6 year old is able to allow pretty good reading if they are able to master the basics of blending.

Conclusion:

Teaching your kids to read has become a highly controversial—and feared–subject. But there really isn’t anything to be scared about. You can do this! Generally, because 75% of preschoolers are visual and verbal, a child learns the basic rudiments of reading during his fourth year and the skill of it during his fifth. This is a good guideline, and you should use it to guide your own education in the home. But try to avoid the extreme positions of feeling like your child has to master reading by kindergarten or, conversely, writing off reading as only necessary when he feels ready himself. Forget the Baby Reading videos, even though it looks so cool. But don’t wait to teach phonics until your child loves books or tries to figure them out on their own—that might be the fifth grade! Get them immersed in language at an early age, and practice the ABCs and phonics by the time they are 3 and 4. When they are ready developmentally, between the ages of 4 and 6, you can start blending with them and expect their first “reading” to occur. There is a tremendous  difference between a four and a six year old, though, so while the pressure may be on from experts and schools, honor the individual needs and style of your home and child.

If the child is not reading by the end of first grade, or by age 7, it is probably a good idea to seek a tutor and expert opinion on what the problem might be. But don’t forget that there is always grace to cover any mistakes! If something isn’t working, stop for awhile and go back to it later. Maybe you’ll get a new idea to help it make sense. Maybe your child just needs some more time. Eventually, they will learn to read and that chapter of your life will be over. Then you can work on what they are reading, what they like, their comprehension skills, and how motivated they are.  Remember the early years are not a set-in-stone prediction of what will occur! They are important, not deterministic.   Of course everyone wants their kids to get things early, and there is certainly argument for continuity between early skills and later achievements. But there are also forceful and important arguments for discontinuity; there is room for mistakes and new strategies. So don’t doubt yourself. Just dive in and have fun.

One-on-One time with my Three Year old

A close friend who has a three year old and two babies recently asked me what she could do with her oldest. She is a fabulous mother and has years experience in daycare, so she is probably the picture of Mommyhood when it comes to care-taking. But perhaps she felt a little intimidated by her three year old who is growing so rapidly, getting so smart, but also needing one-on-one time with mommy now that he is sharing her with two other tiny brothers. What should she do with him when she has that alone time with him, other than read to him, to help him educationally?

Here are some things I mentioned that have been hits in my house. Some things are silly but you make do with what you have!

  • Making more complex structures with legos/blocks: fire stations, hotels, hospital, school, garages, airports. Talk about the specific looks and purposes of each building. If you want to make vehicles or have them already, talk about them too (how the fire engine is different than the police car and has a different siren sound.) Play with them using imagination and a simple skit when finished so they can practice.
  • Learn more complex shapes: octagons, pentagons, ovals, cones, cylinders. Once the basic triangle, square, circle have been mastered, little kids are ready for more shapes and it is good for their analytical skills.
  • Practice drawing. Little kids who don’t have much experience can work on triangles, circles, square/rectangles, as well as happy/sad faces and simple letters (x, o, v, t…). Once they master those basic things, add harder pictures either free hand (tree, house) or have them start dot to dots.
  • Start learning to color inside the lines, and talk about the black line being a “wall” that the color can’t get past. Put your hand on top of theirs to guide if they are not holding the crayon or making strokes right. Master colors if they aren’t already. Don’t be afraid to add less common colors (tan, turquoise) as well as teach the concepts of light and dark shades.
  • Get a Potato Head and master the parts of the body (not just mouth but lips, not just hand but fingers). Once Potato Head is old, draw a body map on paper (trace your child’s outline) and start filling in less common parts (elbow, ankle, wrist, eyebrow).If your three year old is really smart, or closer to 4, you can start explaining other concepts about your body like bones, muscles, skin, and basic processes (like when you eat, your belly inside gets full).
  • Pictionary. You draw, he guesses! (Use a portable Magna Doodle for ideal surface).
  • threading macaroni, stringing beads, sewing cards
  • Phonics, numbers, and animal flashcards. Don’t be afraid to get a complex set of animal cards… Most three year olds who watch TV already know quite a bunch already.
  • Dominoes. Just easy counting, matching, and it helps them solidify 1-6 visually in their heads.
  • Memory. (the board game).
  • Go over the different sports and equipment if he doesn’t already know from TV. Work on the different balls: baseball, soccer ball, football, basketball, golf ball, tennis ball… Most boys absolutely love this. especially if you have them in your home. If you don’t, draw pictures or point at different ones in a magazine. If they can start identifying what type of player from their uniforms, you’ve got a future ESPN master!
  • Play doh. Practice rolling, cutting, stamping, twisting, thumping, squeezing, and other fine motor skills. While it’s messy and annoying to keep fresh, the knowledge of textures (crunchy, crumbly, squishy, smooth…) and ability to work muscles make it one of the best hand exercisers ever for pre-kindergarteners. But you’ll want to supervise for awhile otherwise the constructive play disintegrates quickly. Also, you should do this over a hard floor because stamped pieces of play-doh are notoriously impossible to remove from carpet!

How to make a toddler schedule

toddler schedules?  Wasn’t having one for a baby enough?

Well yes and no.  All little children resist your getting things done!  You usually need a battle plan.  But a babies’ needs are primarily physical and are dictated internally by routine.  You need a schedule mainly to make sure they are eating and sleeping enough, and getting enough stimulation.  A toddler’s needs, on the other hand, are much more mature.  They are very emotional and social beings, with short attention spans and an inexhaustable need for activity.  Just like babies, they are learning, learning, learning, but on a whole new expressive plane.  If you aren’t careful, you can end up losing your mind as you simply react to their energy and interest levels!

For this reason, I made my toddlers little schedules that I could fall back on whenever it was cold or rainy and we couldn’t go out.  Or when I was sick, tired, depressed, or had vacation days with everyone home.  Sometimes I would put the schedules away for awhile, and then I’d bring one back out if the kids were particularly struggling with boredom or each other.  I’d rework it for their ages and interests, and for new ideas that I wanted to implement.  Perhaps I just didn’t have enough motivation personally, but I found that staying at home with little children often caused me tunnel vision.  Things would get out of balance and I could go months skipping things I really believed in (teaching, storytime, cooking…) just because I was in Survival Mode.  I had things which I rationally believed were important but required too much emotional energy in the moment to accomplish.  A schedule helped me stick to my guns about what I really wanted to accomplish each day because I knew I had thought about it beforehand and planned a way to get it in.

So that is step one in creating a toddler schedule: think about what activities you want in your toddler’s day.  Think about their individual needs in terms of energy, physicality, sleep, etc.  Work in your values for them, and consider their development—identify areas you want to spend special time on, and spaces to fit them in.  Plan in their meals and rest time(s).   And plan in your shower, the laundry, the dinner, or anything else you value but don’t seem to be able to get done regularly.  Do you need a fifteen minute coffeebreak after lunch?  A run before breakfast?  What about that bed-making which never happens?  Make a spot for it that fits the logical flow of your household.  And then fill in the rest of the time as specifically or generally as you want to.  Maybe you don’t need any strategy for 3 to 5pm because those hours shoot by.  Maybe that’s exactly where you want a step-by-step plan for what to do every 15 mins.  Maybe you don’t care if multiple siblings are running around the family room together in the morning.  Maybe you want to separate them and rotate their activities to keep the noise down.  It’s up to you.  The goal of the schedule to should be to aid you and your toddler towards the ideal Mommyhood vision you have, without controlling either you or them.  Like a baby schedule, it should serve you, not you serving it.  You’ll see the results in your toddler’s development and attitude if you’re doing it right.

So, here are some things that might fit into a normal toddler’s schedule:

  • breakfast, lunch, dinner
  • snacks
  • nap/rest time(s)
  • bathtime
  • storytime
  • playtime outside
  • playtime inside, free play
  • gross motor skills (stair-climbing)
  • fine motor skills (beads, spoon)
  • musical play
  • craft/art time (playdoh, crayons)
  • time with a sibling
  • one-on-one time with Dad
  • TV/video time
  • roomtime alone (ours always started with lots of toys, music on, for about 15-20 mins)
  • independent skill time (toileting, dressing)
  • chores or “Mommy’s Helper” time (laundry, kitchen, bed-making)
  • clean-up time
  • flashcards (letters, animals) or other educational one-on-one time

Once you have identified a list of activities you want in your toddler’s day, make a list of things you need to fit into your day, and any time restrictions:

  • 7:45am and 2:40pm- transporting kids to/from school
  • 30 mins dinner prep time
  • one laundry load per day
  • 15 minutes personal time (alone) two times a day
  • 15 minutes Husband/Couch time in the evening
  • 3:30-4:30- daughter’s piano lesson, waiting in car
  • kitchen clean-up twice per day
  • nap
  • shower
  • 30 mins of exercise
  • breadmaker/slow cooker checks

Once you have identified a list of activities for yourself, try and start putting the two lists together in a logical flow.  You may need to separate your child’s activities into two categories: those that require your participation, and those that are self-entertaining.  The goal is to get your toddler to do self-entertaining things at the times you need to focus on something else (like the cooking).  Many times, your toddler will want to be with you while you are doing what you’re doing, which is fine.  But make sure you give them something of their own to do while you’re working or your dresser drawers will likely be emptied by the time you’re done your shower!

You’ll also need to be flexible with your own activities, working them around your toddler as you probably learned to do when they were a baby.  A 30 min shower, dressing, and make-up time might not be feasible first thing in the morning… you may have to sacrifice 10 or 15 mins, or switch to an unorthodox time like the baby’s 10am nap.  But at least you’ll get it in.  I’ve caught so many of my mom friends showering at 4pm or going for a jog just before it gets dark =)  You’ll have more of a say when your child is older, I promise.

Schedules can continue into the preschool years if your kids haven’t become self-entertaining yet.  Three and Four year olds often love schedules as long as they have some control over them, so Choice Time (i.e. where they pick chalk on the easel or playdoh) is often very effective.  But make sure YOU choose both Choices beforehand so you know you’re ok with them ;-)   Most preschool teachers use a visual schedule, which is helpful for kids with delays or control problems.  You can spend no money and make some picture cards yourself, tack them onto a bulletin board or tape them on a wall.  Or you can spend some money on software that has similar pictures preschool classrooms use for “bathroom,” “snack,” etc.  Some public schools even allow you to make an appointment to use their software and laminating machine.  But that’s only necessary if you’re an ALL OUT stay at home mom ;-)

Sometimes the visual thing is good for Mom too.  Especially if you have multiple children.  I used to use Excel and print out a spreadsheet whenever I was having a new baby, so I could work in the long nursing times or quiet activities around the newborn’s naps.  My husband found this helpful too, when he was trying to help.  I also had a playdate schedule for the times my friend used to bring her two toddler boys over for a couple hours and I didn’t know how to entertain everybody.

Don’t forget to rotate the schedule as needs come up, the kids grow, their interests change, their attention spans develop, and you get new ideas.  Toddlers need shorter activities and sensitivity in mixing stimulating ones with quieter ones.  Preschoolers are more resilient and can be taught to stick with activities longer than toddlers, to clean up when they’re done, and to require less supervision.

Lastly, kids aren’t robots so sometimes it is better to have a schedule where you only have the sequence of things laid out, instead of exact times lined up.  That way, if the day starts later, the kids take longer eating, the weather changes, an errand comes up, a toy gets boring more quickly, etc., you aren’t thrown off.  Remember, let the schedule serve you, not you serve the schedule.

Waldorf Schools

So I have been exploring different preschool options for my sensory disordered son =)  Here’s the related information:

He’s smart, saavy, creative, verbal, emotionally intelligent and aware of his own needs.  He’s charming and silly, imaginative and obedient (when things are going well).  BUT… he is sensory sensitive, moody, motor delayed, shy, and shuts down quickly when he doesn’t like what’s going on.  (i.e. Tantrum!).  He’s going to be four in a month and has never been good in a group, except for his own siblings and the church nursery.  He is afraid of authority and challenge, and tends to be introspective instead of engaging in a group or direct instruction.  He’d rather sit out from Life =)

So I requested some information from a local Waldorf school, which I knew to be untraditional and encouraging of creativity, and here’s what I found out.

Waldorf schools are guided by a philosophy that encourages emotional and physical learning, along with the intellectual stuff they teach—”whole child” education, they call it.  In fact, they seem to downplay cognitive or academic skills, although I’m sure they would argue otherwise.  I think they believe in trying to get the child to want to learn on their own instead of providing them lots of early instruction… so they encourage reading/writing between grades 1 and 3 instead of preK-1.  During the early years, they just want to foster an imaginative environment, love of learning, and basic self-discipline skills.  Language arts is mainly for fun.  Math seems to go slower and has more of a philosophical bent instead of drilling lots of operations; they combine multiplication and division with addition and subtraction from the beginning.

There’s a heavy emphasis on nature, folklore, and arts.  They try to balance right- and left-brained activities, so they do a lot of gym, foreign language, visual art, dance, and music (i.e. singing, recorder, etc).  They also do eurhythmics—a fancy way of saying rhythmic gymnastics which tries to combine music with movement so the ear, eye, mind, and body work together in gaining a music education.  And a typical Waldorf school will be proud of the science and nature activities they weave into the curriculum: nature walks, zoo trips, garden projects, seed experiments, community experiences, etc.  They want to foster an intrinsic love of nature and action in a child, so they try to get them out of the classroom or at least make it less artificial.

Other untraditional things include assigning children a class and teacher that they stay with throughout their time at the school: teachers and students stay together, grow together like a family, and are forced to find ways of relating since they can’t get rid of each other!  I don’t know, but I think this would be one of the most challenging rules… as both teacher and student!  And also I worry that this would be a little restrictive since reflecting on my own education tells me that changing teachers and friends was insecuring at times but prepared me for life… learning to adapt to different people and their rules, make new friends, etc.  I am sure, however, that there are benefits to not having this added adjustment, especially for sensitive children.

They also don’t give grades.

So what are we to make of this interesting philosophy?

While I don’t endorse the roots of Waldorf belief, my gut feeling is that it is very similar to a classical homeschooling experience like Charlotte Mason.  Obviously it is a secular school, so they aren’t going to teach Christianity.  But the overall experience from the child’s perspective is probably a lot like homeschool: hands-on activities, relationship with teacher and students (that is unchanging!), individual attention, no grades, moving at one’s own pace, stimulating love of learning, slower or less rigorous drill and rote work, time for field trips and unstructured learning time, permits creative learning/assignments, integrates special talents into the school day (i.e. dance, music, etc).

Waldorf schooling is sometimes seen as an elite route because it is expensive and comes from higher German philosophy… read about Rudolf Steiner if you want more info.  But Waldorf values are evidently seen in public preschools and kindergartens (i.e. “Kindergarten” comes from similar higher German philosophy), and so the question for Americans today is probably not IF they subscribe to Waldorf values, but for HOW LONG they do… eventually most parents trade the organic, humanistic, childlikeness of preschool for the rigors of higher academic education (including sitting for long hours at desks, reading long textbooks, and listening to lectures).  This is just the way of secondary education, and honestly, most adult jobs.  So the question is when you want your children to make that switch.  When they’re ready?  When they hit puberty?  When they are 3rd grade?  1st?

And another related question is, when should rigorous academic instruction take priority over intrinsic, child-directed learning?  Some children, especially more artistic or sensitive ones, may do well with the instrinsic motivation model until they graduate.  But others may really need more formal, extrinsic motivation that traditional models provide.  Plus, many early childhood experts agree that children should be encouraged to read, write, compute, and use computers as soon as they are developmentally able… not after their imagination or intrinsic love of learning has taken root.  Some children are never motivated intrinsically!  Or are motivated too late for their academic skills to take root firmly.  In other words, it is a chicken-and-egg phenomenon: both intrinsic and extrinsic motivation should work together, not push the other out.

In conclusion, I found the Waldorf school philosophy interesting and not as offensive as I once thought it was, when I was an Education student.  At the time, it seemed too loose and academically lite.  But now that I have a sensitive, artistic, and imaginative child, I see it has its niche.  And it is not altogether out of the mainstream when I consider the philosophy of the toddler, preschool, and kindergarten years which seem to produce a lot of fruit for a child.

So chieck it out if you think your child fits the bill.  It was a pleasant surprise.

Children’s Classics

Ok, I’m not going to reinvent the wheel here because I know there are A THOUSAND places you can go to get good kids’ books lists.  But I’m going to put some here just for posterity.  These are books that are worth adding to edify your little children’s library for all-time.  It doesn’t include some of the staples, but it does include books that I have read personally and consider either good literature or good education.

First Books  

  • Spot
  • Very Hungry Caterpillar
  • The Snowy Day
  • Goodnight Moon
  • Guess how Much I Love You?
  • Pat the bunny
  • Hello Bee (Sassy)
  • Curdoroy

Preschool Books

  • Curious George
  • Ferdinand
  •  Make Way for Ducklings
  • One Fine Day
  • Blueberries for Sal
  • We’re Going on a Bear Hunt
  • Harry the Dirty Dog
  • Little Bear
  • Bedtime for Frances
  • The Velveteen Rabbit
  • The Story of Babar
  • Caps for Sale
  • What would you do with a Kangaroo?
  • Frog and Toad
  • If you give a Mouse a Cookie
  • Are You My Mother?
  • Madeleine
  • Jesse Bear, What Will you Wear?
  • Tikki Tikki Tembo
  • The Carrot Seed
  • Harold and the Purple Crayon
  • The Little Engine that Could
  • Chicka Chicka Boom Boom
  • Two Little Trains Going West
  • Angus Lost
  • Katy-No Pocket
  • Prayer for a Child
  • The Big Green Pocketbook
  • Ask Mr. Bear
  • The ABC Bunny
  • Play With Me
  • Stone Soup
  • Dr. Seuss
  • Judy Dunn books (“The Little Puppy,” “The Little Kitten” etc)

PreK/Kindergarten Books (Harder/Longer)

  • Mike Mulligan  and His Steam Shovel
  • The Little House
  • The Tales of Peter Rabbit
  • Paddington Bear
  • The Complete Tales of Winnie the Pooh
  • My Little Golden Books

Preschool/Kindergarten Homeschool Curriculums

As a potential homeschooler, I have looked into several Christian curricula for preschoolers/kindergarten.  It seems like there is so little emphasis on the early years!  Mostly because people are afraid you’ll get kids into a stodgy, authoritarian regime if you want a curriculum for your three year old =)  They are afraid you’ll start worrying about transcripts and get locked into one company versus another until 12th grade.

But I find that a small program provides enough structure for an hour or so of education, which helps your kids have a more constructive day.  Use it a little, use it a lot.  But at least you have some ideas.

There are so many big names out there with varying philosophical persuasions that I didn’t know what to think at first. I have a Masters in Christian education so I am not a beginner at evaluating a curriculum.  But weighing philosophies is mainly important from a long-term perspective, not homeschooling at the youngest ages.  At this time, the actual tasks and themes—letters, numbers, shapes, colors, animals, etc—are the most important parts of learning, and almost all curricula have the same or substantial overlap.  They just vary (a lot) in presentation.

So I will include some remarks here.  This year I am doing my 3, 4, and 5 year olds for an hour or two a day, and have used a variety of different companies along with my own made up workpages.

(I know about other curricula from friends, research, and marketing, but the following list is only about materials I have actually held in my own hands, in my own home, and read. I will add on as I get more experience.)

*

Interlock (Weaver)- Good for theological types.  Traditional, theme-based.

Weaver is a Christian curriculum, and the Interlock program is recommended for preschool/kindergarten.  It is a big binder with a lot of lesson plans in it, arranged chronologically, easy to use.  I found, after spending time with it, that it is ok for younger kids but a 5 or 6 year old could really get more out of it than younger ages.  They have units with great concepts (God is our Father, God’s Son is Jesus), but a kindergarten child will understand more than a preschooler, for whom concrete lessons (about Creation, for example) are usually easier.  It has some great activities suggested so that kids can apply the theological truth they’re learning.  But it is a little light on the academics… It should be supplemented with a regular phonics or reading program.

Before Five in A Row/Five In A Row- Good for art/literature lovers.  Leans Charlotte Mason.

If you are a fan of the Charlotte Mason approach, this might be a good fit for you.  BFIAR/FIAR are small paperback manuals, not expensive.  Janie Lambert takes the learning through literature tactic (like Great Books or Sonlight), and makes a unit study around several great children’s books.  You buy the books yourself and use her guide for ideas in art, science, math, etc.  It says it is made for 2-5 year olds, but I think it is best for 3 and 4 year olds.  And only verbal ones… don’t try to do this with a 3 year old boy who isn’t talking yet.

I liked it but it wasn’t for me.  I ended up getting most of the library she recommends, though, and using it for storytimes through the ages she suggested.

Writing Road to Reading (Spaulding Method)- combines learning to read/write.  Leans Classical.

This curriculum is a popular one in private schools especially.  It has a good philosophical ring, but I’m not sure if it’s better than the traditional way of teaching reading.  It basically stresses the integration of learning phonics and writing letters so that children connect the sound of letters heard (“puh”) with the sound of letters chosen  (“the p!”) with the symbol of the letter written (p).  It definitely takes some major thinking, although of course all aspects of the brain eventually need to get involved to hear, spell, and write.  I am not sure whether it is better all at once though, especially if your child is ready to read but not ready to write.  There is definitely a difference.  They recommend it for young ages, but I wouldn’t do it with younger than 5.  They also emphasize the importance of posture, positioning, and teacher directiveness from the very beginning.  I didn’t find it as compelling as I had heard that it was, initially.

Bob Jones University- basic worktext approach.  Traditional, skill-based.

Ok, I’m biased here.  My first child used this in K4 and it was awesome.  He was a visual child, not very good with language, and he learned to both read and write in one year with this program.  And add and subtract.  The format is kind of boring, and some people are totally against workbooks.  But it really broke the concepts of phonics and math down to the 4yr old mind, by exercising just one specific concept each day.  Obviously, it is a Christian program.  But I think the skills practiced are neutral.

Principle Approach (Noah Plan)- good for philosophical types.  Leans Classical.

The Noah Plan for kindergarten—they don’t have preschool—is best geared for those who think they might like the classical approach to homeschooling.  And it is unabashedly Protestant, evangelical, and pro-American so you’ll hate it if you are progressive.  They utilize the Writing Road to Reading, although you could substitute with another program if you wanted, and they start kids on classic literature like fairy tales, Aesops fables, and stories of American heroes (i.e. Patrick Henry).

The entire approach is a little too metacognitive for kids, I think, although it appeals to intellectual grown-ups and has a cult-like following in the best sense of the word.  Some of the most amazing large, homeschooling families I know have used the Principle Approach effectively.  It takes a lot of effort to use it to its potential, though, and is sort of anti-craziness that home with little children often creates.  There are no worktexts, and I found the worktext approach easier to use myself and also easier on the kids’ attention span abilities.  If I had a feeling that i had a super genius, however, I might be open.  I once worked with two teachers whose school used this program, and I think it would create a super Christian school (but perhaps harder for homeschooling).

Cait’s Curriculum (CD-ROM)- reproducible workpages

I got this CD-Rom because it was geared for 2-4 year olds, and because I wanted to be able to print numerous copies of workpages… not just have a worktext that could be used once.  It was expensive but had a lot of good stuff in it about letters, animals, basics.  It was definitely for ages 2-4, first-time preschoolers.  Nowadays you can get downloadable workpages, and that is probably better than a CD-ROM.

Rod and Staff- old-fashioned worktexts.  Traditional, skill-based.

If you want ONLY the basics on your workbooks and no flash, and you’re ok with old school Christian values, Rod and Staff is for you.  It has some worktexts that are really good for 3 and 4 year olds who have never had any school before.  They start from the very beginning and were good for my kids with verbal/motor delays.  They have no supplemental materials like contemporary workbook programs… no charts or cartoons and songs that go with the lessons.  They are slow, old-fashioned, and CHEAP worktexts that are based on single concepts.  Amish/Mennonite orientation, very little instruction on how to use, but cover phonics, math, eye-hand coordination, cutting, pasting, coloring, and Bible (if you want it).  Mostly drill approach and parental supervision required with the philosophy of getting the child to work independently as much as possible (like most workbook approaches).

K-4 Topics

My oldest son is in a kindergarten class for four-year olds. Here are a list of topics he’s been doing so far…

September-October

  • Firemen
  • Policemen, Mailmen, Statesman
  • Doctors/Dentist (brushing)
  • Builders, Construction, blueprints and floorplans
  • Autumn
  • Food, baking
  • Kings, queens, castles and dragons
  • Baseball and Football

November

  • Thanksgiving

Concepts, concepts, concepts

After my son started going to preschool, I looked for some good workbooks to do at home over the summer with him.   Unfortunately, there weren’t any.  There were lots of books about shapes, colors, counting, reading… but none about “stuff.”  I realized why my home efforts to teach him had been stalled.  He had learned all that basic preschool information, which as a new mom scanning my environment, I had learned was important.  But he hadn’t learned concepts at all.

Then I went to a friend’s house and she showed me a workbook that her grandfather had sent to her from France, for her little three year old.  Amazed, I saw page after page about concepts: in front, in back, above, beneath, inside, outside, bigger, smaller, some/many/all/none, less, more…  I was shocked!  Small, easy lessons about normal “stuff”!!  Why don’t they make these types of things here in America?

I went back to the bookstore, looking for it to prove me wrong.  I was disappointed.  Tons of academic skills, still no “stuff,” no concepts.  These are the types of things kids really need to know, much more than their ABCs and 123s.  I am not saying that those things aren’t important, but there is no way they are as relevant to normal social and linguistic interaction as prepositions, adjectives, adverbs, etc.  These things: fast, slow, quickly, stopped, busy, waiting… these are all the things we try to communicate to our toddlers and preschoolers every day.  They may naturally pick these things up, or not, but to some degree, they could all use explicit teaching.  Most could use a lesson on how to “Give your brother some of that playdoh!”

A Homeschooling Preschool Schedule

Thinking about preschooling at home?

Good for you! When my son’s auditory processing problems made sending him to the public preschool the most promising option, I was heartbroken. I so wanted to homeschool him and never put him in the public schools because those were my personal convictions. However, I had one other little toddler at the time and a newborn on the way, so I knew I wouldn’t be able to give my oldest the attention he needed. Plus, he was just not thriving at home. I was not a special ed teacher, so I was not reaching him with the tools he needed.

However! I saved his preschool notes and programs throughout his first semester there, and if I could do things over, I would definitely have tried to preschool him first. Even with his special needs. I think I was originally scared I couldn’t succeed, but then I saw that what they were doing with him was not so amazing that I couldn’t have at least tried it here in the home first. If that hadn’t worked, then I could have sent him to the school. But if it had worked, I would have saved myself a lot of heartbreak over the negative character training he received and the overall influence of the state/public school system in my home.

So, here are some notes for you!

Here was the schedule: 8:30-11:30am every day. The bus came at 7:45am, and he got home at 12:15pm, so it was effectively quite a long day for a preschooler! But a nice break for me =) If I were doing this schedule today, maybe I would find some supervised chores for my preschooler to do between 7:45 and 8:30am, and then some quiet time from 11:30-12:15pm. That way, I would have maximized his schedule each day. That’s up to you.

8:30-8:45 Free Play
8:45-9:00 Circle Time
9:00-9:15 Small Group
9:15-9:30 CD time
9:30-9:40 Bathroom
9:40-10:00 Playground/Big Room
10:00-10:15 Snack Time
10:15-10:30 Art Time
10:30-10:40 Story time
10:40-11:00 Choice Time
11:00-11:20 Music Time
11:20-11:30 Dismissal (Clean-up/Goodbyes)

More Preschool Topics

The second year in preschool, my son had the following topics:

  • Fall: apples
  • Fall: nuts and squirrels
  • Fall: autumn and leaves
  • Fall: pumpkins
  • Fall: farms and animals
  • Winter: snow and snowmen
  • Winter: gloves and mittens
  • Winter: gingerbread
  • Winter: Patriots (football)
  • Spring: Red Sox (baseball)
  • Spring: sports

I am missing some others, but you get the idea!

Preschool Topics

For the first semester in preschool, my son had the following units:

  • Winter: Penguins
  • Winter: Clothing
  • Winter: Snowmen and Snowflakes
  • Shapes
  • Shapes: Letters
  • Shapes: Transportation Vehicles
  • All about Me: My Body
  • All about Me: My family
  • All about Me: Emotions
  • Spring: Flowers and Planting
  • Spring: Bugs and Flowers
  • Summer: Beach and the Ocean
  • Summer: Picnics

I am missing some others, but you get the idea!