The Autistic Child (NOT)

Does this describe your child?

  • 2.5-3.5yrs old
  • probably male, probably firstborn
  • delayed language; doesn’t put words together yet
  • doesn’t use Yes/No correctly– can cry/temper tantrum easily
  • doesn’t call for help
  • doesn’t use Mommy/Daddy/own name well
  • very detail-oriented
  • walks on tiptoes
  • walks in circles, sometimes jabbering to self or no-one
  • spins car wheels, pokes blocks off, or otherwise repetitive play behavior
  • repeats your questions/statements
  • repeats sounds or scripts ad nauseum
  • easily distracted
  • bad eye contact
  • can’t answer comprehension questions
  • no gestures or pointing
  • few independent skills
  • doesn’t understand taking turns or people skills well
  • won’t drink milk, eat fruit, etc.
  • constipated all the time
  • difficult sleeper

Congratulations!  You have a fine, well-adjusted NON-AUTISTIC child!  No, I mean it.  Your child is likely a finicky, driven, bored and distracted little boy.  He doesn’t care about language, isn’t able to pick it up easily, and is therefore a tough cookie who is behind in some areas that he wouldn’t be if he had better language skills.  But for now, you have to suffer in the world of preschool, playgrounds, and other life adventures that really do require more English and social skills than your child has.  And guess what?  This is totally normal!  Stop worrying that he is on THE SPECTRUM because life doesn’t seem to fit his developmental timetable, and just hang in there until he’s 5.  Get a lot of structure and routine that works for you, adopt a rigid discipline ethic if necessary, and have faith that once the language kicks in, he will make up for lost time pretty much right away.  His behavior will also become less erratic.

How about this child?

  • 1-4 yrs old
  • picky eater
  • messy, clumsy, can’t dress self well
  • cries easily
  • strange phobias– water, vacuum, dirt
  • anxious behavior
  • taps or scratches self, has repetitive stimulatory behaviors (i.e. may still suck thumb, fidget with socks, etc)
  • seems lost in a group, or plays alone
  • deep, focused play skills; strange attention at times
  • doesn’t like to engage others
  • avoids conflict, checks out
  • can talk but doesn’t initiate or sustain conversation; people might not even know how well they speak
  • may speak to privileged individuals, in-depth about their favorite subject/question
  • unusual talents, or way ahead in an adult area
  • retreats to specific activities; self-soothing repetitive play
  • takes things apart to study
  • handles toys or household objects in peculiar (non-functional) ways
  • sensitive to smells, sounds, touch
  • “freak out” or “shut down” behavior
  • low muscle tone
  • allergies or inadequate nutrition

Congratulations!  You too have a sensitive, fearful, NON-AUTISTIC child!   Most people would like to diagnose your little guy with Asberger’s or Autism Spectrum, but more likely you have a misunderstood, sensory-sensitive little person.  This profile is less commonly complained about than the very first profile I outlined, but it definitely represents a portion of toddlers who are very quickly seen as at-risk for autism and usually packed right off to a specialist for a neuropsychological exam.  Whereas the first  profile I listed above is likely to see the child put in special preschool, perhaps with an ADD-type medication, this second profile is more likely to be medicated for childhood depression, anxiety, OCD, or reactive detachment disorder.  But kids come in all colors!  There is no need to panic because your little person isn’t the extraverted, sensible preschooler.  He/She may be an “old soul” or grumpy type who doesn’t fit in with the flashy world around them.  He/She probably needs a little extra nurture and coddling, as well as some occupational therapy or one-on-one play/floortime with a loved one.  Resist THE SPECTRUM curse!

** Note: Of course I am not against true autism diagnosis.  And I am not against checking out whatever symptoms worry you about your child.  I am just making light of the fact that “normal” is a wide range, and MUCH wider than we are told it is.  Usually we are told to worry, from experts, parents, or friends, because of the developmental scare climate out there.  Yet there is no reason to push the Panic Button just because your toddler or preschooler has some delayed or anti-social behavior.  Attention and special education might be necessary…as it always has been, in the case of small children who have individual tendencies and weaknesses.  But usually these are things you can do on your own or with limited intervention.  There is no need to put small children under a microscope and ship them off for multiple diagnoses so they can receive services from the state until they’re 21 because we’re afraid they’re all high-functioning autistic.**

How about this?

Does Your Boy Develop Unevenly?

After hundreds of comments from moms dealing with their speech-delayed boys who walk on tiptoes or have other such idiosyncrasies, it occurred to me to write another post on the boy/autism thing.  This time, with a focus on the developmental timetable.

I have another post on how boys develop differently than girls, but to recap an important point: boys often do not follow the timetables.  In fact, they are spotty.  They grow unevenly.  At times, they will hit the developmental mark right on the money.  Other times, they will be way off.  And often, they will have some abilities way ahead for their age—while at the same time, they will have glaring weaknesses way behind for their age.

For example, when my firstborn son was 2 going on 3, he could do 100 piece puzzles from memory.  No box, no pausing.  Just snap, snap, piece after piece together.  Like a robot actually.  He even found out, by doing the puzzles on top of each other, that some of them used the same template!  For a toddler who didn’t talk yet or even say “Mommy” or “Daddy,” this was strange to us. Then when combined with some of his habits like walking on tiptoe, spinning and crashing cars (but not really playing with them), memorizing long scripts from video, repeating himself, and not pointing or gesturing, we started realizing he had some of the autism signs.

In fact, when we read down the lists of symptoms, he had lots of them.  He had language delays, some social and emotional issues, and some of the sensory signs.  He seemed to have no imagination or interest in crayons or action figures.  But he seemed way ahead in spatial skills, knew all his letters and numbers etc., had great focus, loved to be cuddled, and generally seemed bright and charming.  His motor skills were great, and any non-verbal tests he got, he passed with flying colors.  Or things that needed one-word answers he could do.  He was way ahead in some cognitive areas and way behind in others.

Then my second son came along and was the mirror image of my firstborn.  Extremely verbal, very early, artistic and creative, but way behind in motor skills.  Emotionally unstable and very anxious, he had almost all the sensory problems common to autistic children, including choking issues, hatred of socks and tags, inability to cross the midline, and freaking out sometimes.  He didn’t bond well to others (except Mom) and couldn’t do puzzles or visual tracking activities.  So even though he was talking, imaginative, and sociable enough in his own way, HE was all over the charts.  And thus possibly autistic.

Then my third boy came along.  You know the story by now.  He hit some milestones right on time (i.e. walking), hit some way early (i.e. sentences by 19months old), and some way behind (i.e. toileting issues until his fourth birthday).  And he had some strange issues (i.e. severe fear of water).  By this time, however, we had trashed the charts.  We figured he was fine!  He didn’t have to love everything 3 year olds loved, he didn’t have to talk like 3 year olds talked, and he didn’t have to fit in some “autistic Spectrum” bucket because he had some emotional immaturity. And now that he’s nearly five, we’re SURE he’s not autistic!  (or any of our other boys either).

So this is my encouragement to you if your boys are geniuses at some things but embarrassingly behind at other things.  Do you know that book, “Men are Like Waffles and Women are Like Spaghetti”?    That book effectively describes how my little boys think.  Their brains are like waffles, with separate compartments for each kind of skill or knowledge.  They can dive in real deep within any one box, but the knowledge doesn’t seem to transfer over into other boxes or compartments.  The connections aren’t there, and there isn’t much infrastructure to help them build up their weaknesses. So they grow very unevenly.  It can be worrisome for a time because their strengths get stronger but their weaknesses seem to get weaker, especially when you start comparing them to other kids.  3 year olds tend to be the most diverse.  Sometimes therapy doesn’t even seem to make a difference, at least not right away.  Little boys just plunge ahead with their strengths (what they naturally get) and prefer to stay there, enjoying it and totally oblivious to your concerns that they aren’t “normal” all around.

Consequently it is now no longer surprising to me that my six year old son currently can take apart radios and electric circuits, but doesn’t understand that if he stands close to the stairs, he might fall down them.  My almost 5 year old son can talk to me about heaven and dying, and what he wants to be when he grows up, but still hates even the tiniest drop of water on him or will change his underwear or socks if they get a speck of dirt on them.  My seven year old son currently can pass second and third grade English and Math tests, on paper, but has a five year old’s vocabulary, says “What?” a lot, and uses awkward phrases all the time.  They are just not even developers.  Some things way ahead and some things behind.  Some normal habits and some strange idiosyncrasies.

In comparison to my girl, who is precocious socially and emotionally, and has met every deadline on time, there is just no similarity.  My conclusion: It’s ok for boys to be uneven and worrisome.  That’s just often how it goes.

Play Therapy

What is play therapy, and how do I do it?

If your child is on THE SPECTRUM or delayed in other ways, you’ve probably heard of “play therapy” by now.  Play therapy became popular in the 80s and 90s as professionals found out that getting down on the carpet with their autistic-type 2yr olds, and engaging them, actually made progress.  You’d think this would be obvious, but it wasn’t something that the professional community had necessarily thought of before—at least, not given at regular doses like “therapy.”  Before that, professionals were… well, professional.  They sat in chairs and had nice offices with toys, but they administered tests, tried verbal exercises, and had children do activities mostly in chairs and desks.  Not exactly the comfort and freedom a child is used to.

Early Intervention is essentially “play therapy,” often mixed with speech therapy.  A trained special ed person comes to your house and plays with your little guy for about an hour.  She has a bag of toys with her and knows what’s she’s doing, but it is essentially play to engage your child with his or her weaknesses right where s/he’s most comfortable… on the living room carpet. Genius, right!

Well, the good news is you can do play therapy yourself too.  If you suspect your child is having developmental problems, if you know they do, or if they don’t but you’re just looking for some more educational time with them, play therapy is a great option.

For the bible on the subject, check out Stanley Greenspan’s book (http://www.amazon.com/Engaging-Autism-Floortime-Approach-Communicate/dp/0738210943/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1250945781&sr=1-1 ).   But if you don’t have time for that kind of thing, here’s basically what you need to do. (For ages 0-5).

1) Pick a space and time to do it.  Mostly for you so you’ll stick with it, but also because the routine will minister to your child if they are hostile to the idea at first.  Most kids love one-on-one time, but some don’t!   Make sure it’s a nice comfortable place with space to play.  Also make sure it’s not a naturally grumpy time for your child.

2) Set aside some special toys for the time. You don’t have to spend a fortune at Toys R Us, but do consider getting some things that will make the playtime special and familiar.   And imaginative since that is usually an area most playtime kids have trouble with.  Sometimes this means just some props that you think of using a dozen different ways (i.e. a paper towel tube).  Sometimes this is a favorite toy that a child will love going back to (i.e. a little Bob the Builder set or Dora figures).   There is merit in some of those toy companies like Imaginarium and Alex that make educational toys for kids, but use your own judgment.  (Try not to pick anything too complicated or messy, which will discourage you or your child from wanting to do it again!)

Also, check out a book like Jane Oberlander’s “Slow and Steady, Get Me Ready” (http://www.amazon.com/Slow-Steady-Get-Me-Ready/dp/159160236X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1250945678&sr=8-1 ) Her book is based on daily different activities you can do with ordinary household items.  You can incorporate a couple of these into your routine and change them out as necessary.  Love it, love it.

3)  Start with about 10 minutes for a reluctant child and work up to about an hour.  Start a couple times per week (i.e. MWF) and work up to every day (or even twice a day) depending on the severity of your child’s diagnosis.  Think of it like little doses of preschool.  It is the concentrated attention regularly that constitutes “therapy” just like at a real therapist’s office.

4)  Ok, just start playing with your child. Bring out one toy and set them in front of it, to see what they’ll do.  This is child-guided play where you facilitate.  Don’t jump in with your whole script and ideas.  You’re “peering” here.  And you’re building off what your child does.

It helps to have some goals in mind before you start, so know whether your focus is going to be physical, emotional/social, imaginative, language, memory, etc.  Your child may have a combination of goals, but try to target no more than two in a session.  When your child gets frustrated with a toy or can’t use it, then try another.  Don’t go through your props like you’re trying to please the child’s whims, but don’t exasperate them either.  You’re going to eventually spend time with everything you’ve got, so do some stretching.

5)  Engage their attention. Play therapy is especially good for children with social, emotional, attention, and empathy problems.  They may not recognize or want you there in their space, and that’s fine.  That’s part of the therapy.  What you want to do is engage them, or sometimes gently confront them, especially if they are autism spectrum.  If they jump their little horse up and down, you jump yours up and down near them.  If they get stuck spinning wheels, you crash your little car into them (gently) saying “Vroom vroom!”  Try to get them out of their world and into yours.  If they’re verbal but hostile to you, or turn away, aim for the gentle but stubborn approach.  It helps to do this in a room where you can close the door so they can’t run away.  Make sure you hide other toys too, so they can focus on you and the props you have chosen.

6) Use toys vicariously, to get them to verbalize their experience. If they don’t talk, this might be one of your main goals: to get them to “talk” with their pieces. There are some ways to play with toys if your child is having trouble with language or imagination that I have listed in other posts on speech.  This is the first level of play therapy, to get them to be verbal. (i.e. please keep in mind that age-appropriate speech varies widely, and you shouldn’t be making speech a huge goal if your child is under two.)

The second level of play therapy occurs when your child becomes (or is already) verbal.  Now you want to use their toys as “counselors” or “mouthpieces.”  Don’t talk to them directly, use your piece.  Get them to talk back with their piece.  Kids will tell you all kinds of things if you let them talk through their pieces, about all kinds of things that upset them.  You can also teach all kinds of things through your pieces that they wouldn’t listen to you, their mom, about.  Now the playtime isn’t a teaching time, it’s an understanding time.  But a good therapist DOES use toy “mouthpieces” therapeutically, say to discuss the toilet or a source of a bad dream, etc.  Use your imagination.  Keep it pretend and in the realm of playing a game.   And if you’re going to teach or talk about something, stick to one theme per session so the child doesn’t feel lectured.

Hooray!  You’re a play therapist!

“Your son might be Autistic… or he’s just a boy.”

http://www.childrenshospital.org/dream/summer09/arresting_autism.html

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26184891/#30009205

Does anyone else think this kind of thing is a tragedy?  These kind of clips embody what’s wrong in the world about autism right now.  Now just FYI, my children and I actually took part in this exact study mentioned here in the videos (i.e. the Infant Sibling Project in Boston.)  So I am not speaking flippantly.  I have experience with this field, with the kinds of experiments done, and even some of these researchers now.  I also have a child with whom I was sucked into this autism scare tactic before I knew better.

*

I have written a lot of posts which touch on this subject so I’m not going to repeat myself much here.  But I am just fuming these days over the mothers in these clips who feel better now that their oldest boys have a diagnosis.  There is a reason why those maxims that “he’s just a boy” or “he’ll outgrow it” are true.  Because it’ true.  There’s a whole crop of children out there (many of whom are eldest boys) who grow up with these delays and social awkwardness.  The symptoms are real.  The delays are real.  But labeling them all autistic is inaccurate.  Mothers are now being torn apart by, yet strangely taking comfort in, this diagnosis.  Maybe because now the confusion is gone, the fears are validated, and there is an action plan?  But the stigma is now on the child and it will take about six years of weirdness to outgrow.  That is, IF all the years of therapy, IEPs, and parental weirdness doesn’t fulfill the prophecy.

After going through this myself with my oldest, I still get upset when mother after mother who tells me the story of their preschool pathologizing their little boys.  “He’s developmentally delayed,”  “He’s socially awkward,”  “He’s not communicating,” “He’s not following directions.”  “Maybe he’s PDD-NOS.”  Except for the diagnosis of Oppositionally Defiant Disorder, there is probably nothing which irritates me more than all these little boys being put on THE SPECTRUM (the autism spectrum that is).

Now don’t get me wrong.  I am not against preschools, I am not against early intervention, I am not against special ed, and I am not against autism research.  I have a classically autistic cousin.  I’ve seen it, and I’ve seen how much the special education sector has helped her.  They’ve given her a quality of life she probably wouldn’t have had otherwise.  So I am not against more attention being given to autism and autism-like disorders.  I think this is awesome.

What I AM against is the constant confusion of gender with autism.  And I bet if I knew more girls having the problem, I would broaden my position (I just don’t know of many yet).  It is simply the case that many boys have the tendency to develop later, more awkwardly, less socially, less verbally, less imaginatively.  This does not put them on THE SPECTRUM.  It makes it important to teach boys these things.  It makes gender and birth order more important than the personality icons they currently are.

First of all, there is a cultural schizophrenia going on in our culture about boys.  On one hand, gender doesn’t matter and girls and boys are put together in the same daycare, preschool, and kindergarten classrooms like they’re all the same.  But on the other hand, boys will be boys and people treat girls and boys accordingly.  Expecting a little girl to fold her hands and sit quietly, for example (many don’t).  Or expecting boys to be wild and ill-mannered (many are not).  It isn’t just the difference between professionals and playground moms… both attitudes often come from the same people.  Boys make moms throw up their hands in irritation as they make silly faces, get into things, and generally act as though they’re in their own social universe.  So we reinforce boyhood stereotypes sometimes… but we don’t usually TREAT boys differently than girls.  In our egalitarian society, that’s not kosher.  (The same kind of argument can be made for girls, for that matter).  We may harbor more resentment toward boys—studies have shown that teachers and strangers tend to elicit more positive responses from girls—which is totally unhealthy of course.  But we still throw them in the same classrooms and have the same developmental timelines.

I think this is ridiculous.  First of all, boys and girls seem to have very different experiences of life, even as children.  Some of the stereotypes exist for a reason.  In my house, the boys generally respond to action and consequences–my daughter responds to words.  The boys are motivated by something to do, the girl is motivated by someone to be with.  The boys like things that do something cool, my girl likes things that are cute or pretty, or fit a certain function.  The boys always want to know why, or do things better if they understand why; my girl could care less. My boys are more innocent–charming, sweet, inclusive.  My girl is pickier, shyer of strangers and men, and more skeptical of what you want her to do.  My boys don’t tend to deduce things very well—they need things explained logically, step by step, and they won’t fill in blanks if they don’t know the answer (i.e. if I say a word they don’t know, they have no idea what I’m talking about; if I tell them something is in the dresser but it’s actually under it, they won’t look or notice).  My girl takes more time, liberty, and pretty much deduces exactly what I’m talking about, even if I’m using new vocabulary.  She hardly ever asks what something means.  My boys process one thing at a time, individualistically, and very much in context.  My girl processes multiple things, in relationship, through words and can generalize to different contexts naturally. She is the only one of the four (she is 2.5 yrs old, and my oldest son is almost 7 now) who will correct what I’m saying if I don’t guess right the first time (i.e. “not squish, Mom… smush“).  The distinctions come earlier.

So boys definitely process things differently than girls.  It is partly a matter of brain activity, which shows that boys use the non-verbal side of their brains more than girls (who use the verbal).  And that boys develop prefrontal cortex activity later than girls, who use more of their brains earlier.  Some differences are hormonal too, although not much is usually said about pre-pubescent hormones to state definitively.  But in my opinion, from comparing my three boys to my one girl, the main thing I see is that my girl demands attention.  There is no way of getting around her because she’s in my face all the time, talking, bouncing, sharing.  My boys have the tendency to be underfoot, for sure, but they tend to be less sure or confrontational about what they need… I have to notice myself and initiate.  (i.e. sometimes my oldest needs more hugs but he’d never realize that himself or solicit it).

Actually this last example is interesting because I have noticed that my little girl has had more talking and touching in her first two years than my boys probably had in theirs.  Not because I favored her but because she’s always here talking to me, trying to talk to me, trying to look in my eyes and get her to notice her, move her, get her something, etc.  My boys had the normal amount of touching when they were babies of course, but did not elicit the same talking and touching needs as my girl… so I probably did not give it to them.  I am speaking in generalities of course, but to this day I wonder what would have happened if I gave my boys the same talking and touching that my daughter has received (because she demands it).  My oldest might still have had language trouble, and my second might have had sensory problems, but I bet they would have been less severe.  I bet I would have overrun their personal boundaries to fix it—in comparison to the kind of uncertain, reticent posture I had when I was first figuring out how to discern and confront my little boys’ weaknesses.  My daughter has taught me that her overrunning my personal boundaries makes sure she got the stimulation she needed.  Because my boys didn’t approach me in that way, and I did not approach them that way, they may have suffered… at least a little.

I think it continues past the age of three too, since girls tend to be more relational, social, verbal.  This ensures they continue to get the attention and practice they need to engender more skills in these areas.  Boys are often off and away from people at 4, 5, 6… they’re careening around the playground and playing swordsmen, etc.  They aren’t usually interacting with mom about what kind of pretty butterfly they saw and how they need some lemonade.  And do we think they should?  Do we counteract that?  Of course not… we usually reinforce what is natural to them.  But then should we be surprised at the different results?  I am speaking again in generalities of course, but just to make the point: nature plays a role, and then nurture nurtures the nature =)

So I think more research on gender needs to make its way into the mainstream.  I am sure there are all kinds of gender-based studies which have been done that do NOT point to androgynous developmental charts.  But because we can’t segregate our classrooms or playgrounds (nor I am advocating that), there is little point in popularizing this line of thought.  But in the meantime, when experts tell you that your preschool boy is language delayed, socially awkward, or possible on THE SPECTRUM, remind yourself that he could be autistic… or he could just be a boy.

Reading/Spelling Toys & Workbooks (ages 2-6)

Recently I had a relative drill me on what kinds of educational toys we give our kids.  She has been trying to get her four year old to play independently and to read.  So I went through a lot of what we had, and I thought I’d post some lists out here just for fun.  Here’s the reading/spelling list—maybe it will spur your own imagination.

It’s a blend of visual, auditory, and kinesthetic activities since we’ve had one of each =)

Reading/Spelling Skills

  • Boggle Jr. (spells three and four letter words)
  • Melissa and Doug wood word spellers

http://www.amazon.com/Melissa-Doug-2940-See-Spell/dp/B0007Y4DLG/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=toys-and-games&qid=1247063805&sr=8-1

  • Letter tiles (or you can use Scrabble tiles)

http://www.amazon.com/LETTER-TILES-UPPER-LOWER-176/dp/B000FA6DXS/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=office-products&qid=1247063905&sr=8-1

http://www.amazon.com/Ready-Letters-Playful-Uppercase-Lowercase/dp/B0007WXIOG/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=office-products&qid=1247067160&sr=8-1

  • Build a Word or other Phonics tiles

http://www.amazon.com/Build-a-Word-Phonics-Kit/dp/B000NWGP4U/ref=sr_1_10?ie=UTF8&s=toys-and-games&qid=1247064023&sr=8-10

  • Letter beads or blocks (string a word or stack your name)
  • Sight word magnets or word blocks for building sentences

http://www.amazon.com/READING-RODS-SENTENCE-BUILD-156/dp/B000F8T9OU/ref=pd_sbs_t_4

  • Leap Pad sound magnets for the refrigerator

http://www.amazon.com/LeapFrog-Fridge-Phonics-Magnetic-Alphabet/dp/B000096QNK/ref=pd_sxp_grid_i_2_2

  • “The Talking Letter Factory” (Leappad DVD)
  • “The Talking Word Factory” (Leappad DVD)
  • “The Storybook Factory” (Leappad DVD)
  • Rock N Learn “Phonics” DVD, “Letter Sounds” DVD
  • Sesame Street “Sing the Alphabet” CD
  • Readers: All our kids learned to read with the “Dick & Jane” series first, then Dr. Seuss (“Hop on Pop” first). We’ve used other readers intermittently, but these were the tried and true.

http://www.amazon.com/Storybook-Treasury-Dick-Jane-Friends/dp/0448433400/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1247069068&sr=8-1

  • Phonic matching cards (“Q” with a picture of a queen)
  • Uppercase/lowercase matching puzzles

http://www.amazon.com/Fun%252dto%252dKnow-Uppercase-Lowercase-Alphabet-Puzzles/dp/B000NNQU76/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=toys-and-games&qid=1247067160&sr=8-3

  • Phonics flashcards (Panda on one side, P on the other)
  • Spelling flashcards (B + U + S  makes a picture of a bus)

http://www.amazon.com/Three-Letter-Words-Puzzle-Cards/dp/0887432778/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1247064171&sr=8-1

  • Alphabet puzzles of different kinds (wood, foam–try a floor puzzle for gross motor types)

http://www.amazon.com/Uppercase-We-Sell-Mats-Puzzle-Each/dp/B0012YMWO0/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=toys-and-games&qid=1247065115&sr=8-3

  • Create-your-own puzzles with kids names on them (cardboard puzzle templates found at art/craft stores)

http://www.amazon.com/BLANK-PUZZLES-RECTANGLE-12-PK/dp/B002EAL7JW/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=toys-and-games&qid=1247066415&sr=1-1

  • prelined paper practice (kindergarten spaced) tracing or freehand

http://www.amazon.com/Pacon-DNEALIAN-RULED-PADS-KINDERGARTEN/dp/B001D67CUG/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=toys-and-games&qid=1247066465&sr=1-2

  • wipe-off markerboard or placemat with letters, numbers, and words

http://www.amazon.com/Learning-Resources-Write-Wipe-off-Handwriting/dp/B0018LWY2M/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&s=toys-and-games&qid=1247066613&sr=1-5

  • Chalkboard or whiteboard (kids love the different mediums! or try driveway chalk for even more fun)

http://www.amazon.com/American-Plastic-Toys-12800-Easel/dp/B001KLCRD6/ref=sr_1_24?ie=UTF8&s=toys-and-games&qid=1247066756&sr=1-24

  • Magnet letters/phonics/words, or building rods

http://www.eaieducation.com/103475.html

  • Salt tray (for tracing letters and numbers in)
  • make letters/words out of playdoh or legos (kinesthetic learners love this)
  • signs or placemats in plain view

http://www.amazon.com/Uppercase-Lowercase-Alphabet-Teach-Me-Mats/dp/0769648797/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1247066986&sr=1-3

At different points we had alphabet toys from Leappad and other brands, but we ended up giving them away because they got old too quickly or we couldn’t stand the noises/songs anymore.

Workbooks

  • Explode the Code workbook series (A, B, C; 1, 1.5; secular).  These help teach phonics and reading three to four-letter words.  It is the best for thinking skills that I’ve seen.

http://www.christianbook.com/get-ready-code-book/nancy-hall/9780838817803/pd/17807?event=1016EX|928696|1016

  • Kumon workbook series (i.e Writing Words, Rhyming Words).  These help teach writing and spelling small words. Reading the words occurs in the process.

http://www.amazon.com/Book-Rhyming-Words-Kumon-Workbooks/dp/4774307610/ref=pd_sim_b_1

  • BJU Beginnings Worktext for K5 workbook (Christian).  This one taught two of my boys to read when we started before the fifth birthday and used it for several months.  However, you can’t use it with a child that does not write at all.  Some minor handwriting skills are needed.  So if you have a fine-motor challenged child, stick with readers or kinesthetic activities for another year.

http://www.christianbook.com/k5-beginnings-student-worktext-3rd-edition/9781591668916/pd/260059?event=1016BJU|1184610|60219

Some kids aren’t the workbook type, but if you give them one-on-one time with yourself at their elbow, it is pretty easy to get most kids to do a couple pages a day.  Start with just one, around age 3 or 3.5, and work up.

Also, lots of workbooks are out there which you can pick up at the Walmart, Costco, Barnes and Noble, or grocery store (Schaeffer, Modern Curriculum Press, Comprehensive Curriculum, Educational Teaching Press…).   Those are obviously fine.  The workbooks I listed above are actually academically approved ones which I used with multiple children because they were so good.

My Child is Three–should she be reading yet?

If you didn’t catch the sarcasm in this title, this post is for you!

I don’t mean this to be rude—it’s just that with the advent of Baby Reading videos and the cutthroat path of getting your kid accepted to kindergarten, parents start worrying that Johnny and Jane aren’t reading WAY too early these days.  And I don’t say this because I don’t believe in teaching little kids to read… all of my posts on reading should tell you that.  But I say this because I now have six-, five-, and almost four-year old in the house (all boys) and they are at very different stages in the educational arena.  A six year old is not a five year old, is not a four year old.   So everyone who is running around trying to get their four year old to be “kindergarten ready” may not fully appreciate the nuances.

I myself used to think that there were more commonalities between four- five- and six-year olds.  I certainly knew they were different ages but I thought the early ages of 0, 1, 2, and 3 were more distinct.  I think this was probably reinforced by the idea of “early education” or “early child development” which usually refers to the ages 3 and under.  You see dramatic differences in your child, especially physically and verbally, from 0-3, but then once kids reach the age of four, they start to even out.  Most are talking and running around the playground pretty equally with kindergarten kids, so you start to think they’re the same.  Then when your kindergarten neighbor boasts that she can read “Blueberries for Sal” all by herself, you think, “Eek!  Jane is still not blending two sounds together!”  And you start to worry.

Stop worrying!

I am going to tell you the real truth here.  The thing no-one seems to be telling you these days is that four-years old IS the time of learning to blend.  As long as your three-year old knows all her letters and sounds by her fourth birthday, you are on track.  A four year old should be able to start fooling around with worksheets that utilize letter sound activities in different ways: initial consonants, ending consonants, short vowel sounds in the middle, etc.   He or she will probably recognize her name and some common three-letter words.  She may be able to spell three letter words verbally if you are emphatic—”spell WET.  WWEhhT.”  He may sound out three-letter words on the page with help but not on his own yet.  This is totally normal.  So is being able to read a word in one book (i.e. “help”) but not the same word in another book.  This is probably because the brain is still encoding what “help” really looks like.  Or the font is different enough to throw the child off.  So patience during this fourth year is the key.  The ability to blend the sounds together develops some time during this fourth year so that by the time the child reaches their fifth birthday, they will probably be reading three letter words all on their own if you just keep doing what you’re doing.  And if they are not, another six months (5.5yrs) will probably yield a Dr. Seuss reader (three to five-letter phonetic words all at once).

If you are still doubtful, consider why kindergarten magically begins at age 5.  Kids seem ready for it way before, right?  Part of the reason why kindergarten begins at age 5 is because age 5 is the normal time for kids to learn to read on their own.  And if a child is five-and-a-half before he enters kindergarten, he is actually at an advantage… the four-and-a-half year old who is sad because her birthday doesn’t make the cutoff will actually grow a significant amount in just one more year.  A handful of two and three year olds can read before they turn four, but that is uncommon.  Don’t take that as your guideline, even with all the pressure to do so.

At four years old, your child should also be developing SOME writing abilities.  Now when I say “some,” this is relative.  Some four year olds are very detail-oriented with fine motor talents.  They can write uppercase and lowercase letters pretty well.  Other four year olds are still using the salt tray to trace big capitals with their pointer finger.  This is still ok.  Or they may be able to draw a huge “A” with chalk but not on paper.  With practice, this should change around the fifth birthday–a five year old should be writing his letters on paper even though the size and spacing is probably all off and some letters will be reversed on occasion.  Remember the handwriting in Winnie-the-Pooh?  Where “WOL” is scratched over Owl’s doorpost?  That is the kind of handwriting your five-year-old will probably have for awhile.  Handwriting develops a lot in the fourth and fifth year.

S o just keep practicing.  What you’re really looking for is “correct” handwriting by the sixth birthday.  If your child enters first grade still not being able to print the letters right (and print on the line, with spacing, etc), he or she will be just slightly behind.  A six year old’s handwriting will still need work, though.  Penmanship (manuscript) should begin in the fifth year and continue onto the sixth to make sure that your child is forming the letters correctly.  Until this is mastered, hopefully by age seven, they are not ready for cursive (typically around 8 yrs old).  While there is not as much pressure for kids to write as early as they read, the pressure is still there—with cursive instruction sometimes being pushed in first or second grade.  In the old days, seven and eight year olds were still practicing proper pencil grip, paper position, and penstrokes in mid-air.  And the handwriting benefited.  So don’t succumb to perfect writing Nazis too early either.

**Note: So many people have asked me about Teaching Your Baby to Read videos.  While I don’t discourage them directly (anything educational for babies is fine), I don’t believe in them either.  I have never seen a baby reading—no point anyway since they can’t talk about it.  So I don’t think the results of baby videos are real reading.  Nor do I think they are healthy to expect.  Not only should babies be developing other things rather than reading during the infant stage, parents shouldn’t have hyper-educational expectations that early.  The one on one interaction time is great, the memory and sight-recognition is great.  But until I see a baby reading Dr. Seuss, I remain highly certain that real reading should and will take place sometime between four and six years old regardless of baby videos.

Teaching Little Kids to Read

With all the hubbub out there about little kids reading, it’s hard to make sense of how/when you should start. Should you work hard to get them reading in preschool, or should you wait until they are ready? Should you use a workbook, a DVD series, or just keep sounding out their favorite story? All of a sudden, the most basic of academic skills has become a market and something requiring a special masters degree.

Plus, the pressure is on. Experts have made us afraid that if kids don’t have the reading edge by age 3 or 4 that they will be behind in school, they won’t love to learn, or they won’t get into the most elite schools. And, to make matters worse, it seems like everyone else is doing the right thing except you. The people who stress early reading (before age 5) have all kinds of supportive claims… Kids’ wiring for language begins early, kids’ appetite for knowledge will grow if they can read, it’s safer for kids to be able to read, it’s fun, it boosts IQ, it helps them become better writers. But an early reader is usually a sign that your child is a more visual learner, not a genius. And love of learning can be fostered in many ways, not just early reading. Usually the drive to teach very young children to read is a parent- or expert-directed pressure tactic. Plenty of average and late readers disprove the concerns. Reading early is wonderful and helpful, but if there is any correlation between early readers and Ivy League educations, it is probably the parental drive factor, not the Teaching Baby to Read videos.

On the other hand, there is a reactionary camp that advocates the hands-off approach when it comes to children reading. Waiting until the child is ready, or shows signs of readiness (“What does this say?”), is the prime factor. Some kids do well with this philosophy and pick up reading all on their own. But sometimes it takes until they are 10 years old! The good in this approach is that the child usually comes to love reading intrinsically because they were internally motivated and because the reading matter suited to older children was more exciting/informative. But not many parents or schools are content enough to wait until their child is 8 or 10. Reading is usually the essential skill being grown in the early grades.

So you really want a balanced approach: one that honors the research behind kids getting a good linguistic start in the early years and one that flexes for individual needs and styles. In my home, I have a 3, 4, and 5 year old who are all interested in reading, are at different stages in the game, and have three very different learning styles. Here is what I’ve gleaned so far…

STEP ONE: ABCs

Step one is learning the alphabet. With all the alphabet toys out there today, you can’t go wrong in picking one. Usually the most obnoxious toy is the one your child will love most. And even though that means you can’t be in the same room with it, it is the one that will teach your child the ABCs the best. Leap Pad makes a number of ABC toys, and so does Fisher Price. People argue over whether the traditional ABC song teaches anything, but just teach it anyway. Most one and two year olds love singing it, and it is good for them to have it in mind later when they need to know alphabetical order.

Be sure that when you teach ABCs, you do it both in both visual and auditory modes. Your child should be able to answer “A” when you ask, “What letter is this?” And she should be able to point to the “A” correctly out of other letters when you ask, “Where’s the A?” Also, you should drill with both capitals and lowercase. Lowercase is more important since most letters in sentences are lower, but try to pair “Aa” together whenever possible, such in those letter banners with pictures (i.e. an apple next to “Aa”).

Your child, if he is a visual learner, will probably pick up the ABCs before 2 years old. A doer or watcher may not pick it up until 3, and even then with some occasional errors. Visual learners pick them up faster because they are attuned to the fine physical differences in the printed letters; they are often more detail-oriented.

STEP TWO: Phonics

Step two is learning the sounds that each letter makes. When it comes to reading, it doesn’t matter so much that the child can tell you the letter name of “A” as much as they know that “A” says “aaaah.” Don’t worry that “A” can say a million different things depending on the word. Just teach the short vowels in the beginning because most three-letter words have the short vowel (and because just saying the letter “A” will later make them see that “A” can say “ay” too). There are a number of good phonics tools out there; our kids loved the Leap Pad video “The Letter Factory” the best. Get some letter magnets for your refrigerator and quiz them often. Write their names or different words and ask them, “which word starts with the “nnnn” sound?” Don’t be afraid to overemphasize alliteration, such as in Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers. Boys in particular love to be silly over the sounds of letters, and being overly emphatic about the sounds will help them drill because it’s funny =)

And be sure that when you teach the phonics, you do it in both visual and auditory modes. Your child should be able to answer “buh” when you show them a picture of B and ask, “What sound does this letter make?” And they should be able to answer “buh” when you ask them (without showing them a letter), what sound does “B” make? And they should be able to do the reverse… “What letter makes the “buh” sound?”

Eventually the goal will be to have them circle the letter “B” on a worksheet when they see a picture of a bucket. Or to be able to circle the bucket when the worksheet asks them to circle things that begin with “B.” Most preschool and kindergarten workbooks sold commercially have a lot of these exercises. With all the permutations, they are the most important exercises in the reading process.

Your child, if she is a visual learner, or verbally oriented, will probably pick up all the phonics between 3 and 4 years old. A doer or watcher may not pick it up until between 4 and 5 because they can’t understand how a visual mark “A” can make a SOUND (aaah). That is an irrational concept, even though it is easy and natural for verbal/visual people to make. So the best thing to do with a slow phonics learner is drill every day, just light-heartedly with common objects… “What thing in this room starts with “vvvv?” or “What letter makes the “vvvv” sound in my vvvvacuum?”

STEP THREE: Blending

Step three is teaching the child to blend phonics together, which is the trickiest part of the reading process. You might have a toddler who picked up both the ABCs and phonics quickly. But getting them to recognize that you can string the sounds together, such as “bah, beh, bih” and then “bat, bet, bit” is more difficult… probably because they have to slightly precipitate what letter comes not just first but second, in order to blend it into the first. Plus they have to get the mouth working with the thought. It’s a big step to look at the “b” in “ba” and see “bah” instead of just “bb” or “buh…aa…”

I have found that it is easy to start with a word like “no” in order to get this point across. “Up” also works, and you can contrast that with “cup” (and “no” with “not”) in order to show them the role of the different letters being added. Kids often learn “STOP” on the stop sign very early, as well as their names (unless they have a really long, complicated name). Just have them keep staring at these types of words and practicing until they get the revelation. When they get it, you’ll know! This is the point you really can’t force… they have to get it on their own.

A verbal child can pick this concept up between 4 and 5, which is why kindergarten is the normative time to start reading skills; auditory learners may pick it up even faster than visual learners. But non-verbal kids (especially kinesthetic learners) can take longer. Mainly because their brain does not pick up on the fine visual and auditory details of letter/sound decoding. They learn things more holistically and experientially, and they process out of their own experience (internally) rather than through pictures or noises coming to them (externally). These learners make up the minority of a preschool classroom (maybe less than 15%) so they are often misunderstood or marked as possible learning disabled, late blooming kids. But in reality they just need more exposure and experience to get the idea of combining sounds. It isn’t that they are less intelligent or even less language-saavy; they might be your brightest child and have a way with spoken language. But the heavy-duty visualness of the reading task makes more sense to a child who learns visually and less to a child who is a watcher or doer (you can’t easily “watch” or “do” letters). Give them time and try different types of letter games that are more hands on (play doh, stencils) or auditory (the BINGO song) to see if it triggers the revelation.

*Update: My third son learning to read has been a classic kinesthetic learner, and I have found the “Explode the Code” workbooks to be very helpful in teaching him how to blend.  Mostly because the workbooks progress very slowly and do tons of writing work with three letter words; the physical component of writing the letters while sounding them out helped him understand how two letters go together to make their own blended sound.  Not all kids are ready for handwriting at 3 or 4, but if they are (and you think it will  help), it’s worth trying.  With my son (he’s three and a half) I haven’t made a big deal about how bad (or big) his handwriting is.  Right now he’s having fun and starting to spell.  He’ll have a lot a more fine motor control when he’s five, as my other two boys did.

STEP FOUR: Reading

Once your child is blending phonics together, they are ready to start reading three-letter words. Don’t underestimate the power of memorizing words or word families, such as bad, bag, bat or sat, set, sit; the more practice they get seeing words, the more they will pick up reading. Try to pick words that are phonetically spelled, and don’t mix vowel sounds like “bad” and “bar”. Just keep it simple like Dr. Seuss and make your own lists with pencil and paper so they can see them (especially if they are visual learners). Hang them on their wall so they can see them while going to sleep and waking up.

Once they have three letter words, go to four letters and start teaching them complex phonemes like “-ck” and “sp-”. In my experience, silent -e words are a harder concept and should be saved for several months after they can read regular four letter words. But from this point on, with several months of practice, they can turn into real readers very quickly. My kindergartener took five years to learn how to blend (although he was an early ABC-er), but he went from a preschool reading level to at least a second grade level in just one summer once he was sounding out well. This was because he practiced reading (himself) every day. Once he started being able to self-correct as he was reading (“GOWNE? oh, GONE”), and use context clues to guess, he climbed the ladder quickly. There was very little pushing on our part, except encouraging him to try the longer words himself.

Also, in my opinion, there is no need to stick to primary readers once they are past blending three and four letter words together. My kindergartner went from Dick and Jane to Danny the Dinosaur to the Berenstain Bears in the course of about a year. And my other four year old started immediately with his nursery rhyme book (very difficult words in there if you think about it) because that’s what he really wanted to read.  We did Dick and Jane a little bit for about a year before he understood “ruh…uh…unnn” made “run.”  But he was really motivated by the challenge and subject matter of a couple higher-level books, so we let him be.  My third little boy, as I mentioned above, was very into writing and simple spelling words at age 3.  (But my four year old wasn’t able to handle handwriting until he turned five.)  Every child is different.  Use what works.  But I have noticed that all my little children still in the formative stages of reading–if they have an idea of what they are actually reading about–are often able to decode the words which bend the rules (i.e. “dickory”, “mind”, “train”).

I am not saying your child will become an avid reader at six, but the development of 5 to 6 year old is able to allow pretty good reading if they are able to master the basics of blending.

Conclusion:

Teaching your kids to read has become a highly controversial—and feared–subject. But there really isn’t anything to be scared about. You can do this! Generally, because 75% of preschoolers are visual and verbal, a child learns the basic rudiments of reading during his fourth year and the skill of it during his fifth. This is a good guideline, and you should use it to guide your own education in the home. But try to avoid the extreme positions of feeling like your child has to master reading by kindergarten or, conversely, writing off reading as only necessary when he feels ready himself. Forget the Baby Reading videos, even though it looks so cool. But don’t wait to teach phonics until your child loves books or tries to figure them out on their own—that might be the fifth grade! Get them immersed in language at an early age, and practice the ABCs and phonics by the time they are 3 and 4. When they are ready developmentally, between the ages of 4 and 6, you can start blending with them and expect their first “reading” to occur. There is a tremendous  difference between a four and a six year old, though, so while the pressure may be on from experts and schools, honor the individual needs and style of your home and child.

If the child is not reading by the end of first grade, or by age 7, it is probably a good idea to seek a tutor and expert opinion on what the problem might be. But don’t forget that there is always grace to cover any mistakes! If something isn’t working, stop for awhile and go back to it later. Maybe you’ll get a new idea to help it make sense. Maybe your child just needs some more time. Eventually, they will learn to read and that chapter of your life will be over. Then you can work on what they are reading, what they like, their comprehension skills, and how motivated they are.  Remember the early years are not a set-in-stone prediction of what will occur! They are important, not deterministic.   Of course everyone wants their kids to get things early, and there is certainly argument for continuity between early skills and later achievements. But there are also forceful and important arguments for discontinuity; there is room for mistakes and new strategies. So don’t doubt yourself. Just dive in and have fun.

Auditory Processing in a Four/Five-year old

I’ve written elsewhere about my struggle to identify my oldest son’s auditory processing disorder when he was a toddler. Now that he’s been through five semesters of preschool, he has made much progress. He has, in fact, progressed so much that most people can’t tell there is anything wrong! We put him in a mainstream private school this year and his teachers, who have no experience with special needs, can’t even tell. But we at home still know and work with him profusely. For those of you with older preschoolers wondering, here are some things we still notice:

  • Still repeats me or himself a lot. (“C and K make the same sounds, Mom, right? C! cuh, cuh, cuh. K! kuh, kuh. They make the same sounds. They’re the same. Aren’t they the same, Mom? You hear how they’re the same?”) He might run a script like this even though I acknowledge him, and from day to day as if he forgot he said it before and I heard him.
  • Still describes a lot. Whereas my other preschooler’s vocabulary is more purposeful, my almost 5-year old still labels what he or others are doing. Or what he sees and hears. (“You’re holding your book, Mom?” or “Oh hear the airplane? It’s an airplane! NEERRAaWWW. I hear the airplane. You hear the airplane too, David. Mom, David hears the airplane.”)
  • Still has trouble with explanations, especially moral ones. Doesn’t understand abstract talks about hurting other’s feelings, being good when he’s away from home, or other concepts that don’t immediately conjure up a picture. Stares through us a lot if we can’t show him what we mean.
  • Mishears. The other day I said, “Let’s have chicken again” to Daddy and he said, “We’re gonna mix it again?” Even with clarification he couldn’t get it. Or realize that what he was saying had no context at the lunch table. Or realize that I hadn’t been talking to him but Daddy.
  • Cannot reformulate requests well. When I ask him to tell Daddy something for me, he often needs an exact formulation and will repeat it exactly. He can make up something similar or take liberty in his speech, but not very often.
  • Does not introduce new words, formulations, or applications very much. He mostly learns from memorizing things he’s heard before, which after five years is a lot of things. But unlike my two or three year old, I don’t hear him saying new words or formulations at his own will. He is not master of his vocabulary yet.
  • Hangs onto old talking habits. He still gets down from the table and comes to find me to say “I’m all done” like he did when he was two. He’ll travel all over the house to find me, just to tell me. When I tell him he doesn’t have to do it anymore, he doesn’t change it—not sure if this is because he doesn’t understand my instruction or he does but can’t internalize it. Other elementary skills we taught him like this pervade.
  • Still has trouble distinguishing who I’m talking to, when he needs to answer, when he doesn’t need to answer, when I can’t hear him because it’s noisy or I’m too far away, when he should/shouldn’t interrupt, when his sibling hears but just isn’t answering (perhaps because he said something that does not necessitate an answer, like “I’m coloring now.”). He doesn’t “read” verbal cues very well through my face, gestures, or social context.
  • Needs acknowledgment all the time in order to stop repeating (i.e. “I hear you,” “ok,” “yes,” etc).

Noticing these things has become easier since his two younger brothers don’t have those problems, or at least not to the same degree. Also, as our oldest has gotten older, the problem has crystallized whereas his strengths have gotten stronger—so the “holes” in his education show more, in a sense. We are no longer worried that he has autism, Asperger’s, or low I.Q. as we did when he was two and the behavior was so confusing. He has now left the formative stages of development enough to see where problems have gone and stayed. The bad news is that he doesn’t seem to have gained the essential skill of discriminating syllables that he hears, so that many sentences don’t make sense.  I think he hears words as all run together, instead of as individual words, so he makes up things to fit what he thinks he heard.  But the good news is, he’s onto the problem and so are we!  The good news is that for auditory processing kids, that they make much progress and can leave a large chapter of their delayed history behind. Hooray!

Just for posterity, here are a list of verbal things he can now DO!

  • pronoun incorporation and reversal (I, me, you, us, we, etc)
  • at least some past and future tense
  • difference between boys, girls; using his/her
  • use of intermediary words like “have” “to” “suddenly”
  • understanding of sequence words (now, later, soon, next time)
  • relay a message, recall a response
  • tell what did/didn’t happen in good detail
  • ask for help
  • ask what something means, or just “what?” if mishearing
  • carry out more complicated instructions
  • narrate the steps to something well while reasoning (i.e. how to tell time, how to tie a shoe)
  • is no longer dependent on visual schedules or cues
  • is no longer repetitive in his play, behaviors, or habits

Teaching Gender

It is not uncommon for a child to have trouble with gender words–he, she, his, her, etc.–for quite some time. My three and a half year old is almost getting it, but not my two year old. And my almost-five year old has it, I think completely, and he was linguistically challenged.

So I would say that some time between the third and fourth year is common for the gender thing to click, but allow a little longer without worry.

The first step in mastering gender word confusion is getting “girl” and “boy” down pat. If a child is remotely fuzzy on recognizing boys and girls, they’re not ready for “he” and “she.” So start with magazines and flip pages, asking your preschooler “Boy or girl?” Keep it simple: don’t do “man,” “lady,” “baby,” etc… just gender. Magazines are good because you get different ages, ethnicities, contexts, contortions, and facial expressions (which, believe it or not, can really affect recognition). You also get different sizes which can also really affect their recognition.

Note: While it is fine for preschoolers to know “real” differences between girls and boys, like private parts or having babies, this won’t help in their everyday recognition =) Facial and superficial recognition is what you need to master gender words. So go with the old politically incorrect helpers like: girls have long hair, pink, dolls, flowers, dresses; boys have short hair, blue, tools, bikes, etc. Whatever will help your child visually and quickly assign people to one category or the other. As they age, you can work off this foundation to alter perceptions as necessary. If you’re sensitive to this, try to think big picture. At 3 and 4, you aren’t giving them political advice. You are trying to hone their abilities to get information from some features of a picture and exclude others (i.e. skin type, wearing glasses, etc. tell you nothing about gender).

Once they get boy/girl down correctly from pictures, practice with real people to make sure. There are often fewer signs in real life than in a picture. They’ll probably enjoy repeating that Daddy is a boy and Mommy is a girl. If they’re having trouble with gender discrimination, you can also make a big deal about “boy” things like going to a barber or “girl” things like wearing nail polish…again, for education not politics. You want them to learn that there are gender “cues” in life, which supply information and help for things like recognizing what bathroom to use or what part of the clothing department you’re in.

When you’re reasonably sure they’ve got boy/girl, you can move to he/she. Often times a child says whatever pronoun they’ve heard most—either he or she—for both genders. As you teach them that boys are a “he” and girls are a “she,” they may switch and call everyone by the other pronoun. That’s ok. They’re just working it into their vocabulary. Just keep practicing and correcting as they make mistakes. “Is Sara a girl or a boy?… Girl, that’s right. So is she a “he or a “she”?… “She,” that’s right.” (Don’t worry that you gave them a clue, they probably didn’t notice). You can now go through the magazines and ask, “He or she?” Keep working, this is harder because they have to do two steps: identify boy/girl, then decide he/she. It is a good cognitive skill. Eventually it will become connected and natural. They may still mess up in speech though, so keep correcting as necessary. You don’t have to do it all the time, just sometimes. And every now and then, practice. “Is Mommy a “she” or a “he?” What about Sara?”

When your preschooler can do he/she, they may pick up his/hers (him/her) naturally. Just because they hear you saying he… his and she…hers in sentences enough to make the link. But if not, you can work on these pronouns the same way. “David’s a boy, right? And a he? Ok, so is this “his” or “hers?” Get the good ol’ magazines again if necessary. Or ask them to think of family friends. The same for “Mr.” and “Mrs.”

Stuttering

Stuttering (or stammering) is common in toddlers/preschoolers. It can mean a variety of things:

  • Thinking is going faster than talking. The child knows what they want to say but are having a hard time getting it out of the mouth. (motor issue)
  • Thinking is slower than talking. The child doesn’t know what to say but is trying to talk anyway. (Cognitive/receptive language issue)
  • Words are not coming. The child knows what they want to say but are having trouble forming it into words. (expressive language issue)
  • Slow tongue/lips. The child is saying the words at the right pace but the mouth isn’t moving up to speed. (motor issue).
  • Insecurity. The child has abilities that are technically fine but fear or stress is compromising performance. (emotional issue).

The last reason is difficult to deal with because a child can feel insecure for any number of reasons, sometimes irrational ones. Sometimes they are embarrassed because of their own stammering—my three year old used to give up on himself and say, exasperated, “Mommy, I can’t say it!” And this only made him stutter more. Sometimes children get insecure or fearful about something totally unrelated—a vacuum, or a time ago when they heard an adult yell at somebody—and they carry it over to their language processing. So if you suspect insecurity or stress as the reason for stuttering, that can be more a “time will tell” situation. As soon as they let that fear or embarrassment go, they will get better on their own. (Or maybe they will need ministry in that area, but the stuttering will fix itself as you minister there.)

For the other reasons, some attention may be needed. Experts generally encourage adults to not correct a child’s stuttering. But the littler the child, the better I personally believe that it is. An older child may be self-conscious, but little ones tend not to be. And as my three year old showed me, they can get more self-conscious from noticing the problem, not from receiving help/correction.

Now it is insensitive to jump on a child—I’m not suggesting that at all. The main thing they need is grace, not insensitivity. Give them time, patience, and some help if necessary. If you suspect they know what they want to say but can’t get it out, don’t fill it in for them unless you are pretty sure. Just stop the child while they’re stammering and say something helpful like, “Ok, stop for a second… Ok, try again!” This gives them a chance to get out of the rut they were in. If they are having a persistent problem in this area for over six months, I’d try an occupational therapist to see if there are signs of other delays in the sensory-motor system.

If you suspect they don’t know exactly what they want to say but are thinking as they try to form words, say something like, “Hold on. Let’s think.” Give them a moment to get their wits about them and say something helpful like, “hmmm…” Lots of times you can see kids trying to think—they roll their eyes up or furrow their eyebrows. When they look like they’ve got it, prompt them, “You got it? Ok, now say it.” Or whatever you want. If they are having persistent problem in this area for over six months, I’d try a speech therapist to see if there are signs of a receptive/expressive language problem.

If the child’s problem is in their mouth, you can sometimes see them having trouble. Their lips, tongue, or mouth muscles might not be moving right. They might have speech problems too, that comes from not using their tongue right. My Early Intervention friend says they have all kinds of activities to bring more attention to a child’s mouth/muscles including sucking, blowing, holding things in their teeth, funny sounds, etc. So this type of speech problem is probably most benefited by a speech professional. If your child is over 3 years old, you can try an independent speech therapist. Once they get their muscle problem dealt with, the articulation and movement will be much clearer.

Lots of kids use baby talk until they are four, which makes experts claim you shouldn’t do anything until then. But I don’t agree. If your child is having articulation problems that you can’t correct with simple modeling at home, you should call Early Intervention. If it turns out to be no big deal, some little attention won’t hurt. And if it turns out to be a sensory-motor problem, it can be best dealt with earlier rather than later. Lots of times these are the kids who didn’t suck a pacifier or their thumb when they were little, or didn’t put things in their mouth like most babies. And they just need a little rewiring.

But don’t be afraid to do some simple phonics and speech work at home. Don’t shame your child for not being able to speak, but don’t ignore it either. Most kids should have all their phonics by about four years old. Some kids have one or two weaknesses, but they shouldn’t have more than that.

One last thing: a child that stammers may go through periods where the stammering abates and then reoccurs. This is another reason why some experts say you should wait until four or five years to get professional help. For kids who are either very verbal or under verbal, some stuttering is probably normal. The body goes through developmental spurts where one part of the brain grows and the rest has to catch up, which can cause dysjunction in the language process (because so many different parts of the brain/motor system are used simultaneously to talk). So don’t panic if you work on the stammer and then it suddenly shows up six months later. It might last a month or two and then abate again. Or it might follow a pattern, such as when trying to think of the right question to ask, starting a novel statement, or perhaps when trying to give answers… but it shouldn’t be in all those situations. As long as it is under control in this way, don’t panic. If it gets worse as the child reaches four, or doesn’t make progress, then you need help. Most HMOs cover a certain amount of speech therapy so it really isn’t a big deal to get an evaluation if you are curious.

Look Who’s (Not) Talking

I have lots of posts of language, but I just wanted to write a short one here to share the main tip I have stumbled upon:

PUT WORDS IN YOUR CHILD’S MOUTH.

Not if they talk well, of course, but to help those who are language-delayed.  Every day that I talk to my baby (9 mos), I realize how much language she hears but very little of which she should imitate.  Meaning, I ask her all kinds of questions.  But I never answer them.  So what will she do first when she talks?  Will she answer questions?  Probably not—she will ask them!

There’s nothing wrong with this, of course, but if you really want to help your child learn to talk, you have to start supplying them with the answers.  Especially kids with severe echolalia (who just repeat you).  Why are they doing all the repeating?  Probably because they don’t know what to say.  They’d know if they heard it, but they can’t form the words themselves.  So you need to supply them.

Ask the question, but then answer it.  Don’t worry about being wrong.  Your child will either live with it or find a way to protest.  Say something like, “So, what do you want for lunch today?  Hmm.  I want some banana.”  If they accept your translation, say “Yes, I want some banana.” to encourage that.  If they protest, say “No.”  As in “No, I don’t want banana.  I want crackers.”  Make sure you talk in FIRST person so the child picks up the right thing by repeating you.

As soon as this gets somewhere, you can start doing fill in the blanks.  Just start the correct response for the child and let them point or finish.   Like, “So what do you want for lunch today?  I want some….”  And try to let them pick.  If they can’t, just go back to putting words in for them.  “Banana?”  If they look positive then say, “Yes, I’d like some banana. Yes. Yes.”  In other words, make the echolalia work for you.  And repeat the words you want them to say first, like Yes or No.  Or maybe they’ve gotten yes and no but still won’t say “I’d like” or “I want.”  Then just be a little silly and emphasize that… “Yes, I’d like some banana.  I’d like it!  Yes, I like it.”  When you do the repeating yourself, it won’t be long before they’re able to get it to.

This type of putting words in the mouth can work all day, in all kinds of situations.  Just dialogue with yourself, on the child’s behalf.  Easy phrases like “You try” or “I got it” tend to be easy for kids to pick up.  So are “want some?” or “Hear it?” or “Here goes!”  Try to work in these short two or three-word exclamations—they should come faster and encourage more language ultimately than teaching one word information (i.e. cat, dog, Hi, daddy, etc.).  At least, if your child is two or three, this is probably a good place to start.  The nouns and information you’ve taught them are in their heads, probably, but are not going to help them over the two or three word hump that they’re stuck behind.

I have lists of words and phrases my kids have learned early, as well as info on manners and shaping your child’s language through this approach too.  It’s not new and it’s not earth-shattering, but shuffling four little people through these early language days has drilled home for me how important it is.  I am certain that my third child learned to talk so early because I finally picked up on this method.

Why Isn’t My Little Boy Talking?

I entitled this “little boy” because sociologically, moms worry more about their boys’ language development than their girls. It is 100% true that girls generally learn language faster than boys. Girls biologically mature faster than boys too, so it is normal for the average three year old girl’s vocabulary to be on par with a five-year old boy. It isn’t gender bias, it’s just part of development.

That doesn’t mean all boys will be late talkers or all girls will be early ones. It just means that on the whole, language takes longer and may need more support for boys rather than for girls.  In our family, we have had an array of language experiences and early bloomers blossom the most between 20 and 30-months while late bloomers learn more between 30 and 40-months. If by 4 years old, your little boy has not caught up to other boys his age, that is a red flag. You shouldn’t wait that long if you are concerned (because the earlier the intervention, the better), but if I had peace about the boy’s development, I might wait up until that point to make a clear judgment. All children are different and so much can happen even within a couple months that it sometimes pays to wait. Boys especially grow between 3-5yrs old. This is probably why kindergarten begins after age 5, and real schoolwork begins at 6.

Because of charts and pressure, though, too many moms are worried that their boys aren’t speaking in sentences at 3 years old. They hear a friend’s child talking on the playground and get worried because their little boy only says “hi” and “bye” and “no.” But lots of boys are just beginning their language progression at age 3, especially if they are the oldest or only child. Not having other children paving the way is important because little boys don’t come out already knowing that they are supposed to be imitating their parents. They may not even imitate the TV or one another. Whereas little girls are more likely to model and mimic, little boys can be more in their own worlds, relying on revelation that comes from within. They take their own time to process and learn things, usually sequentially, analytically, and in the order that they feel they need. Girls’ language usually develops much more holistically, haphazardly, and practically.

We think little boys are just like little girls and of course need high verbal skills; we look at them anxiously, waiting for them to come but many little boys are blissfully unaware and seem perfectly content on their own timetable. For whatever reason, the little learner isn’t sensing the verbal need as urgently as the parent =).   My oldest boy, who was late in learning language, was (and still is) more preoccupied with what he’s doing or thinking about. At 7 yrs now, I have quizzed him and found out that he remembers all kinds of things he did when he was 3yrs, and how he felt about it at the time, but he didn’t start talking about anything meaningfully until he was past 4yrs old. So his little thinker was very much on at 3, but not expressive or communicating yet.

I have also observed my three little boys playing together for almost five years now, and I see that they basically force themselves into each other’s worlds by competing for legos, playdoh, or whatever.  Their interaction style is very parallel (independent) but very intrusive.  (My girl’s, however, is very dependent on me, interactive, and careful.)  The boys are extremely chatty now, but sometimes talk past one another and don’t listen carefully to what each other is saying. And they do this on almost a constant basis, all day, every day, even past bedtime hours (they share a room). So that’s probably why my third little boy had no trouble picking up language as soon as he was able to play with them as a toddler. But there is no way, as a mommy, that you can model this peering, intervening, competing dynamic with your child.  Your mommy thing is much likely more gentle, direct, and occasional. So if you have a three year old boy, who is the oldest but he’s not talking, don’t be surprised.

(Just FYI, all my boys have this interaction style, even though they are all very different and none of them is the stereotypical aggressive, gun-and-cowboy kind of boy.  I am not trying to overstereotype here, or derive their learning style from their personality/socialization.)

Here’s another case in point: one of my friends is French and her husband is Greek-American. The mother speaks only French to her little boy, and the father speaks English. This little boy was typically developing in all areas except language, and as he neared the 3-year old mark he didn’t even speak much French although the mother prattled to him all day in it. About a month before he turned 3, he suddenly began speaking in French phrases. But he had only a couple English words like names of animals. Within about two months, he had French sentences and some English phrases. Now as he nears the 4-year mark, he is almost fully fluent in both languages. His vocabulary seems lower than my three and four year old’s, but he is on the whole a better communicator. His cognition skills are slightly higher as well in term of concepts like before/after, yesterday/tomorrow, etc. He even talked with me about his mommy being pregnant, having the new baby, and nursing it. Even though my 4-year old witnessed three siblings arrive in our own family, he never seemed to notice any of it, including how big I was: he certainly never talked about it. So this is a plug for all the bilingual mothers out there.

This is not to overgeneralize about boys and language. It is just to provide some perspective that experts aren’t really providing. My now 4 year old was a late talker, my 3 year old was about average, and my 2 year old was extremely early… and they are all boys! Moreover, my latest talker learned his ABCs and first words the earliest! And my earliest talker spoke his first words and learned his ABCs the latest. So it is really hard to generalize about language things. It really takes some discernment and guidance from your “gut.”

So why isn’t your little boy talking? What does your gut say? Do you have any idea? You have a couple options: either he is fine but taking his time to talk (like my third boy); or he is fine but has language delays (like my first boy); or he is not fine and there is something really wrong. I have several posts on language development where I discuss these options, but to recap an important principle: it is not how much your child is talking by a certain age, but whether or not he is making progress. Like I mentioned, my youngest boy actually started his first words the latest of my four kids (17 months), but spoke in complete sentences the earliest (19 months). A kid in my child’s therapy started his first intelligible words very late (23 months) but is now speaking amazingly in sentences after only four or five months of speech therapy. My oldest boy started his first words earliest (11 months) but ended up having a pretty severe language delay through the toddler and preschool years. So don’t get concerned by age of onset. Look more for progress.

So is he developing in other areas ok? Do you see progress in his verbal development every three months or so? Does he seem stalled in an area? Or are you expecting things too early? Too fast? Is the child a firstborn with little modeling? Is the child the baby of the family with little need to talk? All these types of questions are important pieces of the puzzle. I find, as I said in the beginning, that most moms worry about their boys just a little too early. While some boys are prattling by two years old, some are barely putting two words together. By 36 months, however, most late bloomers are at least on the road to becoming communicative. They should have made some progress between the ages of 2 and 3, and lots of progress between 3 and 3.5, even if they aren’t communicating as well as the typical 3-year old girl. If by 40-42 months your late bloomer is not talking pretty “normally” (i.e. able to dialogue with you about appropriate things, able to understand most of your words), then there is probably a delay or perhaps a language disorder. He/She may not have full sentences, but the phrases and responses should be there.

Also, try to take a long term perspective. When your kids are young, everything they do is under a microscope. It seems like every little “d” or “t” they mess up is a big problem. But most kids even out more after the 4th birthday. A delayed child can take until 5- or 6-years old to catch up. But in the long run, make sure it really matters to you. Assuming that you are only dealing with delays rather than a congenital problem (like Asperger’s), does it make a difference, on the whole, if he takes longer to mature or are you ok with him being a little less mature for awhile? I am not saying to ignore problems. I am just asking if there are factors that are making you feel more impatient or worried than must be objectively warranted. After all, your child is who he is. You have to deal with it one way or another, so there’s no use putting extra pressure as if that would make something change by magic.

Remember that there are thousands of moms worrying just like you. I have had three boys myself, in three years, and watched my friends have about half a dozen baby boys in the last couple years. I have walked down the language disorder and special preschool path. So I know moms worry too much about language. On one hand, language problems are some of the most concerning problems a small child can have because verbal, cognitive, and social/emotional development are intricately tied together. Sometimes language problems are isolated, but sometimes they indicate other more serious problems. So I would publicly recommend erring on the side of too much caution rather than on too little. But on the other hand, do realize that probably every first mom, especially with boys, is worried about their language development and more often than not, finds out that there was absolutely no problem. So don’t panic until there is something to panic about.

(I have several posts on Language Development for real signs, symptoms of language disorders.)

Circles of Communication

The concept of “circles of communication” is a really good one, articulated by Stanley Greenspan in The Child with Special Needs and The Challenging Child. For children with high functioning autism, autism spectrum disorders, sensory or auditory processing problems, or other special needs that have self-centered behavior, working on circles of communication can help them come a long way.

Circles of communication refers to conversation (verbal or non-verbal) where two active participants respond to each other. If you say to your toddler, “Ok, it’s time to put on your coat!” And the toddler responds with “Help?” And you say, “Ok, I’ll help you…” you just closed one circle of communication. That’s good. If somewhere the communication process broke down, the circle is still open and the intended message didn’t get around. New ways of getting it across are needed.

Circles of communication are called “circles,” though, because the parent and child have to learn how to reciprocate one another. There is not real communication (or relationship) if verbal sequences go only one way, from the teller to the receiver. Dialogue takes two. In order for you to be communicating with your child, the receiver has to respond back to the teller. So if you demand your child, “Put on your coat!” and they do, that is progress but not ideal. Similarly if the child demands to you, “Mommy, put my coat on!”and you obey, that is good but not ideal either. There needs to be a flow where the message is on a loop that runs a complete exchange, respectfully, accurately, and on the same emotional page. The message can be non-verbal too, where there is a “flow” between you and your child playing together, understanding and building off the actions of each other.

The goal, as Greenspan explains, is to bring special needs children “into the loop” by getting them to start closing circles of communication with you. Children might not close them for various reasons—visual, motor, cognitive, auditory, social, etc. But extended time with them on their level can help them make progress. For children with severe disorders, the goal might just be to get them to engage you. Eye contact might be enough of a start. For less severe disorders, the goal might be initiation, where the child understands or trusts you enough to proactively suggest an activity. Or to interact with you in a non-hostile way. But no matter where the child starts, you facilitate activities with them (with their toys, games, talking, whatever) that forces the child to confront you and gives them opportunities to leave their self-absorption and join the world of others. Sometimes the self-absorption is unchosen and biologically driven and sometimes it is consciously adopted and antisocial, but the friendly and purposeful confrontation is the tool to getting that child out of the box they’ve locked themselves into.

Greenspan advocates this through his floortime approach, which in modified form, I wholeheartedly endorse. My main criticism is his morally neutral approach, which sometimes makes use of unwholesome speech (teasing) or behaviors (stealing a toy) in order to confront the non-engaging child.  But we have tried the basic strategy with our children for several years with great success. One has auditory processing disorder and the other has a sensory processing problem, and it has helped us open up their worlds and enjoy them so much more.

Echolalia

Echolalia means repeating back (echo-) things that are said (-lalia). In a toddler, this means that you would say something to them, and they’d repeat it back to you. It doesn’t mean they would necessarily keep repeating themselves, although this is very common too. It means, for example, that you ask, “What do you want?” and instead of answering you, they respond with “What do you want?” Or they  parrot you around like when you say, “Look, there’s the stop sign” and they echo, “There’s the stop sign.”

In a normal developing toddler, echolalia is salient, climaxing around 30months of age. The child may even go through seasons where the repeating back of a specific question or answer is heightened but then abates, then comes back again. They may also generally be your echo as you talk to them throughout the day. Echolalia works in tandem with memory, which is usually at peak at this time too.  You will probably find your child able to memorize long songs, books, or videos.  Repeating what you or characters say is part of normal language development as they pick up new things to say, or new things to ask, and find it stimulating. They can repeat like a broken record, driving you crazy sometimes, or asking the same things over and over again even if they don’t need to. Especially, “What’s that?” But it seems to help the brain cement the concept somehow, and just when you think it will never go away, it does. (Usually being replaced by something else!)

Another thing is, children learn language by repeating you because they don’t have the experience of responding to you. They have third person experience—the experience of hearing you initiate conversation with them. So they use what they have heard most often.  Or they repeat back what they have just heard, as sort of an acknowledgment that they heard you. In fact, if your toddler did not echo you at all, that would indicate possibly a problem in hearing or a problem with expressive language.

It is not the intensity of the echolalia that is necessarily a problem. It is the pervasiveness. If the child doesn’t learn to answer your questions at all or respond to any of your statements, but only repeats them back to you, that is a problem. If you don’t hear  vocabulary expanding over time, or if they never seem to add on new information, that is also a problem. You should get the sense that your toddler is listening to your responses (most of the time), and that she is thinking about what you say.

As echolalia abates, your child should eventually learn how to say something easy like “ok” or “yeah!” when you tell her something new as opposed to repeating back your statement/question. (My two-year old’s favorite response is, “ohhh, right!”). They should also be able to answer “no” to things they don’t want when you ask; “yes” usually follows, sometimes months later. If your toddler is nearing three years old without some pronoun reversals (“my” and “your” often come first, or “me” and “you”), then this is a concern. Using their own name instead of “I,” however, is usually not. Neither is gender, which can take until 4 or 5 to get right.  If the repeating seems mindless, he can’t initiate any first-person language (I want, I need, I see…), or he repeats something you tell him but doesn’t react appropriately (i.e. “No, we’re going out now. Come on…” and he echoes “Come on” but doesn’t move), it may indicate a hearing or receptive language problem. Another big red flag is echolalia but not responding to their name. Or not turning to pay attention to you when you speak.

And yet I reiterate: the main concern is not how often your toddler repeats, but if it is the majority of his speech without growing out of it. You want to watch for the repeating to change into responding over time, rather than just getting more complex in the ability to repeat.  Your toddler repeating whole sentences instead of just the last two words you say is still echolalia.  You are looking for evidence of processing or thought.  And you want to watch for your toddler being able to initiate novel speech with you.  If she is able to proactively engage you with something she’s thinking about (not something scripted), that shows she can both receive (formulate in the head) language and express it.  Even if the grammar is bad or truncated, echolalia is fine as long as more complex responses are possible in at least some areas and your toddler can initiate speech in at least some cases without phrases they’ve just memorized. And as long as they are not non-sequitor. (i.e. they’re not answering “where’s your jacket?” when you ask, “How was school today?” because they’re used to you asking that type of question around this time.)  Whereas your young toddler may use stock nouns, questions, or phrases she’s heard to account for about 90% of her vocabulary, it shouldn’t stay that way. I wish I could say that by eighteen months, twenty-four, or thirty months, that she should have graduated to a certain level, but it differs too widely from child to child to say for sure. Generally, echolalia should drop to just a fraction of their overall word usage over their first year of talking (whenever that starts).

Here’s a brief list of ok reasons why toddlers repeat:

  • Sometimes it is the easiest thing to do, rather than think of novel things to say.
  • Sometimes they are just bored, stressed, afraid, or want to make conversation and don’t know how.
  • Sometimes they are just practicing things they know.
  • Sometimes they are not listening to your response; their mouth is on, but their ears aren’t
  • Sometimes they don’t understand your response, and so they ask again.
  • Sometimes they haven’t totally mastered a concept yet, even though it seems they have.
  • Sometimes what you said is pleasing to the ear, or pleasing to say.
  • Sometimes they are just mimicking you the way they would mimic other things you do.  Two-year olds especially learn by memorizing and mimicking.
  • Often times they haven’t learned the appropriate response. They need a storehouse of things to say before they can actually initiate something intelligent, and they need to hear you model first person speech so they can mimic. Don’t be afraid to put words in your toddler’s mouth when you suspect they don’t know what to say. Even if you’re wrong, they’ll soon be able to correct you or at least say, “No” which is good.
  • Sometimes they are thinking out loud. They repeat something over and over because they’re verbalizing their thoughts.  They may repeat until they make a decision, at which point they’ll say what that decision is, or answer their own question.
  • Sometimes they haven’t mastered pronoun reversal yet, so it sounds like they are echoing you but are really asking reflexively. (i.e. they mean “What do I want?” instead of “What do you want?”) At some point, they will learn to change pronouns and you see they are simply thinking aloud, or asking themselves. I prompted my toddlers by saying, “I want…” and letting them fill in the blank.
  • Many times the reactions they get when they say things make it rewarding to keep repeating, even if they don’t need to. (i.e. most toddlers crave the great attention they get when they yell, “NO!” or when they ask academic questions, like “What letter is this?” and the busy parent suddenly takes interest to answer.)

So you can see from the above list why–except for the last reason—echolalia should drop off. Gradually, as the child learns more language and cognition skills, they are able to get to the responses they need, rather than relying on words and formulations they have already heard and memorized.  My three and a half year old, for example, still has phrases he memorized from me when he was two years old and every now and then gets into repeating what I say.  But his additional vocabulary and responses have grown enormously.  He doesn’t use scripted speech in order to formulate what he wants to say.  I have no concern that he can’t receive or express language because he is sky-high from where he was at two and a half.  If you don’t know whether your child’s echolalia is normal, keep a list of what he/she repeats. See if it changes in a couple months. If it doesn’t, and if new vocabulary or responses are not coming, then I’d ask somebody about it or consider calling Early Intervention for an evaluation. Especially if you have an older toddler (closer to 3) rather than a younger one. It can’t hurt.

Addendum: don’t confuse echolalia with your toddler’s initiating conversation by asking a well-known question. Echolalia is responding to your question with the same question. Toddlers love to get your attention by asking you a question you would normally ask, like “What’s this?” or “What color?” This is not echolalia. It is simply their way of engaging you, as in, “Hey Mommy, I want to talk to you.”

Teaching Prepositions

Teaching prepositions to language-delayed kids is very important. Whereas most children unconsciously pick these words (up, down, over, under), language-delayed kids often struggle to get them right. Sometimes they can’t figure out the concepts in their head (cognition), sometimes they can’t figure them out because of the nuances of English language (receptive language), and sometimes they know the concepts but simply can’t retrieve them while they’re talking (expressive language). Whatever the issue, explicit lessons often help.

Let’s say your child knows “in” & “out” but mixes them up. Take a farm animal and a toy barn, and put the animal in it while you say, “In!” Then take the animal out while you say, “Out!” Go slowly and emphatically. Do this three times and then hand it to the child to see if he can do it. If he can’t do it, help him guide the animal with your hand on his hand, repeating the “in/out” script; do this until he gets it on his own or gets frustrated; come back to it later that day again. Once he can do it, switch to a different animal and repeat, first you then him. If he can do it after that point, you can complicate the script by adding, “Put the horse IN the barn. Now take him OUT.” But always emphasize the prepositions, not the other words. Don’t focus on the animal you choose or who is doing the in/out. Keep the object lesson as the focus.

And of course, celebrate when he does it right.

If your child gets the animal/barn script right but exhibits confusion during the day when you use In/Out, ask him to put the horse In/Out of the barn again. Then ask him to put the horse In/Out of something else, like the closet. Ask him to put the horse In/Out of something strange, even, like the refrigerator. Then go back to the place where he was confused about In/Out, and try again.

Depending on the problem involved and your child’s impairment level, you will definitely see success if you repeat this exercise. Once he has success, you can switch prepositions. Work with a new opposite pair, and when he masters that one, then add back in the In/Out or whatever you did first, and work with those four. Work with them until he can do 9 out of 10 trials, when you quiz all four. If he messes up or forgets, just guide his hand to the correct spot again.

Keep adding two prepositions at a time, always including the previously learned ones, once the new preposition set has been mastered.

You can use whatever other props you want. I just found an animal/barn easy. Try to pick something that you can keep going back to, with a variety of prepositions. A sock/box works very well too.

You can do this exercise with whatever prepositions you want, or verbs:

  • up/down
  • on/off
  • top/bottom
  • over/under
  • behind/in front of
  • above/below (beneath)
  • to/from, towards/away
  • put/get, or place/bring
  • leave/take
  • stop/go
  • come/stay
  • first/next/last (you need three animals for this)
  • one/all (you need at least four animals for this)

Start with easier pairs first, and ones that the child has at least heard of before moving on to brand new concepts.

And one last thing: sometimes a child has trouble generalizing prepositions from objects to themselves. For instance, they may understand putting a horse behind a barn or a sock behind behind a box, but they can’t follow your direction to look for their toy behind the couch. That is because seeing a ball “behind” is objective, but taking themselves “behind” is subjective (i.e. they can’t see themselves going behind, rather they have to sense or internally recognize that they are doing it with their own bodies). If this is the case, practice the preposition pair with both the animal/barn as well as with their own body: after putting the horse In/Out of the barn, ask your child to get In/Out of a closet. For sensory-impaired children, this is often a very difficult thing to learn because they don’t have good awareness of their bodies. But it will help you and them tremendously if you keep at it. It is also an important safety skill.

Receptive Language Problems (2)

How many people haven’t looked at their child, who is either head-banging, eating a screw, or pushing a button on a musical toy for the ten thousandth time in one minute, and wondered, “Is there something wrong with my child?! Why does he DO that?”

But feeling that there is something wrong in your gut (or your conscience, as I sometimes think of it) is different. Usually it is the mom who feels this first because she is the one overly familiar with her child–the way he moves, plays, speaks, or just “is”–but sometimes the dad spots it first (especially in the area of motor or balance). The gut feeling is this subtle, quiet, persistently nagging reaction to your child’s behavior that says, “Something here isn’t quite right.” And often it isn’t a behavior per se that is bothering you but rather a pattern.

It was like when one of my sons was repeating what was said to him. All kids go through repetitive stages, and most kids repeat things so much that you think you’re going to scream. Questions like “What’s this?” or ” ” tend to be asked ad nauseum. And especially when your toddler is just beginning to speak, they often pick up little scripts or phrases that they run through often. Totally normal.

But something about the frequency and duration of the repeating began concerning me. I couldn’t put my finger on it. Everyone who came in simple contact with my child thought he was fine. I didn’t. It began to dawn on me that he could ONLY repeat, and then I realized it was not what he was doing–repeating–but what he wasn’t doing that was concerning me. I never heard him talk freely or answer in a new way. As he was progressing from two years to three years, all that was coming out was old stuff I’d heard a million times before for the last year.

And then there was the memorizing. Many kids have a fantastic memory. Probably because they don’t have a mind full of experiences to draw from, God gives them this amazing ability to encode what they see and hear. It is common for kids to memorize their favorite videos, books, silly songs, or alphabet (if you’re lucky!) even at the tenderest toddler ages. But my son was memorizing everything he heard from the daily routine (“Oh listen, there’s the mail truck! I wonder if it’s got the mail. Let’s see, anything for me…”) to our gospel of Matthew DVD, which was like three or four hours long. I mean, his articulation wasn’t great, but you could tell he was doing it. It was almost like he wasn’t even aware of other people conversing with him–he would just run at the mouth. And he memorized puzzles too. At 24 months, he was doing simple 25-piece puzzles with Elmo. But by 30 months, he had six or seven 100-piece puzzles he’d memorized. He wouldn’t use the picture, or even do trial and error. He’d just pick a piece up out of the pile and place it on the floor where it was supposed to go. He even figured out that some of the puzzles used the same template, and would do one puzzle on top of another, laying the top pieces over the similar shaped ones cut out below. All this, and he couldn’t even answer “Yes” if I asked him if he was hungry!

So you can see why my “gut feeling” was roaring! By then it probably wasn’t even a feeling… it was like a clanging bell inside going, “Get help! get help!” But yet, the comments I heard from others–even those closest to me–were pacifying remarks like:

  • He’s a boy. Boys talk later.
  • He’s the oldest. The oldest are often late-bloomers.
  • He doesn’t watch enough TV. He’d probably catch up if he watched a couple hours a day.
  • Don’t compare kids. Everyone is different.
  • He’s probably a genius. Einstein couldn’t talk until he was five and flunked first grade.
  • He’ll talk when he’s ready.
  • It’s probably just his personality.
  • He might be a little behind, but kids catch up on their own.

I tried to believe these! I really tried! I’m kind of a neurotic person, so I chalked up my clanging bell to normal first-time mom neurosis. Plus, I’m a psychologist and an overachiever, so I am hyper-discerning about people’s emotions and problems at times. How could all these other people be wrong? Wouldn’t I be the most horrible person on earth if I said I was concerned my boy wasn’t a genius at all and was autistic? or had a low IQ? Even daddy didn’t think anything was wrong. Plus, our guy was social, cheerful, obedient, and had learned all his shapes, colors, letters, numbers… everything you could show him.

But he wasn’t talking to me.

Or interacting with what I was saying. No new things, no expressive desires, no asking for stuff, no conversation about anything that wasn’t an object or a sound. Nothing he hadn’t memorized or seen/heard before came out. My clanging bell refused to be silenced.

I muffled it well but by the time he was 34 months old, I couldn’t take it anymore. I took him over to a friend’s house who worked with learning delays at a Christian elementary school. She tested him with an old Early Intervention test she had around the house, very informally, as my guy played with her young son, and said she thought I had reason to be concerned. She said that even if I didn’t, she was concerned that I felt so intensely about it and that I should trust my inner voice. She told me that Mothers Know Their Children Best and that if I thought something was wrong, there probably was.

Of course, there was! My wonderful, bright little boy was over fourteen months behind in receptive language (what he could understand), and about eight months behind in expressive language (what he could put into words). He was mildly behind in other areas, but probably because we hadn’t been able to explain to him various things that required more understanding.

My clanging bell had finally been silenced.

I share this with you only to encourage you, Mom, that you should never ignore your gut feelings about your children. Even if admitting them means you are “betraying” that they aren’t the little genius you and everyone else wants them to be, do it. Or if the problem is merely behavioral, but it is over the top, I would also call Early Intervention or mention it to someone with professional understanding of child development. It could be that your patience is worn thin for good reason… it could be a sign that something is actually wrong. Especially if you find yourself moved to exhaustion or severe frustration with your child–and you normally are a nice Nelly with kind-hearted patience for everybody–check it out. God gives us these inner voices for a reason.

And don’t buy the idea that professional child development people are a bunch of bunk, as I sort of did. It’s not that I didn’t believe they could tell me anything, as much as I didn’t trust what they would say. I was worried they would overestimate or underestimate the problem… like telling me there was no hope for my child because he was autistic, or telling me I was silly for worrying and everything was normal. I think the fear of these two types of responses immobilized me because they were the very last things I wanted to hear (especially the latter). But your child is more important than your fears. Do it for them.

The Two-Word Rule

My oldest son has an auditory processing disorder (sometimes known as CAPD), and for the longest time, it evaded me. There are many symptoms of auditory processing problems, but it was difficult to diagnose him because they were either too vague or overlapped with other possible diagnoses (e.g. high functioning autism). One of the most notorious vague symptoms–but, in retrospect, one of the most telling–was the Two Word Rule.

Around age two, toddlers should be able to start putting two words together like “see ball” or “more milk.” However, it can be confusing for parents to judge whether or not their little one is doing this because children often say phrases that consist of more than one word, like “all done”, “i sorry,” “how doin’?”, “here ya go” or “here it is.” These little phrases are often badly annunciated and run together like one big word–”chunking” is what they call it. So if your toddler “chunks,” he is not actually putting two words together yet.

Nor is he putting two words together if he can repeat your phrases but can’t make up his own. Lots of kids have fantastic memories and can repeat videos they’ve heard, questions they’ve been asked, etc. My little boy could say “what’s this?” or “what color?” very early–because he got used to that question! Or he could sing the ABC song or talk along with the script to the Blues Clues video by age two as well. But he did not put two novel words together… ever.

This should have been a red flag, but I didn’t recognize it. On the screening quizzes or developmental checklists, the criterion often simply states “Puts together two words” or “uses two-word phrases,” and so I thought, “yeah, he does that.” But chunking or repeating, or simply parroting back responses he’s heard before did not constitute ACTUAL CREATING of TWO WORD PHRASES! If I could tell this to other moms suspecting auditory processing problems, I would in a heartbeat. Two or three years later, I realize how important this criterion was.

Now, not all auditory processing problems are the same. Some kids have delayed receptive languages. Some have delayed expressive language. Some have both. For some, other criteria might be more salient. But don’t let this one confuse you. It is important. The child should be creating (NEW) two-word constructions when he talks to you or answers a question. Things like

verb+noun (“run doggy” or vice-versa “doggy run”
adj+noun (“silly mom,” “two crackers,” “red shirt”)
adj + verb (“more up?”)

If he can’t create these constructions on his own, he hasn’t met that criterion yet. Look for it and consider asking your pediatrician or Early Intervention people if it isn’t coming.

More Auditory Processing Disorder Signs

The normal auditory processing disorder screening questions are a little vague. Thus, I have included a list of my sons’ symptoms just to be more specific.

  • Inability to answer yes/no questions (i.e. repeats the question back to you)
  • Consistently taking the questioner’s role (i.e. say’s “how you doing?” when he sees you but doesn’t answer “good” if you ask him the question; says, “what should we eat today?” when you go to the kitchen for lunch, but can’t answer “cookies!” when you ask him yourself)
  • Consistently calls people by their own name (my son said, “Hi Sam!” whenever he saw anyone)
  • Persistent echolalia of others and of self; doesn’t seem to notice that another person answered their questions
  • Does not refer to self or continues to call self by his own name (doesn’t use I, me, you, etc.
  • Inability to answer/show you things like, “where’s the refrigerator?” or “which one [fork, shovel] do you eat with?”
  • Doesn’t use pointing, leading you, to get you to get what he wants
  • Doesn’t proactively ask for things (i.e. continues to play with stuff after he’s totally bored with it; can only cry when he needs something or something is wrong)
  • Has a confused look on his face or stares right through you (to “lah-lah land”) when you are talking to him/explaining things
  • Doesn’t seem to be incorporating information you’ve told him or explained to him—doesn’t behave any differently, seems afraid of the same things even w/explanation, or you don’t hear new vocabulary you’ve used work its way into theirs
  • Stories or imaginative games don’t work with him; he doesn’t understand the directions or doesn’t have enough vocabulary to answer comprehension questions
  • Describes things—labeling what they see, hear, or what you’re doing—as most of his talking (“Red,” “Doggy,” “Read”); the labelling is usually not solicited; a preschooler might expand to “It’s red,” “I hear a doggy,” “You reading, Mom.” but never get beyond the labelling.
  • Vocab is mostly nouns and adjectives.  Verbs and adverbs difficult, no prepositions, no changing verb tense, no helping or “filler words”
  • Doesn’t seem to notice when you’re talking to him (“I was thinking we’d go to the park today!”) unless you use his name first (“Johnny, I was thinking…”)
  • Doesn’t seem to notice group directions (i.e. in a class or group–”Let’s all go to the rug!”)
  • delayed pretend/imagination skills
  • inability to make toys “talk” to one another, or do something with a little plot/purpose

Get someone to evaluate your toddler if he or she has these problems between the ages of 2 and 3! Maybe everything is fine, but possibly he or she is behind in receptive or expressive language. See if you can tell whether the bigger problem is understanding what you say (receptive) or responding to/articulating a response (expressive).

In my experience, receptive is the more dangerous of the two to be behind on. A child who has trouble expressing their needs (but can understand what is being said) often catches up with simply more exposure to language or you “putting words in their mouth” when you want a response. Sometimes expressive language leads to stammering or tantrums because the child’s brain is going faster than their ability to get the words out. But overall, this is a better situation to be in because you can still teach your child stuff as if they don’t have a problem.

The more dangerous thing is if your child is behind in receptive skills because your teaching is basically useless. He can’t understand you. And more exposure to language (reading, videos, etc.) is often pointless. Not that you should stop doing it–because those things are bonding and fun times for the child, regardless. But they aren’t going to get better at understanding language from verbal input alone. Nor are they able to put gestures along with your questions to help themselves be understood (i.e. “Point to which one you want” or “Shake your head if you don’t want this.”) They can get very behind on cognitive or social skills because they don’t understand explanations (i.e. like why you go to the doctor, or how to wait in line at the slide, when Mommy will be back and what she’s doing, etc.)

If your child has receptive problems, you need to immediately move to other forms of supplemental communication like gestures and visual cues paired with your words so they can understand what you’re saying. I’ll post more about this later. Often you have to show your child what you mean, or act alongside your words so they get a real “feel” for what you’re saying. Toilet training can be very hard. Basically your un-receptive child is going to have to experience stuff first-hand and put it together in their own little mind all by themselves… so be prepared to be busier and teach them visually or kinesthetically as much as possible until their language catches up. We still have to do this with our four year old, and it can be exhausting!

Receptive Language Disorder–Symptoms

I have several other posts that address receptive language problems. Here’s a short list of red flags I saw:

  • inability to manipulate words he’d heard before in new ways. For example, he knew the words “I want” and “milk” or “ball”, but he couldn’t formulate, “I want the ball” or even “I want” “want ball” or “I ball.”
  • He also never demonstrated pronoun reversal “I” instead of “you,”
  • He used his name instead of “I” (still does this occasionally)
  • Couldn’t use people’s names in conversation even though he knew who they were (i.e. He didn’t call for Mommy or try to get attention by saying “Mommy…” But if Daddy asked him who I was, or showed him a picture of me, he could say, “Mommy!”
  • He didn’t proactively talk, but only responded.
  • He labelled objects all the time. I think that was his way of initiating conversation.
  • He didn’t say communicative words like, “Look…” or “See the…” or “Watch…”
  • He tended to talk in questions instead of statements (because of course, that’s what he heard most of the day, as we tried to figure out what he needed!). “You ready for dinner?” instead of “dinnertime!” or “Want dinner!” or “I’m hungry!”
  • He didn’t ask for things that weren’t present.
  • He didn’t point very much (except to the sky when he heard an airplane or something)
  • He didn’t know if we were talking to him or someone else. He didn’t notice sometimes when we were talking to him, or he’d respond if my husband and I were talking to one another.
  • Didn’t respond to a general address like, “Everybody get your shoes.”

But the main thing I saw was a stalling of his overall language expression. He was about as articulate at three years old, as he was at two years old. His speech got more refined (i.e. less babytalk, clearer grammar, lots of animation), but not more complex.