I Hope This Isn’t ADD!

If your child has authentically diagnosed ADD or ADHD, please do not read any further! This is only for moms with ADD-wannabes =)

So my second son, at 6yrs old now, has many of the classic symptoms.  He is distracted by everything.  He has sensory issues, so he hears, smells, and feels everything whether it is the heat coming on, a truck backing up on the interstate, or even the smell of the oven.  This doesn’t help.

But even when I get him “focused” and working, he is very distractable.  He’s an artistic type, so he gets derailed into doodling on his workbook pages, or writing little notes to me on them when he comes to a difficult problem.  He can write a whole misspelled paragraph to me about a one-word blank.  He also likes fonts, so he starts decorating his “Ts” and “Fs” with little serifs or italic/bold-faced type.  Then his pencil needs sharpening, so he spends about 10 minutes doing that only to have it snap off when he gets back to his spot.  He starts that process over.  I homeschool him, and he can easily take from 9am to 12noon just doing two or three tasks.

But he’s extremely intelligent.  So I try not to harp.

It’s hard though.  His ADD spills over into other areas too, like getting dressed, tying shoes, brushing teeth.  It is very frustrating.  And yet, I realize it is partly developmental.  As you know, boys are over-diagnosed with ADD or ADHD.  Sometimes husbands and grandfathers hear about it and believe they’ve suffered with it their entire lives.  If it is maladaptive, maybe they do.  But it could just be part of the male brain.  Male brains are like “waffles,” as one celebrated author says, and topics are compartmentalized–in the brain, each subject has its own box separate from the others, and men jump from box to box, subject to subject.  Little boys do this too, which is how they get so far off track.  Things are just INTERESTING to them, so they think about it, cutting off what they were originally doing.  My girl doesn’t seem to have this problem, but I am sure there are many girls who do, especially creative and  free-thinking ones!

There are many blog posts and books on this subject, so I won’t belabor it here.  The real reason I am writing this post is because it dawned on me just today that there is something  redeeming about ADD wannabes.

Other than the gender component, I had thought that perhaps ADD was personality-related in the sense of learning style.  My second son is very analytical–obviously if he’s into fonts!  But something about this hypothesis wasn’t accurate because my first son is also analytical and has no attention problems at all. He has laser-like focus.  Then this morning I was teaching my third son Language Arts (he’s five) and I saw some of the same ADD symptoms beginning to crop up on him as he worked.  “Oh no!!!” I thought to myself.  “I have to stop this from happening so it doesn’t consume him like my second boy!”

Then it hit me.

He THINKS about his work as he does it.  My third son is not analytical at all.  Not even a little–it took him forever to learn his letters because A and B all looked the same to him.  (My other two sons picked them up before they were 2yrs old).  My third guy isn’t picky about anything, is very independent, talks in general statements, and picks up concepts easily.  But as he was working on his vocabulary and spelling, he was actually trying to think about what the words meant.  He wasn’t interested in just reading them (“cast”… “task”… “track”), he was asking me questions about them.  Then as I would explain them, we would get off track as that led to more questions.  Sometimes we got off for 5 minutes talking about something six degrees away from “cast.”  And I’d have to steer us back to the page at hand.

That’s when I realized that my second son does the same thing.  He tries to really understand things on a heart level.  He is very artistic, very scientific, and has a high IQ.  His vocabulary–especially for a young boy–is excellent.  So he ponders his work and goes slowly, thinking about things as he goes through.  This causes the distraction and “six degrees” problem.

My first son, however, who is 8 and has no attention problems, is analytical but doesn’t think AT ALL when he does his work.  He breezes through it as quickly as possible.  We have trained him to try to get the right answers, so he does know how to slow down and rethink a question with prompting.  But I can tell when I talk to him that he doesn’t like to think!  He is a type A personality and does things by the book, as perfectly as he can and gets good grades for it.  But he’s the type of  boy who can read an entire book and know very little of what he read.  Or misread the directions on a page and complete the entire page according to a rule without it dawning on him that his answers don’t make sense.  Or look up a word in the dictionary and read the definition four times and still have no mental picture.  He’s got a great memory and devours books, but has a terrible vocabulary and makes few connections on his own.  (i.e. he’s a history buff but asked me the other day whether July 4 was an American holiday.)  He just has a superficial understanding of most things and doesn’t know what he doesn’t know.  Terrible commentary on how getting straight A’s doesn’t correlate to comprehension!

So maybe this is just the way it works: quick and brief, or slow and comprehensive.  If you have a child with attention problems too, you can be grateful that s/he’s probably a thinker.  They might grow up to be one of those kids who are terrible test takers but, if they took it correctly, would score extra high.  After all, it’s only if you think about what you’re doing, can you can think enough to get distracted!

I’m not trying to make light of attention problems.  I definitely think the kindergarten age is the optimal moment to teach this study skill– if you can teach your child to sit still and focus when they’re five-six, they will have a huge advantage.  But I have more grace on my boys now.   My kindergartner is clearly building his vocabulary and knowledge base, even though it seems like we labor over getting one page completed.  It’s developmental and important not to skip.

The Autistic Child (NOT)

Does this describe your child?

• 2.5-3.5yrs old
• probably male, probably firstborn
• delayed language; doesn’t put words together yet
• doesn’t use Yes/No correctly– can cry/temper tantrum easily
• doesn’t call for help
• doesn’t use Mommy/Daddy/own name well
• very detail-oriented
• walks on tiptoes
• walks in circles, sometimes jabbering to self or no-one
• spins car wheels, pokes blocks off, or otherwise repetitive play behavior
• repeats your questions/statements
• repeats sounds or scripts ad nauseum
• easily distracted
• bad eye contact
• can’t answer comprehension questions
• no gestures or pointing
• few independent skills
• doesn’t understand taking turns or people skills well
• won’t drink milk, eat fruit, etc.
• constipated all the time
• difficult sleeper

Congratulations!  You have a fine, well-adjusted NON-AUTISTIC child!  No, I mean it.  Your child is likely a finicky, driven, bored and distracted little boy.  He doesn’t care about language, isn’t able to pick it up easily, and is therefore a tough cookie who is behind in some areas that he wouldn’t be if he had better language skills.  But for now, you have to suffer in the world of preschool, playgrounds, and other life adventures that really do require more English and social skills than your child has.  And guess what?  This is totally normal!  Stop worrying that he is on THE SPECTRUM because life doesn’t seem to fit his developmental timetable, and just hang in there until he’s 5.  Get a lot of structure and routine that works for you, adopt a rigid discipline ethic if necessary, and have faith that once the language kicks in, he will make up for lost time pretty much right away.  His behavior will also become less erratic.

How about this child?

• 1-4 yrs old
• picky eater
• messy, clumsy, can’t dress self well
• cries easily
• strange phobias– water, vacuum, dirt
• anxious behavior
• taps or scratches self, has repetitive stimulatory behaviors (i.e. may still suck thumb, fidget with socks, etc)
• seems lost in a group, or plays alone
• deep, focused play skills; strange attention at times
• doesn’t like to engage others
• avoids conflict, checks out
• can talk but doesn’t initiate or sustain conversation; people might not even know how well they speak
• may speak to privileged individuals, in-depth about their favorite subject/question
• unusual talents, or way ahead in an adult area
• retreats to specific activities; self-soothing repetitive play
• takes things apart to study
• handles toys or household objects in peculiar (non-functional) ways
• sensitive to smells, sounds, touch
• “freak out” or “shut down” behavior
• low muscle tone
• allergies or inadequate nutrition

Congratulations!  You too have a sensitive, fearful, NON-AUTISTIC child!   Most people would like to diagnose your little guy with Asberger’s or Autism Spectrum, but more likely you have a misunderstood, sensory-sensitive little person.  This profile is less commonly complained about than the very first profile I outlined, but it definitely represents a portion of toddlers who are very quickly seen as at-risk for autism and usually packed right off to a specialist for a neuropsychological exam.  Whereas the first  profile I listed above is likely to see the child put in special preschool, perhaps with an ADD-type medication, this second profile is more likely to be medicated for childhood depression, anxiety, OCD, or reactive detachment disorder.  But kids come in all colors!  There is no need to panic because your little person isn’t the extraverted, sensible preschooler.  He/She may be an “old soul” or grumpy type who doesn’t fit in with the flashy world around them.  He/She probably needs a little extra nurture and coddling, as well as some occupational therapy or one-on-one play/floortime with a loved one.  Resist THE SPECTRUM curse!

** Note: Of course I am not against true autism diagnosis.  And I am not against checking out whatever symptoms worry you about your child.  I am just making light of the fact that “normal” is a wide range, and MUCH wider than we are told it is.  Usually we are told to worry, from experts, parents, or friends, because of the developmental scare climate out there.  Yet there is no reason to push the Panic Button just because your toddler or preschooler has some delayed or anti-social behavior.  Attention and special education might be necessary…as it always has been, in the case of small children who have individual tendencies and weaknesses.  But usually these are things you can do on your own or with limited intervention.  There is no need to put small children under a microscope and ship them off for multiple diagnoses so they can receive services from the state until they’re 21 because we’re afraid they’re all high-functioning autistic.**

How about this?

Does Your Boy Develop Unevenly?

After hundreds of comments from moms dealing with their speech-delayed boys who walk on tiptoes or have other such idiosyncrasies, it occurred to me to write another post on the boy/autism thing.  This time, with a focus on the developmental timetable.

I have another post on how boys develop differently than girls, but to recap an important point: boys often do not follow the timetables.  In fact, they are spotty.  They grow unevenly.  At times, they will hit the developmental mark right on the money.  Other times, they will be way off.  And often, they will have some abilities way ahead for their age—while at the same time, they will have glaring weaknesses way behind for their age.

For example, when my firstborn son was 2 going on 3, he could do 100 piece puzzles from memory.  No box, no pausing.  Just snap, snap, piece after piece together.  Like a robot actually.  He even found out, by doing the puzzles on top of each other, that some of them used the same template!  For a toddler who didn’t talk yet or even say “Mommy” or “Daddy,” this was strange to us. Then when combined with some of his habits like walking on tiptoe, spinning and crashing cars (but not really playing with them), memorizing long scripts from video, repeating himself, and not pointing or gesturing, we started realizing he had some of the autism signs.

In fact, when we read down the lists of symptoms, he had lots of them.  He had language delays, some social and emotional issues, and some of the sensory signs.  He seemed to have no imagination or interest in crayons or action figures.  But he seemed way ahead in spatial skills, knew all his letters and numbers etc., had great focus, loved to be cuddled, and generally seemed bright and charming.  His motor skills were great, and any non-verbal tests he got, he passed with flying colors.  Or things that needed one-word answers he could do.  He was way ahead in some cognitive areas and way behind in others.

Then my second son came along and was the mirror image of my firstborn.  Extremely verbal, very early, artistic and creative, but way behind in motor skills.  Emotionally unstable and very anxious, he had almost all the sensory problems common to autistic children, including choking issues, hatred of socks and tags, inability to cross the midline, and freaking out sometimes.  He didn’t bond well to others (except Mom) and couldn’t do puzzles or visual tracking activities.  So even though he was talking, imaginative, and sociable enough in his own way, HE was all over the charts.  And thus possibly autistic.

Then my third boy came along.  You know the story by now.  He hit some milestones right on time (i.e. walking), hit some way early (i.e. sentences by 19months old), and some way behind (i.e. toileting issues until his fourth birthday).  And he had some strange issues (i.e. severe fear of water).  By this time, however, we had trashed the charts.  We figured he was fine!  He didn’t have to love everything 3 year olds loved, he didn’t have to talk like 3 year olds talked, and he didn’t have to fit in some “autistic Spectrum” bucket because he had some emotional immaturity. And now that he’s nearly five, we’re SURE he’s not autistic!  (or any of our other boys either).

So this is my encouragement to you if your boys are geniuses at some things but embarrassingly behind at other things.  Do you know that book, “Men are Like Waffles and Women are Like Spaghetti”?    That book effectively describes how my little boys think.  Their brains are like waffles, with separate compartments for each kind of skill or knowledge.  They can dive in real deep within any one box, but the knowledge doesn’t seem to transfer over into other boxes or compartments.  The connections aren’t there, and there isn’t much infrastructure to help them build up their weaknesses. So they grow very unevenly.  It can be worrisome for a time because their strengths get stronger but their weaknesses seem to get weaker, especially when you start comparing them to other kids.  3 year olds tend to be the most diverse.  Sometimes therapy doesn’t even seem to make a difference, at least not right away.  Little boys just plunge ahead with their strengths (what they naturally get) and prefer to stay there, enjoying it and totally oblivious to your concerns that they aren’t “normal” all around.

Consequently it is now no longer surprising to me that my six year old son currently can take apart radios and electric circuits, but doesn’t understand that if he stands close to the stairs, he might fall down them.  My almost 5 year old son can talk to me about heaven and dying, and what he wants to be when he grows up, but still hates even the tiniest drop of water on him or will change his underwear or socks if they get a speck of dirt on them.  My seven year old son currently can pass second and third grade English and Math tests, on paper, but has a five year old’s vocabulary, says “What?” a lot, and uses awkward phrases all the time.  They are just not even developers.  Some things way ahead and some things behind.  Some normal habits and some strange idiosyncrasies.

In comparison to my girl, who is precocious socially and emotionally, and has met every deadline on time, there is just no similarity.  My conclusion: It’s ok for boys to be uneven and worrisome.  That’s just often how it goes.

The Shy Child

I am entitling this the “shy” child, although one of my sons who prompted me to write this is perhaps not the typical “shy” child as much as the cautious or worried one.  I have been studying this behavior a lot recently and, now that he is turning six, looking for appropriate ways to help him conquer fear and anxiety, especially socially.  He has basically had this problem since he was little.

Looking back, I can see that he was even a “shy” baby.  He was small and weak, clingy but happy.  He was easy—didn’t cry a lot, napped all the time, yet sometimes wouldn’t hang onto a feeding enough to get the full amount.  He gave up easily, grew up behind his physical milestones, fearful of trying to walk, and screaming his head off when I walked away from him, starting at about 8months old and ending I’m not sure when.  Probably at 16 months when he finally tried walking, and found out he could do it perfectly by then.  Toilet training was a nightmare, separation anxiety was terrible, and he sucked his thumb for a long time.  (He still does, only at night though).  We found out he had a barrage of sensory and motor issues, got him occupational therapy for that, and would stutter when he didn’t get enough sensory input that day.  He generally liked people though, he was exceptionally bright and talkative at an early age, and taught himself to read.  I never had any real concerns.

This may or may not describe your child, but the point is that the shyness and fearfulness began at an early age and it has been tricky to help him grow out of it.  We have only just gotten to the place where he was ok enough to do kiddie gymnastics at the YMCA.  He breaks down and cries so easily that most classes are a nightmare.  And most teachers don’t have enough patience!  Let’s face it… I don’t always.  I have a unique empathy for what he’s going through, as his mother, but sometimes I can’t handle an avid crier.  I  just can’t understand why games are not fun, competitions are so threatening, and most stuff he won’t even try.  And I don’t mean like trying out for the soccer team.  I mean, like he won’t try to throw a nerf ball through the Little Steps basketball hoop.  Or use a friend’s kiddie tramp in the yard.  Little things, you know?

Well, now that he’s older (6yrs) and so precocious, I have been able to have some good conversations about it with him.  And I’ve been reading up on the subject.  And here are some things I have learned, which might help you deal with your clingy and fearful one.  (I can tell this is going to be a long post, sorry!)

1.  Shyness is not a crisis. Don’t panic!  (Maybe I should have said, “shyness isn’t autism” =)  Even though it seems that everything for little kids in America is geared towards sanguine, extroverted children, eventually the more reserved ones will fit in.  For kids who are wary of excitement, the world can be a tough place.  As parents who want to see our kids happy so much, we just have to accept this.  There are melancholy types, and we may have one.  My second son is a stereotypical Eeyore, Gloomy Gus, or whatever and it has been a little difficult for me to accept this.  Yet I see the wonderful things God has placed within him which are going to make him successful when he’s older.  I see his empathy, thoughtfulness, gentleness, carefulness, and discernment.  He is analytical, scientific, extremely emotionally aware, and will probably end up in a counselor, teacher, therapist, doctor, or otherwise helpful role when he’s an adult.  I don’t want to squelch this even though I get frustrated that he won’t join in the Uno game or kiddie pool =)

2.  Share the positive things with the child. Whereas my other three kids are blissfully unaware of their strengths and weaknesses, and charmingly prideful about everything, my shy child is painfully self-conscious.  This makes it all the more important to start teaching shy children about themselves.  They are ready to hear it, actually, since they are already thinking about it.  And if I don’t interrupt the “bad tape” that my son is playing inside his own head (“I can’t do this.  I’m too short.  I’m not good enough…”) then it will take over.  I have to replace that bad tape with a “good tape.”  So I do this by sharing those good things I see… how neat it will be to see what he’s going to do when he grows up.  Even at 5yrs old, he was thinking about it and whether we have an accurate vision is not the point as much as it is that there is a purpose for his personality.  (Always approve of any idea they have, about what they want to be when they grow up, even if it is ridiculous or a bad fit.)  Subconsciously, I want to shift my child’s perception of himself from “my problems are my identity” to “I’m destined for great things, so I can overcome the challenges.”  Sort of like talking to the average 13 yr old who feels inadequate!

One way to help a little child who’s insecure is to draw a picture of a big bucket and put their name on it.  Then talk about what good things go in that bucket, like “kind” or “thinker” etc.  You can list these things and draw arrows into the bucket, and then put the picture somewhere they will see it a lot, like on the frig, or over a desk.  For non-readers, draw a small picture next to each word, like a heart next to “kind” or a thinking face next to “thinker.”  They will soon come to know these words as they see it daily, and you can bring it out when you have your talks.

3.  Teach positive thinking. This is kind of the same as #2 except more practical.  I actually teach my son to narrate what he’s doing, sometimes, instead of playing his “bad tape.”  The ol’ standby of “I think I can, I think I can” is ok, but my son is such a realist that “I’m putting this lace around this one, and then I’m pulling through” is better for him.  It replaces “I can’t do this, It’s too hard” while he’s practicing tying his shoes.

Also related to this is watching your language.  Shy is not a bad word, nor is sensitive, and the reserved child needs a vocabulary to talk about the issue as they grow.  Yet the shy child already feels like everything they do is under a microscope.  They feel that the problems they have are huge, but their strengths are insignificant.  If you’re careful how you speak, it can reverse this kind of thinking.  Obviously try not to scold or criticize, but more practically, try to give instruction instead of correction whenever possible.  And when appropriate, sandwich the instruction within two loving statements like, “I know you’re trying really hard to do that right, which is great.  I think you have to hold the bow in one hand while you loop with the other.  Then it will be easier.”  Pretending like everything is NO BIG DEAL is key.

4.  One-on-One time is huge. The shy child tends to appreciate the one-on-one time the most.  All kids need it, but the more tender or reserved child often doesn’t get it because they aren’t around as much, or are gentler, or whatever.  So make time and go get them if they won’t acknowledge the need to come to you.  And beware of leaving the child who plays alone in the corner, alone.  They probably don’t want to bother people, or have conflict, but direct eye contact and engagement goes a long way in warding off problems.  In particular, it keeps them from developing passive aggressive behavior later on, when they realize they need things but don’t know how to communicate or get what they need the right way.  Connect, connect.

One of the best ways to do this is create a personal ritual.  It can become very valuable to them, even if it’s just a bedtime story, or a weekly Saturday breakfast out, or whatever.  Even a non-demanding two year old is able to pick up on a ritual like this, and enjoy munching a bagel with you at Panera.  It tells them “I love you, and I like being with you.”  This will counter that negative tape they play and make them happier inside.

5.  Reward and Celebrate courage. The shy child is reluctant to engage social activities often because they have performance anxiety.  They may not know what to say, or to do, and so they are afraid of getting in the game.  And they may feel pressure to get things right the first time, do a good job, etc.  Knowing what “should” happen or what going to kindergarten “should” feel like causes them great cognitive dissonance as things “actually” happen or they experience what they “actually” feel.  Then they feel guilty or ashamed.  It is a very adult-like trap, really.  It takes some undoing.

Part of the undoing is to obviously teach as many skills as possible.  Shy children in particular need to learn eye contact, hand shaking, phone skills, manners, and what to say when they don’t understand or don’t know.   Many cannot turn off the fear or waterworks once they start, and they shouldn’t feel ashamed for it or convinced out of it until they’re ready.  Time-outs are often helpful.  They also need to practice with non-threatening people or contexts (even stuffed animals!) if actual performance is involved.  But once teaching and practice are done, then the key to reward and celebrate when they step out.  For another child, starting a conversation is not worthy of praise, but for the shy child, it is.  Speaking up, telling someone what they need, asking for help, trying something new, going to a party, singing in circle time at nursery school, offering help, etc…. all these things should be taught and then heavily rewarded no matter what the results are.  I’m not against giving shy kids candy for rewards.  It is a very tangible and non-consuming way to tell a 4yr old, “Great job.  I’m happy with your effort.”  Now with my shy child, giving him the incentive of an M&M to do something is different… it doesn’t work because then he feels all this pressure to perform to get that M&M.  This actually shuts him down and makes him cry.  So do negative consequences being threatened, obviously.  But an incentive is different from a reward.  His face does light up when I catch something good and reward him for it, probably because there was no pressure or expectation involved.  Find a balance, but reward based on the effort not the outcome.

6.  Get sensory and motor issues checked out. For my son, some occupational therapy (and now kiddie gym) has gone a long way in helping him deal with his anxiety.  Not every shy child has sensory issues, but probably more do than we know.  When a child actually feels everything too loud, too fast, too bright, etc., the world is an overstimulating and scary place.  Getting some occupational or physical therapy can raise their tolerance levels, as well as give them non-threatening one on one attention in the areas they need strength.  When I first sought testing for my son (then just 3yrs), everyone was so worried because of his fears and crying during the exams.  They thought he was depressed, had generalized anxiety disorder, and needed a neuropsychological exam.  I feared that only medication was down that path, so I persisted in my quest to take the more physical route.  I truly believed strength and self-confidence was at the root of the anxiety, so I insisted we try that first.  What do you know, it worked!  So if your child is afraid of parties, gyms, playgrounds, malls, etc, it is definitely worth checking this out.  My son not only hears the lowest sounds on the hearing machine, and sense all touches and smells more than anyone else, but he has bad visual discrimination skills so he can’t spot things well.  He can’t see me in a crowd, see Daddy coming back to the car, sense where he is when he turns a corner in the library, or get to the trash can and back in a restaurant without getting confused.  This of course contributes to startling and anxiety but is, thankfully, one of the easiest things to work on at home through worksheets, I Spy/Where’s Waldo, puzzles, and other visual tracking activities (try “Slow and Steady, Get Me Ready” by J. Oberlander for preschooler ideas.)   In my opinion, if there are sensory/motor issues behind social anxiety, you’ll never get the shyness to abate just by tackling them psychologically.  They need skills and desensitization too.

Chores/Milestones Your Kids Can Actually Do

So the other night I was skimming through a very popular mothering book from the 70s, and I came across the chore section where—i am NOT kidding—”holding the wood” while Mom saws it was an example chore for a TWO year old.

Ok, so I am not sure WHOSE two year olds are ready for holding wood or helping saw, but it definitely isn’t mine.  And I am pretty sure the book wouldn’t have been published today with the AAP and that kind of suggestion!  Fearful as we all are

Now I am like many other moms who think the Culture of Fear has gotten out of hand (we have to say NUTS are included in Almond Joy bars, and all playground equipment is plastic and spongy now).  But I still don’t stoop to quite the amount of security that these co-authors had.  And yet, I wonder why our kids today are so dependent on us, as compared to the earlier days.  There must be a connection.  I always get a great laugh when I watch “The Patriot” and one of the stony-eyed militia men tells his curly red-headed five year old, “Look after your mother!”  That’s a sweet joke of course, but there WAS a day when twelve and thirteen year old boys actually were supposed to look after their mothers and work the farm when Dad was away at war.  Do you know any 12 or 13 year olds who could do that today?  Not many.

So while I am pondering this loss of maturity, I realize I’m not doing that much better in my own home.  When it comes to jobs, I have a tendency to do them myself because my kids seem so… so… dumb.  Sorry.  But they are!  They ask ridiculous questions, can’t see the obvious, and have less coordination than their PE teachers are aware of.  My own fault, no blame here.  Also two of them can’t read and two of them are very short for their age.  But I am looking to transfer ownership and responsibility to my young brood—to challenge them to pitch in and take care of their stuff—without assigning them jobs which involve saws or fire.

But what is age-appropriate these days?  What is expected?  (I should get some info from a person with a farm.)  But here is a list of chores/jobs that I have so far found to be age appropriate.  Each age differs SO much.  And gender and birth order makes a difference (My oldest are three boys).  And personality.  But here’s where we have so far been successful.  (I will add more jobs in later as I think of them).

3-4 year olds

• pick up own toys, including outside and bathtub
• clean up own crayons, play doh, puzzles, school materials
• put own dishes in dishwasher
• help water plants
• put laundry into piles (by color, category, or owner)
• choose own clothes, get dressed mostly by themselves
• gives everyone a placemat, napkin, spoon, etc
• helps put reachable groceries away
• puts stuffed animals, pillows back on own bed
• can “help” wipe, clean a mirror, use a dustpan, etc.
• runs things to the trash
• lays out food on plates, with prompting
• stacks things (cups, tupperware, etc)
• hangs own things on the frig
• turns TV on and off correctly, or other easy buttons

4-5 year olds

• organize their own backpack, bookshelf, closet
• puts things in the right folders, stickers in the right spots
• change a CD/DVD correctly (with training)
• work the basic remote buttons (with training)
• run things up and downstairs, to the right places
• put their own laundry away correctly
• dusts
• sets/clears table with help
• helps bring in light groceries
• can use automatic water/ice dispenser correctly (with training)
• helps plant flowers, garden
• helps clean out car
• holds a flashlight for you
• can plug and unplug more reliably

5-6 year olds

• wipe kitchen table off, use sponge without too much water or mess
• wipes most spills up ok
• sweep crumbs with a dustpan (well)
• brush own teeth (correctly, without supervision)
• buttons own shirts, snaps
• can help with laundry, using a stool
• puts mail in and retrieves mail, remembers flag (not on a crazy busy street)
• can put most groceries away, including the refrig/freezer correctly
• toilets without help anymore (except occasional emergencies)
• can change own clothing (dirty, wet, hot/cold) without prompt
• makes own bed
• straightens own blankets, folds blankets/towels
• can bring you over a hammer, screwdriver, etc. reliably
• helps a younger child with clothes or shoes
• can help a younger child at nighttime with an easy problem
• learns to put on own seatbelt
• can do a “loop” around our neighborhood sidewalk, on a scooter independently (not a busy street)

6-8 year olds

• comb own hair (correctly, without supervision)
• learns to tie shoes, harder clothes independently (i.e. belts, zippers)
• take ownership of dishes/dishwasher, plan ahead to run or not run
• folds laundry correctly, pairs and rolls socks, puts things on hangers
• sets own watch/clocks/timers
• can do assignments independently, coming back when it’s over or there’s a problem
• makes lists
• can change/replace soap, toilet paper, paper towels, etc. with a little prompting
• can (finally) assist in some minor home renovating projects =)
• can take own bath with slight, occasional oversight
• wipes a mirror, counter, or toilet correctly
• use a dustbuster, or canister vac with some help
• uses toaster and microwave correctly, with some supervision
• can ride a bike independently on our street
• can open and shut most car doors without incident

Oldest Child Syndrome

I am not huge on birth order theory, but now that my two best friends and I all have a bunch of boys, it seems clear that there really is something to the Firstborn Syndrome!

Perhaps you’ve seen it. You try so hard to do everything right with your firstborn, from the moment you find out you’re pregnant to all the crafts and classes they should experience when they’re three. You’ve prided yourself on having the right philosophy, suffering for doing good, making the transition from Non-Mom to Mom, and all of a sudden baby #2 comes along or your first starts meeting with playmates and it dawns on you…

My little one can’t share!

They also can’t wait their turn, let anyone else have the new toy, let anyone else have fun with the old toys, make the louder siren sounds, eat a cracker they don’t have, or generally avoid competition over everything. “Me First, Me Best, Me Most” is the name of the game. Jealousy and suspicion run high. But you’re not that way! That’s not what you modeled! What went wrong?

The problem is that your child is not able to Do Unto Others yet. He is not able to look at your behavior and think to himself, “That’s what Mom does with me. That’s what I should do with others.” That is too hard for even most teenagers to realize, let alone your three year old. Your firstborn is used to getting things first, best, and most because there’s never been anyone else to compete with. And assuming that YOU don’t act like a three year old =) how is he to know what other three year olds are going to expect from him?

I’ve had a tough time with this myself because our children are spaced closely together. And even though I have four small ones, my oldest is still the handful, still the one I am always correcting, and still the one I worry about most… Is he ever going to get it? I could never figure out why he had Firstborn Syndrome so badly when he had another sibling come along so early in life (by 15 months old). But now I realize that acquiring a sibling early in life as a toddler still cannot compete with growing up with others from Day One. When a person is born into life with others around that Mommy has to take care of, pay attention to, help, discipline, etc., it is truly a whole other experience. That is why subsequent children are critically different in the area of recognizing the role of others in their lives. They may be Type A personalities, fun, extraverted, bossy, or all kinds of other go-getting traits, but they will not be as socially/emotionally misunderstood as your Firstborn feels when he/she initially encounters significant others in their lives.

So how can you help this?

It can be hard, especially if you’re one of those moms who really tried to do everything right. You’ve respected your little baby, toddler, preschooler, and now they aren’t able to respect anyone else. You have to start turning their worldview around, slowly, from The World Exists for Me, to I am a Special Part of the World. In particular, you need to gently start inserting age-appropriate boundaries between them, you, and what they want. When they learn that not all words, toys, opportunities, and Mommy space is for them, but they have their own turns for attention, they will start balancing out. Make it a project for the year to raise consciousness about how they are making other people feel around them. Here are some things I’ve tried at home:

1. Make your firstborn talk to other children. Firstborns are notoriously grown-up oriented. They seem to ignore other children at times because grown-ups give out more praise and attention. So they interfere with other parent’s playtimes at the playground, take over your adult friends when they visit the house, and ask about what you said or did with everyone else. Some grown-up attention is warranted, of course, but the better strategy is to redirect your Leading Actor from talking to adults to talking to any children who are around, even babies. In our home, my firstborn wants to tell me everything from the dream he dreamed last night to the new word he just read to how his shirt is tickling his arm. Rather than try to teach him which things are important to talk about, I have switched to smiling and saying, “That’s interesting. Tell your brother (sister) about it.” His siblings are usually interested anyway! And it gets him out of the seek-Mommy-for-attention mode and into realism… his siblings usually don’t praise every achievement or coo over every wound.

Try this approach at the playground if your child is a drama queen or in your house when showing off behavior comes. Encourage your child even to talk to babies, whom they usually ignore because babies give no acknowledgment whatsoever. But it is healthy for your firstborn to adjust to a peer-centered world because it helps them get perspective (without guilt).

2. Adopt boundaries when you are talking or doing something with others. If your child, like mine, is all ears for every conversation in the house, adopt some nice maxim to let them know where their ears or input are not wanted. Sometimes I ask my firstborn, “Who is Mommy talking to?” when he wants to answer or comment on what I’m saying to a sibling. Or I say, “It’s between Mommy and Daddy” when my firstborn wants to ask or comment on what I told Daddy. If he persists, I say “Honey, Mommy is not going to talk about this with you.” or something slightly firmer. But always in a nice way… don’t foster bitterness.

3. Utilize time-out for real showing off behavior. When your firstborn has just a learned a new skill, any visitor becomes a prime audience. A little bit is ok, but if your four year old daughter is still plie-ing over your guests after about five minutes, or your kindergartner starts reading Green Eggs and Ham aloud for a second time, tell them they are wonderful but grown-ups are here to talk to grown-ups.  If they are truly interested in ballet and reading, they will happily move to a different room to do it.  If it is showing off, they will be upset.  Then the choice is: stay here and be quiet, or go to a different room and play.  No leeway.

4.  Have them look at the face of the offended party. When a young child hurts or rejects another child, they usually look at the ground. Or they go on their way as if nothing happened.  Don’t ever let them hurt someone else, even a baby, without stopping to pay proper attention.  Have them look at the face of the person with whom they ignored, stepped on, or stole from (or refused to share with), and go through a small dialogue about how they feel… “David, look at Matty. You hurt his feelings. See how he’s sad? He wanted to play trucks with you.”

5. Don’t ASK them questions like, “Don’t you want to share with Matty?” The answer is obviously no. Just gently command that they do so. “You should share with Matty. That’s the right thing to do. Come on, give him one of your trucks.” In my own house, assuming that my firstborn has more than one of his beloved item, if he can’t surrender one of them, he has to give all of them to me. But if this makes him happy, because it is out of spite, then I make him give them all to the other child for a short while. Only then can the child experience the pull that his toys (unreasonably) have on him. He has to learn that people’s feelings come first, that they trump that pull. If I do this with respect (not asking him to share something if it is brand new, or he just started playing with it, or only has one, etc.), then his conscience gets trained. He can try again later with the warning that he has to share his stuff.

Some people wonder about “forced” sharing.  It doesn’t make rational sense that making a kid share would cause them to want to.  But like all things with little kids, you can’t wait until they FEEL like sharing to share.  Some kids are sharers by nature, and this is wonderful.  But for those covetous ones who aren’t, the best way to get it in there is practice, practice.  If you start at 2 or 3, you’ll be surprised by the end of the year that they’ll probably get it.  A 4 or 5 year old starting can take longer.

6. Don’t foster possessiveness. Firstborns are notorious for feeling like others are invaders on their turf… they are using their cup, their slide, going to their school.  One way to help this is to try to avoid addictions or attachments altogether. I try not to let my oldest become addicted to anything that would make sharing harder than it is. No favorite cups, colors, toys, or foods. He has them, I mean, but I don’t cater to them… buying him MORE Lightning McQueen accessories, getting him his own personal dinnerware, or letting him carry around his Matchbox cars all day. This is almost anti-American =)  For my other kids, these basic things would probably be harmless. But for my firstborn, it just encourages possessiveness.

Also, watch your pronouns.  Try not to say “your” or “yours” unless it really is theirs, like their shoes, their hands, etc.  Don’t be weird, I mean, but use “the” or “our” for things which are collective property, especially movies, computers, furniture, toys, etc.  This will help enormously when you need to use something or another sibling/guest comes along.  It is important for little kids to know what things they need to protect anyway, and what things aren’t appropriate to share versus those that are.

7. Don’t allow upstaging or interruption. My oldest likes to talk louder so everyone can hear him, point out his own accomplishments…especially when a younger sibling is working hard on something he can already do, and race to sit by me if he sees someone else coming to get a spot. Gently, I expose his motives that he’s trying to keep someone else from getting attention, praise, or a space, and that other people need those things too. “Taking turns” seems to be the most helpful metaphor because that implies that he gets attention too, but just not at the same moment. (i.e. “Let Sally have her turn telling Mommy about the train, and then you can.”)  Personally, I believe it is ok to help older children learn the rule of letting younger children get what they want first, although there are some situations or children where it is not wise.

8. Give opportunities to help others and get praise for it. My firstborn is a natural director, so sometimes I give him service jobs that channel his controlling nature into something good. I look for things that he likes to do, that need to be done, and that the recipient benefits from, i.e. helping his little sister get her sandals on, going to see if the car is clean, teaching his brother the letter sounds.   This helps him see constructive uses for his personality but also practice seeing others’ needs. I try not to overpraise him for his work as much as play up how happy he made the recipient… “See her face? She is so happy that you got her shoes on! Now she can go play!”

9. Model sharing with him, in games if necessary.  Play turn-taking games, card games, or other exercises where you switch things.  Lots of little kids are really hesitant to let things go—their hands are always poised ready to grab—and this is something that needs practice.  You should do it one-on-one with him until he is sharing with you well… until he gets that with someone he loves, and can trust the sharing process, he won’t do it with others (who are not as trustworthy!)

10.  Put the shoe on the other foot in training exercises… Show him how it feels to be ignored, upstaged, taken from, beaten in a race, etc. Never ever be cruel, but consider some low-key narrated example for your little firstborn to actually feel bested so they can gain empathy for those they are besting. The best way to do this is to artificially replay the scenario that just happened, either with you playing the part your firstborn played and him playing the victim.  Or you can reenact with the two original parties in slow motion, narrating what happened.  You can have the parties switch positions as actors if necessary.  The point is not to enact revenge but to slow down and rehearse a situation that comes up a lot.

11.  Make him do the giving in normal situations. Make him give things to a cashier, take items upstairs to Daddy, give the baby his bottle, etc.  This makes letting go seem more natural.

12. Adopt some maxim you can use often like, “Let’s look at everybody” or “Think of others” whenever these situations come up. A 4 or 5 year old is definitely able to get the picture if you are saying this often, and while they probably can’t change their behavior on the spot, it will be planted in the back of their minds for later.

13. Community service or talking about giving things to others can go a long way too. Talking through how we give clothes away that we don’t need, making a casserole for a friend who had a baby, letting our neighbor borrow our CD, or wrapping up Christmas presents for kids who don’t have any, shows that giving is an easy, natural, and pleasant thing. All kids need to see this, and your firstborns most. Talking about all kinds of generous behavior as much as possible will give them the extra tools they need to internalize that type of message.

14.  Most Important: Make sure you are truly meeting your firstborn’s needs for love, possessions, and attention. Especially with siblings and playdates, they may legitimately feel lacking.  Or they may be scared of letting go of your attention, or of the position where they have the most attention by default.  Also, it is easy to fall into giving your child passive attention but not active.  Preschoolers and Kindergartners really need active talking with you where they knows you are paying specific attention and not needing to leave for some reason.  When you are confident that their love tanks are full, then you can be confident (and calm) during corrective activities.

The Dawdling Monster

Ahh, it has been too long since I wrote a post.  Probably because as all of you moms with little children know, a day can feel like a week, or a week can go by like a day.

But as I wait for my four, almost five-, year old to get down the stairs for breakfast, it dawns on me that this is the third child I have had to go through this stage: the Dawdling Stage.  My once efficient, independent, do-it-myself preschooler slowly turns into this lazy, haphazard, stare-at-each buttonhole kindergartner.  Somewhere between the ages of four and five, at least with all my boys, this has happened.

The Dawdling Monster eats your child up slowly, though.  One day before school, they are done WAAAY before they need to be and you have to finish packing the lunch and get to your child to read them a story or something before the bus comes.  But then, sometime later, you realize you have to keep getting up five minutes earlier, five minutes earlier, and five more minutes earlier, just to get them ready in time.  You’re flying out the door, forgetting the lunch, because your four or five year old has taken fifteen minutes just getting his clothes on.  Then ten minutes to eat a bowl of Cheerios.  And he’s wandering around without a care in the world.

So if this is you, take heart.  There’s not much you can do, and it’s not your fault.  All of my boys, with three distinct personalities and styles, have now gone through this stage, and I am realizing it occurs all on its own until about six years old.  Then, as the child becomes a first grader, if you’re diligent about family habits in general, it eventually subsides all on its own.  The six year old will pleasantly dress, brush their teeth and hair, and come down for his breakfast cereal before your four year old even gets his pajamas off.

But what’s the answer?  Well, I confess I am writing this post more for me, than for you.  I don’t have too many solutions yet.  I have tried different things and none of them totally worked.  I have tried taking back over the morning or evening routines: taking their clothes off for them, putting their shoes on, etc., and that only made them upset.  Because they could obviously do those things themselves.  I tried setting timers before I made my move on them, but that didn’t work either.  Or telling them they had ten minutes to clean up before dinner would be ready, etc.  They would get so upset, though, trying to beat the timer, and usually not do things right or thoroughly.  I tried manipulating the schedule just to give them more time, but they always take up as much time as I give them.  This is particularly pronounced at bedtime when the routine consists of multiple different parts: cleaning up, washing, pajamas, etc. When I had four kids under four, it used to take about 30 min.  Now, it takes about 90, or longer if I hide behind a book until they’re done all on their own.

We now start getting “ready” for bed just after dinner is over, at 6:00!

I have also tried rewarding them all for finishing early or on time.  I have tried competitions, with rewards for the team that is first to clean up, get in the bed, etc.  (That only creates heartbreak for the losers, or resentment at the slow team member assigned to the faster one.)  I have tried checkpoints, i.e. “Tell mom when you’re done dressing…” and harping at them, i.e. “Come ON, we’re late!”  I have even tried (just one time) the threat of, “If you can’t get those shoes on by the time your other brothers are ready, we’ll leave without you.”  (Which we did.)  That seems to have only produced perpetual fear in my now six-year old that we’ll potentially leave without him any time we’re going somewhere.  The only thing I haven’t tried yet is giving my child a watch to time themselves.  But knowing my boys, they would just have another thing to get distracted over (they LOOOVE machines and buttons).

So I have pretty much decided to stop fighting it.  It’s really not an issue of confusion or changing things, it’s just nature.  When my third little boy entered this stage, I realized it for what it was.  Pretty much like the No-No stage.  That doesn’t mean it’s not frustrating!  He once used to blow right through an alphabet worksheet, and now that he’s starting kindergarten and learning to read, I feel like he suddenly acquired a massive case of ADD.  He stares at each letter, then into space, then back at page, then at the binding of the workbook, then his pencil with some shavings still stuck on the tip, and fingers them while saying, “uhh… “Spot?”  But while I roll my eyes a lot, I’ve stopped fighting it.  Hopefully he’ll follow in his other two brother’s footsteps of picking up the pace a little when he turns six.  Now I remember why I don’t teach kindergarten!

Play Therapy

What is play therapy, and how do I do it?

If your child is on THE SPECTRUM or delayed in other ways, you’ve probably heard of “play therapy” by now.  Play therapy became popular in the 80s and 90s as professionals found out that getting down on the carpet with their autistic-type 2yr olds, and engaging them, actually made progress.  You’d think this would be obvious, but it wasn’t something that the professional community had necessarily thought of before—at least, not given at regular doses like “therapy.”  Before that, professionals were… well, professional.  They sat in chairs and had nice offices with toys, but they administered tests, tried verbal exercises, and had children do activities mostly in chairs and desks.  Not exactly the comfort and freedom a child is used to.

Early Intervention is essentially “play therapy,” often mixed with speech therapy.  A trained special ed person comes to your house and plays with your little guy for about an hour.  She has a bag of toys with her and knows what’s she’s doing, but it is essentially play to engage your child with his or her weaknesses right where s/he’s most comfortable… on the living room carpet. Genius, right!

Well, the good news is you can do play therapy yourself too.  If you suspect your child is having developmental problems, if you know they do, or if they don’t but you’re just looking for some more educational time with them, play therapy is a great option.

For the bible on the subject, check out Stanley Greenspan’s book (http://www.amazon.com/Engaging-Autism-Floortime-Approach-Communicate/dp/0738210943/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1250945781&sr=1-1 ).   But if you don’t have time for that kind of thing, here’s basically what you need to do. (For ages 0-5).

1) Pick a space and time to do it.  Mostly for you so you’ll stick with it, but also because the routine will minister to your child if they are hostile to the idea at first.  Most kids love one-on-one time, but some don’t!   Make sure it’s a nice comfortable place with space to play.  Also make sure it’s not a naturally grumpy time for your child.

2) Set aside some special toys for the time. You don’t have to spend a fortune at Toys R Us, but do consider getting some things that will make the playtime special and familiar.   And imaginative since that is usually an area most playtime kids have trouble with.  Sometimes this means just some props that you think of using a dozen different ways (i.e. a paper towel tube).  Sometimes this is a favorite toy that a child will love going back to (i.e. a little Bob the Builder set or Dora figures).   There is merit in some of those toy companies like Imaginarium and Alex that make educational toys for kids, but use your own judgment.  (Try not to pick anything too complicated or messy, which will discourage you or your child from wanting to do it again!)

Also, check out a book like Jane Oberlander’s “Slow and Steady, Get Me Ready” (http://www.amazon.com/Slow-Steady-Get-Me-Ready/dp/159160236X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1250945678&sr=8-1 ) Her book is based on daily different activities you can do with ordinary household items.  You can incorporate a couple of these into your routine and change them out as necessary.  Love it, love it.

3)  Start with about 10 minutes for a reluctant child and work up to about an hour.  Start a couple times per week (i.e. MWF) and work up to every day (or even twice a day) depending on the severity of your child’s diagnosis.  Think of it like little doses of preschool.  It is the concentrated attention regularly that constitutes “therapy” just like at a real therapist’s office.

4)  Ok, just start playing with your child. Bring out one toy and set them in front of it, to see what they’ll do.  This is child-guided play where you facilitate.  Don’t jump in with your whole script and ideas.  You’re “peering” here.  And you’re building off what your child does.

It helps to have some goals in mind before you start, so know whether your focus is going to be physical, emotional/social, imaginative, language, memory, etc.  Your child may have a combination of goals, but try to target no more than two in a session.  When your child gets frustrated with a toy or can’t use it, then try another.  Don’t go through your props like you’re trying to please the child’s whims, but don’t exasperate them either.  You’re going to eventually spend time with everything you’ve got, so do some stretching.

5)  Engage their attention. Play therapy is especially good for children with social, emotional, attention, and empathy problems.  They may not recognize or want you there in their space, and that’s fine.  That’s part of the therapy.  What you want to do is engage them, or sometimes gently confront them, especially if they are autism spectrum.  If they jump their little horse up and down, you jump yours up and down near them.  If they get stuck spinning wheels, you crash your little car into them (gently) saying “Vroom vroom!”  Try to get them out of their world and into yours.  If they’re verbal but hostile to you, or turn away, aim for the gentle but stubborn approach.  It helps to do this in a room where you can close the door so they can’t run away.  Make sure you hide other toys too, so they can focus on you and the props you have chosen.

6) Use toys vicariously, to get them to verbalize their experience. If they don’t talk, this might be one of your main goals: to get them to “talk” with their pieces. There are some ways to play with toys if your child is having trouble with language or imagination that I have listed in other posts on speech.  This is the first level of play therapy, to get them to be verbal. (i.e. please keep in mind that age-appropriate speech varies widely, and you shouldn’t be making speech a huge goal if your child is under two.)

The second level of play therapy occurs when your child becomes (or is already) verbal.  Now you want to use their toys as “counselors” or “mouthpieces.”  Don’t talk to them directly, use your piece.  Get them to talk back with their piece.  Kids will tell you all kinds of things if you let them talk through their pieces, about all kinds of things that upset them.  You can also teach all kinds of things through your pieces that they wouldn’t listen to you, their mom, about.  Now the playtime isn’t a teaching time, it’s an understanding time.  But a good therapist DOES use toy “mouthpieces” therapeutically, say to discuss the toilet or a source of a bad dream, etc.  Use your imagination.  Keep it pretend and in the realm of playing a game.   And if you’re going to teach or talk about something, stick to one theme per session so the child doesn’t feel lectured.

Hooray!  You’re a play therapist!

Feeding: Schedule or Demand?

As a mom of four children under 5yrs old, I have recently re-reflected on this issue and found it funny that this one question practically dominates the pregnancy literature on child-raising. If I could do it all over again and talk to my pre-mommy self who was furiously researching babies and motherhood, the one thing I would tell myself is: THERE ARE BIGGER QUESTIONS OUT THERE THAT YOU SHOULD BE STUDYING!

I say this partly tongue-in-cheek.  Obviously I know how important properly feeding a baby is, and it definitely seems for the first couple months that all you do with a newborn is feed it! (Especially if you nurse.) There are lots of sleepless nights and crying times where the first natural question that pops in your mind is, “Did I feed him enough? Is she getting what she needs?” And of course, lots of times you don’t really know.

So I wrote a review for the controversial “Babywise” book on Amazon and I have put some feeding points  below. But just so you know, the demand versus schedule feeding question truly is one of a larger parenting philosophy choice.  It is not solely about what you do in the feeding arena.  Thus the passionate controversy.

The reason why the feeding question is so heated is because people are pushing an entire parenting approach: child-centered or parent-centered. Enter the vehemence. On one side of the debate are Dr. Sears, the AAP, neo-Spock, and the most widely read baby literature from your bookstore.  They recommend “attachment” parenting which includes a whole range of practices designed to make your babies feel more secure.  Actually, I think they make the parent feel more secure, not the baby!  But they basically want your parenting to revolve around the child, as policy-maker.  On the other side of the debate are Ezzo, Ferber, Hogg, and many old-school writers.  They recommend the parents be the policy-makers.  So the question is not so much how often you feed your baby (or whether you bottle-feed or nurse) as much as it is: How much will you allow your children to decide what they need for themselves in life?

Since I have just raised four toddlers back to back, I would submit to you that you as a parent better become comfortable being in charge and deciding what your children need.  Even as babies.  Eventually they will know what they need and communicate this to you, but for now you are teaching them to recognize and communicate these needs.  I promise you they do not already know this themselves. If they knew how to parent themselves, they would “up and leave” like the entire animal kingdom babies do after a short observation period of the adults. You have a bigger brain, more experience, more love, and more intuition to understand your little creature.  You shouldn’t ignore the communication coming from your child, but you as the adult will have to do the interpreting.  Starting with hungry cries.

So back to feeding. What’s funny is, I would submit that 95% of new moms, whether they are child- or parenting-centered advocates, probably still feed their tiny babies pretty much the same… A lot!!!  Only 5%, the real radicals who still feed by the old 4hr by-the-clock routine or idolize the La Leche attached-to-your-chest routine, probably cause significant differences in the amounts that go into their babies’ tummies. And, if you have a good pediatrician who watches these things, as well as some good ol’ common sense yourself (as the main diaper changer), you can avoid extreme over- or under-feeding.

So here’s what I’ve learned so far about feeding:

• Nursing does make a baby need to eat more frequently than a bottle-fed baby (Ezzo is wrong). Nursing babies, in the beginning, tend to eat every 2.5-3.5 hrs. A bottle-fed baby tends to eat more like every 3-4hrs.
• If nursing goes well, it tends to create the ultimate bonding experience between mom and baby (La Leche is right). If it doesn’t go well, it can create some of the worst feelings ever (La Leche doesn’t tell you this).  It is probably best to stop so bitterness/frustration doesn’t work itself into the early stages of the mom-baby relationship.  There is no need to be super-mom around the nursing issue if it is causing stress–it’s not worth it!
• Nursing tends to make babies more attached to their moms than their dads. Bottle-fed babies should take advantage of being mommy-free to eat with Dad for more bonding time.
• Nursing is cleaner but harder for many, at least to get started.  If your baby is not a great nurser in the beginning, he or she will usually get it by six weeks old.  Try not to give up before this point if you’re wanting it to work out.
• Breast pumps can be really helpful to regulate high or low milk supply.  Especially if the baby prefers one breast over the other or doesn’t finish feedings a lot.  Very common.
• It is impossible to keep most newborns awake during a feeding. Try, try, try. This will prevent you going back to the bottle/breast every single time he or she cries because you think he’s hungry.  Sometimes I had to unlatch my babies and lay them on the floor to wake them back up.
• The first week or two of a newborn’s life is crazy. Do whatever you want in the feeding/sleeping territory–you can’t ruin anything for the future this young.
• Most eating issues stabilize around 9-12months when the child is more clearly able to express his needs/desires concerning food.  This is also when the digestive system stabilizes to be more like that of an adult.  They still need formula or breastmilk because they can’t absorb nutrition from solid food like an adult can.  But being able to eat some applesauce and a graham cracker a day makes a baby’s tummy much easier to deal with =)

The above points are just guides, not gospel. My main point is, that most moms probably end up feeding their babies an ok amount with either a demand- or scheduled approach.  Just know that demand-feeding can quickly become demand-parenting which is why it is a more perilous path.

 

Self Esteem

Ok, I have a confession to make.  For my first two sons, I fell into the self-esteem trap of parenting.  You know, the “you can’t praise too much” trap?  Or sometimes it is said, “Make sure you give 10 good remarks for every 1 negative one.”  I really thought the more I heaped on praise, the better my children would feel about themselves.  Or at least I thought, if I avoided a lot of corrections, they would.

Turns out, I was wrong.  Like most moms, I sheltered my firstborn and he is now the most bitter and grumpy of my children.  Actually, he’s not too bad but in comparison to my third and fourth children, there’s no comparison to be made.  They are always happy, and my first is always needing a pick me up.  My second born is not too much better although he has a melancholy temperament (and always has) so I try not to take his sadness too seriously.

Nowhere can this be seen more clearly than in my typical homeschooling routine.  I have just started homeschooling in the last two years, and my kids follow a predictable line up: my firstborn starts off well but usually gets grumpy and frustrated with work, my second born is not totally happy but is very excited when he gets to do something “bigger” that his older brother gets to do (i.e. write a sentence!).  My third, who is only four and not kindergarten age yet, happily begs to work throughout the day.  And my fourth is too happy to care whether she gets a turn to work or not.   HA!

Some of this is surely typical of birth order and homeschool in general.  It’s hard to pioneer, it’s easier to follow.  And things become more fun with time.  But I am also sure that it is more than a homeschooling phenomenon… it’s kind of the same in every area of life.  Part of this is, I believe, due to the self esteem problem and the motivation style differences in my children.

For my firstborn, my husband and I were the typical parents cooing over the baby and over-obsessing about his developmental milestones.  He had some speech problems, so that made us all the more myopic.  We taught him and tutored him, we played games, we took him to specialists, he went to preschool etc.  And he had lots and lots of attention and praise.  Now at age 6.5, however, he is mainly externally motivated.  He’s motivated by praise and attention, but he has a hard time being happy when he doesn’t have it.  ANd like any child, the more they have, the more they want.  So school is difficult not because he doesn’t have enough character to stick with it–he does.  But it isn’t a joy to him, and that’s the hard thing.  Every parent wants their child to ENJOY learning, to be a reader, to get enthralled with some subject and just take off.  But he isn’t intrinsically motivated… yet.  He doesn’t see the thrill in making up a story, coloring a picture, or working on a project.  He just wants to get it done and then it’s over.  He likes learning of course, because he likes to be smarter than everyone else.  I think it makes him feel good to know things (as real self esteem should!).  But he doesn’t like or embrace the path to getting there.  It’s a battle.

In fact everything in his life is like that… if it’s not being monitored, it falls apart.  Very conditional, externally motivated ethics.  My second born, whom we did not lavish attention on, is slightly better adjusted.  But because he too had some special needs as a preschooler (sensory issues), he is also very hard to praise.  He has pretty good intrinsic motivation actually, and loves to get into science, art, or English.  But when I try to make him feel better about himself, it never works. I  can praise and praise.  I can encourage and encourage, and it doesn’t seem to make a difference. At 5.5yrs, he has a particularly salient perfectionism problem, and it is hard to get him to be happy with what he does.  It was like that when he was two and struggling with physical milestones, and all the praise in the world from me did not seem to convince him in his inner thoughts.  He’s mildly unconfident that what he does is good enough.

Now we come to my third and fourth children who, while they are far from perfect, are much more functional.  At least in the self-esteem department. I’ve never made an effort to praise them over and above—in fact, I’ve never worried about it—and they’re healthier!  They don’t seem hung up like their counterparts.  And I am sure letting the self-esteem education is part of it.  I’ve learned that the self-esteem really has to come from within.  It can’t be GIVEN or forced by an external party.  And in order for teh self-esteem to come from within, it has to be related to things the child can do for themselves.  So the more my children can do for themselves independently, the happier they are about it and the more intrinsically motivated they are to do it.  If I am happy about it too much, then I usurp their own happiness about it.  If I motivate it too much, then I usurp their motivation to do it.  There is a certain distance or disattachment that is important to healthy self esteem development.

That doesn’t mean I can be neglectful.  Being a passive and aloof parent will not yield a child who feels loved and praised.   But there is a certain KIND of distance which is very important to give a child, which I apparently did not give to my firstborn.  I tried to give it to my second born more, but he was hung up in a stage where he felt inept, and that went counteracted fora  long time.  So the kids have to experience victory for themselves, and they have to even initiate these victorious things.  The problem with my firsborn is that he doesn’t initiate things for himself—I have to be the initiator—so he can’t feel as happy about it.  That is one cycle of external motivation that is hard to break.  The areas where I don’t have any input (i.e. his lego building) tends to be the areas where he really excells and has his own fun.   ANd the more I push him to learn, even though he resents it at first, eventually becomes points of victory for him too because he gets more competence as he learns.

So it’s a tricky thing, but I just wanted to pass on the small bits of wisdom I’ve so far learned the hard way =)

Accidents (Wet Pants)

Do you have a bedwetter?  I have a little four year old who has had trouble mastering the fineries of toilet training.  Not a lot of trouble, but just enough that when I drop him off in a kids class, I am wondering whether he’ll be embarrassed that no other kids in there need spare shorts and underwear in their cubby.

He’s got a couple problems.  One, he still thinks he’s a victim of his pee pee =)  I’m not sure if he realizes that he controls his own muscles, but at least he talks like he’s not sure about that.  “It just came out” he’ll say.  So while he has good bladder control (he only needs to go to the bathroom about six times a day), he sometimes doesn’t make it to the bowl.  He has a lot of those accidents where he’s standing in front of the toilet but the pee pee came before he could aim.

He still also wets the bed.  Not a lot, but about once a week or a couple times a month.  Sometimes he has just some “off” days where he has a couple accidents in a row and then he’ll go two weeks without one.  Having helped a different child of mine through sensory processing disorder, I chalk this up to the brain’s differences each day.  I never realized how much just one day can make things “on” or “off” for a preschooler.  So I understand that to be normal for a still-developing child.

That said, it still is frustrating!  Who likes cleaning carpets and sheets all the time?  Who likes walking into their child’s room with that familiar but pungent smell of urine in the morning?  Worse still, my four year old is embarrassed!  He’s not so self-consciuos as a first grader would be, but he still HATES wetting himself.  Or getting a little bit of stool in his pants.

So here’s some things we’ve adopted that have helped a little bit.

1) Make sure your carseat is water resistant and easy to take off.  (We’ve been using the Graco booster)

2)  Make sure the child’s mattress is waterproofed.  The easiest thing to get is one of those $5 plastic mattress protectors at Walmart.  The plastic is soft enough that the kids don’t mind sleeping over it, and then you can just use a Clorox wipe post-accident.

3)  Keep the child out of socks.  Nothing makes cleaning up accidents worse than urinated socks.  Plus, it ends up making more places on your carpet you have to clean.  (Some people make the same argument for shorts and swear by sweatpants for accident-prone kids.)

4) Keep a sticker chart for awhile.  My little guy was having trouble recognizing if he was going through a problem season or having a good season.  So we kept a chart so he could see if he was doing well or not.

5)  Reward and punish as appropriate.  I don’t believe in punishing accidents as a rule since a lot of training is biological and takes practice.  But since the accidents mainly started a couple months after toilet training was successful, my husband and I now use some kind of positive and negative reinforcement at times.  I give my guy a jelly bean if he wakes up dry or has some kind of small victory like clean underwear for the day, and I take away his special Lightning McQueen blanket if he has an accident overnight (mainly because it’s so puffy that I hate washing it!).   You can use the excuse like “Lightning McQueen HATES getting wet.  He wants to stay away until he knows his paint will stay dry.”  He then has to wake up dry for 14 days in a row to get it back.   If he goes 14 days without a daytime accident, I let him go to a special kids club on Wednesday nights that my older boys go to.  (Mainly because the teachers there aren’t equipped to deal with toileting problems).

6)  Probably doesn’t need to be said but, baths every day.  A new toilet trainer or accident-prone child really ought to have a bath every day until they have a strong record of handling their own bums in private.  Also teach washing hands after EVERY trip to the toilet.  I used to make my boys only wash after a bowel movement (mainly because it seemed like they were always peeing), but I have learned with my third boy that their hands rest everywhere when they go to the toilet… like they hold onto the bowl to balance while they get their pants back on, or the sink.  They might inspect their underwear to see if it’s dry but their might be a small stool mark in there from not wiping all the way, etc etc.  Plus, it’s good practice for being in public when they should wash every time anyway.

Spend a good amount of time teaching good washing habits and you’ll have a lot less worry in your life. (NOTE: it’s perfectly normal for little kids to wash too long, use too much water, too much soap, etc.  Don’t stress it until about a year later.)   Make sure they can wash without your help or it will be too annoying.

Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD)

With the exception of branding our preschool boys autistic, nothing makes me madder than a diagnosis of Oppositional Defiant Disorder.  This is one of those retroactive “syndromes” that describes a child’s problem rather than lists a cause.  Getting a diagnosis does little more than relieve you that a professional thinks your child is as bad as YOU think s/he is.

I don’t say this because ODD isn’t real.  It is real.  I have seen the videos where clinical psychologists interview bunches of young children and diagnose some of them with this disorder.  The children are generally younger than you’d think (i.e. 4, 5, 6), violent, swearing, and have a fascination with things that they shouldn’t.  They are precocious, smart-aleck, psychologically astute.   They generally cannot stay seated in the psychologist’s chair, they may spit or verbally attack the professional, and they often make physical motions or get too close for comfort with their caretaker (like getting in their face, literally).

So it’s real.

That said, it’s an awful diagnosis—not worth getting, if you’re wondering.  Now i”m not talking about older children, like teens adopted out of the foster care system, etc.  I am talking about your unhandleable preschooler or kindergartner.  Now regular kids of this age can stretch you to your limits, so be careful how sensitive you are to this!  ODD is an extreme form of disobedient repertoire, and one that an overtaxed parent or teacher might not understand.  But if your child is suspected to have ODD, remember that for the most part, ODD at a young age is something that is created, not there at birth.  Now you may very well remember your baby being difficult from birth!  I am not saying that they weren’t a grumpy baby, or a colicky one, or hostile to affection, etc.  But children do come out of the womb grumpy.  They don’t come out ODD.

A really great book for those experiencing mild ODD with their young child is The Pampered Child Syndrome by Maggie Mamen.  http://www.amazon.com/Pampered-Child-Syndrome-Recognize-Professionals/dp/1843104075/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1250600538&sr=8-1 .  This book outlines a lot of ODD behavior but without the label and stigma.    Basically what it comes down to is that a permissive parenting style (mixed with your child’s unique temperament) can create a pampered, bratty child who is characterized by a lack of response to authority—the same major criterion of ODD.  We’re not just talking about the bratty children on Jo Frost’s Supernanny show… these children mainly suffer from a lack of childtraining.  But we’re talking about the next level of difficulty… children who actually don’t seem to recognize authority for what it is.  An ODD or ODD-leaning cihld is not very different from an autistic or Asberger’s child in that they have to be taught to recognize the context of structure, authority, obedience, etc.  They won’t pick it up on their own.  Although here is the good part—they are ABLE to pick it up, it is just that they choose not to.

So that is where you, as the parent, come in.  Your job is to take back the job that was stolen from you.  If your child is 6 or under, you’re lucky because it can be done.  You can use small child behavior modification  tactics that will help a lot.  (Get a season of Supernanny on DVD anyway, just for tips and impartation).  But the main thing you need to do is not enforce time-outs per se, or adopt some parenting trick.  What you need to do is examine yourself.  Examine your sense of boundaries and consider if you have codependent attitudes.  While a spouse might withstand codepedency, a child relationship will not.  Consider why it is hard for you to say no, disappoint someone, let someone not be rescued.  Consider if and how much you draw life from making others happy, or if you overesteem your own relationships in general (i.e. Do you idolize being a mother, wife, etc?).  If any of these kinds of characteristics typify you, as they do in some degree for all mothers, then seek help for yourself first.  Otherwise it will break your heart to do what you need to, in order to rescue your ODD child.

The main problem with the ODD child is the invisible dynamics in the household.  It is the subtext, the unspoken.  This atmosphere is mainly made up by your feelings and beliefs about yourself as a person and parent.  They have to change in order for your child to change.  That is why the kids on the Supernanny show mouth off to their parents but they never mouth off to Jo.  It is because of the spirit of conviction and authority that comes with her.  This is what is right, and what you need to develop.  If you can’t stand that idea, or you think that it’s wrong to be an authoritative (not authoritarian) parent, then this is where Step One begins.   Step One is over when you realize that the results you’re getting in your ODD child is the logical extension of your emotions and beliefs.  It’s not random and you’re not a victim. You have a lot of power in this relationship, power to influence your child for good.  And you’re going to have to use it!

When you finally finish Step One, you’re ready to start boundaries in your home.  You’re ready to stop the welfare state—where you do all the work and the kids just receive.  The sense of entitlement your ODD child has is partially what’s making him or her bitter at authority.  They have to get rid of that entitlement feeling in order to respect authority, limits, work, or whatever thing they hate.  When the bitterness is out, a lot of the anger will go with it.  And so will any depression or anxiety they likely also have.

“Your son might be Autistic… or he’s just a boy.”

http://www.childrenshospital.org/dream/summer09/arresting_autism.html

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/26184891/#30009205

Does anyone else think this kind of thing is a tragedy?  These kind of clips embody what’s wrong in the world about autism right now.  Now just FYI, my children and I actually took part in this exact study mentioned here in the videos (i.e. the Infant Sibling Project in Boston.)  So I am not speaking flippantly.  I have experience with this field, with the kinds of experiments done, and even some of these researchers now.  I also have a child with whom I was sucked into this autism scare tactic before I knew better.

*

I have written a lot of posts which touch on this subject so I’m not going to repeat myself much here.  But I am just fuming these days over the mothers in these clips who feel better now that their oldest boys have a diagnosis.  There is a reason why those maxims that “he’s just a boy” or “he’ll outgrow it” are true.  Because it’ true.  There’s a whole crop of children out there (many of whom are eldest boys) who grow up with these delays and social awkwardness.  The symptoms are real.  The delays are real.  But labeling them all autistic is inaccurate.  Mothers are now being torn apart by, yet strangely taking comfort in, this diagnosis.  Maybe because now the confusion is gone, the fears are validated, and there is an action plan?  But the stigma is now on the child and it will take about six years of weirdness to outgrow.  That is, IF all the years of therapy, IEPs, and parental weirdness doesn’t fulfill the prophecy.

After going through this myself with my oldest, I still get upset when mother after mother who tells me the story of their preschool pathologizing their little boys.  “He’s developmentally delayed,”  “He’s socially awkward,”  “He’s not communicating,” “He’s not following directions.”  “Maybe he’s PDD-NOS.”  Except for the diagnosis of Oppositionally Defiant Disorder, there is probably nothing which irritates me more than all these little boys being put on THE SPECTRUM (the autism spectrum that is).

Now don’t get me wrong.  I am not against preschools, I am not against early intervention, I am not against special ed, and I am not against autism research.  I have a classically autistic cousin.  I’ve seen it, and I’ve seen how much the special education sector has helped her.  They’ve given her a quality of life she probably wouldn’t have had otherwise.  So I am not against more attention being given to autism and autism-like disorders.  I think this is awesome.

What I AM against is the constant confusion of gender with autism.  And I bet if I knew more girls having the problem, I would broaden my position (I just don’t know of many yet).  It is simply the case that many boys have the tendency to develop later, more awkwardly, less socially, less verbally, less imaginatively.  This does not put them on THE SPECTRUM.  It makes it important to teach boys these things.  It makes gender and birth order more important than the personality icons they currently are.

First of all, there is a cultural schizophrenia going on in our culture about boys.  On one hand, gender doesn’t matter and girls and boys are put together in the same daycare, preschool, and kindergarten classrooms like they’re all the same.  But on the other hand, boys will be boys and people treat girls and boys accordingly.  Expecting a little girl to fold her hands and sit quietly, for example (many don’t).  Or expecting boys to be wild and ill-mannered (many are not).  It isn’t just the difference between professionals and playground moms… both attitudes often come from the same people.  Boys make moms throw up their hands in irritation as they make silly faces, get into things, and generally act as though they’re in their own social universe.  So we reinforce boyhood stereotypes sometimes… but we don’t usually TREAT boys differently than girls.  In our egalitarian society, that’s not kosher.  (The same kind of argument can be made for girls, for that matter).  We may harbor more resentment toward boys—studies have shown that teachers and strangers tend to elicit more positive responses from girls—which is totally unhealthy of course.  But we still throw them in the same classrooms and have the same developmental timelines.

I think this is ridiculous.  First of all, boys and girls seem to have very different experiences of life, even as children.  Some of the stereotypes exist for a reason.  In my house, the boys generally respond to action and consequences–my daughter responds to words.  The boys are motivated by something to do, the girl is motivated by someone to be with.  The boys like things that do something cool, my girl likes things that are cute or pretty, or fit a certain function.  The boys always want to know why, or do things better if they understand why; my girl could care less. My boys are more innocent–charming, sweet, inclusive.  My girl is pickier, shyer of strangers and men, and more skeptical of what you want her to do.  My boys don’t tend to deduce things very well—they need things explained logically, step by step, and they won’t fill in blanks if they don’t know the answer (i.e. if I say a word they don’t know, they have no idea what I’m talking about; if I tell them something is in the dresser but it’s actually under it, they won’t look or notice).  My girl takes more time, liberty, and pretty much deduces exactly what I’m talking about, even if I’m using new vocabulary.  She hardly ever asks what something means.  My boys process one thing at a time, individualistically, and very much in context.  My girl processes multiple things, in relationship, through words and can generalize to different contexts naturally. She is the only one of the four (she is 2.5 yrs old, and my oldest son is almost 7 now) who will correct what I’m saying if I don’t guess right the first time (i.e. “not squish, Mom… smush“).  The distinctions come earlier.

So boys definitely process things differently than girls.  It is partly a matter of brain activity, which shows that boys use the non-verbal side of their brains more than girls (who use the verbal).  And that boys develop prefrontal cortex activity later than girls, who use more of their brains earlier.  Some differences are hormonal too, although not much is usually said about pre-pubescent hormones to state definitively.  But in my opinion, from comparing my three boys to my one girl, the main thing I see is that my girl demands attention.  There is no way of getting around her because she’s in my face all the time, talking, bouncing, sharing.  My boys have the tendency to be underfoot, for sure, but they tend to be less sure or confrontational about what they need… I have to notice myself and initiate.  (i.e. sometimes my oldest needs more hugs but he’d never realize that himself or solicit it).

Actually this last example is interesting because I have noticed that my little girl has had more talking and touching in her first two years than my boys probably had in theirs.  Not because I favored her but because she’s always here talking to me, trying to talk to me, trying to look in my eyes and get her to notice her, move her, get her something, etc.  My boys had the normal amount of touching when they were babies of course, but did not elicit the same talking and touching needs as my girl… so I probably did not give it to them.  I am speaking in generalities of course, but to this day I wonder what would have happened if I gave my boys the same talking and touching that my daughter has received (because she demands it).  My oldest might still have had language trouble, and my second might have had sensory problems, but I bet they would have been less severe.  I bet I would have overrun their personal boundaries to fix it—in comparison to the kind of uncertain, reticent posture I had when I was first figuring out how to discern and confront my little boys’ weaknesses.  My daughter has taught me that her overrunning my personal boundaries makes sure she got the stimulation she needed.  Because my boys didn’t approach me in that way, and I did not approach them that way, they may have suffered… at least a little.

I think it continues past the age of three too, since girls tend to be more relational, social, verbal.  This ensures they continue to get the attention and practice they need to engender more skills in these areas.  Boys are often off and away from people at 4, 5, 6… they’re careening around the playground and playing swordsmen, etc.  They aren’t usually interacting with mom about what kind of pretty butterfly they saw and how they need some lemonade.  And do we think they should?  Do we counteract that?  Of course not… we usually reinforce what is natural to them.  But then should we be surprised at the different results?  I am speaking again in generalities of course, but just to make the point: nature plays a role, and then nurture nurtures the nature =)

So I think more research on gender needs to make its way into the mainstream.  I am sure there are all kinds of gender-based studies which have been done that do NOT point to androgynous developmental charts.  But because we can’t segregate our classrooms or playgrounds (nor I am advocating that), there is little point in popularizing this line of thought.  But in the meantime, when experts tell you that your preschool boy is language delayed, socially awkward, or possible on THE SPECTRUM, remind yourself that he could be autistic… or he could just be a boy.

My Child is Three–should she be reading yet?

If you didn’t catch the sarcasm in this title, this post is for you!

I don’t mean this to be rude—it’s just that with the advent of Baby Reading videos and the cutthroat path of getting your kid accepted to kindergarten, parents start worrying that Johnny and Jane aren’t reading WAY too early these days.  And I don’t say this because I don’t believe in teaching little kids to read… all of my posts on reading should tell you that.  But I say this because I now have six-, five-, and almost four-year old in the house (all boys) and they are at very different stages in the educational arena.  A six year old is not a five year old, is not a four year old.   So everyone who is running around trying to get their four year old to be “kindergarten ready” may not fully appreciate the nuances.

I myself used to think that there were more commonalities between four- five- and six-year olds.  I certainly knew they were different ages but I thought the early ages of 0, 1, 2, and 3 were more distinct.  I think this was probably reinforced by the idea of “early education” or “early child development” which usually refers to the ages 3 and under.  You see dramatic differences in your child, especially physically and verbally, from 0-3, but then once kids reach the age of four, they start to even out.  Most are talking and running around the playground pretty equally with kindergarten kids, so you start to think they’re the same.  Then when your kindergarten neighbor boasts that she can read “Blueberries for Sal” all by herself, you think, “Eek!  Jane is still not blending two sounds together!”  And you start to worry.

Stop worrying!

I am going to tell you the real truth here.  The thing no-one seems to be telling you these days is that four-years old IS the time of learning to blend.  As long as your three-year old knows all her letters and sounds by her fourth birthday, you are on track.  A four year old should be able to start fooling around with worksheets that utilize letter sound activities in different ways: initial consonants, ending consonants, short vowel sounds in the middle, etc.   He or she will probably recognize her name and some common three-letter words.  She may be able to spell three letter words verbally if you are emphatic—”spell WET.  WWEhhT.”  He may sound out three-letter words on the page with help but not on his own yet.  This is totally normal.  So is being able to read a word in one book (i.e. “help”) but not the same word in another book.  This is probably because the brain is still encoding what “help” really looks like.  Or the font is different enough to throw the child off.  So patience during this fourth year is the key.  The ability to blend the sounds together develops some time during this fourth year so that by the time the child reaches their fifth birthday, they will probably be reading three letter words all on their own if you just keep doing what you’re doing.  And if they are not, another six months (5.5yrs) will probably yield a Dr. Seuss reader (three to five-letter phonetic words all at once).

If you are still doubtful, consider why kindergarten magically begins at age 5.  Kids seem ready for it way before, right?  Part of the reason why kindergarten begins at age 5 is because age 5 is the normal time for kids to learn to read on their own.  And if a child is five-and-a-half before he enters kindergarten, he is actually at an advantage… the four-and-a-half year old who is sad because her birthday doesn’t make the cutoff will actually grow a significant amount in just one more year.  A handful of two and three year olds can read before they turn four, but that is uncommon.  Don’t take that as your guideline, even with all the pressure to do so.

At four years old, your child should also be developing SOME writing abilities.  Now when I say “some,” this is relative.  Some four year olds are very detail-oriented with fine motor talents.  They can write uppercase and lowercase letters pretty well.  Other four year olds are still using the salt tray to trace big capitals with their pointer finger.  This is still ok.  Or they may be able to draw a huge “A” with chalk but not on paper.  With practice, this should change around the fifth birthday–a five year old should be writing his letters on paper even though the size and spacing is probably all off and some letters will be reversed on occasion.  Remember the handwriting in Winnie-the-Pooh?  Where “WOL” is scratched over Owl’s doorpost?  That is the kind of handwriting your five-year-old will probably have for awhile.  Handwriting develops a lot in the fourth and fifth year.

S o just keep practicing.  What you’re really looking for is “correct” handwriting by the sixth birthday.  If your child enters first grade still not being able to print the letters right (and print on the line, with spacing, etc), he or she will be just slightly behind.  A six year old’s handwriting will still need work, though.  Penmanship (manuscript) should begin in the fifth year and continue onto the sixth to make sure that your child is forming the letters correctly.  Until this is mastered, hopefully by age seven, they are not ready for cursive (typically around 8 yrs old).  While there is not as much pressure for kids to write as early as they read, the pressure is still there—with cursive instruction sometimes being pushed in first or second grade.  In the old days, seven and eight year olds were still practicing proper pencil grip, paper position, and penstrokes in mid-air.  And the handwriting benefited.  So don’t succumb to perfect writing Nazis too early either.

**Note: So many people have asked me about Teaching Your Baby to Read videos.  While I don’t discourage them directly (anything educational for babies is fine), I don’t believe in them either.  I have never seen a baby reading—no point anyway since they can’t talk about it.  So I don’t think the results of baby videos are real reading.  Nor do I think they are healthy to expect.  Not only should babies be developing other things rather than reading during the infant stage, parents shouldn’t have hyper-educational expectations that early.  The one on one interaction time is great, the memory and sight-recognition is great.  But until I see a baby reading Dr. Seuss, I remain highly certain that real reading should and will take place sometime between four and six years old regardless of baby videos.

Nighttime Fears

It is very normal for kids 2-4yrs to have fears at nighttime…the dark, the shadows, the boogeyman, etc.  And little kids can be very creative in their fears!  My younger brother used to be afraid of trains coming in through his window!  I remember being afraid that my raincoat hanging on a hook in my room turned into a little girl who would come closer to me, to get me when I closed my eyes.  And my father confessed to being afraid of Captain Hook’s crocodile who swallowed the clock… he couldn’t stand any ticking sounds until he was about 10!  Knowing that times haven’t changed much, kids who watch Disney movies might be afraid of a particular villain living in their closet or visiting them in their dreams.  And lots of kids are afraid of alligators or monsters under the bed.

These things are totally normal.  But when the fears start interrupting “normal” sleeping habits, it is time to take action.  If you can intervene early, you often stave off fears getting worse.  However, be prepared that many fears don’t go away overnight.  They are largely outgrown with time.  But there are things you can do to manage nighttime fears.  Being practical and creative is the key.

1.  Adjust lighting. Some kids do well with nightlights, others don’t because the light creates more shadows which are scary.  Ask them.  Some kids like having a flashlight by their bed, which makes them feel powerful in the dark.  Or, get an energy efficient lamp and let them sleep with the light on.  Don’t be afraid that they’ll need it forever; when they’ve clearly outgrown the problem, they’ll probably want it off themselves.

2.  Add soothing music. Many stereos can be set on “repeat” and this is something to take advantage of if your child wakes up a lot during the night.  Lullabyes, some classical music, or kids songs CDs can be a distraction from fear when a child opens their eyes in the dark… they don’t hear funny sounds outside, and they tune into the words instead of letting their imaginations run wild.

3.  Add to the bedtime routine. For my brother who was afraid of trains coming in through his window (for no logical reason whatsoever), my mom invented the “Train Vanishing Spray” with a simple spray bottle and water.  She used to go around and spritz his window every night saying, “Trains, go away!”, before bedtime–even letting my brother do it.  A little bit of “magic” plus kid’s control can go a long way in making fears leave.  Try the “Vanishing Spray” for alligators under the bed, villains in the closet, or other things which are irrational.  If your child is trustworthy, you can even leave the bottle with them overnight to use if they wake up scared (most two year olds can’t handle this, but a 4 or 5 year old can).  Other things which work at the bedtime routine include saying a special prayer or chant, reading a “vanishing” story each night (you can make one up yourself that incorporates the child’s actual fear and conquering hero), or having Dad play “ghostbuster” for a couple minutes (with a special tool, or superhero complete with cape).  A prayer or chant works well because the child has something to say and try when they wake up by themselves in the middle of the night.  If you believe in God, tell the child that God is more powerful than any other bad guy on earth, and to ask God for help if they wake up scared.

4.   Add a stuffed animal or prop. Lots of kids start appreciating a stuffed animal friend at this age, if they are scared.  Maybe even a couple.  If you can play it up, that the animals will protect them and keep them safe, it can really work.  Try a stuffed lion or bear (that is big and looks cute).  Or you can employ a “magic” protection charm, like a flag over their bed, a canopy or bed tent, or a new monster-proof blanket on their bed.  Even magic PJs or underwear can make them feel safe.  These things have the added bonus of keeping little kids IN their bed because they think it’s the “home base” where they’re safe.  You want to make their environment cozy and personal.

5.  Add a person. If you have multiple siblings and are open to the idea, move someone else into your child’s room.  Even a baby can make them feel safer because lots of kids are just afraid of being alone when they wake up.  If the baby wakes the other child up a lot, it’s annoying but this can actually have a de-mystifying effect on nighttime… it seems like daytime, not so scary.  If you do not have  a sibling you can move in, consider reading in their room for 10 minutes while they try to fall asleep (don’t stay forever, though).  Then you can come in and visit them, kiss them, before you go to bed yourself.  We have found that our kids really enjoy these late night visits.  Sometimes they don’t even wake up, but sometimes they do and so they know Mommy and Daddy are still watching out for them at nighttime.  You can even put a picture of you and Daddy in their room, which is often very comforting.  Just your “presence” wards off the monsters.

6.  Evict all scary stuff out of their “diet.” I am so amazed at how little kids’ culture (even for 1-4yr olds!) is entrenched with fear elements–monsters, ghosts, witches.  Like it is supposed to be fun and healthy.  In reality, it is setting them up for bad dreams and fears because preschoolers may know (when they’re awake) that they are just pretend, but in the nighttime, that isn’t convincing.  And I promise you that they can’t be afraid about things they’ve never seen.  But how many kids can go through toddlerhood without being exposed to every kind of scary stuff?  And little kids are so visual—anything that looks scary on the screen or page can bother them.  This is attacking a sacred cow for some, but if your child is scared about something it is best to eliminate it even if it is inconvenient.  This includes favorite movies, shows, books, and characters.  Even the Halloween party, birthday clown, or visiting Santa if necessary.  A lot of moms and dads feel their kids need cultural icons, but I can promise you that taking even seemingly innocuous things out of my kids’ diet went a LOOOONG way towards keeping the bedtime fears low.  Now you can’t prevent a wild imagination (like trains through the window), but you can take out easy sources of fear: witches, dragons, ghosts, wizards, villains (even the beloved Nemo or Wall-E videos, who have scary elements), snakes, sharks, wolves, alligators, pirates, big fires, and “bad guys.”  Tons of kids shows have heroes with “bad guys” but if this is making your child insecure (i.e. they are having bad dreams), it might be worth taking it out for awhile.  Be protective.  Guard your child’s sensitivity.  They have lots of years in the future to enjoy media and make-believe.  Even if you think there is only a small chance that something is scaring your child, take it out until you are sure they can handle it.   There are plenty of friendly alternatives like Dora and Wonderpets to get addicted to =)

7.  Rehearse victory during the day. Have your child practice victory over their fears during the day.  This may include role-playing the superhero who can conquer ghosts and boogeymen.  Or it can include doing a room inspection (for your realists) and examining things that look scary in the dark.  Have them adjust things that seem creepy, like a hook on the wall or picture frame that casts a long shadow.  If your child has more phobic fears (i.e. non-imaginative, like the vacuum, trains, toilet), you can work on these during the day too.  But be aware that confronting their fears might cause worse bedtime experience.  Lots of kids’ nighttime experiences are related to their daytime experiences, even if the connection seems fuzzy.  But the more secure the child is during the day, the better that will translate over to nighttime.   It’s best not to rush it– it depends on whether you feel like confrontation will help your child or just make it worse.

8.  Examine other possible sources of stress. Again, children aren’t so linear that stress is contained… lifestyle stress can definitely be encouraging nighttime problems.  “Stress” for a toddler or preschooler is relative, though, so be sure to account for things which are objectively stressful (Mommy is struggling, Daddy lost his job, parents are fighting, etc) and subjectively stressful (child is having trouble toilet-training, preschool is difficult, he or she was forced to eat vegetables tonight).  By having an open mind and thinking about what a little child could be stressed about, you may be able to pinpoint strategies that will help reduce it… postpone the toilet, talk to the preschool teacher, skip the force feeding.  Some little children are very precocious and pick up on their parents’ stresses, so don’t be beyond having “adult” talk in private or putting on a happy face for awhile.  I am not saying to neglect your own health; I am saying that an astute 3-yr old can sense when things aren’t right.  A lot of times this precociousness shows in your preschooler asking big questions: “What happens when we die?”  “Are you going to go away, Mommy?” etc.  And watch the TV shows you are watching around your kids… even Oprah or the news can be causing illogical stress for a little one.  Sometimes they see or hear just one tiny bit which is disturbing.  Tape it and watch it later.

* *

Now these tips are just things for normal nighttime fears.  If your child has a bigger problem like night terrors or sleepwalking, consult a professional.  But the majority of things can be managed with a little patience and practicality!  Don’t let accommodations rule your life (i.e. moving the child back into your bed), but do make accommodations and worry about weaning off props later.  A year or two of sensitivity–especially during the ages of 3 and 4–will pay tremendous dividends.

I’m sorry, but development charts are for girls

I have been waiting for the right time to write this post. In the back of my mind, for the last year or so, I have had this feeling that baby development charts are for girls rather than for boys… and now, as my little girl turns two, I am more convinced than ever.

For the record, let me state that I have three boys, right in a row (5, 4, 3yrs), who are all very intelligent. They are very different from each other, too, and some developed ahead in areas where their siblings were behind, and vice versa. This is post is not about stereotyping or maligning boys. I love them, and they are very, very special.

But when my little girl arrived on the scene (last), I began to notice that observing her development was a different experience entirely than my boys’. Even my husband noticed, and he normally has no eye for these types of things. We mainly noticed that she needed hardly any “education” that our boys needed… just magically, she developed on her own, usually right on or before the standard developmental landmarks. Mere exposure seemed enough to teach her things.  And she picked up vocabulary easily, like with one use of the word. We didn’t have to have little lessons with her, or teach her to talk, teach her to use her imagination, or teach her social/independent skills like how to come get Mommy when there was a problem. With little siblings to watch, she just picked them right up. Her language comprehension seemed way ahead, and she was able to follow one -step then two-step directions very early. She was even ahead (by months) in the physical timetable, walking by 10months etc. We didn’t have one worry about her development, and every time we checked in with her doctor, or we consulted a book, she was right on time.

This was just not the case with my boys, whom we worried over continually, at least in isolated areas. Even with my third son who had siblings to watch, there were still things to teach, to make sure he got, to clarify. Each boy had areas where we felt like we were constantly trying to make sure didn’t decline when we weren’t looking: with one boy, it was language; with another it was gross motor skills; with another, it was independence.  And the charts, with their icons like “two words put together at two years old, three words put together at three…” were absolutely no help; I never saw that with anyone.  We were very diligent about making sure we had educational toys, videos, and ways of interacting. And it wasn’t all for naught, nor was it bad! It was just different: my little girl needed almost nothing to thrive.

Now that my little boys are slightly older, and stronger in their initially-weak areas, I realize that the developmental charts caused more panic than necessary.Their development, as male, was simply different than female. My girl was essentially learning through relationship, imitation, communication, and observation.  And she learns while multi-tasking (i.e. wants to sit in your lap, hug a bear, read a book, and have a movie on, talk to you, all at the same time).  My boys essentially learn individualistically, through personal practice, by analysis, and order/sequence/rules.  They process one thing at a time, not unlike my husband who can’t talk with the radio on, and do well with systems, routines, structures.   My boys, even at 1 and 2yrs, had all kinds of skills not on the charts, especially in their strong areas, but were spotty in all kinds of areas for their first four years.  And their verbal development is very different in nature than my girl’s, even though I had one early talking boy who is still very insightful verbally.  I can see why it was harder for them to excel in some areas because they are more “in their own little worlds” than my girl is. They are also more singularly-talented instead of well-rounded, and personality-typed/consistent.  Socially, they have higher walls to climb, and more carefully constructed inroads, than my little girl.

In fact, when reading special needs literature, I realized there was a careful (but important) boundary in describing the qualities of special needs children from just boys in general!! Many of the descriptions, especially in the areas of language and social skills, sounded like my boys at times; never about my girl. I believe this is why boys are so much more likely to be classified as autism spectrum or developmentally delayed. I am certain this is why so many boys end up in special ed preschool, compared to girls.   They are more likely to be one-sided in development, harder to engage, and/or harder to teach.

So my conclusion, after six years of raising three little boys, and two years of raising my girl, is that we have to be careful not to pathologize our boys. They may be slower to mature than girls (at least, comprehensively) or in some way more delicate, more susceptible to autism and other disorders. But this should call us to perhaps reverse the de-genderizing trend of the world and re-discuss any patterns that are inherent to male development, versus female. Of course we don’t want to confuse personality, gifting, or birth order with gender. We don’t want to say girls can’t be aggressive or boys can’t be verbal.  They can be!  But the human world observes gender differences that the Academy seems adversed to.  I  would be interested in seeing if there is correlation of gender to learning style or processing style. And seeing if there are timetables that are more relevant to boys as opposed to girls, just as height and weight charts have long documented. Perhaps there will not be, and I will be proven wrong. But perhaps there will be, and the mothers of boys in future generations can be spared much anxiety as they have charts and milestones that accurately represent their sons.

Teaching Little Kids to Read

With all the hubbub out there about little kids reading, it’s hard to make sense of how/when you should start. Should you work hard to get them reading in preschool, or should you wait until they are ready? Should you use a workbook, a DVD series, or just keep sounding out their favorite story? All of a sudden, the most basic of academic skills has become a market and something requiring a special masters degree.

Plus, the pressure is on. Experts have made us afraid that if kids don’t have the reading edge by age 3 or 4 that they will be behind in school, they won’t love to learn, or they won’t get into the most elite schools. And, to make matters worse, it seems like everyone else is doing the right thing except you. The people who stress early reading (before age 5) have all kinds of supportive claims… Kids’ wiring for language begins early, kids’ appetite for knowledge will grow if they can read, it’s safer for kids to be able to read, it’s fun, it boosts IQ, it helps them become better writers. But an early reader is usually a sign that your child is a more visual learner, not a genius. And love of learning can be fostered in many ways, not just early reading. Usually the drive to teach very young children to read is a parent- or expert-directed pressure tactic. Plenty of average and late readers disprove the concerns. Reading early is wonderful and helpful, but if there is any correlation between early readers and Ivy League educations, it is probably the parental drive factor, not the Teaching Baby to Read videos.

On the other hand, there is a reactionary camp that advocates the hands-off approach when it comes to children reading. Waiting until the child is ready, or shows signs of readiness (“What does this say?”), is the prime factor. Some kids do well with this philosophy and pick up reading all on their own. But sometimes it takes until they are 10 years old! The good in this approach is that the child usually comes to love reading intrinsically because they were internally motivated and because the reading matter suited to older children was more exciting/informative. But not many parents or schools are content enough to wait until their child is 8 or 10. Reading is usually the essential skill being grown in the early grades.

So you really want a balanced approach: one that honors the research behind kids getting a good linguistic start in the early years and one that flexes for individual needs and styles. In my home, I have a 3, 4, and 5 year old who are all interested in reading, are at different stages in the game, and have three very different learning styles. Here is what I’ve gleaned so far…

STEP ONE: ABCs

Step one is learning the alphabet. With all the alphabet toys out there today, you can’t go wrong in picking one. Usually the most obnoxious toy is the one your child will love most. And even though that means you can’t be in the same room with it, it is the one that will teach your child the ABCs the best. Leap Pad makes a number of ABC toys, and so does Fisher Price. People argue over whether the traditional ABC song teaches anything, but just teach it anyway. Most one and two year olds love singing it, and it is good for them to have it in mind later when they need to know alphabetical order.

Be sure that when you teach ABCs, you do it both in both visual and auditory modes. Your child should be able to answer “A” when you ask, “What letter is this?” And she should be able to point to the “A” correctly out of other letters when you ask, “Where’s the A?” Also, you should drill with both capitals and lowercase. Lowercase is more important since most letters in sentences are lower, but try to pair “Aa” together whenever possible, such in those letter banners with pictures (i.e. an apple next to “Aa”).

Your child, if he is a visual learner, will probably pick up the ABCs before 2 years old. A doer or watcher may not pick it up until 3, and even then with some occasional errors. Visual learners pick them up faster because they are attuned to the fine physical differences in the printed letters; they are often more detail-oriented.

STEP TWO: Phonics

Step two is learning the sounds that each letter makes. When it comes to reading, it doesn’t matter so much that the child can tell you the letter name of “A” as much as they know that “A” says “aaaah.” Don’t worry that “A” can say a million different things depending on the word. Just teach the short vowels in the beginning because most three-letter words have the short vowel (and because just saying the letter “A” will later make them see that “A” can say “ay” too). There are a number of good phonics tools out there; our kids loved the Leap Pad video “The Letter Factory” the best. Get some letter magnets for your refrigerator and quiz them often. Write their names or different words and ask them, “which word starts with the “nnnn” sound?” Don’t be afraid to overemphasize alliteration, such as in Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers. Boys in particular love to be silly over the sounds of letters, and being overly emphatic about the sounds will help them drill because it’s funny =)

And be sure that when you teach the phonics, you do it in both visual and auditory modes. Your child should be able to answer “buh” when you show them a picture of B and ask, “What sound does this letter make?” And they should be able to answer “buh” when you ask them (without showing them a letter), what sound does “B” make? And they should be able to do the reverse… “What letter makes the “buh” sound?”

Eventually the goal will be to have them circle the letter “B” on a worksheet when they see a picture of a bucket. Or to be able to circle the bucket when the worksheet asks them to circle things that begin with “B.” Most preschool and kindergarten workbooks sold commercially have a lot of these exercises. With all the permutations, they are the most important exercises in the reading process.

Your child, if she is a visual learner, or verbally oriented, will probably pick up all the phonics between 3 and 4 years old. A doer or watcher may not pick it up until between 4 and 5 because they can’t understand how a visual mark “A” can make a SOUND (aaah). That is an irrational concept, even though it is easy and natural for verbal/visual people to make. So the best thing to do with a slow phonics learner is drill every day, just light-heartedly with common objects… “What thing in this room starts with “vvvv?” or “What letter makes the “vvvv” sound in my vvvvacuum?”

STEP THREE: Blending

Step three is teaching the child to blend phonics together, which is the trickiest part of the reading process. You might have a toddler who picked up both the ABCs and phonics quickly. But getting them to recognize that you can string the sounds together, such as “bah, beh, bih” and then “bat, bet, bit” is more difficult… probably because they have to slightly precipitate what letter comes not just first but second, in order to blend it into the first. Plus they have to get the mouth working with the thought. It’s a big step to look at the “b” in “ba” and see “bah” instead of just “bb” or “buh…aa…”

I have found that it is easy to start with a word like “no” in order to get this point across. “Up” also works, and you can contrast that with “cup” (and “no” with “not”) in order to show them the role of the different letters being added. Kids often learn “STOP” on the stop sign very early, as well as their names (unless they have a really long, complicated name). Just have them keep staring at these types of words and practicing until they get the revelation. When they get it, you’ll know! This is the point you really can’t force… they have to get it on their own.

A verbal child can pick this concept up between 4 and 5, which is why kindergarten is the normative time to start reading skills; auditory learners may pick it up even faster than visual learners. But non-verbal kids (especially kinesthetic learners) can take longer. Mainly because their brain does not pick up on the fine visual and auditory details of letter/sound decoding. They learn things more holistically and experientially, and they process out of their own experience (internally) rather than through pictures or noises coming to them (externally). These learners make up the minority of a preschool classroom (maybe less than 15%) so they are often misunderstood or marked as possible learning disabled, late blooming kids. But in reality they just need more exposure and experience to get the idea of combining sounds. It isn’t that they are less intelligent or even less language-saavy; they might be your brightest child and have a way with spoken language. But the heavy-duty visualness of the reading task makes more sense to a child who learns visually and less to a child who is a watcher or doer (you can’t easily “watch” or “do” letters). Give them time and try different types of letter games that are more hands on (play doh, stencils) or auditory (the BINGO song) to see if it triggers the revelation.

*Update: My third son learning to read has been a classic kinesthetic learner, and I have found the “Explode the Code” workbooks to be very helpful in teaching him how to blend.  Mostly because the workbooks progress very slowly and do tons of writing work with three letter words; the physical component of writing the letters while sounding them out helped him understand how two letters go together to make their own blended sound.  Not all kids are ready for handwriting at 3 or 4, but if they are (and you think it will  help), it’s worth trying.  With my son (he’s three and a half) I haven’t made a big deal about how bad (or big) his handwriting is.  Right now he’s having fun and starting to spell.  He’ll have a lot a more fine motor control when he’s five, as my other two boys did.

STEP FOUR: Reading

Once your child is blending phonics together, they are ready to start reading three-letter words. Don’t underestimate the power of memorizing words or word families, such as bad, bag, bat or sat, set, sit; the more practice they get seeing words, the more they will pick up reading. Try to pick words that are phonetically spelled, and don’t mix vowel sounds like “bad” and “bar”. Just keep it simple like Dr. Seuss and make your own lists with pencil and paper so they can see them (especially if they are visual learners). Hang them on their wall so they can see them while going to sleep and waking up.

Once they have three letter words, go to four letters and start teaching them complex phonemes like “-ck” and “sp-”. In my experience, silent -e words are a harder concept and should be saved for several months after they can read regular four letter words. But from this point on, with several months of practice, they can turn into real readers very quickly. My kindergartener took five years to learn how to blend (although he was an early ABC-er), but he went from a preschool reading level to at least a second grade level in just one summer once he was sounding out well. This was because he practiced reading (himself) every day. Once he started being able to self-correct as he was reading (“GOWNE? oh, GONE”), and use context clues to guess, he climbed the ladder quickly. There was very little pushing on our part, except encouraging him to try the longer words himself.

Also, in my opinion, there is no need to stick to primary readers once they are past blending three and four letter words together. My kindergartner went from Dick and Jane to Danny the Dinosaur to the Berenstain Bears in the course of about a year. And my other four year old started immediately with his nursery rhyme book (very difficult words in there if you think about it) because that’s what he really wanted to read.  We did Dick and Jane a little bit for about a year before he understood “ruh…uh…unnn” made “run.”  But he was really motivated by the challenge and subject matter of a couple higher-level books, so we let him be.  My third little boy, as I mentioned above, was very into writing and simple spelling words at age 3.  (But my four year old wasn’t able to handle handwriting until he turned five.)  Every child is different.  Use what works.  But I have noticed that all my little children still in the formative stages of reading–if they have an idea of what they are actually reading about–are often able to decode the words which bend the rules (i.e. “dickory”, “mind”, “train”).

I am not saying your child will become an avid reader at six, but the development of 5 to 6 year old is able to allow pretty good reading if they are able to master the basics of blending.

Conclusion:

Teaching your kids to read has become a highly controversial—and feared–subject. But there really isn’t anything to be scared about. You can do this! Generally, because 75% of preschoolers are visual and verbal, a child learns the basic rudiments of reading during his fourth year and the skill of it during his fifth. This is a good guideline, and you should use it to guide your own education in the home. But try to avoid the extreme positions of feeling like your child has to master reading by kindergarten or, conversely, writing off reading as only necessary when he feels ready himself. Forget the Baby Reading videos, even though it looks so cool. But don’t wait to teach phonics until your child loves books or tries to figure them out on their own—that might be the fifth grade! Get them immersed in language at an early age, and practice the ABCs and phonics by the time they are 3 and 4. When they are ready developmentally, between the ages of 4 and 6, you can start blending with them and expect their first “reading” to occur. There is a tremendous  difference between a four and a six year old, though, so while the pressure may be on from experts and schools, honor the individual needs and style of your home and child.

If the child is not reading by the end of first grade, or by age 7, it is probably a good idea to seek a tutor and expert opinion on what the problem might be. But don’t forget that there is always grace to cover any mistakes! If something isn’t working, stop for awhile and go back to it later. Maybe you’ll get a new idea to help it make sense. Maybe your child just needs some more time. Eventually, they will learn to read and that chapter of your life will be over. Then you can work on what they are reading, what they like, their comprehension skills, and how motivated they are.  Remember the early years are not a set-in-stone prediction of what will occur! They are important, not deterministic.   Of course everyone wants their kids to get things early, and there is certainly argument for continuity between early skills and later achievements. But there are also forceful and important arguments for discontinuity; there is room for mistakes and new strategies. So don’t doubt yourself. Just dive in and have fun.

Sociopathic Checklist

Here is a list from a professional diagnostic about sociopathic disturbances in very young children (1-5yrs). Sociopathy is very rare. Many children exhibit one or two of these symptoms on occasion, but in an innocent or testing way. Any cluster or habitual set of them should send you looking for professional help immediately.

• Talks about things that are scary or disgusting
• bullies children (hits, bites, shoves…)
• has no child friends; perhaps a sadistic imaginary friend
• Swears
• hurts animals on purpose
• ritually and intentionally disfigures dolls/figures
• has strange habits (i.e. tries to strangle self, repetitively draws strange symbols)
• is violent towards caregivers
• threatens
• has an eerie sense of humor/happiness
• is precocious about destructive themes, strategies
• concocts pretend plan to kill parents/sibling, set something on fire, steal, etc.

Boys and their Bowels

Ahh, boys and their bowels. A lovely topic. But it must be discussed =) I have had three boys and even though they have wildly different personalities, some commonalities have emerged:

1. Somewhere around 2, the boys started hated having their bowels. They really resisted it and would generally hold them in forever. My mother-in-law called this “anal-retentive.” But whatever it was, they would whine, cry, or sometimes hide off and on for days whenever they felt the urge to hold it in. This led to the second commonality…

2. When they would go, their bowels were huge. When they started getting them in the toilet, my husband and I would marvel over how so much stuff could fit inside the bellies of such little people. The boys themselves started to get proud of their big bowels and would happily describe them to us as “big,” “huge,” or “giant.” It was kind of disgusting, but to them it was just functional, something they had created. And big they were! Many of them stopped up the toilet and we had to keep the plunger right on hand.

3. In general, they always seemed constipated. Probably due to the massive “holding it in” problem, they generally seemed backed up or even slightly pained as they passed their bowels. They had plenty of fruit and water in their diets, but it didn’t seem to matter. As babies, the number of times our boys pooped was always a worry. And it didn’t change much as they grew! Until we let it go

Giving our kids snacks on the toilet helped them learn to poop on it. Giving them M&Ms as a reward for doing their duty helped motivate them the next time. Laying a piece of toilet paper across the seat (under their bum) helped them feel “covered” while they were working on it. And doing the wiping for them until they were older and more coordinated (around 4, 4.5yrs) all helped the bowel training process.

But basically I learned through toilet training three boys that boys having bowels is just a big deal for awhile! It’s totally normal! They didn’t like going, they didn’t like a dirty diaper, and they didn’t like sitting there on the toilet and letting their bowels drop, and they didn’t go very often if they could help it. Doctors can recommend diet and suppositories, but who wants to do that? Nature will eventually take its course. The reality is that many little boys are just this way and until they are five and have some perspective on the subject (and are more skilled with toileting themselves), their bowels are like an event. In some way, it is not totally unlike my husband or my father who stereotypically head off to the toilet with a newspaper or magazine for quite some time! It is always a source of slight dread for them and when they finally emerge it is like the world is a brighter place. I have never really understood this about men, but apparently it is just one of those gender mysteries that start from the beginning =)

The point is, don’t stress over boys and their bowels. It’s not worth it. And if you really have a constipation problem that is needing intervention, give them some juice and put them in a warm bath for awhile. It works every time =)

One-on-One time with my Three Year old

A close friend who has a three year old and two babies recently asked me what she could do with her oldest. She is a fabulous mother and has years experience in daycare, so she is probably the picture of Mommyhood when it comes to care-taking. But perhaps she felt a little intimidated by her three year old who is growing so rapidly, getting so smart, but also needing one-on-one time with mommy now that he is sharing her with two other tiny brothers. What should she do with him when she has that alone time with him, other than read to him, to help him educationally?

Here are some things I mentioned that have been hits in my house. Some things are silly but you make do with what you have!

• Making more complex structures with legos/blocks: fire stations, hotels, hospital, school, garages, airports. Talk about the specific looks and purposes of each building. If you want to make vehicles or have them already, talk about them too (how the fire engine is different than the police car and has a different siren sound.) Play with them using imagination and a simple skit when finished so they can practice.
• Learn more complex shapes: octagons, pentagons, ovals, cones, cylinders. Once the basic triangle, square, circle have been mastered, little kids are ready for more shapes and it is good for their analytical skills.
• Practice drawing. Little kids who don’t have much experience can work on triangles, circles, square/rectangles, as well as happy/sad faces and simple letters (x, o, v, t…). Once they master those basic things, add harder pictures either free hand (tree, house) or have them start dot to dots.
• Start learning to color inside the lines, and talk about the black line being a “wall” that the color can’t get past. Put your hand on top of theirs to guide if they are not holding the crayon or making strokes right. Master colors if they aren’t already. Don’t be afraid to add less common colors (tan, turquoise) as well as teach the concepts of light and dark shades.
• Get a Potato Head and master the parts of the body (not just mouth but lips, not just hand but fingers). Once Potato Head is old, draw a body map on paper (trace your child’s outline) and start filling in less common parts (elbow, ankle, wrist, eyebrow).If your three year old is really smart, or closer to 4, you can start explaining other concepts about your body like bones, muscles, skin, and basic processes (like when you eat, your belly inside gets full).
• Pictionary. You draw, he guesses! (Use a portable Magna Doodle for ideal surface).
• threading macaroni, stringing beads, sewing cards
• Phonics, numbers, and animal flashcards. Don’t be afraid to get a complex set of animal cards… Most three year olds who watch TV already know quite a bunch already.
• Dominoes. Just easy counting, matching, and it helps them solidify 1-6 visually in their heads.
• Memory. (the board game).
• Go over the different sports and equipment if he doesn’t already know from TV. Work on the different balls: baseball, soccer ball, football, basketball, golf ball, tennis ball… Most boys absolutely love this. especially if you have them in your home. If you don’t, draw pictures or point at different ones in a magazine. If they can start identifying what type of player from their uniforms, you’ve got a future ESPN master!
• Play doh. Practice rolling, cutting, stamping, twisting, thumping, squeezing, and other fine motor skills. While it’s messy and annoying to keep fresh, the knowledge of textures (crunchy, crumbly, squishy, smooth…) and ability to work muscles make it one of the best hand exercisers ever for pre-kindergarteners. But you’ll want to supervise for awhile otherwise the constructive play disintegrates quickly. Also, you should do this over a hard floor because stamped pieces of play-doh are notoriously impossible to remove from carpet!