Self Esteem

Ok, I have a confession to make.  For my first two sons, I fell into the self-esteem trap of parenting.  You know, the “you can’t praise too much” trap?  Or sometimes it is said, “Make sure you give 10 good remarks for every 1 negative one.”  I really thought the more I heaped on praise, the better my children would feel about themselves.  Or at least I thought, if I avoided a lot of corrections, they would.

Turns out, I was wrong.  Like most moms, I sheltered my firstborn and he is now the most bitter and grumpy of my children.  Actually, he’s not too bad but in comparison to my third and fourth children, there’s no comparison to be made.  They are always happy, and my first is always needing a pick me up.  My second born is not too much better although he has a melancholy temperament (and always has) so I try not to take his sadness too seriously.

Nowhere can this be seen more clearly than in my typical homeschooling routine.  I have just started homeschooling in the last two years, and my kids follow a predictable line up: my firstborn starts off well but usually gets grumpy and frustrated with work, my second born is not totally happy but is very excited when he gets to do something “bigger” that his older brother gets to do (i.e. write a sentence!).  My third, who is only four and not kindergarten age yet, happily begs to work throughout the day.  And my fourth is too happy to care whether she gets a turn to work or not.   HA!

Some of this is surely typical of birth order and homeschool in general.  It’s hard to pioneer, it’s easier to follow.  And things become more fun with time.  But I am also sure that it is more than a homeschooling phenomenon… it’s kind of the same in every area of life.  Part of this is, I believe, due to the self esteem problem and the motivation style differences in my children.

For my firstborn, my husband and I were the typical parents cooing over the baby and over-obsessing about his developmental milestones.  He had some speech problems, so that made us all the more myopic.  We taught him and tutored him, we played games, we took him to specialists, he went to preschool etc.  And he had lots and lots of attention and praise.  Now at age 6.5, however, he is mainly externally motivated.  He’s motivated by praise and attention, but he has a hard time being happy when he doesn’t have it.  ANd like any child, the more they have, the more they want.  So school is difficult not because he doesn’t have enough character to stick with it–he does.  But it isn’t a joy to him, and that’s the hard thing.  Every parent wants their child to ENJOY learning, to be a reader, to get enthralled with some subject and just take off.  But he isn’t intrinsically motivated… yet.  He doesn’t see the thrill in making up a story, coloring a picture, or working on a project.  He just wants to get it done and then it’s over.  He likes learning of course, because he likes to be smarter than everyone else.  I think it makes him feel good to know things (as real self esteem should!).  But he doesn’t like or embrace the path to getting there.  It’s a battle.

In fact everything in his life is like that… if it’s not being monitored, it falls apart.  Very conditional, externally motivated ethics.  My second born, whom we did not lavish attention on, is slightly better adjusted.  But because he too had some special needs as a preschooler (sensory issues), he is also very hard to praise.  He has pretty good intrinsic motivation actually, and loves to get into science, art, or English.  But when I try to make him feel better about himself, it never works. I  can praise and praise.  I can encourage and encourage, and it doesn’t seem to make a difference. At 5.5yrs, he has a particularly salient perfectionism problem, and it is hard to get him to be happy with what he does.  It was like that when he was two and struggling with physical milestones, and all the praise in the world from me did not seem to convince him in his inner thoughts.  He’s mildly unconfident that what he does is good enough.

Now we come to my third and fourth children who, while they are far from perfect, are much more functional.  At least in the self-esteem department. I’ve never made an effort to praise them over and above—in fact, I’ve never worried about it—and they’re healthier!  They don’t seem hung up like their counterparts.  And I am sure letting the self-esteem education is part of it.  I’ve learned that the self-esteem really has to come from within.  It can’t be GIVEN or forced by an external party.  And in order for teh self-esteem to come from within, it has to be related to things the child can do for themselves.  So the more my children can do for themselves independently, the happier they are about it and the more intrinsically motivated they are to do it.  If I am happy about it too much, then I usurp their own happiness about it.  If I motivate it too much, then I usurp their motivation to do it.  There is a certain distance or disattachment that is important to healthy self esteem development.

That doesn’t mean I can be neglectful.  Being a passive and aloof parent will not yield a child who feels loved and praised.   But there is a certain KIND of distance which is very important to give a child, which I apparently did not give to my firstborn.  I tried to give it to my second born more, but he was hung up in a stage where he felt inept, and that went counteracted fora  long time.  So the kids have to experience victory for themselves, and they have to even initiate these victorious things.  The problem with my firsborn is that he doesn’t initiate things for himself—I have to be the initiator—so he can’t feel as happy about it.  That is one cycle of external motivation that is hard to break.  The areas where I don’t have any input (i.e. his lego building) tends to be the areas where he really excells and has his own fun.   ANd the more I push him to learn, even though he resents it at first, eventually becomes points of victory for him too because he gets more competence as he learns.

So it’s a tricky thing, but I just wanted to pass on the small bits of wisdom I’ve so far learned the hard way =)

Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD)

With the exception of branding our preschool boys autistic, nothing makes me madder than a diagnosis of Oppositional Defiant Disorder.  This is one of those retroactive “syndromes” that describes a child’s problem rather than lists a cause.  Getting a diagnosis does little more than relieve you that a professional thinks your child is as bad as YOU think s/he is.

I don’t say this because ODD isn’t real.  It is real.  I have seen the videos where clinical psychologists interview bunches of young children and diagnose some of them with this disorder.  The children are generally younger than you’d think (i.e. 4, 5, 6), violent, swearing, and have a fascination with things that they shouldn’t.  They are precocious, smart-aleck, psychologically astute.   They generally cannot stay seated in the psychologist’s chair, they may spit or verbally attack the professional, and they often make physical motions or get too close for comfort with their caretaker (like getting in their face, literally).

So it’s real.

That said, it’s an awful diagnosis—not worth getting, if you’re wondering.  Now i”m not talking about older children, like teens adopted out of the foster care system, etc.  I am talking about your unhandleable preschooler or kindergartner.  Now regular kids of this age can stretch you to your limits, so be careful how sensitive you are to this!  ODD is an extreme form of disobedient repertoire, and one that an overtaxed parent or teacher might not understand.  But if your child is suspected to have ODD, remember that for the most part, ODD at a young age is something that is created, not there at birth.  Now you may very well remember your baby being difficult from birth!  I am not saying that they weren’t a grumpy baby, or a colicky one, or hostile to affection, etc.  But children do come out of the womb grumpy.  They don’t come out ODD.

A really great book for those experiencing mild ODD with their young child is The Pampered Child Syndrome by Maggie Mamen.  http://www.amazon.com/Pampered-Child-Syndrome-Recognize-Professionals/dp/1843104075/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1250600538&sr=8-1 .  This book outlines a lot of ODD behavior but without the label and stigma.    Basically what it comes down to is that a permissive parenting style (mixed with your child’s unique temperament) can create a pampered, bratty child who is characterized by a lack of response to authority—the same major criterion of ODD.  We’re not just talking about the bratty children on Jo Frost’s Supernanny show… these children mainly suffer from a lack of childtraining.  But we’re talking about the next level of difficulty… children who actually don’t seem to recognize authority for what it is.  An ODD or ODD-leaning cihld is not very different from an autistic or Asberger’s child in that they have to be taught to recognize the context of structure, authority, obedience, etc.  They won’t pick it up on their own.  Although here is the good part—they are ABLE to pick it up, it is just that they choose not to.

So that is where you, as the parent, come in.  Your job is to take back the job that was stolen from you.  If your child is 6 or under, you’re lucky because it can be done.  You can use small child behavior modification  tactics that will help a lot.  (Get a season of Supernanny on DVD anyway, just for tips and impartation).  But the main thing you need to do is not enforce time-outs per se, or adopt some parenting trick.  What you need to do is examine yourself.  Examine your sense of boundaries and consider if you have codependent attitudes.  While a spouse might withstand codepedency, a child relationship will not.  Consider why it is hard for you to say no, disappoint someone, let someone not be rescued.  Consider if and how much you draw life from making others happy, or if you overesteem your own relationships in general (i.e. Do you idolize being a mother, wife, etc?).  If any of these kinds of characteristics typify you, as they do in some degree for all mothers, then seek help for yourself first.  Otherwise it will break your heart to do what you need to, in order to rescue your ODD child.

The main problem with the ODD child is the invisible dynamics in the household.  It is the subtext, the unspoken.  This atmosphere is mainly made up by your feelings and beliefs about yourself as a person and parent.  They have to change in order for your child to change.  That is why the kids on the Supernanny show mouth off to their parents but they never mouth off to Jo.  It is because of the spirit of conviction and authority that comes with her.  This is what is right, and what you need to develop.  If you can’t stand that idea, or you think that it’s wrong to be an authoritative (not authoritarian) parent, then this is where Step One begins.   Step One is over when you realize that the results you’re getting in your ODD child is the logical extension of your emotions and beliefs.  It’s not random and you’re not a victim. You have a lot of power in this relationship, power to influence your child for good.  And you’re going to have to use it!

When you finally finish Step One, you’re ready to start boundaries in your home.  You’re ready to stop the welfare state—where you do all the work and the kids just receive.  The sense of entitlement your ODD child has is partially what’s making him or her bitter at authority.  They have to get rid of that entitlement feeling in order to respect authority, limits, work, or whatever thing they hate.  When the bitterness is out, a lot of the anger will go with it.  And so will any depression or anxiety they likely also have.

Nighttime Fears

It is very normal for kids 2-4yrs to have fears at nighttime…the dark, the shadows, the boogeyman, etc.  And little kids can be very creative in their fears!  My younger brother used to be afraid of trains coming in through his window!  I remember being afraid that my raincoat hanging on a hook in my room turned into a little girl who would come closer to me, to get me when I closed my eyes.  And my father confessed to being afraid of Captain Hook’s crocodile who swallowed the clock… he couldn’t stand any ticking sounds until he was about 10!  Knowing that times haven’t changed much, kids who watch Disney movies might be afraid of a particular villain living in their closet or visiting them in their dreams.  And lots of kids are afraid of alligators or monsters under the bed.

These things are totally normal.  But when the fears start interrupting “normal” sleeping habits, it is time to take action.  If you can intervene early, you often stave off fears getting worse.  However, be prepared that many fears don’t go away overnight.  They are largely outgrown with time.  But there are things you can do to manage nighttime fears.  Being practical and creative is the key.

1.  Adjust lighting. Some kids do well with nightlights, others don’t because the light creates more shadows which are scary.  Ask them.  Some kids like having a flashlight by their bed, which makes them feel powerful in the dark.  Or, get an energy efficient lamp and let them sleep with the light on.  Don’t be afraid that they’ll need it forever; when they’ve clearly outgrown the problem, they’ll probably want it off themselves.

2.  Add soothing music. Many stereos can be set on “repeat” and this is something to take advantage of if your child wakes up a lot during the night.  Lullabyes, some classical music, or kids songs CDs can be a distraction from fear when a child opens their eyes in the dark… they don’t hear funny sounds outside, and they tune into the words instead of letting their imaginations run wild.

3.  Add to the bedtime routine. For my brother who was afraid of trains coming in through his window (for no logical reason whatsoever), my mom invented the “Train Vanishing Spray” with a simple spray bottle and water.  She used to go around and spritz his window every night saying, “Trains, go away!”, before bedtime–even letting my brother do it.  A little bit of “magic” plus kid’s control can go a long way in making fears leave.  Try the “Vanishing Spray” for alligators under the bed, villains in the closet, or other things which are irrational.  If your child is trustworthy, you can even leave the bottle with them overnight to use if they wake up scared (most two year olds can’t handle this, but a 4 or 5 year old can).  Other things which work at the bedtime routine include saying a special prayer or chant, reading a “vanishing” story each night (you can make one up yourself that incorporates the child’s actual fear and conquering hero), or having Dad play “ghostbuster” for a couple minutes (with a special tool, or superhero complete with cape).  A prayer or chant works well because the child has something to say and try when they wake up by themselves in the middle of the night.  If you believe in God, tell the child that God is more powerful than any other bad guy on earth, and to ask God for help if they wake up scared.

4.   Add a stuffed animal or prop. Lots of kids start appreciating a stuffed animal friend at this age, if they are scared.  Maybe even a couple.  If you can play it up, that the animals will protect them and keep them safe, it can really work.  Try a stuffed lion or bear (that is big and looks cute).  Or you can employ a “magic” protection charm, like a flag over their bed, a canopy or bed tent, or a new monster-proof blanket on their bed.  Even magic PJs or underwear can make them feel safe.  These things have the added bonus of keeping little kids IN their bed because they think it’s the “home base” where they’re safe.  You want to make their environment cozy and personal.

5.  Add a person. If you have multiple siblings and are open to the idea, move someone else into your child’s room.  Even a baby can make them feel safer because lots of kids are just afraid of being alone when they wake up.  If the baby wakes the other child up a lot, it’s annoying but this can actually have a de-mystifying effect on nighttime… it seems like daytime, not so scary.  If you do not have  a sibling you can move in, consider reading in their room for 10 minutes while they try to fall asleep (don’t stay forever, though).  Then you can come in and visit them, kiss them, before you go to bed yourself.  We have found that our kids really enjoy these late night visits.  Sometimes they don’t even wake up, but sometimes they do and so they know Mommy and Daddy are still watching out for them at nighttime.  You can even put a picture of you and Daddy in their room, which is often very comforting.  Just your “presence” wards off the monsters.

6.  Evict all scary stuff out of their “diet.” I am so amazed at how little kids’ culture (even for 1-4yr olds!) is entrenched with fear elements–monsters, ghosts, witches.  Like it is supposed to be fun and healthy.  In reality, it is setting them up for bad dreams and fears because preschoolers may know (when they’re awake) that they are just pretend, but in the nighttime, that isn’t convincing.  And I promise you that they can’t be afraid about things they’ve never seen.  But how many kids can go through toddlerhood without being exposed to every kind of scary stuff?  And little kids are so visual—anything that looks scary on the screen or page can bother them.  This is attacking a sacred cow for some, but if your child is scared about something it is best to eliminate it even if it is inconvenient.  This includes favorite movies, shows, books, and characters.  Even the Halloween party, birthday clown, or visiting Santa if necessary.  A lot of moms and dads feel their kids need cultural icons, but I can promise you that taking even seemingly innocuous things out of my kids’ diet went a LOOOONG way towards keeping the bedtime fears low.  Now you can’t prevent a wild imagination (like trains through the window), but you can take out easy sources of fear: witches, dragons, ghosts, wizards, villains (even the beloved Nemo or Wall-E videos, who have scary elements), snakes, sharks, wolves, alligators, pirates, big fires, and “bad guys.”  Tons of kids shows have heroes with “bad guys” but if this is making your child insecure (i.e. they are having bad dreams), it might be worth taking it out for awhile.  Be protective.  Guard your child’s sensitivity.  They have lots of years in the future to enjoy media and make-believe.  Even if you think there is only a small chance that something is scaring your child, take it out until you are sure they can handle it.   There are plenty of friendly alternatives like Dora and Wonderpets to get addicted to =)

7.  Rehearse victory during the day. Have your child practice victory over their fears during the day.  This may include role-playing the superhero who can conquer ghosts and boogeymen.  Or it can include doing a room inspection (for your realists) and examining things that look scary in the dark.  Have them adjust things that seem creepy, like a hook on the wall or picture frame that casts a long shadow.  If your child has more phobic fears (i.e. non-imaginative, like the vacuum, trains, toilet), you can work on these during the day too.  But be aware that confronting their fears might cause worse bedtime experience.  Lots of kids’ nighttime experiences are related to their daytime experiences, even if the connection seems fuzzy.  But the more secure the child is during the day, the better that will translate over to nighttime.   It’s best not to rush it– it depends on whether you feel like confrontation will help your child or just make it worse.

8.  Examine other possible sources of stress. Again, children aren’t so linear that stress is contained… lifestyle stress can definitely be encouraging nighttime problems.  “Stress” for a toddler or preschooler is relative, though, so be sure to account for things which are objectively stressful (Mommy is struggling, Daddy lost his job, parents are fighting, etc) and subjectively stressful (child is having trouble toilet-training, preschool is difficult, he or she was forced to eat vegetables tonight).  By having an open mind and thinking about what a little child could be stressed about, you may be able to pinpoint strategies that will help reduce it… postpone the toilet, talk to the preschool teacher, skip the force feeding.  Some little children are very precocious and pick up on their parents’ stresses, so don’t be beyond having “adult” talk in private or putting on a happy face for awhile.  I am not saying to neglect your own health; I am saying that an astute 3-yr old can sense when things aren’t right.  A lot of times this precociousness shows in your preschooler asking big questions: “What happens when we die?”  “Are you going to go away, Mommy?” etc.  And watch the TV shows you are watching around your kids… even Oprah or the news can be causing illogical stress for a little one.  Sometimes they see or hear just one tiny bit which is disturbing.  Tape it and watch it later.

* *

Now these tips are just things for normal nighttime fears.  If your child has a bigger problem like night terrors or sleepwalking, consult a professional.  But the majority of things can be managed with a little patience and practicality!  Don’t let accommodations rule your life (i.e. moving the child back into your bed), but do make accommodations and worry about weaning off props later.  A year or two of sensitivity–especially during the ages of 3 and 4–will pay tremendous dividends.

How To Discipline

Ok, here are the rules…

1. Pick your battles
2. Don’t use too much force
3. Have a matter of fact, kind but firm attitude.
   
4. Use the most psychologically simple method as possible (K.I.S.S.)

Having guided four little people through baby and toddlerhood (now preschool and kindergarten), these are my three staple rules for disciplining. They really work!

1. Pick your battles.

This is so important. My kids are soooo lovable!! But they also have so many things wrong with them! Mommying wouldn’t be mommying without all the “don’t take from your brother,” “please pick up your jacket,” “don’t stuff that in your mouth,” and “leave the walls alone” that I do all day. In this type of environment, when amplified by 100 other corrections, multiplied by four siblings, and experienced every day, it is easy to lose perspective.  That is why it is so important to take a step back, take a deep breath, and pick your battles.

Picking my battles has historically meant that I try to discipline things which 1) occur regularly and predictably, 2) are very upsetting to me, and 3) have visible ways of knowing when they are fixed. It does no good to discipline something that occurs infrequently, makes no real difference to your life, or carries only a vague sentiment of when it’s fixed.  You have to pick something that fits all three criteria, at least for best results.

But if you use these criteria, I promise it will work! It will work for both you and your child because you won’t exasperate them and you’ll know when it’s getting better.  It will probably have other implications that you like. You can pick any behavior you want, and you can employ this strategy equally well from older baby to kindergarten. Around eight or nine months of age, one of my first “discipline” areas was the high chair. For some reason, three of my four kiddos hated being sat in the high chair. They used to scream their heads off! So even though they may have done other things which drove me crazy, screaming their heads off in the high chair was 1) regular and predictable, 2) upsetting (and unsafe, if I was trying to get them to swallow), and 3) had a measurable goal—sitting in peace. Once I picked this battle, I had to be prepared to win. But picking a good one set me up for success. And once I got them to sit in their high chair, this had the unintended benefit of allowing me to sit them in other places with less of a fuss, including their cribs and carseats. Yay!

Baby battles which I have found to be easily winnable at the earliest ages (6-9mos) with a little discipline are: screaming/kicking in the crib, interfering with a diaper change, and touching something hands-off. (Methods vary).  Food etiquette (no spitting, no biting) is also largely winnable as long as you are using common sense in when, what, and how much you’re feeding.

Toddlers and preschoolers respond to your picking battles too. In fact, if you are not progressing with your 2-4 year old, it may be because you need more discernment in your battles. You can’t get them to “listen to you” or “be good.” But you can train/discipline them so they stay in their beds, come when you call, not throw a fit, leave the light switches alone, etc. If you are just foraying into real discipline, try to start by picking the behavior that is most disrupting your life at the moment, and make sure it’s specific. Then, apply the discipline in a very lawful fashion every time you encounter that behavior (which should be predictable). The more consistent you are, the better results you’ll get. And it is easy to stay consistent as long as its regular, upsetting, and specific. People get into trouble when they try to fix something too large or too general. Discipline lawfully, religiously, but only in a small area. Then your child’s will will not be provoked or abused.

2. Don’t use too much force.

Abuse can occur if you use too much force. (Duh).  Everyone knows about the danger of physical abuse, but emotional abuse can occur as well. Little kids are little!! They have little bodies, little wills, and little thoughts! You have to treat them as such, even though they are of course capable of producing big emotional ruckus and big emotional reactions in grown people such as yourself =) Unless the child is in imminent danger (i.e. running towards the street), always err on the side of using less force rather than more. You might have to repeat the discipline, but this is better than causing damage.

By “force” I mean verbal and non-verbal things such as the intensity of your voice, speed of reaction time, curtness of vocabulary, severity of consequence, physical adjustment administered, psychological effect intended, amount of time for consequence, etc. All these things are part of the correction and should be appropriate to the offense.   If you have a quick temper, take a breather! Drama never works. Most toddlers respond better to understatement than overstatement.  I call this the paradox of intensity—a bigger issue is corrected better with less force, while more force almost guarantees that it will occur again.  If you do time-outs, shorter ones (30 seconds to five minutes) usually work better than longer ones.  And speed and consistency are more important than emotional intensity.

But beware of underreacting as many moms do… your kids just won’t get the picture that they have actually done something wrong if you are Mrs. Sweetie-Pants.  Emotion and intensity convey part of that picture, so use it wisely. Don’t feel that being syrupy or stoic (i.e. playing child psychologist) is more moral. People are emotional creatures and toddlers need to learn correct emotional cues, including faces, tone of voice, gestures, etc. If you don’t teach these things because you think they’re evil, your kids are going to have problems with others who expect them to respond appropriately to their non-verbal cues.

So how much force do you use? Trial and error is really the best teacher here  because only you know what your child needs.  If he doesn’t have enough fear, you need to create a little. (Just a little!). If she is negligent, you need to call attention to the pattern. If he is sensitive, you need to dump on extra acceptance during the process. But don’t usurp the learning process with your own zeal. Allow the child to develop his own inner drama instead of watching yours.  Obviously more aggressive kids need more force and sensitive kids need less. Some kids need talk and some kids need action.  But usually actions speak louder than words, especially for boys, and especially for 1 and 2 yr olds.  For strong willed children, usually the law of paradoxical intensity comes into play… less  force or more space will prompt a better reaction.  I have noticed, for example, that my toddlers responded better to a simple warning (“close the trash can please”) and my turning away from them as if I trusted them to do it—rather than a “no-no!” and my eyeballing their every move.  No-no’s and eyeballing get you into a power struggle very quickly.  On the other hand, when it came to protecting my siblings from one another, in a physical situation, I found that using quick, curt intervention (“Absolutely not!” while I came close to them) worked best as a deterrent… as if I was showing them that I would always be firm in protecting/preventing a victim.

Just FYI, gentle physical contact such as a hand on the shoulder, stooping down to their level, or touching the part of their body that got them into trouble (i.e. the hand that hit) is often very effective.  So is coming closer and talking quietly, as opposed to yelling across the room.

So more force does not always produce faster results, although sometimes it does.  That’s why trial and error, plus intuition, is important.  The more appropriate your force, the better chance you have of results, so readjust as the results come in. If you are getting a strong or a broken will, you are using too much; if your kids ignore you or mock you, you are using too little.

3. Retain a matter-of-fact/kindly attitude.

Different parents have different feelings about their kids’ misbehavior. Some absolutely can’t stand it and blow their lids (maybe not externally but internally), and others really couldn’t care less (i.e. as long as they’re not killing each other, it’s fine). You want to strike a balance.  You have probably witnessed parents disciplining their kids in ways that make you cringe: whiny, out of control, guilt-inducing, snippy, dramatic ways.  Always examine yourself first before you turn on your kids.

Another way to say this is, discipline is by the Golden Rule. When you get corrected, how do you want your authority to treat you?  And over what types of things?  I think it is safe to say that most correction should be firm but kind, and befitting of an adult.  You should always discipline in a kind and matter-of-fact way that shows your child you respect him as a person but he simply cannot repeat the misbehavior. Don’t get entrenched in the discipline process, feeling emotional about it. And don’t take away love, scold, manipulate, guilt trip, whine, or be vindictive. And also don’t feel guilty about disciplining! American culture is notoriously guilty about every confrontation and discomfort they cause in their children, which is probably what makes our kids so neurotic. It would be better to discipline unhelpfully–as long as it’s kindly–and be confident, than it is to not discipline because you’re insecure.

I think the key to this principle is that your EMOTION is not what makes the discipline work.  So don’t use it as if it is.  The appropriateness and consistency of the consequence is what makes discipline work.  So use the amount and kind of emotion that will best expedite the message that your child can’t repeat his misbehavior. At least 75% of the time, a firm but kind expression will do it.  If you have too much negative emotion, that message will not be expedited. Your child will simply feel unloved. Or she’ll think, “Mommy is mad.” What you want them to think is, “I did something wrong. I better not do that again.” That requires the right type of emotion, and the right intensity as I mentioned already.  Especially when you’re dealing with something that is regular and predictable, that drives you crazy, you want to make sure you can retain your kind but firm delivery or else it will be bad for everybody. You’re going to be doing a lot of disciplining in your life, so get used to it! Being kind and firm help you stay in control, developing good habits.  It will let the child process his or her own mistake without feeling threatened personally. And you want this because the more they feel threatened, the less they will process.  And the less they process, the more they will see you as the problem instead of their behavior; they will avoid you or be sneaky because they’re afraid of being found out. You don’t want this.  You want their deeds to activate their own conscience.

4. Keep the punishment as psychologically simple as possible.

Ok, I know this is a forever long post.  But it’s an advanced subject.  I’m really big on keeping the punishment as simple as possible because all these psychological things the experts think up assume a mature, sensitive, adult  conscience which your child doesn’t have. You really don’t need more than a couple tools. Remember KISS: Keep it simple, stupid!

In my house, the most common tools are physical intervention (i.e. removing a trouble-maker from the situation), and consequences.  Some consequences are appropriate to the crime, like returning a stolen toy back to the sibling.  Others are logical, such as not getting to read another chapter of the bedtime story because it took too long to clean up and get PJs on.  I find that intervention and consequences are the most effective, especially for my boys, because they provoke the most thinking about causality… “I took it, so I had to give it back,” or “I need to go faster so we can read more Winnie-the-Pooh.”  The more my kids can realize that A causes B, the more they can master their actions.  The more they realize that a bad A causes a bad B, but a good A causes a good B, then the more focus is taken off me and onto what they’re doing.  Which is the whole point!

Experts today make a big deal about other forms of discipline.  According to them, chastisement or spanking is child abuse, so most people don’t feel comfortable with that option.  So in the spirit of being more sensitive, experts invent method after method: offering rewards, bargaining, time-outs, naughty-seats, child-directed rules, choices, charts, incentives, avoiding “no,” elaborate word constructions, etc.  I believe there is a time and place for creativity, but in general I have found it unwise to rely on these more psychological methods.  Toddlers and preschoolers are simply unable to be motivated by them consistently.  It is one thing to give a child a sticker for doing a good job on something, or to encourage positive character development.  But it is another to expect a sticker to be a deterrent force—to assume kids will be motivated away from bad things by it.  In most discipline situations, a young child knows what they should do but are physically or emotionally unable to make themselves do it.  Psychological methods are too mature for little kids because they require too much self-control.  I believe that intervention and consequences are more likely to teach a child about what they are doing wrong, and provoke considering an alternative.  By more succinctly teaching causality, they help a child gain self-control so they can rely on it consistently when they’re older.

Other psychological methods which are not so expert are also sometimes erroneously invoked.  Normal parents find themselves asking their kids questions, conversing or convincing, negotiating, even bribing their children or making victimizing statements as if that will motivate them to good works.  Be aware that while a smart preschooler can understand most of what you’re saying, appealing to them for whatever reason isn’t going to work reliably.  You may get one or two wins, but talking or reasoning with your little one is generally going to fall flat.  Save that for the teenage years.

Also, try not to punish your child.  Punishment is sometimes confused with consequences, but it is distinctly different in that it seeks to impose a penalty (often unrelated) for bad behavior, usually with scolding or threatening… taking away the TV, not letting her go to a party, going to bed early, etc.   Punishment is usually done out of anger and it makes even a young child bitter.  Taking away the TV is all right as a consequence if the crime was playing with the buttons on it or saying a bad word from it.  Going to bed early is an appropriate consequence if the crime was refusing a nap.  But just randomly punishing or penalizing a young child is not going to connect the dots that her behavior, A, caused results B.  It just communicates you’re mad.  I have even seen parents take a stuffed animal away from a potty-training child for having accidents and not being “a big boy.”  Some parents believe in rubbing their children’s noses in their dirty underwear or otherwise making the wet/dirty experience more unpleasant.  These punishments are obviously inappropriate.  And they don’t instruct.  You never want to condition your child as if they were a pet, and you want to remove privileges sparsely, only as they relate to crimes exactly.  If you put your mind to it, I am sure you can think of more constructive consequences for your little one’s most frequently broken rules.  This is what good teachers do in their classrooms.  Try to keep punishment out of it altogether.

*

All in all, discipline is about creating the type of experience your child needs to have in order to change his/her behavior.  From a rational standpoint, this means picking a small, specific battle and applying a fitting and lawful consequence until the behavior is extinguished.  From an emotional standpoint, this means finding the right amount of force, maintaining a positive but corrective attitude, and keeping things simple.  If you can manage these things, you will have much success in disciplining as well as a not-so-bad experience in the process.

Oldest Child Syndrome

I am not huge on birth order theory, but now that my two best friends and I all have a bunch of boys, it seems clear that there really is something to the Firstborn Syndrome!

Perhaps you’ve seen it. You try so hard to do everything right with your firstborn, from the moment you find out you’re pregnant to all the crafts and classes they should experience when they’re three. You’ve prided yourself on having the right philosophy, suffering for doing good, making the transition from Non-Mom to Mom, and all of a sudden baby #2 comes along or your first starts meeting with playmates and it dawns on you…

My little one can’t share!

They also can’t wait their turn, let anyone else have the new toy, let anyone else have fun with the old toys, make the louder siren sounds, eat a cracker they don’t have, or generally avoid competition over everything. “Me First, Me Best, Me Most” is the name of the game. Jealousy and suspicion run high. But you’re not that way! That’s not what you modeled! What went wrong?

The problem is that your child is not able to Do Unto Others yet. He is not able to look at your behavior and think to himself, “That’s what Mom does with me. That’s what I should do with others.” That is too hard for even most teenagers to realize, let alone your three year old. Your firstborn is used to getting things first, best, and most because there’s never been anyone else to compete with. And assuming that YOU don’t act like a three year old =) how is he to know what other three year olds are going to expect from him?

I’ve had a tough time with this myself because our children are spaced closely together. And even though I have four small ones, my oldest is still the handful, still the one I am always correcting, and still the one I worry about most… Is he ever going to get it? I could never figure out why he had Firstborn Syndrome so badly when he had another sibling come along so early in life (by 15 months old). But now I realize that acquiring a sibling early in life as a toddler still cannot compete with growing up with others from Day One. When a person is born into life with others around that Mommy has to take care of, pay attention to, help, discipline, etc., it is truly a whole other experience. That is why subsequent children are critically different in the area of recognizing the role of others in their lives. They may be Type A personalities, fun, extraverted, bossy, or all kinds of other go-getting traits, but they will not be as socially/emotionally misunderstood as your Firstborn feels when he/she initially encounters significant others in their lives.

So how can you help this?

It can be hard, especially if you’re one of those moms who really tried to do everything right. You’ve respected your little baby, toddler, preschooler, and now they aren’t able to respect anyone else. You have to start turning their worldview around, slowly, from The World Exists for Me, to I am a Special Part of the World. In particular, you need to gently start inserting age-appropriate boundaries between them, you, and what they want. When they learn that not all words, toys, opportunities, and Mommy space is for them, but they have their own turns for attention, they will start balancing out. Make it a project for the year to raise consciousness about how they are making other people feel around them. Here are some things I’ve tried at home:

1. Make your firstborn talk to other children. Firstborns are notoriously grown-up oriented. They seem to ignore other children at times because grown-ups give out more praise and attention. So they interfere with other parent’s playtimes at the playground, take over your adult friends when they visit the house, and ask about what you said or did with everyone else. Some grown-up attention is warranted, of course, but the better strategy is to redirect your Leading Actor from talking to adults to talking to any children who are around, even babies. In our home, my firstborn wants to tell me everything from the dream he dreamed last night to the new word he just read to how his shirt is tickling his arm. Rather than try to teach him which things are important to talk about, I have switched to smiling and saying, “That’s interesting. Tell your brother (sister) about it.” His siblings are usually interested anyway! And it gets him out of the seek-Mommy-for-attention mode and into realism… his siblings usually don’t praise every achievement or coo over every wound.

Try this approach at the playground if your child is a drama queen or in your house when showing off behavior comes. Encourage your child even to talk to babies, whom they usually ignore because babies give no acknowledgment whatsoever. But it is healthy for your firstborn to adjust to a peer-centered world because it helps them get perspective (without guilt).

2. Adopt boundaries when you are talking or doing something with others. If your child, like mine, is all ears for every conversation in the house, adopt some nice maxim to let them know where their ears or input are not wanted. Sometimes I ask my firstborn, “Who is Mommy talking to?” when he wants to answer or comment on what I’m saying to a sibling. Or I say, “It’s between Mommy and Daddy” when my firstborn wants to ask or comment on what I told Daddy. If he persists, I say “Honey, Mommy is not going to talk about this with you.” or something slightly firmer. But always in a nice way… don’t foster bitterness.

3. Utilize time-out for real showing off behavior. When your firstborn has just a learned a new skill, any visitor becomes a prime audience. A little bit is ok, but if your four year old daughter is still plie-ing over your guests after about five minutes, or your kindergartner starts reading Green Eggs and Ham aloud for a second time, tell them they are wonderful but grown-ups are here to talk to grown-ups.  If they are truly interested in ballet and reading, they will happily move to a different room to do it.  If it is showing off, they will be upset.  Then the choice is: stay here and be quiet, or go to a different room and play.  No leeway.

4.  Have them look at the face of the offended party. When a young child hurts or rejects another child, they usually look at the ground. Or they go on their way as if nothing happened.  Don’t ever let them hurt someone else, even a baby, without stopping to pay proper attention.  Have them look at the face of the person with whom they ignored, stepped on, or stole from (or refused to share with), and go through a small dialogue about how they feel… “David, look at Matty. You hurt his feelings. See how he’s sad? He wanted to play trucks with you.”

5. Don’t ASK them questions like, “Don’t you want to share with Matty?” The answer is obviously no. Just gently command that they do so. “You should share with Matty. That’s the right thing to do. Come on, give him one of your trucks.” In my own house, assuming that my firstborn has more than one of his beloved item, if he can’t surrender one of them, he has to give all of them to me. But if this makes him happy, because it is out of spite, then I make him give them all to the other child for a short while. Only then can the child experience the pull that his toys (unreasonably) have on him. He has to learn that people’s feelings come first, that they trump that pull. If I do this with respect (not asking him to share something if it is brand new, or he just started playing with it, or only has one, etc.), then his conscience gets trained. He can try again later with the warning that he has to share his stuff.

Some people wonder about “forced” sharing.  It doesn’t make rational sense that making a kid share would cause them to want to.  But like all things with little kids, you can’t wait until they FEEL like sharing to share.  Some kids are sharers by nature, and this is wonderful.  But for those covetous ones who aren’t, the best way to get it in there is practice, practice.  If you start at 2 or 3, you’ll be surprised by the end of the year that they’ll probably get it.  A 4 or 5 year old starting can take longer.

6. Don’t foster possessiveness. Firstborns are notorious for feeling like others are invaders on their turf… they are using their cup, their slide, going to their school.  One way to help this is to try to avoid addictions or attachments altogether. I try not to let my oldest become addicted to anything that would make sharing harder than it is. No favorite cups, colors, toys, or foods. He has them, I mean, but I don’t cater to them… buying him MORE Lightning McQueen accessories, getting him his own personal dinnerware, or letting him carry around his Matchbox cars all day. This is almost anti-American =)  For my other kids, these basic things would probably be harmless. But for my firstborn, it just encourages possessiveness.

Also, watch your pronouns.  Try not to say “your” or “yours” unless it really is theirs, like their shoes, their hands, etc.  Don’t be weird, I mean, but use “the” or “our” for things which are collective property, especially movies, computers, furniture, toys, etc.  This will help enormously when you need to use something or another sibling/guest comes along.  It is important for little kids to know what things they need to protect anyway, and what things aren’t appropriate to share versus those that are.

7. Don’t allow upstaging or interruption. My oldest likes to talk louder so everyone can hear him, point out his own accomplishments…especially when a younger sibling is working hard on something he can already do, and race to sit by me if he sees someone else coming to get a spot. Gently, I expose his motives that he’s trying to keep someone else from getting attention, praise, or a space, and that other people need those things too. “Taking turns” seems to be the most helpful metaphor because that implies that he gets attention too, but just not at the same moment. (i.e. “Let Sally have her turn telling Mommy about the train, and then you can.”)  Personally, I believe it is ok to help older children learn the rule of letting younger children get what they want first, although there are some situations or children where it is not wise.

8. Give opportunities to help others and get praise for it. My firstborn is a natural director, so sometimes I give him service jobs that channel his controlling nature into something good. I look for things that he likes to do, that need to be done, and that the recipient benefits from, i.e. helping his little sister get her sandals on, going to see if the car is clean, teaching his brother the letter sounds.   This helps him see constructive uses for his personality but also practice seeing others’ needs. I try not to overpraise him for his work as much as play up how happy he made the recipient… “See her face? She is so happy that you got her shoes on! Now she can go play!”

9. Model sharing with him, in games if necessary.  Play turn-taking games, card games, or other exercises where you switch things.  Lots of little kids are really hesitant to let things go—their hands are always poised ready to grab—and this is something that needs practice.  You should do it one-on-one with him until he is sharing with you well… until he gets that with someone he loves, and can trust the sharing process, he won’t do it with others (who are not as trustworthy!)

10.  Put the shoe on the other foot in training exercises… Show him how it feels to be ignored, upstaged, taken from, beaten in a race, etc. Never ever be cruel, but consider some low-key narrated example for your little firstborn to actually feel bested so they can gain empathy for those they are besting. The best way to do this is to artificially replay the scenario that just happened, either with you playing the part your firstborn played and him playing the victim.  Or you can reenact with the two original parties in slow motion, narrating what happened.  You can have the parties switch positions as actors if necessary.  The point is not to enact revenge but to slow down and rehearse a situation that comes up a lot.

11.  Make him do the giving in normal situations. Make him give things to a cashier, take items upstairs to Daddy, give the baby his bottle, etc.  This makes letting go seem more natural.

12. Adopt some maxim you can use often like, “Let’s look at everybody” or “Think of others” whenever these situations come up. A 4 or 5 year old is definitely able to get the picture if you are saying this often, and while they probably can’t change their behavior on the spot, it will be planted in the back of their minds for later.

13. Community service or talking about giving things to others can go a long way too. Talking through how we give clothes away that we don’t need, making a casserole for a friend who had a baby, letting our neighbor borrow our CD, or wrapping up Christmas presents for kids who don’t have any, shows that giving is an easy, natural, and pleasant thing. All kids need to see this, and your firstborns most. Talking about all kinds of generous behavior as much as possible will give them the extra tools they need to internalize that type of message.

14.  Most Important: Make sure you are truly meeting your firstborn’s needs for love, possessions, and attention. Especially with siblings and playdates, they may legitimately feel lacking.  Or they may be scared of letting go of your attention, or of the position where they have the most attention by default.  Also, it is easy to fall into giving your child passive attention but not active.  Preschoolers and Kindergartners really need active talking with you where they knows you are paying specific attention and not needing to leave for some reason.  When you are confident that their love tanks are full, then you can be confident (and calm) during corrective activities.

Sweet Little Lies

How to deal with lying. Oh, it’s so hard! One day your little toddler is so innocent, calling your name and asking for a cracker. The next, they’re a guilty little preschooler, averting your gaze and twisting their toe in the dirt while they say, “I didn’t do it.” You know they did, and they’re not telling the truth. What do you do?

I admit I am still learning about this one. We have two preschoolers and one kindergartner in the house now, so any day is a prime candidate for about a dozen fibs. Some are big, some are small. Some are sly, some are cute. Some are averting blame, others are out of frustration. I’m a pretty black-and-white person but it almost seems each situation warrants its own solution. In particular, how do you discipline the lying without making them fear telling you the truth?

Well, it’s a tricky thing. And so far the good ol’ George Washington and The Cherry Tree story has not helped anybody in my house yet!

The first thing I have learned so far is not to take the lies too seriously. Or personally. Little kids DO know they are lying (contrary to popular literature on the subject), but they don’t have the moral context to understand the larger ramifications of why it’s wrong, who they could be hurting, or even what could come of it for them. This type of knowledge does not come until later, maybe 5 at the earliest. I would say that the longer or more complex the lie, the more moral understanding and therefore responsibility can be laid on the child. But the simple lies that 2-4 year olds tell are really just testing the waters. And they aren’t doing it because they’re awful people or because you’re an awful parent. They are just recognizing that something they did was a bad thing and hoping to avoid the consequences that may come.

Now here comes the tricky part. What are the consequences they are trying to avoid? Some consequences (like you yelling) can be mitigated and some (like giving back what they stole) can’t. But dealing with the lie depends on your understanding of what they’re trying to avoid. As much as possible, whatever it is, if you know that’s what they are afraid of, don’t do it when they tell the truth! If you have to do it, do it gently. That doesn’t mean you can’t punish them in some way (because most lies demand some sort of redemptive consequence). But the best way to deal with lies is by punishing lying more than the bad thing they did. Have a sliding scale: if they lie they get this (worse), if they tell the truth they get that (better).

For example, my five year old scribbled markers on his blanket today. I asked him if he did it and he told the truth… victory! So I thanked him for telling the truth and we talked about why that was a bad thing. He fortunately already knew why so when we imposed the consequence on him (sleeping without his blanket for awhile), he sensed the justice in it and was therefore not encouraged to lie. Had I yelled or scolded him, locked his markers away, or made World War III out of it, he would have been encouraged to lie next time. Previously he has lied to me on various occasions and I admit that I was probably a reinforcer–I tend to be so upset at what he’s done or the fact that he’s lying that I lose perspective (it’s not sex or drugs!). Scribbling on his quilt (which his grandfather gave us) without losing my cool took some effort. But luckily God reminded me that it was washable marker before I launched in On other occasions, I have handed him over to Dad, who seems to keep his temper better than I do.

On the other hand, I have no problem dealing with my younger children who lie. I am used to the “I think he did it” when I ask “Who?,” and the “I don’t know” when they very well do, and the “I finished” when I know there’s some carrots left on the plate. In these cases, the best solution is to (calmly) tell the truth for them: “No, you didn’t finish. Don’t lie.” and lead them (calmly) back to do the redemptive action (sit back down at the table). Sometimes I even say it in first person for them… “You mean, ‘I did it Mommy’.” so they can hear the difference. If I’m lucky, they’ll echo me and I praise them for that. It’s as if my saying it for them somehow sheltered them from the fear of responsibility, or paved the way for them. And that’s a good thing. That’s their training wheels. The more they learn that it’s ok to admit the bad thing, and the terrible consequence did not reign down on them (but the right thing was enforced gently anyway), the more of a clean conscience they’re going to acquire. And if you can consistently lead them back to the thing they should do (eat those carrots) without losing your cool, the kids learn that fibbing does not pay off… they still have to do what they didn’t want to.

So does this make sense? Remember you want to teach several things:

1. Telling the truth is more important than what you did. (Lying is wrong).

2. If you did something wrong, it does have to be corrected. (Lying doesn’t work).

As soon as the little ones realize this (and it can take awhile), and they see how punishment fits the crime but can be handled gently if they confess, you will win them to the truth. And remember… always, always praise them for a confession, even if discipline must follow. Mercy triumphs over judgment.

Time-Out!

Time-outs are now the standard discipline for little kids. It is a new religion among child psychologists: nothing works better than the time-out, and certainly not traditional punishment! Now before you put me in the cruel and stodgy camp, let me make one thing clear:

I am for Time-outs.

BUT. I am not for time-outs as the catch-all solution that experts say it is. Let me explain:

Time-outs are basically a brief period of isolation that allows a child some space to get themselves together. Some moms use a Naughty Chair, corner, staircase, or the kid’s room. But mark my words, timeout is not discipline. Time-outs don’t TEACH a child anything. They are a passive form of instruction, not an active one. In order for a time-out to work, it has to be applied at the appropriate time.

Think about getting a time-out yourself—when does some time alone benefit you? If your emotions are out of control, like you don’t know how to feel or you feel too angry, sad, etc., then having some isolation time can help. You can reintegrate—breathe, relax, think, even have a good cry. But does having a time-out work when you need answers? Something else to do? Or an issue to talk out? Actually, during some of these times being alone can make you madder. Now imagine that someone else is ORDERING you to be by yourself, and you’ve got the potential for rage. Or, if you are a more controlled type, bitterness.

I am convinced that children are not much different than adults in this capacity. They can begin harboring resentment at us or the rules when they get time-out, even as young as two years old. Watch a youngster’s face when you get upset and send him to his room. Even if you manage to do it out of love instead of anger, do you still see the face? Rejected, bitter, upset… that’s the same face you’ll see when they’re ten. The reason is because they don’t know how to use that time alone to their advantage.

Surely, time-outs can be good if a child is overwhelmed, overstimulated, or confused. Sometimes too much is going on and they don’t know what to think or otherwise just need a break. Time alone can help them can gather their thoughts, take stock of what went wrong, and what they need to do about it. With your help, they get up with a plan. But again, if they’re just mad about what went on, getting alone time often permits thoughts to escalate.  Doesn’t this happen to you?  You start justifying yourself, making a case, and storing up for the explosive conflict to come. You rehearse what you’re going to say, but you definitely don’t change your mind and decide you’re in the wrong. At least, not usually.

The same is true for little kids. Little kids, especially ages 2-4, get angry a lot. Not angry in an adult, wrathful, threatening way. But just basic upsetness at you, the rules, the situation, the toy, the world. And they have limited ability to help themselves. Their emotions are strong, quick, and usually uncontrolled. They are typically unable to get a hold of themselves and come up with a reasonable plan on their own. They need you to do it for them. And the younger they are, the less they understand so the more you have to help them through their feelings and any possible solutions. So a time-out when they’re naughty is usually not helpful. They just stew or forget.

With a 1,2,4,and 5 year old in my house, here are some times that I have observed time-outs being helpful:
–during a violent temper tantrum: when older toddlers are deep in the throes and lost control, being isolated briefly (like in a playpen) can help them vent safely. When they’ve vented, they’re usually more ready to hear whatever you want to say. Also, you have time to stay calm and make a plan. (A couple years ago, the lady in an apartment above mine admitted to actually LAYING on her four-year old to stop her violent tantrums! I’d advise against this.)

–hurt feelings: a preschooler who is upset at a sibling, parent, or friend can benefit from some personal space when he or she is whiny. They can usually talk to you about the situation without crying once they’ve sat for a couple minutes. Or sometimes they’ve let the situation go on their own, ready to play again. This gives liberty and teaches self-control without shaming or overinvolvement.

--unreadiness: a toddler or preschooler who is not ready to face life because he or she is more sensitive, tired, or whatever, can benefit from a couple minutes by themselves in a chair. When they’re ready (to eat, to move, to go out), they can get down by themselves. This teaches initiative and self-recognition. I usually make the criteria for getting down to have a smile or “happy heart.” When their faces and hearts are smiley, I know they are ready to face Mommy, siblings, life.  If they get down and the first thing they do is whine, it’s right back up and they get the picture.

–uncharacteristic naughtiness: When your child does something very uncharacteristic of their normal behavior, like throw something at somebody, it usually means something unique occurred to hurt their feelings or provoke them. While not allowing the time-out to substitute for consequences and restitution, a couple minutes in timeout can help them get a break from the situation. Then you can talk to them about what was going on and decide whether they are allowed to go back.

When I think about it, most of the times my kids get sent to a time-out, it is for whining and complaining. I simply can’t deal with them when they’re like that, unless it is a very concrete thing they need (their zipper is stuck, they lost a lego, etc.). There is no reason why a 3 or 4 year old, an even a 2 year old if he is verbal, cannot be encouraged to use words and a normal voice when they are explaining themselves. Rational people can implement rational behavior; emotional people are not ready for your solutions.

But a lot of moms I know use the Time-out as their main discipline. Instead of using limits, consequences, restitution, or appropriate punishment, they see the timeout as punishment. Time-out is only punishment if the crime was showing off. Then a timeout (isolation from other people) becomes discipline. But this is rare.

I am careful with the Time-out seat too. Our timeout place is simply an armchair in our front room. It is not a punishment place where they are removed from all human contact. They can hear and sometimes see whatever is going on, and they can call to me in an adjacent room. It is a comfortable chair where they can sit as long as they need, and where normal people also use it for normal reasons. These types of things are important because an ideal time-out place should facilitate the child re-integrating into life, which happens when they can see and hear what everyone else is doing (at least, a little). Their siblings aren’t allowed to talk to them or bother them while they’re in the chair, but the perpetrator is often persuaded by observing life’s activities to let go of the whininess. They don’t zone out like if they would if they were on a staircase, they don’t get physically antsy as if they were in a corner or hard chair, and they don’t get to do other fun things or forget like if they were banished to their room. They simply sit and are reminded of life until they are ready. Almost always, they have to check in with me to give me a status update when they get up, before they rejoin. That way, we can have a talk and work out solutions/strategies if necessary.

So I guess my concluding point is: time-outs have their place, especially for the preschool and kindergarten age. But they DO NOT HELP DISOBEDIENCE. They don’t prevent it, I mean. No child will be motivated to reverse their current bad behavior by threatening a timeout. Nor will a child think twice about not doing something bad by remembering that they will be put in timeout afterwards. Nor should that be the point. The point should be a safe place to get emotional distance from a situation that requires it. The point should be regrouping. Don’t allow the timeout to substitute for explanation, instruction, and consequences. These all are part of the child learning to consider their behavior/attitude, and rethink their habits. If the child is ritually doing something wrong, like making a mess, being mean to somebody, or getting into things they shouldn’t, time alone is not going to fix that. Only a consequence—something that fits the crime: a limit, removal from situation, removal of privilege—will fix that. Don’t let experts or Nanny Diaries convince you otherwise.

Stop Yelling at your Kids

So many people ask about discipline these days… probably because so many little kids are totally out of control!  Twenty years ago, it was embarrassing to have a toddler screaming in the library because no-one else’s did.  Now, you don’t have to feel bad because it happens dozens of times per day.  Same for tantrums at the grocery store.  Clearly, our American parenting style is out of whack.  Discipline is a lost art.  Or science.  Or something.

That said, no-one seems to agree on much about discipline.  I can’t even talk about it without someone saying, “I don’t believe in that.”  So I find it hard to offer specifics, even on my own blog!  We know behaviors we don’t like, but we don’t know how to fix them.  I can’t tell you how many moms I talk to who say something like, “I am so frustrated with my three year old.  She won’t listen to anything I say, and I end up yelling at her all day.  Nothing changes–she still does what she wants–and I hate yelling and being mad at her.”  I think I hear this several times a week, honestly.

So let me tell you one thing I have learned, definitely: you have to stop yelling at your kids.  Pick whatever discipline methods you want, but yelling can’t be one of them.  I talk about this subject in other posts, but it is so important that I have to restate it here, all by itself.  You have to stop yelling.  You have to stop yelling.  Once more: You have to stop yelling.

Now, when I say “yelling,” that includes other drama such as nagging, whining, complaining, threatening, scolding, mocking, writing off, and being snide.  Think of “yelling” as any dysfunctional coping mechanism you’re using all the time to respond to Suzy’s brat nature.  The first step in discipline is casting off the coping mechanisms and facing reality.  You don’t want to cope, you want to change things.  Changing things requires action.  And it requires calm, reasoned patience.

I promise you: if you can change this, whatever discipline methods you are using will work better.  You have to stop talking (relying on your voice, volume, word choice) and start acting.  Get up.  Move closer.  Intervene.  Think of alternatives.  Take away.  Separate.  Set a timer.  Replay.  Do SOMETHING!  But don’t yell.  Not across the room–go over to them.  Not up the stairs–tell them to come to the top.  And not when they’re disobeying–stop the disobedience.  If you pretend you have a sore throat or laryngitis for the day, you’ll probably stumble upon the correct ratio of action to talking.  And once you’re not yelling, being dramatic, or acting snide with your children–guess what?  They can learn to not be so rude with you.  Children really do work by the Golden Rule.  So get a calm warning voice and get ready to follow through, and that’s all you need to start getting results.  Peace and order starts with you!

Fake Coughing

Most children figure out at some point that coughing and sneezing brings attention: looks, glances, “bless you’s”, tissues, medicine, or whatever else.  So they do it.  It is easy, fun, and prominent around them during the winter months.  It is not uncommon for a baby as young as 6 or 9 months to start fake coughing or sneezing to get your attention.  Babies this age normally fake cough because they want to “converse” with you.  If you cough back, they’ll cough back again, and so forth.  File it under preverbal development, and don’t worry about indulging it.

Eventually though, you’re going to get tired of it, and you can correct a toddler of 15 or 18 months for faking for attention.  Just say something like, “Use words” or “No fake coughing now.”   For a preschooler faking it (usually because someone else in class got attention for it, or because they got special tissue privileges), you can add more explanation… “Coughing is ok when it’s real but not when it’s fake.  If you keep coughing, I’m going to think you’re sick.”  If they persist, tell them innocently, “Wow, you are still coughing.  You must be really sick.  Let’s get ready for bed then!” Start going there or follow through just once, and they’ll give it up!  (This works for sneezing, overusing tissues, fake stomachaches, or any overreacting problem.)  Remember preschoolers are fascinated by bodies, and so things like sickness are intriguing.  This is the age where they start to figure that stuff out.

Note: One way I could often tell if my preschoolers were trying to get a special privilege was the way they communicated to me.  If they wanted something, they’d name it like, “(Cough).  Oh mom, I need medicine.”  That was pretty clear they just wanted to taste the stuff, especially if I’d been giving it ritually for a couple nights.  But if they were actually sick they’d say something like, “(Cough).  Mom, my mouth hurts.”  This was code for “throat,” and then I could look in there and see if it was red.  They did the same with hunger/food… “Mom, I’m hungry” was very different from “Mom, I need some chips.”

Now it’s ok for preschoolers to fake cough if you are going to practice covering the nose/mouth.  Especially if you want them to use something other than their hand like their  elbow or a tissue (kudos for this!).  Most preschoolers need constant reminders to cover, and they will enjoy a parent-directed session where they get to fake it a bit =)  But make sure you back up your lesson with discipline in reality for forgetting.  Don’t just make it a game or you’ll encourage the wrong thing.  Preschoolers (3s and 4s) may make a big deal out of sneezing or coughing because they think it’s funny or because they want you to pay attention and give them that reminder.  And it IS hard for them to remember protocol before they do something, especially if they only get rebuked afterwards for forgetting but don’t get to experience what it is like to remember.  So practice every now and then when you’re entering sick season.  But if you catch them faking a lot and looking at you to see what you’ll do, make sure you tell them it isn’t funny to be sick, and it isn’t funny to forget to cover.  The average three to three-and-a-half year old can be held accountable for this if you have worked on it.  Some two or two-and-a-half year olds are ready but many are not.

For my toddlers and twos, I always settled for trying to avoid their sneezes and coughing if I could catch it.  Of course you can’t always do that, and I admit scolding a couple people unthoughtfully for coughing in my face when I was buckling them in their carseat or sneezing on me when I was carrying them.  But in general, being a good model yourself and moving their hands to their faces when you catch them is sufficient for that age.  Or I’d use my own hand and keep sanitizer around.  If you catch them remembering to cover on their own, praise them!  (“Good covering!”)  But then after you praise, they’ll probably fake for a bit so don’t praise that   Tell them “That’s good covering but no faking” again.

Quick note: babies and children under three sometimes have a bad coughing technique and may sound like they’re faking when they’re not: the cough is a short hack, not productive, and they do it many times in a row sometimes even for several minutes.  This is just because they haven’t figured out how to get the cough to reach the scratchy or congested area they need to.  Don’t correct then.

Hope all this helps.  Good luck this winter!

Top Ten Correction Phrases in my house =)

1. Use your real voice.
2. Use your nice voice.
3. Don’t be jealous.
4. Don’t be bossy.
5. Try it by yourself.
6. No whining.
7. You don’t need Mommy’s attention right now.  A.k.a. “Who’s Mommy talking to (looking at) right now?”
8. What should you be doing?
9. You need to ask first.
10. Get something different.  A.k.a. “Who’s using that right now? “