Feeding: Schedule or Demand?

As a mom of four children under 5yrs old, I have recently re-reflected on this issue and found it funny that this one question practically dominates the pregnancy literature on child-raising. If I could do it all over again and talk to my pre-mommy self who was furiously researching babies and motherhood, the one thing I would tell myself is: THERE ARE BIGGER QUESTIONS OUT THERE THAT YOU SHOULD BE STUDYING!

I say this partly tongue-in-cheek.  Obviously I know how important properly feeding a baby is, and it definitely seems for the first couple months that all you do with a newborn is feed it! (Especially if you nurse.) There are lots of sleepless nights and crying times where the first natural question that pops in your mind is, “Did I feed him enough? Is she getting what she needs?” And of course, lots of times you don’t really know.

So I wrote a review for the controversial “Babywise” book on Amazon and I have put some feeding points  below. But just so you know, the demand versus schedule feeding question truly is one of a larger parenting philosophy choice.  It is not solely about what you do in the feeding arena.  Thus the passionate controversy.

The reason why the feeding question is so heated is because people are pushing an entire parenting approach: child-centered or parent-centered. Enter the vehemence. On one side of the debate are Dr. Sears, the AAP, neo-Spock, and the most widely read baby literature from your bookstore.  They recommend “attachment” parenting which includes a whole range of practices designed to make your babies feel more secure.  Actually, I think they make the parent feel more secure, not the baby!  But they basically want your parenting to revolve around the child, as policy-maker.  On the other side of the debate are Ezzo, Ferber, Hogg, and many old-school writers.  They recommend the parents be the policy-makers.  So the question is not so much how often you feed your baby (or whether you bottle-feed or nurse) as much as it is: How much will you allow your children to decide what they need for themselves in life?

Since I have just raised four toddlers back to back, I would submit to you that you as a parent better become comfortable being in charge and deciding what your children need.  Even as babies.  Eventually they will know what they need and communicate this to you, but for now you are teaching them to recognize and communicate these needs.  I promise you they do not already know this themselves. If they knew how to parent themselves, they would “up and leave” like the entire animal kingdom babies do after a short observation period of the adults. You have a bigger brain, more experience, more love, and more intuition to understand your little creature.  You shouldn’t ignore the communication coming from your child, but you as the adult will have to do the interpreting.  Starting with hungry cries.

So back to feeding. What’s funny is, I would submit that 95% of new moms, whether they are child- or parenting-centered advocates, probably still feed their tiny babies pretty much the same… A lot!!!  Only 5%, the real radicals who still feed by the old 4hr by-the-clock routine or idolize the La Leche attached-to-your-chest routine, probably cause significant differences in the amounts that go into their babies’ tummies. And, if you have a good pediatrician who watches these things, as well as some good ol’ common sense yourself (as the main diaper changer), you can avoid extreme over- or under-feeding.

So here’s what I’ve learned so far about feeding:

• Nursing does make a baby need to eat more frequently than a bottle-fed baby (Ezzo is wrong). Nursing babies, in the beginning, tend to eat every 2.5-3.5 hrs. A bottle-fed baby tends to eat more like every 3-4hrs.
• If nursing goes well, it tends to create the ultimate bonding experience between mom and baby (La Leche is right). If it doesn’t go well, it can create some of the worst feelings ever (La Leche doesn’t tell you this).  It is probably best to stop so bitterness/frustration doesn’t work itself into the early stages of the mom-baby relationship.  There is no need to be super-mom around the nursing issue if it is causing stress–it’s not worth it!
• Nursing tends to make babies more attached to their moms than their dads. Bottle-fed babies should take advantage of being mommy-free to eat with Dad for more bonding time.
• Nursing is cleaner but harder for many, at least to get started.  If your baby is not a great nurser in the beginning, he or she will usually get it by six weeks old.  Try not to give up before this point if you’re wanting it to work out.
• Breast pumps can be really helpful to regulate high or low milk supply.  Especially if the baby prefers one breast over the other or doesn’t finish feedings a lot.  Very common.
• It is impossible to keep most newborns awake during a feeding. Try, try, try. This will prevent you going back to the bottle/breast every single time he or she cries because you think he’s hungry.  Sometimes I had to unlatch my babies and lay them on the floor to wake them back up.
• The first week or two of a newborn’s life is crazy. Do whatever you want in the feeding/sleeping territory–you can’t ruin anything for the future this young.
• Most eating issues stabilize around 9-12months when the child is more clearly able to express his needs/desires concerning food.  This is also when the digestive system stabilizes to be more like that of an adult.  They still need formula or breastmilk because they can’t absorb nutrition from solid food like an adult can.  But being able to eat some applesauce and a graham cracker a day makes a baby’s tummy much easier to deal with =)

The above points are just guides, not gospel. My main point is, that most moms probably end up feeding their babies an ok amount with either a demand- or scheduled approach.  Just know that demand-feeding can quickly become demand-parenting which is why it is a more perilous path.

 

“Mommy, I’m BORED!”

There is probably no other complaint that can get a mom so upset.  Especially during summertime.  When it seems like everything is already down and dumpy, this comment can be the one that shoots Mom through the roof.  Even if it isn’t actually SAID, the one year old toddler has a way of making this known.  It can be SOOO frustrating!

Here’s the good news: you don’t have to do anything about it.  Lots has been written on boredom and how boredom is the source of creativity: if you get bored with life, you look for something to do.  So the application goes: if your child is bored with what they have, they need to look for a new way to use it.  But most kids under three have a limited imagination (especially if they are special needs), so it can be hard to wait through the tantrum or trouble a bored little kid gets into when they don’t know how to use what they’ve got.  Kids over three have great imaginations, but it can be hard to get them to want to use it.

Still, if I could impart one lesson to a new stay at home mom, it would be: don’t give into to the Boredom Complaint.  I used to all the time, and I’d go play with my child.  And it made him more dependent on me than ever.  I used to think he’d never use his imagination if I didn’t jump in, but I found out that my jumping in actually stalled him.  I think he was four or five years old before he’d really just play.

Now that doesn’t mean parents should never play with their children.  I totally believe they should, and my husband and I have some playtime with our kids every day, even if it’s just a botched game of UNO.  When my first was smaller, I used to use play therapy with him for his special needs.  That was extremely effective.  And he had Early Intervention too, which was also play therapy.  However, giving into the Boredom Complaint is not play therapy.  It’s manipulation… you’re trying to get your child to settle down and be happy instead of taking the stereo apart (if he’s a boy) or whining around your leg all day (if she’s a girl), and so you give in.  I know lots of people who swear that their girls in particular won’t DO anything.  They have to play with them!  What else could they do?

Well, a young child has to be trained to play of course.  They’re not six year olds who are enthralled with their lego castles yet.  (YET!)   As irony goes, your child won’t really get into settled down playing until they’re school age and not allowed to play all day anymore =)  But that still doesn’t mean you should be playing with your little guy all day… park trips, play time, cooking time, game time, etc.  If you are playing with your child all day except for when they nap or watch TV, then you are eventually going to end up with one big TV watcher!  I’m not kidding!  You have to find a way to HANG OUT with your child without playing with them.  Some children are persistent and even more moms are cave-in’s.  but your life will be SO much better if you do.

This is particularly difficult with your first child because it’s just you and him/her.  You look at each other all day and you’re tuned into each other’s emotions, schedule, etc.  It’s like you overlap in some ways.  Moreover, a baby needs 24/7 care, so it’s difficult to know how or when you should start leaving your “baby” alone.  At one, do you suddenly dissociate?  No, that’s not what I’m saying.

What I’m saying is, my later children are better adjusted than my earlier ones because they grew up not being focused on.  They were paid attention to a lot, but not focused on. There’s a huge difference. My little two year old (fourth child) still mostly shadows me all day.  But that’s her choice.  She has three other siblings to play with, so if she chooses to follow me around, then that’s her problem not mine.  I talk with her and sometimes share things with her or make them into an interesting activity for her, but I do it when it’s right for ME.  I don’t do it because she’s demanding it.  And if she’s in my way too much, I send her away.  This might hurt her feelings at first and then she suddenly realizes that she’d LIKE to play lego castles with her brother.  In personality, she’s a lot like her cousin who also shadows her mom and grandmom.  But the difference is that they feel bound to their little girl like she’s sucking the life out of them.  They feel obligated to “play” with her, to “educate” her, and make her happy, whereas I feel free to do the things I’m doing (most of the time   The main difference is in attitude: my little girl and I are HANGING OUT.  I love her and accept her.  That’s what families do.

So that’s my best piece of advice for mom and her two year old.  Hang out, but don’t focus.  This is difficult, but if you can pretend that you have other children around and a life to live while you’re shuttling just two year old Junior around, then do it.  Make calls, go to the mall (your favorite stores), and eat at the cafe you’d like.  Go to the playground if you want, but don’t feel obligated to suit your whole schedule around Junior.  Just make sure it’s Junior-friendly (i.e. no china shopping).  When you finally do have baby number 2, it will be the healthiest thing that’s happened to all of you.  But if you don’t plan on having baby number 2 until your first child is 3, 4, or 5 yrs old, you’d better start shifting into HANGOUT mode now.  I’m telling you: this is the number one thing that will change your stay at home experience =)

NOTE: for older kids, when they say “I’m Bored” you have three choices; either take away all their toys except for one ball.  Or throw them outside, even if it’s hot or drizzling.  Or make them work on a workbook or the laundry.  Any of these three options will get their imaginations fired up again in no time.

Top Ten Choking Hazards

After four babies in a row, I have had four different experiences with children putting things in their mouths. One put everything, one put nothing, and two were somewhere in between. People generally think that kids under 3 can choke on anything (i.e. the warnings on most boxes). But really the top hazards are things that are small, round, and exactly the size of your baby’s windpipe. Especially between 6 and 18months.

Here are the top ten things that have made it on the list from around my house. (Some are esoteric, but just FYI

1. grapes
2. blueberries
3. hot dog pieces
4. Kix or other round cereal puffs
5. Skittles, M&Ms, or round candy pieces (not that you’re giving it to your baby but if someone else is enjoying them, they are likely to find them around somewhere)
   
6. ball bearings (like in Magnetix or MagneBlocks)
7. marbles (in several kids’ games)
8. Rokenbok balls
9. Lego heads, wheels, and tires
10. stringing beads (or beads on little girls’ accessories)

Other than small round things, here are my other top chokers at mealtime until the kids can chew well:

1. bread
2. bagels
3. chicken nuggets
4. chips or crispy things
5. popcorn, rice cakes, or flaky things
6. wheat thins or hard crackers
7. peanut butter
8. banana (have to keep it in small bits)
9. apple pieces
10. carrots
11. cut up steak, chicken or stringy things

Some of these hazards can be reduced by cutting into smaller pieces… grapes and blueberries can be cut in half, and chicken and hot dogs can be cut smaller than they usually are.

But there is nothing MORE scary than seeing your child choke!  Their eyes get red and their face starts to change color and your stomach ties in twenty knots like you are going to lose them right there on the spot!  But I think it happens to even the safest parents at some time.  Some slight gagging can resolve itself as the baby tries to regurgitate what’s stuck in their throat.  But if after just a second they cannot cough it up, take immediate action.

DON’T PANIC!!!! (Yeah right!)  The number one thing I found to work in a flash is, if the child is in a sitting position, to lean/push the child’s shoulders gently forward and down, about 20 or 30 degrees, so they are slightly bent over at the waist.  For some reason this forces most things to be choked back up if they are not totally stuck. About 90% of the time in my house, this happened in the high chair with real food, and it worked.

For the remaining 10% it was borderline emergency.  If they still couldn’t cough it up in about one or two seconds in that position, I went for their item itself.  I opened their mouths (held their nose if necessary to get them to open) and tried to grab the item myself.  One or two times it was too far down the throat to get, so I took my index finger and gently pushed it to go down the throat.  But this is an extremely dangerous procedure. The tissues in a toddler’s mouth are so tender that they are easily cut or damaged.  And not every item is safe to swallow.  But because I couldn’t get them to cough the thing up, the only real solution was to help them get it down.  (The last incident I remember being like this was with my 15 month old, who was eating a bread bagel in a Walmart shopping cart).  Assuming that they are not swallowing something metal or toxic, this is a less than ideal but safe option for many items.  Even a lego head or plastic bead can pass comfortably through the stool if absolutely necessary.  Give them a drink when it’s over.

Obviously this is not medical advice.  There are real professional choking procedures for babies that every mom should learn.  But I honestly never did and was afraid to try it on my babies when they started gagging.  What if they stopped breathing or turned blue while I was doing it?  None of my children ever choked when they were younger than one, no-one turned blue or stopped breathing, and no-one was swallowing anything poisonous.  So luckily the above two techniques worked for me, especially the leaning thing, so I pass them on as old wives tales, not as a substitute for getting trained in baby CPR/choking.

Getting my baby to sleep through the night!?

Somewhere around the 10- or 12-week mark, a new mom naturally starts thinking, “I know I’m supposed to cherish these early days, but WHEN will my baby sleep through the night?!”  The early newborn days are over.  The feedings are usually better.  You feel like you’ve put sleep on hold enough and you are SOOO eager to get back to the way things were.  Even a good, straight six-hour shot seems like the biggest break in the world compared to the couple hours at once that you’re getting.  In the old days, six hours used to mean a bad sleeping night… now it’s all you dream about.

That’s ok!  The good news is that somewhere between 10- and 16-weeks, most babies are able to sleep through the night.  By “able” I mean that they are at least 10 lbs, feeding well and consistently, and not sleeping all day anymore; they have some semblance of the next stage of babyhood where awake time is different than sleep time, they are starting to get curious about the world and respond to it, and they are getting the calories they need.  So, when your baby is showing these signs, and you are exhausted with three months of multiple wake up times, it is time to put some extra effort into helping your baby sleep through the night.

Now, “sleeping through the night” does not necessarily mean 10 or 11 hours; only some babies are ready to do this.  I think 10 hours is probably the max I let my babies sleep anyway, since I was nursing.  But a normal goal is 7 to 8 hours, or 9 or 10 hrs with just one middle of the night (or early morning) feeding.  And you might not be able to get the timespan to line up perfectly with your own bedtime—your baby might be totally knocked out by 9pm and needing to wake up by 5 or 6am.  But that’s normal too.  If you are lucky, and already feeding on a good rotation of 2 to 4 hours, then you may have already had a couple surprise nights where your baby slept five, six, or seven hours just randomly.  Or maybe they are sleeping six to seven hours but just at the wrong time, like 6pm to midnight.  All these are good signs, other readiness signals.

What you want to do is start keeping the baby up more in the evening and feeding more too.  Many babies have a “fussy time” in evening anyway, and although that can be grating because all you do is sit around and rock the baby, he or she will naturally be tuckered out by 10 or 11pm, and you can put him or her down for “bedtime” then.  Other babies, however, are very awake in the mornings and therefore want to sleep through most of the evening.  You want to try and change this, by working with your feeding and nap routine.  The ideal is for you to feed and keep your baby up for several hours in the evening, cluster feeding if you’re nursing, and lay them down somewhere between 9pm and midnight.  When you want to go to bed yourself (hopefully in that timespan), give them their last little feeding if possible which they probably won’t be awake for and will kind of nibble through, and then go to bed.  With a little luck, they will sleep til 5 or 6am.  Try feeding them and putting them back to bed, to see if that works.  Or they might wake up between 1 and 3am, wanting the feeding, but then go back to sleep until 8 or 9am.  If you have done a good job keeping them up in the evening, they will most likely start sleeping through the main part of the night.

Sleeping at night is related to sleeping during the day, so make sure you are working on naps during the day too.  Some 2 to 4 months babies are very awake during the day and taking 3 or 4 shorter naps (45-90mins), but others are still very sleepy and taking two or three long 2-3hr naps.  You want to “rob Peter to pay Paul,” so make sure a sleepy baby is not sleeping more than 2.5 hrs at a go.  And try to keep any naps at night small, like little 30 or 45 min catnaps.  I remember two of my babies took two longs naps during the day, like 9-11 and 1-3, but then a short nap between 5-6pm or 6-7pm at that age, and then they were able to stay awake with me until 10 or 11pm when I put them down (sometimes still awake).   This was actually ideal.  If your baby is a sleepyhead though, at least keep him sleeping with you, with lights and sounds on, during that evening time.   One of my babies was a sleepyhead like this, even at 4 months, and I used to let him sleep in his bouncy seat, which was kind of upright, during the evening period, occasionally rocking him with my foot or taking him into the kitchen where I clanged around putting dishes away… not to be cruel!  But to help his little clock know that it wasn’t time for deep sleeps yet.  It actually worked, so don’t laugh.  Somehow his little body registered even though his eyes were closed   Every baby is different, so work with it.  But do know that too much daytime sleep will interfere with nighttime, and even too LITTLE daytime sleep can… babies that aren’t really napping yet will be too wired to rest their systems for a long stretch.  You have to get the napping under control first, and then the bedtime will follow.

In fact, I think I worked on the naps almost exclusively with my three last babies, but not their bedtimes at all, and they all kind of fell into a similar routine.  Down around 11pm, then sleeping until 6 then 7am (between 10 and 16 weeks old).

Another thing about helping a baby sleep through the night is environment.  Make sure that when you are up with them in the middle of the night, you are not turning on lights or making a ruckuss.  You shouldn’t even change their diaper unless it is ridiculous.  Wouldn’t someone taking off YOUR clothes at night wake you up?  Your baby, with all those crazy buttons and snaps, and their sensitivity to cold, feels exactly the same way.  Make sure the room is not too warm or too cold.  Make sure the pjs are comfortable and any swaddling or unswaddling is appropriate.  You want to make any nighttime or early morning feedings as sedate and quiet and dark as possible.  Don’t even talk if you can help it, although if they need comforting, then whisper.  But get into the habit of making those nighttime feedings almost like sleepwalking… get in there, do it, and get out.  No baby in the world who is truly woken up at night will go back to sleep.   Usually a nursing baby will nurse himself back to sleep.  A bottle feeding baby might need some rocking or pacifying time to lull back to sleep.  But don’t play or jostle. or do anything stimulating.  Use a nightlight rather than a real one, or nurse in the dark.  Don’t get a bottle-feeding baby out of the crib at all.  And if you need to leave your baby still awake, lay him down anyway, pat him, and leave.  If he fusses a bit, wait a couple minutes.   If he’s starts really crying, go get him, but if he’s just fussing off and on, let him fuss.  If he’s crying, go back and walk/rock a bit, then put him back down and do it again.  Don’t talk, just sshh and comfort.  You might try some white noise too, like a humidifier or vibrating thing.  Or some really quiet lullabye music might work… anything that he/she can associate with bedtime.  I used to turn on an air purifier only when I laid my babies down for their naps or bedtime, but then turn it off when sleep time was over.  I am pretty sure they got conditioned that when the purifier went on, I wasn’t going to come back and fetch them, play with them, etc.   They just put their head downs and sucked their fingers or whatever.  The earlier you start doing this, the quicker they’ll get the signal.

Also, if your baby isn’t sleeping well on his back, and he can hold his head up now, you can try putting him to sleep on his stomach.  Experts would lynch me for suggesting this, but only one of my four babies was able to sleep on his back.  So if you are comfortable with the slight risk, clear the crib out (just one baby blanket or put your baby in a sleep sack) and try napping on the stomach to see if it is more successful.  If it is, try the bedtime too.  Most crib mattresses today are firm enough to support a baby on the stomach without it being risky.  And you should remove the crib bumper.  The more doctors find out about SIDS cases, even into the toddler age, the less simple SIDS becomes… it does not seem to be a simple thing of smothering or choking due to wrong position.  For healthy babies, I believe it is worth a shot.

Lastly, make sure your baby is getting the food he or she needs, especially at night.  A “tanked up” baby, who is nice and warm and comfortable, can learn to sleep through the night.  But a hungry baby can’t (and shouldn’t).  Some babies continue to wake up for a feeding because they really need it.  But even a huge, growing baby usually only needs one, and it will be at the same time every day.  I had a six-month old at 21 lbs who just needed that bottle at 5am until he was 8 months old.  And that’s fine.  Don’t be militant.  But do make sure that your baby is getting all the calories he/she needs, and don’t be surprised if it takes until the time that he/she can eat something other than formula to *really* sleep.  If your baby is 4 months old and you are open to it, you can try giving him or her a biter biscuit or other baby food to fill up the stomach around dinner time.  New moms often shrink in horror at this suggestion, especially if they are nursing.  But when you get desperate for sleep, you realize that it is often worth the cost of a cracker.  Just make sure you never put a young baby to bed with food because of the choking hazard.  Stick with something safe and age appropriate.  By the fourth baby, I was spooning her watered down graham cracker bites at 4 months old. Not because I wanted to but because she was so jealous of her older brother who got a cracker when he went down for his nap!  Totally disgusting but she napped like a professional after that.  So do what you have to do =)

And hang in there!  Once they get going, they usually don’t stop unless there is a situation.  The little extra effort is worth it for the bliss you can have for the rest of the year.

Don’t Make Your Baby’s eating a religion

Any of you who have already spent time reading some of my other posts know that while I have tons of opinions about everything, I do not believe in religious parenting.  What I mean is, I don’t believe in parenting that tries to teach you a hyper-strict way of doing everything “just right” so you can feel like a better parent.  Usually when someone is striving for the “just right” thing, it means they have a weak conscience.  If the conscience is fixed, the problem usually goes away on its own, or with minimal instruction.

That said, this post is about not turning your baby’s eating into a religion.  I particularly am referring to the tight schedules of solid foods that some baby experts love to publish.  It looks so neat on paper: smart little boxes with time tables and all arranged by color and food group.  In reality, it is totally unnecessary.  Unless you have a very unique health situation with your baby (and your pediatrician would let you know), there is no reason to follow solid food charts like liturgy.  There is some wisdom with starting with yellow foods, but don’t stress if it is pears over squash.  And if for some reason you start with orange, don’t beat yourself up.  You can always do a yellow one next.  If your baby never gets to green (ugh), don’t worry that they won’t eat their broccoli when they grow up.  And if your baby, for some unknown reason, wants a piece of your steak or accidentally snarfs some cornbread, don’t panic!  It’s food.  And it will go through them the same way as everything else.

  I say this tongue in cheek because I have met so many people, especially expecting first-time moms, who really get into these charts.  Usually they are food nuts themselves.  And I like food nuts!  Some of my best friends are food nuts, and they have convinced me that approximately half their propaganda is probably true.

But you’re never going to get me to hang up one of those charts.

And my fourth baby skipped baby food all together.  She went straight for the real thing.   And guess what?  She’s very healthy.  My third baby skipped baby food almost–he liked most of the fruits.  But only the first one ever ate rice cereal.  Or got jarred vegetables.  He actually graduated to “stage 3″ from Gerber!  The others were doomed to failure.  Again, I am not advocating reactionary baby-feeding where you just hand them your Italian sandwich.  But realize that babies are little people, and they may want food.  Real food.  And they will learn what’s good by what others like, what tastes sweet, and what smells nice.  Most baby food in a box or jar does not fit any of those criteria.

So please don’t make your baby’s solid food a religion.  There are so many more important things in life.  Like toilet training =)

Toddler Bathing 101

At some point, your baby will get too old for the infant tub.  Once baby can sit up well, bathe them sitting up in a large clear tupperware container—like a storage bin from Walmart or Target.  Put it inside the real tub and pull it away from the water controls after filling it so there’s no temptation.  This saves water, provides higher walls so more of the baby gets washed by just sitting there, and lets them sit and splash around without you worrying about them slipping all over your tub.  Or getting water everywhere.  Or hitting themselves on the faucet/side of tub.  Or without getting contaminated by whatever disgusting stuff grows in your tub!  If they poop in the water, a storage bin is easily cleaned and refilled.  Just wipe it down and swish some bleach around in there, and you’re all set.  You can add slip grips on the bottom (stickies or a mat) if you’re still worried about slipping.  And depending on the size, your preschooler may still like it.

Get the water all soapy with bubbles, make sure it’s not too hot or too deep (we drew a line on the tub with a permanent marker so everyone knew), and load it up with toys.  Older toddlers might like to wash or spray the walls with a squirter or spray bottle, and this is a great diversion for kids who would normally splash too much out of the tub.  Toy makers have some neat crayons and paint for bath walls that fill busy hands too.  We used to let our kids blow bubbles in the bath once they were 3 and reliable.  Make sure you have some kind of home for bath toys, or you can use the storage bin itself after you’re done.

You probably don’t have to sit there and watch the whole time once your toddler is fifteen months or so, but you should patrol frequently just in case.  Teach them not to stand up but to sit and splash with control.  Give them a cloth or sponge and teach them to wash themselves.  If you get them to do their own hair (around 2 years old), they won’t object as much when you do it.  Give them a couple times where you let them do it all by themselves even if they don’t do a good job.  They will inevitably get water in their own eyes, etc., and will probably be grateful when you take a turn next time.  Teach them to  swish own armpits, behind the ears, and private parts too.  (The latter mostly get washed just by sitting there).  Just FYI, don’t worry if they do some body exploring while they’re in there, as it’s just natural since they’re normally in clothes/diapers all day.  Distract with toys or soap bubbles if you think it’s too much.

We also used to add brushing the teeth to the bathroom routine because it fits the cleaning schema.  When our boys were little toddlers, I’d give them a wet toothbrush and they’d just chew it.   They didn’t bathe every day so they didn’t “brush” everyday, but that was ok because they didn’t eat junk.  Once they were potty-trained, I started bathing every day because I suspected their bums were dirtier than when I did the wiping   Then they started brushing every day too, and we started using toothpaste and all.  They were ready for more instruction by that time because they were habituated to the brush/cleaning idea.

An older baby (6-12 months) should still be supervised all the time while sitting, and their bath is still pretty quick and functional.  But somewhere around the 12-15 month mark, baths get more fun for them and they start wanting to take more time.  By age 3, our boys were taking around 30 or 35 minutes.  They needed much less supervision by that time, and I could read magazine or tend to the baby nearby until they told me they were ready to get out.  (Still no standing in the tub).

Get a mat so they don’t slip while getting out of the tub, and teach them to dry themselves while standing on it.  Get a sticky hook and teach them to hang up their own towel as soon as you can!  Towel bars are too hard, even for a four year old.

One person recently asked me if you should bathe a toddler in the diaper.  I’m assuming they having trouble with their baby pooping in the bath. Babies and toddlers poop in the bath because they feel relaxed. Plus the warm water can help the muscles around the rectum relax and make it feel soothing to push. If your child does this routinely (but not in his diaper), it could be a sign of constipation.  Add more fruit.

But first, don’t bathe after meals.  It’s so easy to bathe kids after dinner, but you’re asking for trouble.  First thing after breakfast is unwise too.  Try a random time in the middle of the day when you’re looking for something to do.

And even though it’s gross to poop in the bath, you still shouldn’t bathe your toddler in the diaper. If it’s clean, you waste a diaper. If it’s not, you don’t help the private areas which, of all places, need the most exposure to moving, soapy water. If the toddler is old enough, try putting him on the toilet first to see if he’ll pee or poop in it before going in. If he won’t, put him in the bath for a couple minutes and supervise him to see if he’s going to go. Then try putting him on the toilet for a minute if you’re suspicious (dry the bum first because he’s wet and slippery). If all else fails, use a swimmy diaper (which is made to be wet!) or some plastic pants which allow some water movement but will keep the bowel from going everywhere. (You can empty it in the toilet.)

If you’re worried about just peeing, I wouldn’t. It’s normal for children to pee in their tub and it’s probably not a big deal as long as you use a lot of water. I know it seems gross but as long as you’re not washing their hair in it, just soap up the tub and let her rip! Wash their hair directly from the faucet.  One thing I did with my little toddler boys who used the tupperware container for their tub was to strip them down and let them stand inside the real tub watching their little one fill up. They’d almost always pee while doing this but that was ok because it just went down the big tub drain. Then I could put them in their little one without worrying too much.

Incidentally, watching you pour their bowel into the toilet (if they poop in the tupperware tub) can be good toilet-training knowledge.

What else can I say?  You are probably a pro at baths by now.   If you have more questions, just comment below.

Falling off the Schedule

“What do I do when my baby falls off her schedule?”

This question inevitably comes up because vacations, Grandma, and time changes happen. So do last-minute errands, emergencies, toddler toilet training, or whatever random everyday things pop up to destroy all the hard work you’re putting into your baby’s routine.

But don’t despair! The answer is simple: start over.

When your baby falls off her schedule, don’t force her back on. If she wakes up too early, don’t leave her screaming in her bed. Get her up, feed her, and start the rotation from there. That is what is so nice about a rotation or routine—you’re not tied to the clock. In the old days, they were, and that was what made schedule feeding so horrible. But in a rotation, you’re only tied to a sequence. Get back on feed/wake/sleep however you can.

This isn’t to say you shouldn’t put effort into your routine. You should. Probably the biggest effort you’ll face in the beginning of establishing a routine is keeping your baby awake. It can be so hard! One day maybe we’ll know why God allowed newborns to sleep so much and older infants to never do it. But keeping a newborn awake during a feed or afterwards can be one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. Try, try, try—not just for the schedule’s sake, but for theirs—they will eat better and more efficiently, the more awake they are. And they’ll get needed stimulation for their eyes, ears, etc. But do try to keep the eating (breast or bottle) going as steadily as is humanly possible in the early days: tickle the feet, undress the baby a bit, stroke their cheek. I used to even put the baby down on the carpet temporarily if they were totally out. I’d get them from their nap but they were so passed out I couldn’t get them to latch on. So I’d lay them on the carpet to see if the hardness would stir them. I even did that in the middle of feeds if they’d check out. So do what you can. Don’t be mean, but be creative!

Anyway, so you should put effort into your routine. Lots of babies go back on one naturally, but lots don’t. And almost all babies need help learning how to fall or stay asleep. (I have other posts on Sleeping). Most babies want to fall asleep after their feeds, so it takes effort to keep them up. But they are usually happy when they can do it, and excited to be around you.

But don’t ever punish a baby for not being on the schedule. They can’t help it… they’re just a baby! Go back to the rotation, flex it if they’ve missed a feeding or need help bumping bedtime up or down. Work with where the baby is at that time. If it’s a time change, usually a week is enough. If it’s a vacation or house guests, it usually only takes a day or two of effort. The same with sickness. If your baby thinks that getting up in the middle of the night or special attention is now the norm, it usually doesn’t take more than three nights to go back to normal (provided the child is actually feeling better!). It will be hardest the first night, but stick with it… it will be easier the second night. And remember that babies can generally re-learn their routines as quickly as they lost them; their flexibility is both a curse and a blessing. But they will definitely re-learn more quickly than they learned the first time! The key is always kind and gentle, but firm and resolute, persistence.

How to establish a baby schedule

Ok, I’m not sure why this is so hard. But it can be, especially if this is your first baby. Let me try and be clear.

Here’s the schedule:

• Eat
• Wake
• Sleep

That’s it!

Just do this over and over throughout the day, in that order, on a three to four hour rotation, and your baby will be on a schedule.

Ok, now for some more detail…

A schedule starts with eating—you nurse or bottle feed. When the baby is done eating, you keep him up for as long as he can be happy. You play with him, bathe him, entertain him, whatever. Then when he gets fussy, you put him down for a nap. When he wakes up, you feed and the rotation starts again.

If you put some effort into it, this rotation should take roughly three to four hours. Younger babies are usually closer to three hours (two-and-a-half to three-and-a-half hours). Older babies are usually closer to four hours (three-and-a-half to four-and-a-half hours). Bottle fed babies can usually go longer, and nursing babies sometimes can’t go as long as bottle-fed babies until they are on solid food for awhile. But in general, a three to four hour eating rotation fulfills the needs of the baby’s stomach, your needs to make good milk (if you’re nursing), and facilitates good sleeping. Feeding more or less often can compromise these things.

NOTE: always err on the side of feeding too often for a nursing baby, in the early days. It is more important that they eat often (for calories and milk supply needs), then it is to get a schedule going. Usually by the time they are able to stay awake during a feeding, they are ready for a schedule to start.

That said, a rotation can help stabilize the newborn’s personality, if they are too passive (sleeps a lot, doesn’t wake up for meals) or if they are too hyper (fussy, colicky, or resisting sleep). I started as early as five days old for one of my babies who had their days and nights totally mixed up. And I would have started earlier for one of my babies who wanted to sleep almost all day and didn’t gain enough weight on his own rhythm.

A schedule for a little newborn depends on their particular temperament, but most of my little babies looked something like this in the earliest days: nurse for 30-40 minutes (hard to stay awake), then right back to sleep (1.5hrs). Eventually the baby was able to stay awake for a little bit after the feeding, so it looked like: nurse for 30-40 mins, awake for 10-30 mins, nap for 45-90mins. Then the baby was able to stay awake during the feeding, and the feeding started speeding up: nurse for 20-30 mins, awake 30 mins, nap for 45-90 mins. By the time the baby was able to nurse more quickly and wake up from his own naps without me either waking him up or trying to keep him asleep, the rotation looked like: nurse 15-30mins, awake 30-45 mins, nap for 90 mins. This was around the six to eight week mark, I think.

The goal was for the baby to get on an eat/wake/sleep schedule that looked like this: nurse 15-20mins, awake for 45-90mins, nap for 90mins. So a total rotation of 2.5 to 3.5 hours. Most of them reached this point by 2 or 3 months. They were chubbier by then, and the milk supply was good. And I just kept repeating this rotation throughout the day as long as I was awake (doing the last feeding around 11pm-12am), and they would start sleeping at least five hours at a stretch at night. Two of my babies were sleeping through the night by six weeks (seven hours, 11-6am or 12-7am). Don’t throw stones at me—the others took five to seven months to reach that point =)

Once the baby starts sleeping through the night a little bit though (five-seven hours), I would add an extra feeding in the morning and cluster feed in the evenings. I did this because a growing baby knows how many calories they need, and if they don’t get those calories during the day, they will usually wake up at night as much as necessary to get them. But you never want to move into having more wake up times at night—you always want to have fewer. A newborn baby might wake up seven times between 12 and 5am. But as you institute the schedule, they will quickly settle to about two times. And once they get to just one time, you want to keep that schedule strong until that one feeding goes away. It might not go away until they reach a certain weight or get on some solid food. It might not go away if they are growing like a weed or your milk supply is low. But once it goes, it is important to make sure you are feeding enough during the day to keep it gone, which for me meant a first nursing at 6 or 7am, and then again at 7:30am or 8:30am. And it meant feeding at 6, 8, and 10pm intervals in the evening (or something close to that). Don’t deify the schedule, but make it work for you.

Once your baby is sleeping through the night about six to seven hours, and getting on some solid food, they should be able to take longer naps too. It all works together. The goal is to coax your baby into moving from 45min naps to 90-min naps. (See my posts on Sleeping). Then when your baby can stay up for awhile after their feedings, and are probably on solid food, they can move to taking closer to a 2hr nap. They take fewer of them, though, and the schedule starts flexing to roughly four hours. My 4-8 month babies were on a schedule that looked something like this: nurse 10-15mins, awake 1.5-2.5 hrs, nap 90-135mins. They were still eating twice in the mornings, though, and twice before bedtime. And they were getting solid food about four times a day, a cracker or bit of fruit before their nap, and taking three naps a day. So there is flexibility in the older baby days, at least once they get on food. You are probably less uptight by then, more established in your and your baby’s needs, and not concerned about the baby’s weight. If not, though, go back to the younger baby schedule, and do that until you are getting results. Don’t move to the older baby (flexible) rotations until you see some signs:

• sleeping through the night (five to seven hours at once, or seven to nine hours with just one wake-up)
• good naps, at least 90mins.
• ability to eat at least some solid food (cereal, pears, etc)
• good weight gain, diaper output
• ability to stay awake and play after feedings

Your goal is to get the older baby to fit in with your family, with a schedule closer to this: wake up after 6am, eat/wake/sleep on approximately four hour rotations until bedtime, bedtime before 11pm. This might look like about three naps a day, five to six feedings (bottles or nursing), and about three solid meals plus snacks as necessary. My older babies reached something like this, by seven or eight months:

Nursing: 7am/8:30am, 11am, 3pm, 7pm, 10pm

Naps: 9-11, 1-3, 6-7, bedtime between 10 and 11pm

Solid food at 11, 3, 7; small snacks before naps/bedtime

I pretty much continued a schedule like this until they were weaned around a year old, at a good weight, and sleeping well through the night (also past the critical teething, standing, etc. landmarks, which can interfere with sleep). But they dropped the third catnap between 6 -7pm and went to bed a little earlier (8 or 9pm). Somewhere between 11 and 13 months old, all my babies were fitting in with the rest of the family’s eating and sleeping schedule with the exception of staying up until 8 or 9pm. And sometime between 13 and 16months old, they dropped to one nap per day, about 2 or 2.5hrs, and went to bed with any older children, at 7:30pm.

So I hope this is helpful to you in some way. Obviously you can see that the earlier days of schedule-making are more rigid and artful than the older days. At least, they are if you start early enough! The main thing is to not watch the clock as much as you watch the rotation… you don’t have to feed at 12, 3, 6, 9, etc. every day… you just have to feed about every three hours. If the baby wakes up later one day, start then. Goes to bed earlier one night, end then. Sleeps a little less during a nap, start then. But keep in mind the end goal you want, and work towards that. Put some effort into it, and you will train your baby’s cues. You will know when their fussing means they’re tired. You will know when they’ve been awake long enough and needs their nap. You will know when they’ve been sleeping too long and need to eat. No matter what age you start, the training will work. But you will see results more quickly, the earlier you start. And flex your schedule to meet your baby’s unique needs, and those of your family. Flex it as the results come in that you want, and go back to more structure when results come in that you don’t want.

Ok, so I started out wanting to be clear. I’m not sure if I was. Please comment if you want, or ask questions.

More on Sleeping

Other than feeding your baby on a schedule, no other baby topic is more discussed than sleeping. Probably because it seems like the hardest thing in the world for babies to do, but the number one things ALL moms/dads want their babies to do. I know very few people who actually ENJOY waking up in the middle of the night with their babies after the first few months… although there are a few weird few =)

So after posting a big blog on sleeping earlier, I have a few more thoughts to add here.

1. See your baby as an immature adult who needs sleep. The tendency is to view your baby as “a baby.” An alien thing, different from a real person, who operates on different rules. But as soon as you have a toddler, you see what your baby is growing into and it hits you that your baby is just an immature person after all. Look at your toddler who normally sleeps eight hours or so but then misses a good night sleep because they were sick or having nightmares. See how drowsy and irritable they are that next day, and how they need a nap. That is exactly what you have in your baby, in miniature form. They are tired, just as you are, from not sleeping a full night’s sleep. They need your help to get it. And contrary to their behavior, their bodies want it, and it is a reasonable goal for them to reach.

2. Look for the longer stretch. Most newborns come out sleeping a lot but with a predisposition to sleep one longer stretch without waking than others. This longer stretch could be during the day or night, four hours or nine. But as the mom, your job is to identify that longer stretch, finagle it to come out at night, and then stretch it to the needed time length. It is like God’s boost, so find it and work with it. But don’t make the totally-understandable mistake of allowing that stretch during the day. Of course you are sleepy and you want to take a nap, do the groceries, help your toddler, or whatever other normal things are calling for an hour or two of your attention. But do the right thing and keep your newborn on enough of a routine that you wake them up after a three-hour sleep (max) to feed them. If you don’t, you will be robbing yourself of more sleeptime at night. You don’t guarantee a longer stretch at night right away, but there is very little chance that a young baby who has slept five hours in the afternoon will repeat another five hour stretch at night (whereas it is likely they will do five hours at night if they haven’t been allowed to during the day). Work with your baby’s schedule to see if you can get that five-hour stretch from 12am-5am, and you will be leagues ahead to getting a good night sleep soon.

If you ignore the longer stretch in the early days, it can disappear completely. Really try your best to look for it, and if they don’t have it, don’t let your baby go more than four hours from one feed to the next during the day (from 5am to 12am that night). You may see it resurface.

3. Skip the Bedtime Routine. I’m not sure who came up with the idea that babies need a bath before bed, but it wasn’t a mom of a normal newborn. I can’t think of anything that woke my baby up more than a bath. All four of them hated it. At least until they were four or five months old. There was no way I was giving my baby a bath as part of their bedtime routine unless I thought screaming and shivering was somehow going to wear them out so they’d sleep. So I would advise skipping that, as well as all changing clothes, massages, playtimes, and whatever else could possibly make your baby stimulated. Little babies don’t need a routine, they need peace. (Toddlers need a routine because they don’t like surprises or you being in charge.) So do all the bathing and changing clothes earlier in the day, preferably whenever they need to wake up!

4. Feed them. When people say you shouldn’t nurse your baby to sleep, that doesn’t mean you can’t feed them before bedtime. Until they are quite a bit older, most babies want a full tummy to sleep. And even when they are older, most babies want a full tummy in order to go to bed for eight or more hours. (Even many adults like a midnight snack!) So go ahead and nurse your baby before bedtime.

Note: I don’t recommend feeding before a nap unless your baby has been awake for more than two hours or so since his last feeding, or unless they are going to sleep for three hours (not normal). THIS IS THE SINGLE MOST COMMON MISTAKE IN KEEPING A 3 OR 4 HOUR SCHEDULE. On a three or four hour eating routine, you already fed the baby when they last woke up, and then you kept them up for a bit until they were ready for their nap. But if you feed the baby before their nap, you will be creating a one or two hour routine because almost all babies want to eat again when they wake up. Feeding both before and after a nap can definitely affect your milk supply, and then you don’t make enough milk to hold your baby for more than two hours at a time. It is definitely true that your baby will LOOK like he needs to eat when he gets tired. They start crying and sucking when it’s nap time because it’s like a reflex: sucking is the only thing they can do. But use your head. If the baby ate two hours ago or less, they probably don’t need food. They probably need to suck, because sucking is soothing and helps them get to sleep. Babies aren’t dumb—if sucking pacifies them, and they need a nap, they will make that trademark sucking/rooting response. Try skipping the nursing or bottle you’d normally give, and put them down for a nap instead (a pacifier or thumb may be worth a try here). Or, if you have an older baby, try giving a cracker or something else.

Back to the main point: when people say not to nurse your baby to sleep, they don’t mean your baby’s tummy should be empty. They mean you don’t want to nurse them to sleep, expecting that they will fall asleep in your arms and then you will be able to seamlessly transfer them to their crib, blissfully staying in Sleepyland. That probably won’t happen after a month or two, nor is it good to depend on it. The same goes with rocking. If rocking soothes your baby, or makes him sleepy, then rock. But don’t rely on the rocking as virtual Ativan. Help your baby prepare for bed by being calm and fed (and relatively scheduled), and then put him in his crib! Don’t be afraid of his awakeness or fussing, but let him figure out how to fall asleep. Trust me, you will save yourself DAYS of stress if you give your baby this ONE opportunity to learn this while they’re young.

5. Don’t rely on other props. Similar rules apply to pacifiers, vibrators, lullabies, swings, special sleeping bags, or other soothers. Use practically, not out of anxiety. Soothers for the baby, not the baby for soothers.

6. Peaceful environment. If possible, give the baby a room of its own or put it to bed later than siblings so she doesn’t have to deal with other people’s noise when trying to learn how to fall asleep. I realize that space of their own is a luxury for some families, and that’s fine. My first baby had to share our small apartment’s living room. But common sense dictates that a baby will fall asleep better if they have a peaceful (non-stimulating) environment to go to bed in. Make the area dark, warm, and relatively quiet. Actually, it’s probably helpful for babies to learn to fall asleep with some noise so they habituate to your family’s hubbub, but any SUDDEN noise is going to wake up most babies. So children playing outside is fine, or the normal hums of dishwashers and television. But if you know your preschoolers are going to drop toys all over your wood floors near the baby’s room, or you are going to vacuum in a couple minutes, try to do that farther away. Or turn on a white noise fan in the baby’s room so the sounds are not so sharp.

7. Fight the good fight with older babies, but recognize the battle you will have. My friends who have had bad sleepers often gave up on them by the time they are crawling around. I think they expected that if their child wasn’t sleeping/napping well by six months or so, there was no hope. Then they got toddlers who wouldn’t sleep, which was much worse. Sleeping tips will work for older babies, and should be used, but don’t kid yourself into thinking it will be easy. By the time babies are crawling around, or walking, or talking, the game gets harder because their emotions and wills are much stronger (and smarter!). They have already had a history of not enjoying sleep for six or twelve months, and that isn’t going to go away because you stop getting up with them at night, institute some patting, or start a schedule. You should do those things, but you are going to have to be firmer and more distant at bedtimes (i.e. no talking, no games, bribes, or engagement). You don’t have to be cold or punitive, but you do have to be more matter-of-fact… e.g. This is bedtime now, and this is how we do it. I can’t tell you how long it will take for your older baby to catch on… it depends on their temperaments and exactly your mannerisms. I’d say that in a textbook case of you doing all the right things that you’d see progress in three to seven days. But it might take a month for a six month old, or several months for a young toddler.

8. Expect testing as your baby grows. I say “testing,” but really I just mean exceptions. Even a textbook sleeper will have times where he or she needs more growing, or more encouragement, to go/stay asleep. You’re not off-duty just because they’re in bed. (You wish!) Some things that caused my kids to wake up: eating/pooping changes in routine, teething, bad dreams, sickness, sudden noises, vacations, time changes, hotels/Grandparents/visitors, learning to stand up, learning to kick the crib/wall, learning to take off their clothes/diaper, getting their feet stuck in the bars, noise from other siblings, cognitive spurts (i.e. learning to babble, talk, sing, etc.) Some of these things were more annoying than others to deal with, but all of them simply required dealing with the problem (instruction, discipline, or care) and then return to regular sleeping rules. With a day or two of the matter-of-fact Mommy Attitude, they returned to their normal bedtime habits. And the behavior was always the exception rather than the rule. It takes some steel to be firmer with your children concerning sleep, but it pays off because then you know when they are crying in the middle of the night, or getting out of their beds, that they really have a problem. This is pure gold.

9. Only some are real fighters. In that case, rest time is your best weapon. You know the old expression, “You can lead a dog to water, but you can’t make it drink.” Well, you can lead your child to bed, but you can’t make him sleep. But that’s ok. By the time your child is a toddler, he sleeps for himself, but he goes to bed for you. Babies are a little different because they really do need that sleep. And food. But by the time your baby is on 3 or 4 meals a day and they aren’t ruled by their digestive system, they need to be on a sleep schedule that really works for you and your spouse. And if you are diligent with your sleep training, you will find that only a few kids are true fighters. The rest give in. If your child is one of those true fighters—and you will probably see evidence of this fighting in other areas—then combat with rest time. Accommodate her needs a little by not making nap or bedtime extraordinarily long, but give her reasonable and firm limits that she has to be in her bed quietly at a certain time. If I had a really resistant toddler, I might plan 2-3:30 as a roomtime and 8:00 or 8:30pm as bedtime (assuming a wake-up of 7 or 7:30am). And I might say that she could play quietly in her room during naptime as long as I didn’t hear or see her. And I might allow her to be in bed with the lights on for half an hour at bedtime before I came and turned them off myself later. I think this would be more than reasonable, even for a real fighter. But the point is, you want to give the resistant child an opportunity to rest and a challenge to see if sleep might grow on her. If you don’t, she will be deprived of the rest she biologically needs and the chances to change her heart about it. There is no reason why a little child should rule the roost with protest over bed as long as the parents aren’t cruel, punitive, or unreasonable about it. Make the bed and room a nice place to be, and not too overstimulating. And stand firm. Present the drink authoritatively, but don’t worry about forcing it to occur.

My Breastfeeding Schedules

little babies, breast-feeding

• 7 or 8am
• 10am
• 1pm
• 4pm
• 7pm
• 9pm
• 11pm
• 2,3,4, or 5am- one or two feedings, will be deleted when baby sleeps through the night

middler babies, breast-feeding

• 7 am
• 8:30am
• 11:30am
• 3:30pm
• 6:30pm
• 8:30pm
• 10:30pm

older babies, breast-feeding

• 7am
• 11:00am
• 3pm
• 7pm
• 9 or 10:00pm