Don’t Take It Personally!

“NYAAAH!”

“No MommEEEE! No!  NO! NOOO!”

These kinds of outbursts from your very young ones, several hundred times a day/seven days a week, can drive you crazy.  It’s like you are personally put on earth to frustrate your toddler.  Everything you want them to eat, they don’t want to eat it.  Every toy you want them to try, they don’t want to play with it.  Everything you want them to climb off of, you have to pry them kicking and screaming.  And forget about throwing something in the trash, picking up a sock, or some other “constructive” chore.  Your little one doesn’t want to do it and they are very vocal about letting you know.

The fact is, it isn’t personal.  No matter how much it seems like your little kid will be an angel for grandma, or daycare, or daddy, or whoever, but NOT YOU… it isn’t true.  What’s really going on is that your relationship and your environment (usually Mom, at home) is the default structure in her life.  It is the most familiar to your child so she understands it most and can get frustrated or bored with it most.  When you take her to grandma’s, or daycare, or someone else’s house, it is new and exciting and the emotions of curiosity take over.  There’s usually more stimulation.  The rules are different.  The style and expectations are different (especially with dad).  There is novelty as a child explores a different relationship or just goes off by themselves.  But with Mom, at home, things make the most sense and are the most comfortable and the most familiar.  It’s just you and them, calmer, closer.  So it’s the most likely to cause frustration or rebellion.  Thus you get the “Nyaaaah!” or “No! NOOOO!” often as you provide the rules, structure, and relationship boundaries that the child really needs.

In some ways, this is nice because it means you are a springboard for education and morality.  On the other hand, it can drive you nuts.

This is probably the most common let-down for moms of toddlers and preschoolers.  We don’t want everything to be a battle or a challenge.  We want to make our children happy.  And we don’t want to have a hard time with our baby while others have an easier time with them.  We want a day with them to be blissful, precious.  We have visions of them cheerfully playing with play doh or looking up at us with their surprised, grateful eyes as we help them. But instead it’s an afternoon of resisting naps, heading towards the stairs, spitting out food, or dumping the bowl down for the dog to lick up.  (At least someone is surprised and grateful.)

The result is we start to feel challenged by our little one, like they are there to test us.   They act like we’re there to test them!  Then we’re guilty for feeling that way: what’s wrong with me that I’m struggling?  We believe it’s all normal but it still feels personal.

Here’s one positive thought that you can use to combat this.  Now that my children have grown up slightly, I can see that they STILL feel this way.  And it’s not personal at all.  A ten year old boy still feels frustrated and challenged and bored, and all the things your toddler does.  And he still feels these things mostly at home, mostly with me.  If he were still pre-verbal, he’d likely still be saying “Nyaah!” or ” No, Mommeee, NOOO!”  Instead he just screws up his face, or kind of pouts a little, and drags his feet off to do whatever he wishes he didn’t have to do.  Or goes off to self-soothe after a fallout with his sibling, or a beloved toy breaks.  The feelings are just the same but the expression is different.

At the same time, he is just a little boy coping with disappointing feelings.  These are sometimes caused by me–by rules or expectations–but mostly they are caused by him.  They are just the fleshly way of dealing with let downs, whatever they may be, whatever the source is.  That doesn’t mean that I can’t shape or discourage certain behaviors.  I will not let him mouth off to me, just as I wouldn’t let him throw things across the room when he was 2.  But now that he is older, I can have more mercy on his disappointed responses to life because I can see and understand them better.  He can explain them. For the most part, I have discovered that he’s just an innocent ten year old boy.  He’s not a teenager having really personal, vindictive thoughts towards his parents.  And neither is your 2 year old.

Not convinced?  Let me give you an example of what I mean.

Last summer, at the end of August, I noticed him walking through the kitchen with COMPLETELY DEMOLISHED sneakers.  I mean, both sets of toes were entirely showing through the tops like an animal had chewed gigantic holes in them.  I honestly don’t know how long they were like that, but I suspect it was awhile because when I made a big stink about it, my son was totally shocked like, “What?  There’s a problem here?”  As if he’d been walking around with them, rain or shine, and not having a problem with it until I suddenly discovered one.

Now I could have taken this personally.  I could have interpreted this as an offense like, “You just don’t CARE about your shoes.  Or how much money Mommy SPENT on those shoes.”  Then I would have been projecting adult thoughts upon him–because that’s what you think if a friend ruins something you lent them, or if your sixteen-year old bashes up your car.  But I took a step back from the situation, breathed, and depersonalized it.  It suddenly occurred to me that he was a nine-year old boy and to assume nothing.  Instead I asked questions like, “How long have your shoes been like that? (I don’t know.)”  When did you first notice them like that? (Maybe the other day).”  “Do you have any idea what’s causing that? (No.  Maybe my bike?)”  And so forth.

Eventually I was able to use my Mom Brain to figure that he was using his sneakers as brakes for his bike all summer.  With more questioning, this was confirmed.  But the point is, none of this was done to make me angry, to stall on purpose, or because my son had any thoughts about devaluing his possessions.  In fact, he had had NO THOUGHTS AT ALL.  That was the problem.  It didn’t occur to him to think about the long-term consequences of using his sneakers for brakes.  It didn’t occur to him that I would find out later and be mad, or that he would get wet toes as Autumn advanced.  He just needed to stop, found the hand brakes hard to use, and didn’t think he needed to change things as his toes started making their appearance.  It was a logic problem, not a slight against me.

He was also authentically stunned that I figured this all out.  He looked at me like, “HOW did you get this?”  That was the funniest part

The point is, my ten year old was not capable of calculating destruction and your little one isn’t either.  They just can’t reason things through yet, and many of their lines of reasoning make no sense at all.  Especially if you have a little boy, I would bet you ten dollars that most of his frustration and rebellion come from NOT thinking, not from evil thinking.  A little kid can of course calculate to get their way to some extent (i.e. it doesn’t take a brain surgeon to go for the popsicles when you’re not looking).  But the overall fact remains that at some point when your kids can talk to you and you can reason through things with them, that you will be AMAZED at how much they don’t know, can’t predict, and can’t understand.  It will then make no sense at all why you ascribed such rational logic to them when they were a preschooler throwing a tantrum.

So what is the answer then?  How do we deal with bad attitudes and behavior? Well, the first step, as I’ve said all along, is to depersonalize it.  This has to be done before any kind of discipline or confrontation.  Think of your toddler like a pet that can’t have what they want–the dog that wants their owner to wake up, or the cat that wants to escape outside.  Your little child has a similar amount of evil intent and reasoning ability.  They have very real desires and emotions, but these are not well thought out yet, and definitely not ascribed to YOU personally.  The problem is that we’ve all seen a little too many movies like “Look Who’s Talking” or “The Incredible Journey” where the voices of animals and pets are given very adult-like scripts.  In most cases, we’re projecting upon them what’s going on and then extrapolating from those responses instead of just treating them in a more matter-of-fact like manner.

Secondly, explore reasons why you might be projecting adult-like emotions on your child.  Are you feeling insecure or guilty?  Most moms are guilt-manufacturing machines.  We just feel inadequate about everything, and baby’s responses plus cultural pressures only serve to confirm this feeling.  Deal with that.  You probably don’t feel too guilty about how you treat your pet.  Again, this is a good rubric for about how much guilt you really should have at this stage of life.  (You can save REAL guilt for the adolescent years, or if your kid isn’t toilet trained by age eleven

Lastly, deal with the actual behavior that’s bothering you.  Once you aren’t operating out of your own guilt and anxiety, come up with a plan that sublimates a bad response into a good one.  For example, my ten year old is not allowed to mouth off at me any more than he was allowed to throw blocks across the room when he was little.  But he is allowed to feel upset or depressed with my rules.  I am ok with being a source of frustration and rebellion on some level–that’s my job.  But I am not a doormat for his responses.  I expect them, then shape them.  A toddler should probably be allowed to say “Nyaaah!”  But after that outburst, they still have to be led to do (or not do) what I asked.  “You can be upset with picking up your toys, but you must still pick them up…” is kind of the attitude.  Any actual defiant behavior at that point (throwing the toys around the room) would then require discipline.

The bottom line is, your little child wants what they want and will let Mommy know first when she stands in the way.  But your little one is still LITTLE.  They are just venting frustration right and left about what’s wrong with their world: their bodies, their limitations, their boredom, their sense of injustice. They don’t know you are a person, with feelings–with very sensitive Mommy feelings that will all crash down when they cry for the third day in a row over their nap.  They are just trying to get what they want and they don’t understand why they can’t have it.  It’s all about the moment.

So take a deep breath and realize it’s not personal.  It’s not about you, even if your child SAYS that it is.  I promise you that when your child grows up a little more and you can see how little they actually understand, you will realize that your two-year old is not capable of ascribing all the evil in the world to you.

Grocery Woes

It’s the stereotypical problem: moms with little kids in the grocery store.  Having had four kids in a row, there were a couple years where I had four children under four years old, then four children under five, then four children under six.  I even had three in diapers at some point.  And I have to be honest…I usually went grocery shopping by myself!  In those years, going to the grocery store was my own “date night,” a date with food.  And peace   I did take all the kids sometimes, but mostly I went out when my husband was home at night.  Sometimes I even went to the Walmart for groceries (even though they had terrible produce) because they were open until midnight.  It was so fun to walk around and think about nothing except what I wanted to prepare, at 11pm.  Also hardly anyone is there at that point so it’s serene, almost spa-like…

Ok, maybe not

But I have to be unhypocritical and recommend that if you have a bunch of little babies and potty trainers in your home–or even just two!–consider the lifestyle shift.  It is SO worth the sanity.  You continue to enjoy meal-planning and you never have embarrassing meltdowns.  Instead of trying to lug your babies to the store and get interrupted because they dropped their toy or are crying and need to go to the bathroom while you’re in the checkout, leave them at home and go at night–even if you worked all day and your feet hurt.  You will most likely remember everything you need, you can pay more attention to your list, if you have it, and you probably won’t buy wrong or unnecessary items because you were distracted or someone asked for bonus food.

Or go early Saturday morning when only the early bird old ladies are awake.  Get up, nurse the baby or whatever, and run out!  You can get home by 9am as if nothing ever happened.  (One time I did this and left the two year old in Daddy’s room with the baby gate up, while Daddy slept.  I would never have been able to sleep, but Daddy could

About the time I had two kids who could safely walk outside the cart without me worrying I’d give them a concussion or a heel with no skin if I misjudged for a millisecond, I started taking them a little more often.  This was around when my kids were 6, 5, 4, and 2 (three potty trained well).  It took me awhile to figure out a regime which ensured grocery success, but here’s some things I came up with…

Prepare.

1. Feed children a snack BEFORE the store.

2.  Make sure all kids have gone to the bathroom BEFORE the store.  Change the baby’s diaper even if it doesn’t look like it needs it because you’d be surprised how wet they suddenly look when you plump them down in the cart.  I never brought a diaper bag to the store–I’d tuck an extra diaper in the infant carseat cushion when they were tiny, and down the back of my pants when they were older.

3.  Bring distractions for 1-3 year olds in the cart, especially near the end of the trip when they’re tired.  I used an old cell phone that was disconnected from our account but still had battery power.  A Transformer toy or something with jiggly parts also works.  FYI, something with noise is annoying but always has more attention power.

4.  Consider a list.  We almost always have a list when we go.  This is very helpful because you can assign one child to hold the list, one child to check what is on it as we go along, and another child to cross off things as they are put in the cart.  (A pencil is easier to cross off with, than a pen.)  This happens to occupy my three boys, who really need something to do other than look for treats along the way.  The list also helps make sure you get what you really needed in the first place, and not put in too many things you don’t need.  Sometimes I let my older ones read the list in the car so they can start their minds thinking about they’re going to be looking for in the store rather than what they’re not.

 Before Shopping.

1.  Before you get out of the car, give The Lecture.  I tell my kids that there will be absolutely NO asking Mom for special things in the store.  They’re not even allowed to tell me, “Hey Mom, look at this!” (I let them tell each other though ) You don’t have to be as strict as me.  The point is just to make clear what you expect before you get in there.  I also tell my boys that they need to walk on the same side of the aisle I’m on, and not more than two cart lengths away.  The littlest one can hang on the front or back of the cart, but not the sides.  No running at any time.  And no-one is allowed to take stuff and put it in the cart without telling me, even if it something we always buy (just so we don’t end up buying four ketchups).  Tell them EVERYTHING you expect and do this EVERY time so they say “Mom, we know, we know!”  Then there can’t be any dispute that they didn’t know, if they get in trouble.

2.  Offer a reward.  If they get through the store without bugging me for stuff, they get a snack when we’re all back in the car on the way home.  Otherwise, no snack.   One mom I know does this except that she and her kids make a big deal about what snack they’re going to buy in the store very first thing when they go in there.  So they all go to the cookie aisle or whatever and pick something out and put it in the cart first.  Then they continue the shopping and use it as a bribe until they get all the way through.  I tried this a couple times but there was a lot of pressure to pick and better and better reward, which took up more and more time right off the bat.  So then I just went back to regular snack things I was going to buy anyway and reminded them that they’d get it early if they were good.   Worked for them.

Note: When I had my really young toddlers, like 9-18months, I did put graham crackers in the cart first thing and give them one a couple times throughout the trip.  Another mom I know does fruit, but one time I gave my two year old a very small apple to work on as I shopped…and then at some point in the trip, he handed me back the stem and I realized he’d eaten the whole thing, even the core!  So don’t do that unless you’re paying attention

3.  Offer potty trainers a chance to go to the bathroom one last time before you start shopping.  Do not give any liquids during the trip.

4.  Be prepared to leave the store if real trouble arises.  I am not saying you have to leave a store if your two year old pitches a fit and you’re really close to getting out of there.  It happens.  But with my little crew (who are 9, 8, 7, and 5 now), this is the rule.  They actually think getting to shop is a privilege because I’m so strict about it!  They know if they argue with me, fight with each other, or otherwise cause a disturbance, we are out of there.  We only had to do this one time, and I made them apologize to the customer service person on the way out because we were leaving our cart there, half-full.  I wasn’t mad or anything, I just calmly informed them that was enough and led them out.  They cried on the way home because they thought they wouldn’t have any milk in their cereal for breakfast the next morning.  (They did.)  When we went back the next day, they were whispering and reminding each other the whole time to stop arguing

At the Store.

1.  You have already informed them of the rules, so just remind them as necessary.  I always have to remind my boys not to run (because they will, when they see something exciting and then call to each other about it).  Just part of being a boy.  I also have to remind them to move out of people’s way or stop blocking traffic.  This is normal but do TRY to get them to think about it once in a while.

2.  Consider cart arrangement.  I used to carry the baby in the sling when I shopped, so I could see better and put things in the seat where the infant carseat usually goes.  I tried not to have more than two people on/in the cart.  We did those kids’ Car Carts for awhile where they “drive” in the front, but that led to a lot of getting out and getting in.  My typical thing with the littles was wear one, let one sit in the front seat, one hang on the end, and one walking with me holding on somewhere.  Then we graduated to two in the cart (one in seat, one in the cart) and two walking (one on one side of me, one on the other).  Now we’re at all four walking with the littlest one allowed to ride in the seat or hang on the end when she’s tired.  Do what works!

3.  Distraction is your friend.  With a whole brood, distraction is really important, especially for ages 5-10.  Minding the list is a good start, but find other ways if your kids normally drive you crazy.  Teach them about sales and checking prices per unit.  Even the littlest ones can be taught to look for the yellow sale tags.  Have them check them as you’re picking your items–like “Which is cheaper this week, the Cheerios or generic O’s?”  You can even ask them to look at something you’re not going to buy, just to give them something to think about other than why you’re getting chicken when they don’t LIKE chicken.  Tell them to compare prices of something they’ve never seen before like turkey gizzards or whatever is nearby.  They get to look at something new and think about something productive.

One thing my 9 year old likes to do is add up the saving as we go.  Keeps his mind busy.  If the cheese we buy is 40cents on sale, he’ll try to remember that.  Then if the apple juice is on sale for 30cents cheaper, he’ll add that to the 40.  By the end of the trip, he likes to tell us how much we saved as best as he can remember.  Sometimes my 8 year old will check the receipt in the car on the way home to see if he’s right.

For younger kids, like 4-6, I like to tell them to look for the items we normally buy.  When we get to the peanut butter, for example, I’ll say, “Ok, can you find the peanut butter we usually get?”  This takes my 5 and 6 year olds a couple minutes and ensures they are staying in the right spot while I figure out whether I want to try “Lite” strawberry jelly or not.  I do the same thing with the bread, pasta, toothpaste, etc.  This keeps their eyes looking for what we get instead of what new thing they want to try. And they always feel triumphant after they’ve found something in a really hard spot.  After awhile, the kids will learn where everything is and this won’t be fun for them.  But my 5 and 6 year old have found it fun for a whole year now. I can tell they are learning the aisles really well because I’ll catch them saying things like, “the next aisle is the peanut butter… I know where it is!”  The only thing you have to watch then, is the racing to go get it before you’re that close

My older kids like the challenge of something slightly more complicated.  I’ll tell them something like: “We’re going to get pretzels this week.  Go down this aisle and look at all the pretzels.  Find the ones on sale, compare the prices, and pick the ones you want to try from the 2 or 3 best ones.  But don’t run.”  That keeps them busy!  It also keeps me from having to walk past all the cookies (which are at the end of that aisle) and dealing with sadness that we’re not getting any of them.  The kids find the pretzels they want, feel triumphant about it, and bring their trophy to where I am at the milk and OJ nearby; I don’t go down that aisle at all.

4.  If you get stuck in the lunchmeat line, my kids like the challenge of reorganizing the cart.  It can feel like an eternity, so rather than having them pine away for the donuts and pies nearby, I’ll have them shift things around in the cart so light things are on top, or frozen things are near each other.  This is also the time my 5 year old gets tired and I let her stuff herself into the shopping cart seat where she can tell her brothers that their configuration isn’t good enough or they missed the butter on her side.

5.  Negotiate Extras.  While I don’t let my boys point out everything cool they see, sometimes we really do all realize we want something special.  There’s kind of an expectation that on any given trip, we will add ONE special thing to the cart.  So whatever things the kids have seen along the way, they kind of figure out if anything really is special–or sometimes I decide myself–and we’re all happy to add it near the end.

The Checkout.

1.  The easiest way to get through the checkout is to have everyone help get the items on board.  Seems simple enough, but my four can sure be clumsy and wild during this process.  This is where arguing can start because someone really wants to load the Angry Birds gummy snacks, but someone ELSE grabbed it first.  I have not exactly figured this out yet, sorry to say.

2.  Once all things are on the belt, I have my kids go to the end of the checkout where the person is helping bag.  They pull the cart forward towards them and I tell them to each hang on to it.  This seems dumb, but it helps for a couple reasons.  First, no one gets accidentally sandwiched as the cart squeezes through.  Second, no-one gets stuck on the front end with me and either smashed by the next cart coming behind us or separated out into the general store while we’re going through.  Third, no-one wanders out the door without us, thinking it’s all over.  Fourth, no-one is stuck eyeing the candy bars while I’m trying to pay.  We DID have someone steal something one time, and another time my son spilled a bunch of them while he was picking them up and reading the ingredient list.  So to prevent all temptations and accidents right at that unfortunate time, they have to go to the end and hold onto the cart until the last bags are loaded.  Then we train out of there all together.

Whew!

Now I realize at this point some of you may think I’m ridiculous for even needing this process, let alone sharing it.  But you have to get creative when you have a bunch of little kids.  Some days not all props are needed because everyone is mellow and happy.  But sometimes on the way home from the YMCA or whatever, we’re not.  So having a little routine helps, even if it is a little involved.  This is ours.

I’m Not Good Enough

Ahhh, the “I’m Not Good Enough” Syndrome.  Welcome to motherhood.

Every mother feels this strongly at some point, especially when their children are young.  I would say that mothers with two or three young children under the age of five LIVE there.  Seriously, if you have a baby and a 2-yr old, or a toddler and a preschooler, you have permission to feel wilted and Zombie-ish for a year or two.

I really think this point gets lost on young mothers.  Having been one myself with four children four and under, I was really hard on myself, always feeling like a failure.   I couldn’t get this one to nurse enough, this one to take a nap, this one to stop playing with the remote, and this one to stop whining.  There was always this “under water” feeling, as I tried to cope with the daily foibles of little children.  But it wasn’t my fault.  And It wasn’t because I wasn’t taking action.  It was just the way it was.

If I could convince every mother with little children of this point, I would.  If I could bottle up and sell this message, so each mom could open it and take a deep whiff whenever they were stressed, I would.   I have so many friends going through this phase of life, and I have just left it, so I know how often you need to hear, “It’s ok to just survive today.  It will get better.  Hang in there.”

I think that moms with young children feel a lot of pressure.  I used to feel that I had to keep these kids in line so I wouldn’t be like that family who is losing it in the library, or the grocery store, or the playground.  I felt I could (or should) be different.  I felt that I had to find answers, had to fix problems.  I read books about motherhood, I listened to cultural messages about it, and I felt guilty that I didn’t have the romantic experience I was supposed to be having.  Some of my moments with my newborns were lovely and precious, but many of them were difficult and trying.  Sometimes I relished my toddler blowing a dandelion puff, but sometimes I was ready to strangle him.  Sometimes I was enthralled by a cute thing my preschooler said, but most of the time I was worried that he wasn’t developing enough on time.  Big black clouds threatened to cut off my joy a lot.  Plus I was tired, depleted, and annoyed with my extra pounds.  Recipe for disaster.

There is good news, though.  And the answer is not to check out.  I’m not going to tell you that structure isn’t necessary–it is.  I’m not going to tell you that training isn’t necessary– it is.  I’m not going to tell you that discipline and education aren’t  necessary– they are.   When you abandon those things, your children’s morality, your family life, and your emotional vibrancy suffer.  You’re close to authentic depression.

What I’m going to tell you is that expectations are everything.  Have high standards but do not EXPECT them.  Sounds hypocritical, but it’s not.  It is a pathway to joy.

Keeping your standards high–for structure, training, discipline, education, whatever–is important.  It provides hope, a direction, a mission.   You want to know where you’re going and what you believe in.  Remember how easy it was to idealize during your first pregnancy?  You thought clearly, then, about what you wanted for this baby.  You imagined how you would run your family differently.  You believed in special Sassy toys and Brainy Baby stuff.  Or maybe not, but you still idealized the baby experience and probably how each thing from pacifier to baby food was important.  It’s ok to have all that in mind as an ideal.

But keeping your expectations low means that you have permission to fail or fall behind.  You have permission to be a human being with human limits.  And the child does too.  They have permission to be a baby, to be difficult, to be behind.  You have permission to buy inorganic diapers or whatever other thing you swore you’d never do.  You want to know where you’re going to get out of all that, but you want to feel no pressure to be something you’re not.  Or in a place that you can’t reach. Being in survival mode for awhile is ok.  Getting that blissful reading time in is a goal but not a reason to feel you’re falling short.  Getting your two year old to stop climbing on the table is a goal but not a litmus test of your childraising techniques.  You need training tips and magic moments, but you don’t need more of them to prove you’re a good parent (especially to yourself).  Progress is the eventual result, but not something you will see every day.

In other words, Childhood is a MARATHON.  Your kids are going to be navigating a  very difficult obstacle course their whole life, for cleanliness, responsibility, intellectual ability, etc.  At least, they will if your standards are high. But daily expectations are low.  It doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong if your routine isn’t getting your baby to sleep.   Or that routines don’t work.  They do, they are right, keep going.  It doesn’t mean your discipline is all wrong if your three year old still badgers the baby.  Or that discipline doesn’t work.  Or that your goal is futile.  It does, it’s right, keep going.  Doing the right thing will eventually breed results, but not all results are fast.  In fact, most are very, very, VERY slow.  Especially in that special season of 0-5 yrs.

Now I’m not saying that you should keep doing something blindly.  If evidence is coming in that a discipline technique you’re using is bringing BAD results, change it.  Or if the standard you have is putting the child in distress, toss it out.  Ignoring bad evidence can be abusive.  But changing what you’re doing becuase you don’t see enough GOOD evidence (or fast enough) is premature. Keep the standards and ideals for the long haul in place, and trust your conscience for what techniques you believe in, and prepare for the long, slow march towards progress.

Because it’s so easy to judge before you have children, or to judge children of a different age group than your own.  But there are reasons why the common struggles *are* the common struggles.  Chances are, your children will have at least a handful of the same ones.  Sometimes you can kind of cherry-pick which ones you are firmly against by applying more training and discipline in a particular area (i.e. my child will NOT get away with backtalk in MY house!).  But keep your expectations low because you probably will experience it at least a little before your efforts kick in.  Not ALL mother have trouble getting their toddlers to nap, but many do.  Not ALL mothers have a challenging personality in their house, but many do.  Somewhere around you, a “good” mother is still struggling with what you’re struggling with.

And survival IS difficult.  Most mothers in my demographic grew up with a pretty nice, easy life.  We were raised in the suburbs with good parents who sent us to good schools.  There was money to take vacations and have pets, maybe even a pool in the backyard.  Teachers cared about whether we went to college, and which ones, and neighbors were safe and friendly.  We weren’t spoiled, but we didn’t know what we had and how hard it was to get it.  We assumed that we would go to college, get married, have a couple kids, and have the same standard of living as our parents did.  It looked so easy, so natural.

Then we got married and we realized, WHOA! Marriage is TOUGH!  Then we bought a house and realized, WHOA!  Owning a house is HUGE!  Then we had kids and realized, WHOA!  This is HARD!!  Everything was much harder that we were prepared for it to be, and we started thinking something was wrong with us.  What didn’t we know?  Why did everyone else seem to have such an easier time with this?  Why were we feeling “under water”?  No one told us that this is normal.  No one told us that they went through survival mode too, and that it was tough to even do that.  No one told us that relationships with spouses and kids were probably the hardest thing we would ever work at, and that they would be challenging, frustrating, even heart-breaking at times.  We just weren’t prepared for this level of responsibility and emotional hardship.  At least, I wasn’t.

Survival is hard, and it’s ok to feel like you are one step away from walking out the door.  That is absolutely normal.  What isn’t normal is to actually take the step out.  Only a small percentage do that, and you don’t want to be one of the ones.  The grass isn’t any greener once you’ve left a marriage or children.  You want to be one of the ones for whom what didn’t kill you, made you stronger.  You want to make it look easy for your kids when you’re forty or fifty.  You want to rise up and conquer the enemies rather than have them conquer you.  You can do this if you’re committed in ideals and action.  But you don’t have to get the results overnight.  Do you see the difference yet?  Work your butt off, for the right things, but don’t watch the pot boil.

This will give you hope and joy while you parent.

Lastly, moms feel pressure because they are stressed about things they think they need–instead of what the child needs.  You think you need your child to have some experience they’re not having, and that it is your responsibility to get them that.  But that’s often not what they need.  Does a baby need a new nursery?  No.  Does a toddler need more playdates?  No.  Does a preschooler need to feel happy all the time?  No.  Does any child need to be performing the same as other kids his age?  Or be compared to a checkbox on a chart?  No.  When you start making psychological standards for your child, and then trying to meet them, you will always feel pressure.  Get rid of any pressure that is coming from something you’re putting on yourself (or allowing society to put on you).   Ask yourself what things your child really needs to become a good person, and to feel loved in your house.  Put all your effort into that, and don’t settle for “sounds right” or “looks good” answers.

If You’re A Vegan (or wannabe) Please Make Sure You Check These Out

Every good mom wants her family to eat healthy.  Growing up and taking care of others makes you put more emphasis on your own health, and definitely that of the people you’re shaping.  The moment you get pregnant, you are bombarded (usually FIRST) with advice on eating healthy.  If you take natural childbirth classes, the mantra is repeated.  If you breastfeed, the mantra stays in place.  Then when you’re trying to lose the last bit of that pregnancy weight, and the scale won’t budge, there is a temptation to go radical.

Plus, you’re getting older.  You’re more in tune with your body, and your body is more sensitive.  Whereas you once cut corners, now your body acts up if you do.  You might have symptoms you’ve never had before and want to find the culprit.  Or worse, your kids do.  Maybe they have allergies or attention problems.  So you turn to gluten-free and dye-free diets, hoping for relief. You try things you might have heard about and dismissed before, because you’re looking for answers.

The fact is, for whatever reason, many moms naturally start thinking more about diet.  Most moms still do the cooking and meal-prep in their families, and if you are the one buying and actually putting the food on each of your family’s plates, you start thinking about each item you’re putting on there.

There’s nothing wrong with this.  It’s love and survival, built-in to being a mom.  And sometimes a strange culprit is found and rooted out for the benefit of your family.  But I’m writing this post because veganism is now all the rage– i.e. Oprah had her “radical vegan” challenge.  And with all the food books and documentaries hitting the market, there is a lot of concern over agriculture and the meat industry.  I started digging into this area myself because some of my friends were going vegan, and some were just getting very food conscious, and I myself want to lose weight but wanted to know both sides of the story.

After reading some of the most popular diet books out there, and scanning many cookbooks, I am convinced that there are two nutritional trends.  One is “nutritional vegetarianism” and the other is radical veganism.  Nutritional vegetarianism has been around a long time, especially since the 1970s, and covers all those books out there which tout vegetarianism as the way to jump start your body’s metabolism and weight loss.  Usually these books are benign and include a more radical phase to detox your body, followed with a period where you gently add in possible offenders (i.e. eggs, gluten, meat) to make sure you don’t have any adverse reactions.  These books vary in intensity and specific recommendations (i.e. some say potatoes are fine, others think they are the devil).  But they generally have a lifestyle change to whole foods as their goal.

Sometimes there are kooky things in there such as various water scams (i.e. Penta Water) that you have to look out for.  Others have more extreme views on chemicals and recommend getting rid of your caffeine, perfumes, soaps, and medicines.  But usually they are harmless and reflect the author’s specific idiosyncrasies.  After you read enough of them, there are several icons that come up fairly regularly and you can decide for yourself whether it’s a scam, a marketing ploy, or well-intentioned pseudo-science.  (Google is GREAT for this.)

As a rule, vegans hate the nutritional vegetarians because they see them as sell-outs.  Which is funny considering that if you are normal American eater, either camp will overwhelm you with their health consciousness and focus on veggies!  To the outsider, it doesn’t seem that there could be much difference between the two camps.  But there is.  My concern is not with the nutritional vegetarian camp.

My concern is with the radical veganism, a la Oprah style recommendations.  I got into some of this literature recently and was almost pulled in.  The promises sound so compelling: no cancer?  better sex life?  solving my sleep problems?  As a mom, much of the rhetoric plays on your fears about your kids’ health (i.e. autism, attention problems, growth problems).  It is easy to believe that veganism (or close to it) will solve all your physical issues.

The more radical the approach is, the more it purports to solve.  It is like conspiracy theory with a “the whole world is hiding something from you” tone.  You probably already believe that doctors can’t solve all your woes, so you’re looking for something that will give you the information you’re not getting.  And the radicals play on this.  They provide the missing pieces to why you’re tired, why you’re overweight, and why you’re experiencing more symptoms.  Where they really excel though, is the broader picture.  It becomes political very quickly, and religious in tone.  By eating in this way, you are saving the planet.  You are downing big agriculture.  You are solving world hunger.  You are stopping global warming.  You are supporting nations overseas.  You are making a statement.

This is where my concern is, and recently I read a very popular author who pretended that all those things weren’t her motivation when it all really was.  Her whole goal was to convert you by playing the diet card.  Covert you to what?  Not just the veganism but leftism, socialism, feminism, environmentalism, and Buddhism/Hinduism.  “Vegangelicalism” is what one author calls it.  New Age religion is very important to these radicals as well.  They are systematically undermining traditional religious mindsets and any conservative impulses you may have.  They want you to feel bad that animals have to die in order for you to live.  They want you to feel like you are an activist through your eating.  They want you to feel bad that your country is more prosperous than another, especially through its businesses.  And they want you to adopt a more humane and multicultural belief system which promotes alternative medicine, evolutionary viewpoints, and new age relaxation techniques.

Their goal is to save the planet and evangelize you to become a believer.

If you think I am making it up, please please please check out these websites. I only found these because I was intrigued by the vegan promises about health and I wanted to see if everyone thought they worked.  I wondered if there would be a small minority of defectors who had tried it faithfully and still experienced fallout: cancer, heart disease, or other health problems.  And I wanted to see how they interpreted that.  But what I found was much more startling.  I found an agenda was taking place beneath Oprah and flashy cookbook covers.

The first link here is one of the most important in the ex-vegan movement.

http://voraciouseats.com/2010/11/19/a-vegan-no-more/

http://www.danielvitalis.com/2010/03/hunter-safety-why-i-am-not-a-vegan/

These are from ex-vegans who are important in the movement and explain the situation far, far better than I could.  You get a sense right away of the blend of feminism, evolution, New Age, animal rights, environmentalism, globalism, and anti-capitalism that they are in.  You get a sense of the urgency and need to evangelize others.

You will also get a sense of the whole neurosis behind the vegan mind.  Veganism is part a result of this mindset, and part a creator of it. You might have friends you know who are deep in this health stuff because they usually betray this mindset.  There is an anxiety, a legalism, an unrest.  There is extreme guilt, extreme self-loathing, and self-punishing going on.  They fly in the face of results.  They punish themselves with food.  They are not much different than an anorexic person— food obsessed and a love/hate relationship with it— and they usually have to stare down depression every day as well.

This is not my own judgment… see for yourself in these pivotal blog posts which have rocked the vegan world.

My conclusion: it is a religion.  It has cult-like following.  If you defect, you are considered a traitor.  One ex-vegan who was revered shut down her comments on her blog because she was getting death threats.  The inner pressure to tow the line and present to the world a happy face is phenomenal.  If you have ever studied Jim Jones, this is not much different.  They can’t let the world know that they are experiencing pain and suffering (self inflicted) because then that would mean that their worldview is faulty in some way… the worldview that includes feminism, environmentalism, animal rights, and third world activism.  They are saving the world, and their diet, which is so prominent an expression of their inner beliefs, must not be compromised.  Some even believe vegans should rather die than cave to the pressure to eat animal products.  The saving of the world is at stake.

Clearly, this is neurotic and wrong.  It is also false.  There are many good anti-vegan apologetics out there, and most of them are not quibbles over whether the human is biologically designed to be an omnivore or herbivore.  Most are corrections to the geopolitical vision they have…. i.e. that veganism doesn’ t hurt the planet, that a world without animal husbandry would be better, that veganism doesn’t require capitalism to flourish, etc.  Many vegans have a worldview actually very similar to Christianity… it has an original state, a fall from grace, and a solution.  It also has an apocalyptic vision of what will happen in the end times, and an ethic of how you should live in order to get there.  And it has heavenly desires and Christian values; the desire to alleviate suffering, the desire to solve the problems of the poor and oppressed, the desire to be in tune with oneself and nature, and the divine force.

But it is a false religion.  And like false religions, it has idols and rules and stiff punishments.  It is shame-based.  Your diet is never strict enough.  It has a lot of infighting as followers find one another traitors (if they deem a certain food kosher) and others gurus (if they discover a new superfood).  It is glorified anorexia, as many followers waste away and purposefully deprive themselves of food their bodies need… but it does this not for self and appearance, as anorexia does, but for the world because the suffering in the world demands it.  It is hypocritical as it saves countless animals from death but takes it from you slowly, as years of depletion exact their cost.

It has an even stiffer cost, as many vegans have alienated friends and family as they have pursued their values beyond the realm of mainstream.  You are lonely and walled off from others and any cultural joy.

I am still not sure how this takes hold in people.  It seems to be mostly younger, white middle class (or ex-middle class) people.  Often they have had a traditional upbringing and/or religious education.  Mostly they are an alternative crowd who rebel against their roots and then expand their followings among middle age or older people who have degenerative problems and are looking for alternative answers.  Or those who are skeptical or critical of traditional medicine/science.   They are the same demographic as those who went hippie, or those who join cults, or those who are radicalized in another way.  White self-haters?  Capitalist haters?  (I’m not sure what causes them to hate their own culture so much, though.  Whole Foods, for example, which has enabled many to go vegan who couldn’t have otherwise, is a successful business and fruit of capitalism.  So are organic food companies.  So are the airplanes, medicine, and technology which help feed and aid the Third World.)

Anyway, if this is you, or if this COULD be you because you have been enticed by vegan promises and led into their worldview, please please don’t take my word for it.  And don’t think I am trying to get you to stop eating healthy.  I truly believe there is much value to us all shaping up and losing weight.  And if that is through mega-veggies, great.  Vegetables are common sense!  They are not political! But please please read these blogs and make sure you aren’t mixing a lie with the truth.  Make sure you are not deceived into false religion.  Make sure you are not ignoring your body’s signals for the sake of idealistic principles.  Make sure you are not entrapped in a world you wish you could escape but feel as though you’re displeasing (God, the world, harmony, whatever) by staying.

Help My Kids Get Organized!

This morning I watched my five year old help put away the dishes.  (i.e. not really “dishes” but plastic cups and plates).  I watched him stack up the plastic cups according to color and then, finding that his tower was too tall to fit in the cabinet, proceeded to unstack the cups and realize he needed to make two towers.  Then he had to figure out a color pattern that would allow him to fit two towers into the cabinet.  This was a tricky process because he wanted both his towers to match, and we have three colors of cups.

I was very tempted to interrupt this painstaking process to tell him to hurry up and help me before I did it all without him.  But before I did so, this little voice in my head told me not to.  And as I watched him with a little more interest, it hit me that this is probably why this particular child is the most organized of all my children.  He’s able!  Don’t ruin it!

Of course my other three children are not that way naturally.  But there are ways to help an unorganized kid become more organized.  My husband and I have worked hard on this trait because we all stay at home together (we homeschool and my husband works from home).  We would go crazy if we didn’t have some order.

So here are some things we’ve learned:

1.  Clean up every night is important.  And they should do it, not you!  (I actually clean up my own stuff while they kids clean.)  We have made the kids clean up their stuff every night before pajamas since we only had one baby and he was about 15 to 18months old.  Somewhere around that time, we started doing that regularly with him, and we never went back.  This makes a nice habit in the back of the kids’ minds that whatever mess they make, they will be accountable for at the end of the day.  It keeps them mindful of their stuff… that things won’t get forgotten, glossed over, or ignored for long.  And it keeps them remembering what they actually own, which helps them figure out what to do when they’re bored.  And it supports the ethic of being generally clean in the house, which is the foundation you’re looking for.

Lastly, it keeps you from welfaring them and getting so mad that they have so much stuff that you threaten never to buy another Lego again!

2.  Having a place for everything is important. You can’t really expect things to stay organized unless everything in your house has a home.  If it doesn’t have a home, expect it to be on your counter, floor, or stairs.  It will sit there until you die, basically, because no-one knows where it goes but you can’t throw it out.  So make sure that whatever your kids play with, you have a storage container big enough to hold it.  And that there is a place for that container (which can sometimes be a bigger problem).  Even if it is just a specific corner of the room, that’s enough.  Obviously really huge items can’t be stored away, but make sure they have a corner or place too.

3.  Try to keep similar things together. In our house, we have “centers” where similar stuff is grouped.  So there is a place for art things, which keeps crayons from being everywhere (usually).  We also have most of the building toys upstairs in the bedrooms so that when it’s Saturday Building Morning, the huge mess of pieces can be contained in a place smaller than the entire basement floor.  Big noisy toys and gross motor toys tend to collect in the basement.  We don’t have centers for everything, but obviously books are grouped together in one or two places, outside toys are in holey laundry baskets outside, and homeschool stuff has its own cubby.  Sometimes the kids get permission to travel with something somewhere, but they always have to bring it back.  Now they do that automatically.

This mental organization also helps them decide where they want to play and what they want to do… are they in an artsy mood?  A building mood?  A run-around mood?

4. There is some value in pretty/matching storage containers. While I have never succeeded in having my closets or shelves look like they should be in a magazine (i.e. who has CLOTHES which fit a color scheme?), I have found out that there is some value in appearance when it comes to organizing.  While kids are not naturally trained to appreciate beauty or style the way adults can, they are able to appreciate symmetry and order.  They are able to appreciate a neat cubby that is color coded and well-sized.  Or matching baskets with labels.  Or even a closet organizer.  They don’t know exactly why they like it, but they like it.

In the early baby days, our house was tiny and did not have any closets in the kids’ bedrooms.  In general we were low on storage space.  So my husband and I took one closet in the living area (a coveted place), and turned it into the babies’ toy closet.  We installed that cheap running shelving and invested in approximately 20 Rubbermaid clear buckets of various sizes to fill with their toys.  And we organized those toys and put the buckets on the shelves.  So every day the babies would toddle over to the closet and look at all those buckets–they had labels and matching lids–and you could just see the ooooh’s!…hmmm’s…whaaa’s?!   And every day we would help them clean up and put those buckets back.

Today our stuff isn’t that consolidated because we have a bigger house, more complex toys, and more “centers.”  But we have invested in a couple pieces of furniture from IKEA and whatever, to make the visual organization more clear and appealing.  And we still have those buckets in various places.  The kids are visually trained to sense organization or not because they can SEE whether things are at the same height, the lids matching, etc.

5.  Keep the organizers as close to the items as possible. Put laundry baskets in the hallway, bathroom, or bedrooms.  Put toy buckets near the toys they belong to.  Put organizers for crayons or whatever on the desk they use the most.  Put school organizers near the coat closet or front door.  Wherever things are actually used, or dropped, put the storage stuff there.  Don’t expect kids to return something to another room. And don’t expect them to go through more than one step (i.e. opening a lid, hanging on a hook) to put something back properly.

6.  Massive cleaning (purging) is necessary. Any good cleaning magazine will tell you that getting rid of stuff is important, and it is.  But throwing away helps you stay organized in addition to lightening the load.  It helps because many times when you have systems of organization already in your house, your house is still messy because there is spillover– all those places are all used up and all the extra stuff is messing up your daily living space.  Purging every six months or so helps free up space in the places you’ve already allocated for stuff.  This is particularly true of kids clothes and toys.

Every seasonal change (i.e. hot to cold, cold to hot), we have one day where we go through all the kids’ clothes.  It takes all day and I’m exhausted by the end.  And the kids are fed up pulling shirts on and off!  But we do this because I want to have an inventory of everything in the house that they wear.  I want to find the items we’ve lost, take stock of what I need to buy and what I don’t, and reassess the articles I thought we’d use but didn’t.  Or the things I wasn’t sure they’d still fit in but kept around just in case.  We have an extremely small clothes budget (i.e. thrift store, Old Navy), but I tend to scrap stuff if I’m not sure who it will fit or if it will last one through one more season of washing and drying.  I make sure all their stuff fits in their drawers and we don’t have extra articles cluttering up their closets (where their other stuff is already stored).  Off-season stuff goes in a huge Rubbermaid bucket in the basement.

We also go through toys about once a year.  We go through all puzzles and take out ones we hate or have too many pieces missing.  We get rid of toys and books they’ve outgrown.  We put away toys or books that we don’t want to give away but aren’t being used like we thought.  (They will feel new when they come out later).  We search under dressers and beds and make them clean again.  We reorganize bookshelves by giving each person a shelf and color/size/or subject coding.  We throw away broken things and have a talk about accountability.  We make sure that each person has enough stuff they love… and a private place for their most treasured items… and talk about being thankful for the things they have.

A 6-8 year old is usually able organize their own bookshelf, desk, closet, dresser, or toybox, even if it takes all day.  That’s fine… let them.  I usually set some parameters and let them have at it (i.e. I want you to take out enough toys that the lid fits on easily without bumping up.  or, I want you to move enough books to the basement that all your books here fit on one shelf.)  With a younger child, include them in the organizing process, but do it and oversee it yourself.  They’ll learn.  I used to make my younger children put puzzles together to see what was missing, or things like that, as we cleaned.  I also asked them their opinions about stuff and gauged their reactions as we uncovered things.

Lastly, a lot of organizers have a rule that if something new comes in, something old comes out.  We tried to do that and it was too hard for us.  But we do have a Christmas rule: we will either prepare for the onrush of new stuff by getting rid of old stuff, or we will do a deep purge post-Christmas.

7. Be organized yourself. Kids need models and they notice if your extra grocery bags are kept in a certain place, you have recycle buckets for different kinds of bottles, and if your silverware drawer has a nice, neat tray in there.  They notice whether your closet is all junky and you have to take out six things to get the vacuum.  And they notice if you’re digging through your garage to find a tennis ball or screwdriver.  Chances are, if they see you using your organizers, they will know what to do when you put something in their bathroom or bedroom to use!

8.  Mess is less important than organization. At least in our house, good organizing doesn’t keep our peeps from making messes.  As it shouldn’t!  It can’t be healthy to try and keep kids neat the whole day. “Cleaning as you go” may work for some, but I find, like cooking, it’s often easier to just mess up the whole kitchen and then attack it at the end.  There is freedom to do what you have to do.  So accept mess, but only on the condition that it gets cleaned up.

In our home, the rule is the house must be clean on waking up and going to bed.  I have this rule even for myself and my kitchen.  Sometimes this leads to disorder over time as people clean up but don’t organize correctly as they clean– pieces get stuck in the wrong buckets, or the corners of closets collect random items.  So when things get terrible because everything is out of its place we take a Saturday morning and reorganize it.  We put Barbie shoes back in the Barbie bag, DVDs back in their cases, and game pieces back in their boxes.  Many times kids won’t play with stuff because important pieces are missing.  Who will play Mouse Trap if they’re missing a part?  Or Nerf gun if they’re missing the bullets?  So organization is more important to keeping kids using their stuff, than it is preventing mess.

Lastly, accept that when organizing, things will get messier before they get cleaner.  Cleaning is for external appearances, but organizing is for internal.  If you catch your kids making a huge mess in their rooms as they’re organizing them, that’s good!  It’s part of going through everything and putting it back right.  They will take at least double the time you take, to do it, but smile and encourage =)  They are learning things that will be natural for them later.

Baby is STILL Not Sleeping!!!

I am writing this post because even though I have others on here about sleep training, I recently had a working mom friend whose baby is in daycare ask me what she could do to help her four-month old sleep… knowing that she can’t be around during the day to work on the naptimes (which, IMHO, is the best starting point).

I was a little doubtful that tips alone could help the situation since every day care is different and you don’t know exactly what protocol your little one is following while there.  Maybe they are getting too much sleep there, or too little.  But my friend’s baby was four months old, a very healthy weight, and still waking up at 2am awake and ready to play.  She was also nursing while at home.

So here’s what we did, and it made a huge difference!  I’m passing on the love.  (These tips also work for stay at home moms.)

1.  Put the baby to sleep on its tummy.  Sorry, I have to go with this one here.  A healthy four month old is perfectly capable of sleeping on his/her tummy.  If they can’t stay asleep on their back–i.e. they seem to wake up all the time or can’t get to sleep well in the first place– switch them to their tummy and see if it makes a difference.  Sometimes this is all it takes. DO NOT SEND ME HATE/HORROR COMMENTS ABOUT THIS.  If your baby has breathing problems, neurological problems, or you just have a weak conscience about this issue, I respect that.  Skip this one.

2.  Do not let them take a long nap in the evening. Working parents are notoriously tired after their long work day, but allowing Junior to sleep in the evening is totally against your best long term interests.  Sacrifice having peace for your dinner time to having peace in your sleep time.  If your little one is asleep in the carseat on the way home, let them sleep long enough for you to change your clothes when you get home, get a cup of coffee, whatever, and then wake them up!  Try to keep them awake as much as possible before 9pm.  They can catnap if necessary, but do not let them sleep more than 45 mins.  I used to just sling my little babies around for parts of the evening so if they slept, it was in the noisy kitchen, living room, or while I was doing laundry and bending over them!  And the best part is, Dad can help with this segment.  Most babies are fussy between 5 and 9 anyway, so just roll with it and keep them with you while they’re fussy.  The goal is to put them down around 9 or 9:30 and have them be SOOO GRATEFUL they get to sleep!  They can’t do this, however, if they’ve slept from 5-7.

3.  Tank them up. If you nurse your baby, nurse them frequently throughout the evening so their belly is totally full by 9 or 9:30pm.  You might feel empty, but let them cluster feed anyway so they are really topped off.  The goal is to put them down totally full.

4.  Get a sensible bedtime routine. Babies usually have lots of structure at daycare.  Keep this going at home.  If you are going to bathe them, change their clothes, or do any other stimulating thing, do NOT do it before bedtime.  Do it earlier in the evening when they’re fussy and you don’t know what to do with them.  I repeat: make sure they are changed and pajama’d before the bedtime hour.  The worst thing in the world is when your baby is drowsy in the late evening and ready to fall asleep on you–and you are ready to lay them down–but then you remember you forgot to change their diaper, and you feel their pjs and they’ve got a huge wet ball in there already.  They’re never going to make it through the night without leaking, but now you have to totally disturb your blissful sleeper. Not good.

I used to do this stuff around 8pm.  Then I had time to calm them way down.  When it was getting close to magic time, I’d institute some brief calming ritual which signaled to them that bedtime was coming (if they’re weren’t already falling asleep).  I used to take my little ones to their room, dim the lights a little, and read them a short bedtime story in the rocker.  Something like “Time for Bed” (board book) or “Goodnight Moon.” Sometimes I’d read it twice if they were really awake.  Then I would turn on the air purifier (wonderful white noise!) and lay them in their cribs… yes, on their tummy =)  They usually went out like a light.

If they fussed, I’d stand over them and pat them gently down the back.  Say something soothing like, “shh, shh, it’s time for bed now…” and repeat.  Then leave and see if they fall asleep.  If they don’t, go back in a couple mins and pat/rub again.

5.  Do not disturb the baby once you’ve laid them down.  You have groomed them for bed, now it’s time to let that work.  Do not pick him/her back up unless they’re crying hard.  If they’re fussing, just pat and soothe and repeat.  Do not turn lights back on, do not change diapers, do not change clothes…and definitely do NOT take them back out and start playing with them again.  Do not bring them back out into the living room din.  You want to teach them that nighttime is a calm, quiet time, and nothing to be upset about.  Keep things low and quiet, or turn on some soothing lullabye music.

If a baby is crying hard, you can try a pacifier briefly.  Even if your baby does not use a pacifier, sometimes giving them an opportunity to suck will calm them down.  Most babies will suck ferociously for a min or two, trying to calm down, and then pop out the pacifier all by themselves.  You can do this while holding the baby, or while they are on their tummies in the crib.  If they pop out the pacifier and can stay calm, bravo.  Leave the room and try again.  If they immediately start crying again, pop it back in again for another min.

6.  Go for the dream feed.  One author, Tracy Hogg, suggests giving babies a “dream feed” before you go to bed at night yourself.  I found this particularly helpful for my nursing babies.  If you’ve laid them down at 9 or 9:30 for bed, go in there right before you go to bed at 11 or whatever, and quietly pick them back up for a quick nighttime nurse.  Keep the lights off, everything quiet–just pick up and nurse them while they’re sleeping.  They probably won’t take in very much, but it is a good way to make sure they’re topped off before you hit the hay.  As long as your baby is getting adequate calories during the day, they don’t need a feeding in the middle of the night, so this dream feed helps get them just a bit extra, so they won’t need to wake up at 2 or 3am. They are big enough to make it through until at least 5am.

7.  If your baby does wake up in the middle of the night, keep the rules going.  Do not turn on the lights (use a nightlight).  Do not change diapers or clothes– unless they have “power pooped”.  Do not do anything that would signal to your baby that it’s normal to be awake at this time.  Just go, feed, and put them back in their cribs.  If they fuss then pat, soothe, whisper (or try the pacifier again for a sec if necessary).  You want this to be totally gentle and functional, not disturbing and relational. It’s amazing how easy it is to mix this up though!  It’s so natural to turn on the lights, start talking, and make a big deal.

8.  Toss the baby monitor. AGAIN, DO NOT SEND ME HATE COMMENTS ABOUT THIS.  Obviously if you’re a heavy sleeper or on a different floor than your baby, keep the monitor.  But many moms sabotage their baby’s sleeping at night because they wake up when they hear their baby stirring.  Then they rush in there too early, before the baby is actually crying.  I suppose it makes sense that you would want to rescue your baby before they are really awake and screaming, but I have never ONE TIME heard of this technique working!  Baby is fussing or cooing wide awake in their crib, and Mom goes in there.  Then baby is so happy to see Mom and now it’s Mom time.  This is NOT what you want.

At night, you are not Mom.  You are the Police.  Toss the monitor, wake up when the baby is crying hard enough to wake you, and don’t go in there unless this is the case.  For a healthy four month old, there is no need to rush in there multiple times a night to make sure the baby is still breathing.  Or to see why they’re awake and cooing.  Or for any other silliness.  Remember, nighttime is functional: go in there when the baby needs you, take care of the need, and then go back to bed.  Don’t ignore the baby—Police them, and go in there when there’s a shout-out.  You are trying to send signals that nighttime is different than daytime… you will attend to all “needs” but not other stuff.  Daytime is for friends and bonding, nighttime is for food, sickness, or help.

It’s also ok for them to wake up a little at night.  They are small little people.  Some babies have a blast in their cribs themselves at 3am, but this doesn’t mean you have to get up and check on it.  Even if they’re stirring and fussing a little.  I repeat: at night, your job is only food dispenser and sickness attender.  It is NOT anything else!!

I apologize if some of this sounds harsh, but I had four babies in a row and I promise these things work on healthy, nutritionally satisfied, non-newborn babies.  IT WILL NOT UNBOND THEM TO SLEEP TRAIN THEM.  If you are a working mom, you especially need your sleep as soon as your baby is physically able to give it to you.  For most babies, this is by the three month mark.  Start with these principles and expect some progress within a couple days for a younger baby and 1-2 weeks for an older one.

But what about those babies who just hate to sleep?  I had four babies with very different temperaments and patterns, and the principles still worked.  I had one baby who hated to sleep and still does, at 8 yrs old now.  He was the one whose middle of the night stirrings I had to learn to ignore.  He would turn over and have to get comfortable again.  He would also initially cry himself to sleep when I put him down, for the first 10 minutes, getting louder and then suddenly just dropping off.  I had one baby who had to be woken up for feedings because he would otherwise sleep right through them.  He was the one for whom cluster feeding and the dream feed was very important, to make sure he thrived and my milk supply stayed high.  I had one baby who came out with his days and nights completely reversed (totally knocked out all day and then wide awake all night).  He was the one for whom skipping the evening nap was very important.  Then I had another baby who I suppose was relatively textbook/normal.  She really responded to the routine of naps during the day and the bedtime routine at night.

So this is hard-won advice!!  I am not saying to never feed or attend to your baby in the middle of the night.  You always feed and attend if there is crying, and hope the next night goes better.  But you want to make efforts to influence/coach.  Babies don’t always learn to sleep through on their own, and then you’ll have a toddler who won’t, whose emotional needs are MUCH harder to deal with!  If you work when they’re younger, you will avoid this problem.  So feed and attend, but always do it in a functional way at night until the nighttime waking up stops.  Growth spurts, teething, and sickness will always play a role in a baby needing extra attention and food at night.  But this should be the exception not the rule… you should know your baby is teething, not just blame his not sleeping on the fact that he “MUST” be teething!

So good luck!

Additional Note: Regarding the attachment parent comment below, it is my belief that healthy babies are capable of having their emotional and play needs met in the daytime rather than the middle of the night.  They should actually be taught this as a good pattern for toddlerhood.  They are also physically ready to sleep through as long as they are getting enough calories in the day.  My four nursing babies were all able to sleep through the night by 9 months old, from abt 9:30pm (+ dream feed) to 7am.  Two of them slept through much sooner, but by 8 or 9 months, everyone was a consistent sleeper.  I was glad because they shared rooms!  Because of some gentle but consistent training, I never had a hard time at night except for sickness, hotel visits, and the brief phase where they could stand up but not sit back down   This made me a better mother during the day!

The Little Diva

All right, some of you Moms of little 2-5 year old girls know exactly what I’m talking about.  Some of you have Divas, and you know who you are!

I have a little girl who just turned four, and she is a recovering Diva.  We’ve stopped catering to her hand and foot– you know, like removing the brown M&Ms out of her pile, making sure her ruffles are straight, and helping her to coordinate clothing.  Generally speaking, we had stop fussing over her.  Which is REALLY hard when you have a sweet little girl!  You just want to buy them little hair things, shower them with gifts, and sweet talk her all the time!  They are born so precious and covered in pink, and there never seems to be a right moment to toughen up.

But all this fussing only causes the Little Diva to emerge. You know, the twirling around in the living room for all your visitors to admire, the patting your hair sweetly when they want something, the fussing over having the right color nail polish or “make-up,” the refusal to go out with you just because they’re pouty.  Think teenage drama queen in miniature.

Diva-personality can be created for a variety of reasons.  In my case it was because I had three boys in a row before I had a girl, so I was tempted to indulge.  In the case of some relatives of mine, the parents simply favored girls over boys.  Girls were “easier” and pretty while boys were difficult and rough.  In the case of a friend of mine, she simply had a lot of girls in the household!  And she herself was kind of a drama queen, so the climate was conducive.

Which brings me to the main point: it is naturally easy for a girl to slip into this caricature, and easier if you do lots of fussing.  Somewhere around the age of 1.5-2.5, little girls catch onto the uniquenesses of being a girl.  They understand concepts like “matching” clothes MUCH earlier than boys, the importance of icons like Disney princesses on their lunchbox, and the importance of “girl” toys, etc.  Because girls mature faster than boys, their social and emotional awareness kicks in early. They notice the special treatment they get, even if they can’t articulate it, and they can start milking it.

Now I do think treating girls differently than boys and giving them gentler treatment is appropriate.  I don’t think androgynizing our girls is the answer.  But it’s easy to go too far.  A typical girl can handle only about a year of special treatment before it starts to take over her personality.  Ask a mom with a Diva of 6 or 7 years old… by this point, it’s much harder to get the spirit out.

So around our house, I have made more of an effort to make my girl run with the boys.  I still treat her with more emotional sensitivity, I think, because she puts that out there.  But I don’t give in to her specificities, or hold back discipline if her brothers were in the same position.  For example, I no longer do the clothes thing with her unless we’re going somewhere where she needs to dress up and look pretty.  I used to dress her every day and make a fuss over this and that, or her hair, now I let her dress herself, praise herself, and I just do her hair matter of factly.  When we went to a friend’s wedding, of course, I made the big deal about it and brought out the curling iron, lace slip, perfume, etc.  She loved it.  But I don’t indulge her on a daily basis so she grows up thinking clothes and beauty are the point.  I think I bought into my relative’s advice before that all the girly stuff was really important in the beginning… but now I see it as a main route to Diva-land.  When I hear about Suri Cruise criticizing her mom’s clothes, I am even more sure! Cute at 4 maybe, but not for long.

So I’ve started to make progress on the external appearances thing.  And I plan to be beating back that demon for a long time.  For discipline, I have had to make more of an effort there too. I think I went lighter on my girl because she always understood what she did wrong and made efforts to change her behavior… TOTALLY opposite my three boys!  My three boys I can scream at and they aren’t damaged at all. I can correct the same thing day after day and they nonchalantly seem not to notice.  And two of them have a really hard time understanding anything interpersonal (i.e. like “you know if you keep cheating like that, your brother isn’t going to want to play Candyland with you anymore right?”).   But my girl was naturally conversational about these topics by 3 years old, so I figured just talking was really enough.

Wrong!  Girls definitely need to be on the same discipline standard as boys, or they will start becoming difficult. Maybe even slightly tighter before their emotions take control.  They may not keep doing the bad behavior as outright as boys do, but they will float around the gray area, whining, pouting, sulking, resisting, and trying to get their way by making you emotionally cave.  If you don’t punish these things (or discipline before it starts), you will definitely get a Diva.  Some divas will be strong-willed, and some will be sweetly passive aggressive, but all divas know exactly where the line is drawn and will dance around just before it.  Whereas most mothers of boys are tired from their boys crossing the line all the time, mothers of girls get tired from trying to prevent their girls from crossing it.  If this is confusing, just think of teenage behavior again.  Teenage boys tend to defy and do what they want because they think their parents are ridiculous.   Teenage girls tend to make life emotionally draining for Mom and Dad until they’re ready to shake her!

So I apologize if this post is too stereotypical.  It is simply the easiest way to describe a very real phenomenon.  Your little girls, if treated like little girls, have the propensity to rival Paris Hilton and Britney Spears in drama.  Even though they are only tiny people, they have great big emotions, and can learn the basics of manipulating them even before they can understand what they’re doing.  It is your responsibility as the parent to stave this off and keep doing so at every stage, for the betterment of the whole family.  Especially if you have more than one girl.  You want your girls to feel precious and fussed over, but only to the point that it helps others bond with them.  If the dad or brothers feel resentful, that’s a warning sign.  Also, attention can help them develop positive feelings about themselves and femininity.  But if it starts taking over their personality or the family dynamic, you have to rebalance the priorities.  Girl for the family, not the family for girl.

So You Don’t Like One of Your Children…

Ok, serious topic.  But don’t self-torture yet.

The other day I was in conversation with one of my good friends and she confessed to me that she didn’t really like one of her kids.  She didn’t dislike them, but just couldn’t muster up the same snuggy feelings she had with her other child.  She was heartbroken and crying, and of course felt like a terrible mother.  So what did I do?  Tell her she was a terrible mother?  Of course not– I told her just the opposite.

Now, don’t get me wrong… not liking one of your children is a problem.  It is something you want to fix as quickly as possible.  But usually the moms who recognize the problem and lament over it are the ones who do not have to worry.  The moms who don’t recognize it, think their kid deserves it, or are proud of their aloofness are the ones who need serious help.  If this is you–you actually hate or have thoughts of harming one of your children, please stop reading the post here and call a counselor.  This is still a fixable problem–and not altogether uncommon–but still requires professional help.

For the rest of you who are just upset or guilty for preferring one of your children over another, and don’t know what to do about it, keep reading.

Usually the fact that you can’t muster up the natural love for one of your children (like you can for another) means the mother-child bond is not as strong as it should be.  This can be for several reasons including:

1.  You didn’t want to be pregnant in the first place, which translated into rejecting feelings towards the child from birth (usually subconscious).  Or you had a very difficult first year with lots of conflicting feelings.

2.  You and your child have opposite personalities– i.e. they are melancholy and you are sanguine, or vice-versa.  You push each other’s buttons.

3.  Your child has a particularly strong will in comparison with other children.  They may struggle with common, nonpleasant qualities like bossiness, bitterness, and disciplinary issues.

For these reasons, firstborn children are slightly more likely to be unbonded.  Some other things unique to the firstborn include:

1.  You had/have no idea what you are doing as a parent the first time through each stage, which makes everything difficult and anxiety-producing.  (Subsequent children are often a more peaceful, familiar experience).

2.  The firstborn may be the apple of Daddy’s eye (or the extended family’s), which makes you feel like you need to counterbalance the extra attention, praise, or spoiling given to that child by making up for it with subsequent ones.

There of course a million reasons why you may not get along well with or just be comfortable around your child, but assuming that there is no real anger with that child (i.e. just because they exist!), you probably just need a combination of techniques, healing experiences, and releasing the pressure to fix this problem.

Let’s go in reverse order:

First, let go of the pressure.  This means stop hating yourself for being partial.  People are people–even as mothers, we are flawed, which means we naturally like some people more than others.  We’re not friends with everyone, we like different relatives more than others.  Challenging characteristics are challenging for us, no matter where they crop up.  Children are no different, even though we wish they were.  We wish we could treat all our children EXACTLY the same so that none of them would grow up and say that their mother didn’t like them as much as Sister Sally or Brother John.  Most of us have known someone who grew up with lifelong resentment about this (or did, ourselves), and we shudder at storylines which repeat this theme.

But the fact is that even if we were to treat all our children exactly the same–even if we were to feel exactly the same love for each child–they would still grow up thinking we didn’t!  When was the last time you heard someone with sibling rivalry say, “but I know Mom loved me just as much as Susie…”?  Sibling rivalry simply leads to accusations of injustice.  And children are utilitarians with brief memories–there is no way they will accurately compare your treatment of them with their siblings, from birth, and evaluate them as fair and equal.  Whoever got to use the car first, or went to a more expensive college, or got to skip leftovers because they were allergic to dairy, will always be seen as “loved the most.”  So stop trying so hard!  You can’t prevent this!

Moreover, different children need to be treated differently.  Your child is half of your relationship with them, and you have to adopt different strategies to deal with whatever they present.  You will have different feelings about those strategies.  Sometimes being the “easy” child even has down sides. Easy children need less rebuking, but probably get less attention overall.  Difficult children will need more correction and more attention but may become better thinkers in the end, because of all the trial and error.  This divergence of paths from “difficult” child to “easy” child starts even from the first days of infancy, depending on what the newborn’s unique set of issues are.

Bottom line is, challenging children (even if they are challenging just in your eyes) are going to evoke more animosity from you, and this is liable to cause hostility.  The best parents will eventually figure out how to calm themselves and love the child unconditionally even when provoked.   But this desirable trait is still LEARNED and UNNATURAL.  It doesn’t develop overnight just because you’ve given birth.  So seek it by all means, but don’t condemn yourself.

We all have a lot to learn about being good parents, and for some of us, loving is not the most basic. Desire the unconditional, unnatural love, and by all means deal with your baggage that is making it difficult–but don’t compare yourself to your mother, your best friend, June Cleaver, or the model in whatever psychological book you’re reading.  You may have to start forgiving your child for the offenses they commit daily, even if that sounds silly or unkind.  You don’t have to tell anyone about it–just deal with it in private, if you feel you have been wronged or let down in some way.  Or talk it through with a trusted friend.  Forgiving will foster more mercy.

This brings us to the second strategy: healing experiences.  You probably need to have more positive experiences with the child you don’t naturally prefer, in order to bond deeply with them.  This doesn’t mean you will achieve the same exact bond that you have more easily with another child.  Perfect equality is not the goal.  But to erase any hard feelings between yourself and them, the burden is on you.  You are responsible for taking action since you are stewards of your children and in control of the relationship.  In no way can you wait for your child to become more lovable–that’s backwards.  It starts with you because you’re the adult.

Practically, this might mean to plan a vacation for just you and that child, or to start a weekly or monthly date with them.  If they are at a difficult age, the challenge will be to find something that encourages the least amount of discord–you want to have a positive experience!  So don’t take a noisy baby to Panera or a covetous kindergartner to the mall.  Try to find something that both of you will find pleasing and easy.  And do not fall into the trap of assuming you can repeat a good experience you had with another child, with your difficult one.  Just because Billy enjoyed Little League practices so much with you doesn’t mean Johnny will.  Don’t chat with an argumentative child, play games with a competitive one, or cook with somebody who hates to share.  Don’t take a long trip with one just because you did with another.  Keep the healing experiences appropriate for the age, maturity, and relationship you actually have with your unbonded one.  But plan more in.

Positive touch is also very important. Anytime you can hug your child or touch them affectionately, do it.  You might not realize how little they have been touched in comparison to your other kids, so if you’re not a big hugger, make check-in points three times a day: when they wake up, when they come home from preschool or school, and when they go to bed.  Try allowing them to be around you quietly when you’re reading or something and they can just lean on you.  You’ll be surprised how much this behavior can conjure up the right feelings.

Which brings us to the last strategy of re-bonding, and that is: proactive  techniques.  Try to be practical about why you don’t like or get along with your child.  Are there any things which need working on, that are fixable?  Is the child completely wild and undisiciplined?  If so, the best way to start fixing the relationship is to deal with that.  Always take age into account, but don’t use it as an excuse to ignore the elephant in the room.  Is the child very rude or standoffish?  If so, start with manners and some hang out time.  Maybe the child needs a special nickname, a game they always play with you, their own space/room, or some combination of things you can give.  The goal of parenting, after all, is to keep your child open to your influence, so if there are practical issues which will decrease hostility, address them.  You will be helping them as much as you.

(BTW, as you brainstorm, don’t get into huge arguments with your spouse, who probably doesn’t share your feelings or understand why you have them. Own your relationship with your child and do what you have to do.)

If in the end, you still can’t have grace over your child or you can’t get over your hard feelings, consider going for counseling (with or without your child, depending on the age and maturity).  If you don’t like your child even after they have made efforts to please you, that is a sign that deeper intervention is necessary.

But if, like my friend, you are normal mom just feeling guilty about how easy it is to love one child versus another, or to hold and hug one over the other, then just start at home.  If you don’t naturally praise or move towards one child, especially the difficult child or the  “golden one” whom everyone naturally loves, there are ways to start.  There are likely techniques and experiences, which along with releasing the pressure valve, will go a long way.

I Hope This Isn’t ADD!

If your child has authentically diagnosed ADD or ADHD, please do not read any further! This is only for moms with ADD-wannabes =)

So my second son, at 6yrs old now, has many of the classic symptoms.  He is distracted by everything.  He has sensory issues, so he hears, smells, and feels everything whether it is the heat coming on, a truck backing up on the interstate, or even the smell of the oven.  This doesn’t help.

But even when I get him “focused” and working, he is very distractable.  He’s an artistic type, so he gets derailed into doodling on his workbook pages, or writing little notes to me on them when he comes to a difficult problem.  He can write a whole misspelled paragraph to me about a one-word blank.  He also likes fonts, so he starts decorating his “Ts” and “Fs” with little serifs or italic/bold-faced type.  Then his pencil needs sharpening, so he spends about 10 minutes doing that only to have it snap off when he gets back to his spot.  He starts that process over.  I homeschool him, and he can easily take from 9am to 12noon just doing two or three tasks.

But he’s extremely intelligent.  So I try not to harp.

It’s hard though.  His ADD spills over into other areas too, like getting dressed, tying shoes, brushing teeth.  It is very frustrating.  And yet, I realize it is partly developmental.  As you know, boys are over-diagnosed with ADD or ADHD.  Sometimes husbands and grandfathers hear about it and believe they’ve suffered with it their entire lives.  If it is maladaptive, maybe they do.  But it could just be part of the male brain.  Male brains are like “waffles,” as one celebrated author says, and topics are compartmentalized–in the brain, each subject has its own box separate from the others, and men jump from box to box, subject to subject.  Little boys do this too, which is how they get so far off track.  Things are just INTERESTING to them, so they think about it, cutting off what they were originally doing.  My girl doesn’t seem to have this problem, but I am sure there are many girls who do, especially creative and  free-thinking ones!

There are many blog posts and books on this subject, so I won’t belabor it here.  The real reason I am writing this post is because it dawned on me just today that there is something  redeeming about ADD wannabes.

Other than the gender component, I had thought that perhaps ADD was personality-related in the sense of learning style.  My second son is very analytical–obviously if he’s into fonts!  But something about this hypothesis wasn’t accurate because my first son is also analytical and has no attention problems at all. He has laser-like focus.  Then this morning I was teaching my third son Language Arts (he’s five) and I saw some of the same ADD symptoms beginning to crop up on him as he worked.  “Oh no!!!” I thought to myself.  “I have to stop this from happening so it doesn’t consume him like my second boy!”

Then it hit me.

He THINKS about his work as he does it.  My third son is not analytical at all.  Not even a little–it took him forever to learn his letters because A and B all looked the same to him.  (My other two sons picked them up before they were 2yrs old).  My third guy isn’t picky about anything, is very independent, talks in general statements, and picks up concepts easily.  But as he was working on his vocabulary and spelling, he was actually trying to think about what the words meant.  He wasn’t interested in just reading them (“cast”… “task”… “track”), he was asking me questions about them.  Then as I would explain them, we would get off track as that led to more questions.  Sometimes we got off for 5 minutes talking about something six degrees away from “cast.”  And I’d have to steer us back to the page at hand.

That’s when I realized that my second son does the same thing.  He tries to really understand things on a heart level.  He is very artistic, very scientific, and has a high IQ.  His vocabulary–especially for a young boy–is excellent.  So he ponders his work and goes slowly, thinking about things as he goes through.  This causes the distraction and “six degrees” problem.

My first son, however, who is 8 and has no attention problems, is analytical but doesn’t think AT ALL when he does his work.  He breezes through it as quickly as possible.  We have trained him to try to get the right answers, so he does know how to slow down and rethink a question with prompting.  But I can tell when I talk to him that he doesn’t like to think!  He is a type A personality and does things by the book, as perfectly as he can and gets good grades for it.  But he’s the type of  boy who can read an entire book and know very little of what he read.  Or misread the directions on a page and complete the entire page according to a rule without it dawning on him that his answers don’t make sense.  Or look up a word in the dictionary and read the definition four times and still have no mental picture.  He’s got a great memory and devours books, but has a terrible vocabulary and makes few connections on his own.  (i.e. he’s a history buff but asked me the other day whether July 4 was an American holiday.)  He just has a superficial understanding of most things and doesn’t know what he doesn’t know.  Terrible commentary on how getting straight A’s doesn’t correlate to comprehension!

So maybe this is just the way it works: quick and brief, or slow and comprehensive.  If you have a child with attention problems too, you can be grateful that s/he’s probably a thinker.  They might grow up to be one of those kids who are terrible test takers but, if they took it correctly, would score extra high.  After all, it’s only if you think about what you’re doing, can you can think enough to get distracted!

I’m not trying to make light of attention problems.  I definitely think the kindergarten age is the optimal moment to teach this study skill– if you can teach your child to sit still and focus when they’re five-six, they will have a huge advantage.  But I have more grace on my boys now.   My kindergartner is clearly building his vocabulary and knowledge base, even though it seems like we labor over getting one page completed.  It’s developmental and important not to skip.

The Autistic Child (NOT)

Does this describe your child?

• 2.5-3.5yrs old
• probably male, probably firstborn
• delayed language; doesn’t put words together yet
• doesn’t use Yes/No correctly– can cry/temper tantrum easily
• doesn’t call for help
• doesn’t use Mommy/Daddy/own name well
• very detail-oriented
• walks on tiptoes
• walks in circles, sometimes jabbering to self or no-one
• spins car wheels, pokes blocks off, or otherwise repetitive play behavior
• repeats your questions/statements
• repeats sounds or scripts ad nauseum
• easily distracted
• bad eye contact
• can’t answer comprehension questions
• no gestures or pointing
• few independent skills
• doesn’t understand taking turns or people skills well
• won’t drink milk, eat fruit, etc.
• constipated all the time
• difficult sleeper

Congratulations!  You have a fine, well-adjusted NON-AUTISTIC child!  No, I mean it.  Your child is likely a finicky, driven, bored and distracted little boy.  He doesn’t care about language, isn’t able to pick it up easily, and is therefore a tough cookie who is behind in some areas that he wouldn’t be if he had better language skills.  But for now, you have to suffer in the world of preschool, playgrounds, and other life adventures that really do require more English and social skills than your child has.  And guess what?  This is totally normal!  Stop worrying that he is on THE SPECTRUM because life doesn’t seem to fit his developmental timetable, and just hang in there until he’s 5.  Get a lot of structure and routine that works for you, adopt a rigid discipline ethic if necessary, and have faith that once the language kicks in, he will make up for lost time pretty much right away.  His behavior will also become less erratic.

How about this child?

• 1-4 yrs old
• picky eater
• messy, clumsy, can’t dress self well
• cries easily
• strange phobias– water, vacuum, dirt
• anxious behavior
• taps or scratches self, has repetitive stimulatory behaviors (i.e. may still suck thumb, fidget with socks, etc)
• seems lost in a group, or plays alone
• deep, focused play skills; strange attention at times
• doesn’t like to engage others
• avoids conflict, checks out
• can talk but doesn’t initiate or sustain conversation; people might not even know how well they speak
• may speak to privileged individuals, in-depth about their favorite subject/question
• unusual talents, or way ahead in an adult area
• retreats to specific activities; self-soothing repetitive play
• takes things apart to study
• handles toys or household objects in peculiar (non-functional) ways
• sensitive to smells, sounds, touch
• “freak out” or “shut down” behavior
• low muscle tone
• allergies or inadequate nutrition

Congratulations!  You too have a sensitive, fearful, NON-AUTISTIC child!   Most people would like to diagnose your little guy with Asberger’s or Autism Spectrum, but more likely you have a misunderstood, sensory-sensitive little person.  This profile is less commonly complained about than the very first profile I outlined, but it definitely represents a portion of toddlers who are very quickly seen as at-risk for autism and usually packed right off to a specialist for a neuropsychological exam.  Whereas the first  profile I listed above is likely to see the child put in special preschool, perhaps with an ADD-type medication, this second profile is more likely to be medicated for childhood depression, anxiety, OCD, or reactive detachment disorder.  But kids come in all colors!  There is no need to panic because your little person isn’t the extraverted, sensible preschooler.  He/She may be an “old soul” or grumpy type who doesn’t fit in with the flashy world around them.  He/She probably needs a little extra nurture and coddling, as well as some occupational therapy or one-on-one play/floortime with a loved one.  Resist THE SPECTRUM curse!

** Note: Of course I am not against true autism diagnosis.  And I am not against checking out whatever symptoms worry you about your child.  I am just making light of the fact that “normal” is a wide range, and MUCH wider than we are told it is.  Usually we are told to worry, from experts, parents, or friends, because of the developmental scare climate out there.  Yet there is no reason to push the Panic Button just because your toddler or preschooler has some delayed or anti-social behavior.  Attention and special education might be necessary…as it always has been, in the case of small children who have individual tendencies and weaknesses.  But usually these are things you can do on your own or with limited intervention.  There is no need to put small children under a microscope and ship them off for multiple diagnoses so they can receive services from the state until they’re 21 because we’re afraid they’re all high-functioning autistic.**

How about this?

Does Your Boy Develop Unevenly?

After hundreds of comments from moms dealing with their speech-delayed boys who walk on tiptoes or have other such idiosyncrasies, it occurred to me to write another post on the boy/autism thing.  This time, with a focus on the developmental timetable.

I have another post on how boys develop differently than girls, but to recap an important point: boys often do not follow the timetables.  In fact, they are spotty.  They grow unevenly.  At times, they will hit the developmental mark right on the money.  Other times, they will be way off.  And often, they will have some abilities way ahead for their age—while at the same time, they will have glaring weaknesses way behind for their age.

For example, when my firstborn son was 2 going on 3, he could do 100 piece puzzles from memory.  No box, no pausing.  Just snap, snap, piece after piece together.  Like a robot actually.  He even found out, by doing the puzzles on top of each other, that some of them used the same template!  For a toddler who didn’t talk yet or even say “Mommy” or “Daddy,” this was strange to us. Then when combined with some of his habits like walking on tiptoe, spinning and crashing cars (but not really playing with them), memorizing long scripts from video, repeating himself, and not pointing or gesturing, we started realizing he had some of the autism signs.

In fact, when we read down the lists of symptoms, he had lots of them.  He had language delays, some social and emotional issues, and some of the sensory signs.  He seemed to have no imagination or interest in crayons or action figures.  But he seemed way ahead in spatial skills, knew all his letters and numbers etc., had great focus, loved to be cuddled, and generally seemed bright and charming.  His motor skills were great, and any non-verbal tests he got, he passed with flying colors.  Or things that needed one-word answers he could do.  He was way ahead in some cognitive areas and way behind in others.

Then my second son came along and was the mirror image of my firstborn.  Extremely verbal, very early, artistic and creative, but way behind in motor skills.  Emotionally unstable and very anxious, he had almost all the sensory problems common to autistic children, including choking issues, hatred of socks and tags, inability to cross the midline, and freaking out sometimes.  He didn’t bond well to others (except Mom) and couldn’t do puzzles or visual tracking activities.  So even though he was talking, imaginative, and sociable enough in his own way, HE was all over the charts.  And thus possibly autistic.

Then my third boy came along.  You know the story by now.  He hit some milestones right on time (i.e. walking), hit some way early (i.e. sentences by 19months old), and some way behind (i.e. toileting issues until his fourth birthday).  And he had some strange issues (i.e. severe fear of water).  By this time, however, we had trashed the charts.  We figured he was fine!  He didn’t have to love everything 3 year olds loved, he didn’t have to talk like 3 year olds talked, and he didn’t have to fit in some “autistic Spectrum” bucket because he had some emotional immaturity. And now that he’s nearly five, we’re SURE he’s not autistic!  (or any of our other boys either).

So this is my encouragement to you if your boys are geniuses at some things but embarrassingly behind at other things.  Do you know that book, “Men are Like Waffles and Women are Like Spaghetti”?    That book effectively describes how my little boys think.  Their brains are like waffles, with separate compartments for each kind of skill or knowledge.  They can dive in real deep within any one box, but the knowledge doesn’t seem to transfer over into other boxes or compartments.  The connections aren’t there, and there isn’t much infrastructure to help them build up their weaknesses. So they grow very unevenly.  It can be worrisome for a time because their strengths get stronger but their weaknesses seem to get weaker, especially when you start comparing them to other kids.  3 year olds tend to be the most diverse.  Sometimes therapy doesn’t even seem to make a difference, at least not right away.  Little boys just plunge ahead with their strengths (what they naturally get) and prefer to stay there, enjoying it and totally oblivious to your concerns that they aren’t “normal” all around.

Consequently it is now no longer surprising to me that my six year old son currently can take apart radios and electric circuits, but doesn’t understand that if he stands close to the stairs, he might fall down them.  My almost 5 year old son can talk to me about heaven and dying, and what he wants to be when he grows up, but still hates even the tiniest drop of water on him or will change his underwear or socks if they get a speck of dirt on them.  My seven year old son currently can pass second and third grade English and Math tests, on paper, but has a five year old’s vocabulary, says “What?” a lot, and uses awkward phrases all the time.  They are just not even developers.  Some things way ahead and some things behind.  Some normal habits and some strange idiosyncrasies.

In comparison to my girl, who is precocious socially and emotionally, and has met every deadline on time, there is just no similarity.  My conclusion: It’s ok for boys to be uneven and worrisome.  That’s just often how it goes.

The Shy Child

I am entitling this the “shy” child, although one of my sons who prompted me to write this is perhaps not the typical “shy” child as much as the cautious or worried one.  I have been studying this behavior a lot recently and, now that he is turning six, looking for appropriate ways to help him conquer fear and anxiety, especially socially.  He has basically had this problem since he was little.

Looking back, I can see that he was even a “shy” baby.  He was small and weak, clingy but happy.  He was easy—didn’t cry a lot, napped all the time, yet sometimes wouldn’t hang onto a feeding enough to get the full amount.  He gave up easily, grew up behind his physical milestones, fearful of trying to walk, and screaming his head off when I walked away from him, starting at about 8months old and ending I’m not sure when.  Probably at 16 months when he finally tried walking, and found out he could do it perfectly by then.  Toilet training was a nightmare, separation anxiety was terrible, and he sucked his thumb for a long time.  (He still does, only at night though).  We found out he had a barrage of sensory and motor issues, got him occupational therapy for that, and would stutter when he didn’t get enough sensory input that day.  He generally liked people though, he was exceptionally bright and talkative at an early age, and taught himself to read.  I never had any real concerns.

This may or may not describe your child, but the point is that the shyness and fearfulness began at an early age and it has been tricky to help him grow out of it.  We have only just gotten to the place where he was ok enough to do kiddie gymnastics at the YMCA.  He breaks down and cries so easily that most classes are a nightmare.  And most teachers don’t have enough patience!  Let’s face it… I don’t always.  I have a unique empathy for what he’s going through, as his mother, but sometimes I can’t handle an avid crier.  I  just can’t understand why games are not fun, competitions are so threatening, and most stuff he won’t even try.  And I don’t mean like trying out for the soccer team.  I mean, like he won’t try to throw a nerf ball through the Little Steps basketball hoop.  Or use a friend’s kiddie tramp in the yard.  Little things, you know?

Well, now that he’s older (6yrs) and so precocious, I have been able to have some good conversations about it with him.  And I’ve been reading up on the subject.  And here are some things I have learned, which might help you deal with your clingy and fearful one.  (I can tell this is going to be a long post, sorry!)

1.  Shyness is not a crisis. Don’t panic!  (Maybe I should have said, “shyness isn’t autism” =)  Even though it seems that everything for little kids in America is geared towards sanguine, extroverted children, eventually the more reserved ones will fit in.  For kids who are wary of excitement, the world can be a tough place.  As parents who want to see our kids happy so much, we just have to accept this.  There are melancholy types, and we may have one.  My second son is a stereotypical Eeyore, Gloomy Gus, or whatever and it has been a little difficult for me to accept this.  Yet I see the wonderful things God has placed within him which are going to make him successful when he’s older.  I see his empathy, thoughtfulness, gentleness, carefulness, and discernment.  He is analytical, scientific, extremely emotionally aware, and will probably end up in a counselor, teacher, therapist, doctor, or otherwise helpful role when he’s an adult.  I don’t want to squelch this even though I get frustrated that he won’t join in the Uno game or kiddie pool =)

2.  Share the positive things with the child. Whereas my other three kids are blissfully unaware of their strengths and weaknesses, and charmingly prideful about everything, my shy child is painfully self-conscious.  This makes it all the more important to start teaching shy children about themselves.  They are ready to hear it, actually, since they are already thinking about it.  And if I don’t interrupt the “bad tape” that my son is playing inside his own head (“I can’t do this.  I’m too short.  I’m not good enough…”) then it will take over.  I have to replace that bad tape with a “good tape.”  So I do this by sharing those good things I see… how neat it will be to see what he’s going to do when he grows up.  Even at 5yrs old, he was thinking about it and whether we have an accurate vision is not the point as much as it is that there is a purpose for his personality.  (Always approve of any idea they have, about what they want to be when they grow up, even if it is ridiculous or a bad fit.)  Subconsciously, I want to shift my child’s perception of himself from “my problems are my identity” to “I’m destined for great things, so I can overcome the challenges.”  Sort of like talking to the average 13 yr old who feels inadequate!

One way to help a little child who’s insecure is to draw a picture of a big bucket and put their name on it.  Then talk about what good things go in that bucket, like “kind” or “thinker” etc.  You can list these things and draw arrows into the bucket, and then put the picture somewhere they will see it a lot, like on the frig, or over a desk.  For non-readers, draw a small picture next to each word, like a heart next to “kind” or a thinking face next to “thinker.”  They will soon come to know these words as they see it daily, and you can bring it out when you have your talks.

3.  Teach positive thinking. This is kind of the same as #2 except more practical.  I actually teach my son to narrate what he’s doing, sometimes, instead of playing his “bad tape.”  The ol’ standby of “I think I can, I think I can” is ok, but my son is such a realist that “I’m putting this lace around this one, and then I’m pulling through” is better for him.  It replaces “I can’t do this, It’s too hard” while he’s practicing tying his shoes.

Also related to this is watching your language.  Shy is not a bad word, nor is sensitive, and the reserved child needs a vocabulary to talk about the issue as they grow.  Yet the shy child already feels like everything they do is under a microscope.  They feel that the problems they have are huge, but their strengths are insignificant.  If you’re careful how you speak, it can reverse this kind of thinking.  Obviously try not to scold or criticize, but more practically, try to give instruction instead of correction whenever possible.  And when appropriate, sandwich the instruction within two loving statements like, “I know you’re trying really hard to do that right, which is great.  I think you have to hold the bow in one hand while you loop with the other.  Then it will be easier.”  Pretending like everything is NO BIG DEAL is key.

4.  One-on-One time is huge. The shy child tends to appreciate the one-on-one time the most.  All kids need it, but the more tender or reserved child often doesn’t get it because they aren’t around as much, or are gentler, or whatever.  So make time and go get them if they won’t acknowledge the need to come to you.  And beware of leaving the child who plays alone in the corner, alone.  They probably don’t want to bother people, or have conflict, but direct eye contact and engagement goes a long way in warding off problems.  In particular, it keeps them from developing passive aggressive behavior later on, when they realize they need things but don’t know how to communicate or get what they need the right way.  Connect, connect.

One of the best ways to do this is create a personal ritual.  It can become very valuable to them, even if it’s just a bedtime story, or a weekly Saturday breakfast out, or whatever.  Even a non-demanding two year old is able to pick up on a ritual like this, and enjoy munching a bagel with you at Panera.  It tells them “I love you, and I like being with you.”  This will counter that negative tape they play and make them happier inside.

5.  Reward and Celebrate courage. The shy child is reluctant to engage social activities often because they have performance anxiety.  They may not know what to say, or to do, and so they are afraid of getting in the game.  And they may feel pressure to get things right the first time, do a good job, etc.  Knowing what “should” happen or what going to kindergarten “should” feel like causes them great cognitive dissonance as things “actually” happen or they experience what they “actually” feel.  Then they feel guilty or ashamed.  It is a very adult-like trap, really.  It takes some undoing.

Part of the undoing is to obviously teach as many skills as possible.  Shy children in particular need to learn eye contact, hand shaking, phone skills, manners, and what to say when they don’t understand or don’t know.   Many cannot turn off the fear or waterworks once they start, and they shouldn’t feel ashamed for it or convinced out of it until they’re ready.  Time-outs are often helpful.  They also need to practice with non-threatening people or contexts (even stuffed animals!) if actual performance is involved.  But once teaching and practice are done, then the key to reward and celebrate when they step out.  For another child, starting a conversation is not worthy of praise, but for the shy child, it is.  Speaking up, telling someone what they need, asking for help, trying something new, going to a party, singing in circle time at nursery school, offering help, etc…. all these things should be taught and then heavily rewarded no matter what the results are.  I’m not against giving shy kids candy for rewards.  It is a very tangible and non-consuming way to tell a 4yr old, “Great job.  I’m happy with your effort.”  Now with my shy child, giving him the incentive of an M&M to do something is different… it doesn’t work because then he feels all this pressure to perform to get that M&M.  This actually shuts him down and makes him cry.  So do negative consequences being threatened, obviously.  But an incentive is different from a reward.  His face does light up when I catch something good and reward him for it, probably because there was no pressure or expectation involved.  Find a balance, but reward based on the effort not the outcome.

6.  Get sensory and motor issues checked out. For my son, some occupational therapy (and now kiddie gym) has gone a long way in helping him deal with his anxiety.  Not every shy child has sensory issues, but probably more do than we know.  When a child actually feels everything too loud, too fast, too bright, etc., the world is an overstimulating and scary place.  Getting some occupational or physical therapy can raise their tolerance levels, as well as give them non-threatening one on one attention in the areas they need strength.  When I first sought testing for my son (then just 3yrs), everyone was so worried because of his fears and crying during the exams.  They thought he was depressed, had generalized anxiety disorder, and needed a neuropsychological exam.  I feared that only medication was down that path, so I persisted in my quest to take the more physical route.  I truly believed strength and self-confidence was at the root of the anxiety, so I insisted we try that first.  What do you know, it worked!  So if your child is afraid of parties, gyms, playgrounds, malls, etc, it is definitely worth checking this out.  My son not only hears the lowest sounds on the hearing machine, and sense all touches and smells more than anyone else, but he has bad visual discrimination skills so he can’t spot things well.  He can’t see me in a crowd, see Daddy coming back to the car, sense where he is when he turns a corner in the library, or get to the trash can and back in a restaurant without getting confused.  This of course contributes to startling and anxiety but is, thankfully, one of the easiest things to work on at home through worksheets, I Spy/Where’s Waldo, puzzles, and other visual tracking activities (try “Slow and Steady, Get Me Ready” by J. Oberlander for preschooler ideas.)   In my opinion, if there are sensory/motor issues behind social anxiety, you’ll never get the shyness to abate just by tackling them psychologically.  They need skills and desensitization too.

Salsa!! (Pico de Gallo)

Now I know salsa is not on the most practical end of little-kid foods.  It is spicy, there are specks, etc.  But for whatever reason, all four of my picky eaters (ages baby to 4 yrs) would all snarf the pico de gallo whenever we went to Baja Fresh, Chipotle, or Qdoba.  So since my husband and I LOOOOVE mexican food, I started trying to make my own pico at home.  After two futile years, and many seemingly similar recipes, I finally got something we all like.  It’s totally adjustable too, so flex it as you like.

Pico de Gallo

3 medium or 2 large tomatoes, hydroponic DOES make a difference! (sorry, regular people)

1 jalapeno pepper

1 med-small red onion

2tsp to 2  Tbsp. minced garlic

1/2 c. cilantro

2 or 3 limes

salt, garlic powder, cumin to taste

I’m not sure directions are really necessary, but here goes =)

1.  Dice up your tomatoes into small cubes.  There are some great youtube clips on how to dice properly.

2.  Chop up your jalapeno finely.  For non-spice, remove the pith and seeds.  For spice, mash up the pith and seeds, and add.  Beware!!  This can make it incredibly hot!  My husband and I like medium, so I only “kind of” mash up half the seeds by jabbing them with my knife handle a bit.  The pepper itself is not hot, though, so you don’t have to take it out for kids.  Keep it in!  It has amazing amounts of vitamin C, more than oranges.

3.  Chop up your red onion.  Again, consult youtube.  They show you how to slice your onion from bulb to tip first, which makes the difference in getting a good fine chop.  (You could use a white onion for more bland eaters).

4.  I have that garlic minced in a jar thing, so I kind of throw in 2 heaping tsp of it, but this is all relative.  Fresh would obviously be better but I hate having garlic bulbs around the pantry and not being sure how old they are or how long they will stay there =)

5.  Take 2-3 limes and squeeze all the juice in there.  Do not omit the LIMES. Repeat: Do not omit the LIMES.

6.  Mix it all up and season until you like it.  I tend to sprinkle the spices in a little at a time, continuing to taste.  But realize that the most important part of salsa is letting it sit for awhile.  You won’t know how it is really going to taste until 4-24 hrs later.  So don’t season for today’s immediate impact.  I think I sprinkle in a small palmful of kosher salt.  A small layer of sprinkled garlic powder and an even slightly smaller layer of cumin, just over the whole top.  Then mix in.  The salt should bring out the taste of the tomatoes, but if you can taste the salt itself, you put in too much.  Better luck next time, or cut some more tomatoes and onions.

7.  The last step: Cilantro!  So many people hate this herb, but I suppose not too many mexican lovers do, since it is in everything.  Get a fresh bunch and, after washing and patting dry, chop it up!  I guess I use anywhere from 1/2 to a whole cup, depending on how big my batch of tomatoes were.  Just take a nice handful and throw it in there.  My pieces are always too big, but smaller is ideal.  I stink at cutting up herbs… more youtube for me I guess.

8.  You’ll of course be snacking on it immediately, but it will be at its peak 12-24 hrs later.

*NOTE.  So much of salsa is proportions, which change from person to person.  You have to find a balance you like and eyeball it.  For this recipe, it makes about one medium tupperware amount of salsa (up to the brim), and the proportions of tomatoes to “everything else” is about half and half.  Usually a restaurant pico is closer to 3/4 tomatoes and 1/4 “everything else.”  And they almost always take out the tomato goop/seeds, using just the fleshy parts.  I didn’t do this unless the goop fell out intentionally.  Adjust as you like.

Chores/Milestones Your Kids Can Actually Do

So the other night I was skimming through a very popular mothering book from the 70s, and I came across the chore section where—i am NOT kidding—”holding the wood” while Mom saws it was an example chore for a TWO year old.

Ok, so I am not sure WHOSE two year olds are ready for holding wood or helping saw, but it definitely isn’t mine.  And I am pretty sure the book wouldn’t have been published today with the AAP and that kind of suggestion!  Fearful as we all are

Now I am like many other moms who think the Culture of Fear has gotten out of hand (we have to say NUTS are included in Almond Joy bars, and all playground equipment is plastic and spongy now).  But I still don’t stoop to quite the amount of security that these co-authors had.  And yet, I wonder why our kids today are so dependent on us, as compared to the earlier days.  There must be a connection.  I always get a great laugh when I watch “The Patriot” and one of the stony-eyed militia men tells his curly red-headed five year old, “Look after your mother!”  That’s a sweet joke of course, but there WAS a day when twelve and thirteen year old boys actually were supposed to look after their mothers and work the farm when Dad was away at war.  Do you know any 12 or 13 year olds who could do that today?  Not many.

So while I am pondering this loss of maturity, I realize I’m not doing that much better in my own home.  When it comes to jobs, I have a tendency to do them myself because my kids seem so… so… dumb.  Sorry.  But they are!  They ask ridiculous questions, can’t see the obvious, and have less coordination than their PE teachers are aware of.  My own fault, no blame here.  Also two of them can’t read and two of them are very short for their age.  But I am looking to transfer ownership and responsibility to my young brood—to challenge them to pitch in and take care of their stuff—without assigning them jobs which involve saws or fire.

But what is age-appropriate these days?  What is expected?  (I should get some info from a person with a farm.)  But here is a list of chores/jobs that I have so far found to be age appropriate.  Each age differs SO much.  And gender and birth order makes a difference (My oldest are three boys).  And personality.  But here’s where we have so far been successful.  (I will add more jobs in later as I think of them).

3-4 year olds

• pick up own toys, including outside and bathtub
• clean up own crayons, play doh, puzzles, school materials
• put own dishes in dishwasher
• help water plants
• put laundry into piles (by color, category, or owner)
• choose own clothes, get dressed mostly by themselves
• gives everyone a placemat, napkin, spoon, etc
• helps put reachable groceries away
• puts stuffed animals, pillows back on own bed
• can “help” wipe, clean a mirror, use a dustpan, etc.
• runs things to the trash
• lays out food on plates, with prompting
• stacks things (cups, tupperware, etc)
• hangs own things on the frig
• turns TV on and off correctly, or other easy buttons

4-5 year olds

• organize their own backpack, bookshelf, closet
• puts things in the right folders, stickers in the right spots
• change a CD/DVD correctly (with training)
• work the basic remote buttons (with training)
• run things up and downstairs, to the right places
• put their own laundry away correctly
• dusts
• sets/clears table with help
• helps bring in light groceries
• can use automatic water/ice dispenser correctly (with training)
• helps plant flowers, garden
• helps clean out car
• holds a flashlight for you
• can plug and unplug more reliably

5-6 year olds

• wipe kitchen table off, use sponge without too much water or mess
• wipes most spills up ok
• sweep crumbs with a dustpan (well)
• brush own teeth (correctly, without supervision)
• buttons own shirts, snaps
• can help with laundry, using a stool
• puts mail in and retrieves mail, remembers flag (not on a crazy busy street)
• can put most groceries away, including the refrig/freezer correctly
• toilets without help anymore (except occasional emergencies)
• can change own clothing (dirty, wet, hot/cold) without prompt
• makes own bed
• straightens own blankets, folds blankets/towels
• can bring you over a hammer, screwdriver, etc. reliably
• helps a younger child with clothes or shoes
• can help a younger child at nighttime with an easy problem
• learns to put on own seatbelt
• can do a “loop” around our neighborhood sidewalk, on a scooter independently (not a busy street)

6-8 year olds

• comb own hair (correctly, without supervision)
• learns to tie shoes, harder clothes independently (i.e. belts, zippers)
• take ownership of dishes/dishwasher, plan ahead to run or not run
• folds laundry correctly, pairs and rolls socks, puts things on hangers
• sets own watch/clocks/timers
• can do assignments independently, coming back when it’s over or there’s a problem
• makes lists
• can change/replace soap, toilet paper, paper towels, etc. with a little prompting
• can (finally) assist in some minor home renovating projects =)
• can take own bath with slight, occasional oversight
• wipes a mirror, counter, or toilet correctly
• use a dustbuster, or canister vac with some help
• uses toaster and microwave correctly, with some supervision
• can ride a bike independently on our street
• can open and shut most car doors without incident

Almond Crusted Pork and Potatoes

Well, my first attempt to get my kids to eat roast pork actually worked out well.  My own memories of pork as a kid are these little dried up cutlets.  So since I don’t have a lot of tenacity when it comes to meat, I looked for something that looked yummy before I had enough guts to try it.  What do you know?  A victory!

I served it with roasted potatoes because potatoes are one of the easiest vegetables for all my kids to stomach.  And they were so simple.  (I added steamed asparagus for the adults).  Don’t listen to the “potatoes are the devil” voices because they are starchy, but you cook them with the skins, so the fiber helps metabolize all those carbs.  Besides, most kids don’t need low-carb diets.

Almond Crusted Pork and Potatoes

• Convenience: medium long/medium-easy
• Health factor: 4
• Yum factor: 4

Ingredients:

• 1.5 lb roast pork (boneless, skinless loin) or get a 3lb and cut it in half.
• half a bag of almonds (8oz??)
• minced garlic
• 2 egg whites
• 1 bag of clean, small white or red potatoes
• olive oil

Directions:

Pork

Preheat oven to 375.

Unwrap roast and cut any bigger strips of fat off with a knife. (A little tricky).

Beat 2 egg whites (or three, if medium sized eggs) with mixer until soft peaks form.  This took me a couple more minutes of beating than I thought it would, but “soft peaks” are when you turn off the mixer and lift the beaters out, and a little lump or mountain forms without totally melting away.

Crush almonds with a nut grinder or by putting them in a closed ziploc bag and smashing with a hammer (on the floor).  Give this job to a kindergartner because they love it!

Pour the crushed almonds into a bowl and mix some garlic in there.  Then pour onto a dinner plate.   Pour the egg whites into a small dish, like an 8×8 (big enough for the roast to fit).   Roll the roast around in the whites and then around in the almonds, to coat.  Now the silly sounding part: do it again.  Yes, I know it sounds like the egg whites will just wash off your first coat, but it’s not totally true.  Coat all over again with whites and then nuts.

Place roast on rack in a 9×13 pan (line pan with foil first, if you hate clean up).  Press any remaining nuts onto roast.

Cook until 140-145 degrees internal temperature, about 75mins.  You’ll have to check periodically, though, with a meat thermometer, starting at about 60mins.  Getting the roast out between 140 and 145 is the key to eating it without needing sauce =)

Let sit and then slice.

Can you believe it?  The kids loved this!!!

Potatoes

Now for potatoes, it’s easy because they go in the oven with the pork, for the same amount of time.

Scrub a small bag of white potatoes and cut any blemishes out.  Leave any tiny potatoes whole as they are, but cut larger ones into medium chunks, about the size of a lemon or lime wedge.

Pour potatoes into an 8×8 baking pan or dish, and coat with minced garlic and oil.  It’s easiest to mix with your hands, tossing and turning until coated well.

Put them side by side, next to the pork, and let them cook about the same amount, checking for tenderness around the 60 min mark too.  They should be soft and crumbly when poked.  When I did this, they took the full 75 mins, or just a little longer.

Season with salt and pepper if desired.

Raspberry Chocolate Jam Bars

Or should that be “chocolate raspberry” bars?

Ok, they’re not healthy, but they’re really good.  And so simple, you can use any jam you have skulking around.  Easy for the kids to help… that’s important.

Raspberry Chocolate Jam Bars

Ratings (out of 5):

• Convenience: easy/quick
• Yum factor: 5
• Health factor: 2

Ingredients:

• 1.5 c. flour
• 1c. light brown sugar
• 1 tsp baking powder
• 2 sticks butter, softened
• 1.5c. oats
• 1.5 c. chopped pecans or other soft nut, crushed
• 1 package semi-sweet chocolate chips
• approx 12 oz raspberry jam (or other preserves)

Optional- 1/2 c. coconut, flaked or ground even smaller

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350.

Mix flour, brown sugar, and baking powder in a large bowl.

With a pastry blender, press in 2 sticks of softened butter.  (If the butter is a little overmelted, that’s ok, but make sure it’s not total soup.)  Mixture should be crumbly.

The best part!  Have the kids put the pecans into a ziploc bag (zip closed) and smash the nuts with a hammer.  Or something hard they can use, on the kitchen floor.  When they’re all crushed up, add the oats and pecans to the crumbly mixture.  Add in coconut if desired, *although* coconut is a known offender to many little children!

Press slightly more than half of the mixture into a greased 9×13 baking pan.  It will be kind of thin, but that’s ok.

Sprinkle half a bag of chocolate chips on top. (Save the other half for another batch!)

Use a flat rubber spatula to smooth jam all over top of chocolate chips.  This can be a little tricky so if the kids are helping, let mom do this part or the kids turn everything into a big jam ball of chocolate chips.  Just spoon out little bits of jam all over and smear until blended pretty well.  Also, go right to the edges of the pan because the jelly will not melt and spread out well on its own in the oven.

Sprinkle the rest of the crumb mixture on top.

Bake 25-30 min until slightly brown.  Cool before cutting.

Chicken Tortellini Soup

I had this bag of frozen tortellinis in my freezer which really weren’t that good when I tried to eat them with sauce, so they lurked there until I could figure out how to use them up.  Here was my solution:

Chicken Tortellini Soup

Ratings (out of 5 being best)

• Level of difficulty: easy/quick
• Yum factor: 4
• Health factor: 4

Ingredients:

Main-

• 1 bag frozen chicken tenderloins (boneless, skinless)
• 1 carton chicken broth (organic, reduced salt if desired)
• 1 can chickpeas/garbanzo beans
• 1 small white onion
• 1 small package of frozen cheese tortellinis

Optional- garlic, celery, carrots, parmesan, parsley, salt and pepper; one packet of chicken flavored bullion from a Ramen noodles pack, or 2 bullion cubes

Directions:

Boil a handful of frozen chicken tenderloins in pot until cooked all the way through.  Cut chicken into little pieces and save 1-2 inches of the water.

Add in one big box of chicken broth.  If you desire a stronger flavor, and are not adamantly against MSG, add one packet of ramen noodles “chicken” flavoring or two bullion cubes.

Add a can of garbanzo beans (drained and rinsed first)

Depending on how much your children tolerate vegetables, add  a small amount of chopped white onion (which is very mild).   You can add 1 Tb minced garlic, some chopped carrots and celery too, for maximal punch, but not necessary.

Add 1 small package of frozen tortellinis.

Boil and then simmer until it tastes seasoned and ready.  Vegetables should be tender all the way through too.

Season with salt and pepper, and garnish with fresh parmesan and parsley only if your children tolerate “flakes” or “specks.”

Safety note: for the youngest children, especially those who reject the texture of pasta, cutting the tortellinis up in half or smaller pieces is helpful.

FOOD FOR LITTLE CHILDREN

Ok, so I have very picky kids.  But it’s not their fault.  I am actually pretty picky myself, or at least was, historically.  Until my third pregnancy when my tastebuds changed rapidly and I was able to eat onions, peppers, and all kinds of foods I would never have touched before, I was a pretty bland palette.  I have a very sensitive stomach too, and I hated being asked to try things when I was younger.  I need to try a new food about three times before I even feel medium about it, especially if it is not sweet.

And I definitely ate only a dozen foods until I was 13.  I had no nutrition, which might explain why I’m so short!

So, needless to say, with four kids now under 7, I am not surprised that they are a little picky.  Not that the rocking food establishment helps either with their “drink milk” and “milk is the devil” type mindset!  All three of my boys have gone through a very long season where they wouldn’t eat meat (except for chicken nuggets) for almost 2 years each.  One of them won’t eat squishy foods, like grapes or pudding.  One of them was allergic to citrus for two years, and my “baby” still doesn’t naturally appreciate most fruits, texture-wise.  They all like sweet things, but they differ as to what else they’ll explore.  Sometimes they’re curious about adult foods (i.e. Caesar salad), and my oldest is finally getting interested in takeout foods (i.e. Dad’s Italian sandwich).  But they have notoriously rejected hot foods, cooked foods, and most cooked vegetables (although raw is usually ok).  Also I’m a homeschooler who prefers to work later in the day and doesn’t prepare more than thirty minutes in advance for dinner.  So, when combined with my NO HYPOCRISY HERE approach, I don’t force them to eat much that they don’t want, and I don’t cook adventurously to have them pick over it.

I just can’t stand that gagging over one bite face!

My husband feels differently, of course, and he is not as attached to my “they need mostly whole foods” approach.  Obviously he never had seven years of grinding his teeth as the pediatrician eyes his children and hums over the height and weight chart!  He eats pretty much what he wants and stays thin, so he can’t understand my anger when everyone hands my kids lollipops and cookies.  We have no “junk” food sweets in the house (i.e. no Fruit Roll Ups or things like that), but they definitely eat chips, hot dogs, and the occasional Wendy’s like every other kid.  Desserts are at a minimum, although this has the unfortunate effect of making them crave them whenever they’re offered somewhere else =)  And I use chocolate chips or M&Ms as a reward a lot, despite ALL the childhood experts who say to NEVER reward with candy!

They’ve never toilet trained four little people in a row or TRIED to get homeschoolers to check their work!

So we’re somewhat of the electic approach, which I suspect is normal for most families.  In general, my kids eat about 50% of a good whole foods diet which is rounded out by little children staples: graham crackers, animal crackers, cereal, chicken nuggets, frozen pizza, etc.  I’m not going to win any healthy kid awards or anything, but I’m happy to have kept them so far free from most cookies and candy, soda, and… uh, TV.  Hey, you have to pick your battles.

That said, long story short, I am just embarking on trying to gently wean my kids (any myself!) onto cooking.  My oldest has now turned seven and is ready to be pushed a little to expand his horizons, especially since he is now eating double the amount that I do!  The crashing realization that he better start being able to eat cooked, easy foods like macaroni and cheese, chili, and lasagna casseroles came down on me a couple weeks ago.  One day, all my boys will be big and needing to eat me out of house and home unless I have some foods stocked in the fridge at all times.  And it needs to be cheap, so no super-size boxes of granola bars which will be emptied in one afternoon!

Since they are picky as a foursome, I thought I’d post some recipes and outcomes here.  I probably won’t get pictures and things going until later.  (If you like that, just feast your eyes on www.pioneerwoman.com.)  Just in case YOU have a picky child or don’t already cook foods for your kids, this is a chronicle of my starting point.  How I become a little kids cook.  Successes and failures.  It will not appeal to all, since I am going to largely stick to my healthy approach but not enough to feed those raw diet gurus.  It will reflect my efforts to give them all the food groups without too much white flour or sugar, or convenience foods, but as simply as possible— given I can only afford to shop on sale at Kroger like every other penny-pincher.  It will also reflect my time, which is “medium” in the sense that I do stay at home but don’t have the inclination to become a true meal planner each day.   And ability, which I would also call “medium” in the sense that I can read and follow a recipe adequately without having any true Rachel Ray or Betty Crocker bone in my body.  Maybe I’ll learn.  Lastly, it will reflect the idiosyncrasies of my children who have never fallen for the “Kids Love It!” labels on recipes.  In the end, I will probably satisfy no-one, but the goal is just to get myself out of the no-cooking pit I have started with my kids =)  I understand– that’s how it goes…  food is personal.

Enjoy my journey!

Oldest Child Syndrome

I am not huge on birth order theory, but now that my two best friends and I all have a bunch of boys, it seems clear that there really is something to the Firstborn Syndrome!

Perhaps you’ve seen it. You try so hard to do everything right with your firstborn, from the moment you find out you’re pregnant to all the crafts and classes they should experience when they’re three. You’ve prided yourself on having the right philosophy, suffering for doing good, making the transition from Non-Mom to Mom, and all of a sudden baby #2 comes along or your first starts meeting with playmates and it dawns on you…

My little one can’t share!

They also can’t wait their turn, let anyone else have the new toy, let anyone else have fun with the old toys, make the louder siren sounds, eat a cracker they don’t have, or generally avoid competition over everything. “Me First, Me Best, Me Most” is the name of the game. Jealousy and suspicion run high. But you’re not that way! That’s not what you modeled! What went wrong?

The problem is that your child is not able to Do Unto Others yet. He is not able to look at your behavior and think to himself, “That’s what Mom does with me. That’s what I should do with others.” That is too hard for even most teenagers to realize, let alone your three year old. Your firstborn is used to getting things first, best, and most because there’s never been anyone else to compete with. And assuming that YOU don’t act like a three year old =) how is he to know what other three year olds are going to expect from him?

I’ve had a tough time with this myself because our children are spaced closely together. And even though I have four small ones, my oldest is still the handful, still the one I am always correcting, and still the one I worry about most… Is he ever going to get it? I could never figure out why he had Firstborn Syndrome so badly when he had another sibling come along so early in life (by 15 months old). But now I realize that acquiring a sibling early in life as a toddler still cannot compete with growing up with others from Day One. When a person is born into life with others around that Mommy has to take care of, pay attention to, help, discipline, etc., it is truly a whole other experience. That is why subsequent children are critically different in the area of recognizing the role of others in their lives. They may be Type A personalities, fun, extraverted, bossy, or all kinds of other go-getting traits, but they will not be as socially/emotionally misunderstood as your Firstborn feels when he/she initially encounters significant others in their lives.

So how can you help this?

It can be hard, especially if you’re one of those moms who really tried to do everything right. You’ve respected your little baby, toddler, preschooler, and now they aren’t able to respect anyone else. You have to start turning their worldview around, slowly, from The World Exists for Me, to I am a Special Part of the World. In particular, you need to gently start inserting age-appropriate boundaries between them, you, and what they want. When they learn that not all words, toys, opportunities, and Mommy space is for them, but they have their own turns for attention, they will start balancing out. Make it a project for the year to raise consciousness about how they are making other people feel around them. Here are some things I’ve tried at home:

1. Make your firstborn talk to other children. Firstborns are notoriously grown-up oriented. They seem to ignore other children at times because grown-ups give out more praise and attention. So they interfere with other parent’s playtimes at the playground, take over your adult friends when they visit the house, and ask about what you said or did with everyone else. Some grown-up attention is warranted, of course, but the better strategy is to redirect your Leading Actor from talking to adults to talking to any children who are around, even babies. In our home, my firstborn wants to tell me everything from the dream he dreamed last night to the new word he just read to how his shirt is tickling his arm. Rather than try to teach him which things are important to talk about, I have switched to smiling and saying, “That’s interesting. Tell your brother (sister) about it.” His siblings are usually interested anyway! And it gets him out of the seek-Mommy-for-attention mode and into realism… his siblings usually don’t praise every achievement or coo over every wound.

Try this approach at the playground if your child is a drama queen or in your house when showing off behavior comes. Encourage your child even to talk to babies, whom they usually ignore because babies give no acknowledgment whatsoever. But it is healthy for your firstborn to adjust to a peer-centered world because it helps them get perspective (without guilt).

2. Adopt boundaries when you are talking or doing something with others. If your child, like mine, is all ears for every conversation in the house, adopt some nice maxim to let them know where their ears or input are not wanted. Sometimes I ask my firstborn, “Who is Mommy talking to?” when he wants to answer or comment on what I’m saying to a sibling. Or I say, “It’s between Mommy and Daddy” when my firstborn wants to ask or comment on what I told Daddy. If he persists, I say “Honey, Mommy is not going to talk about this with you.” or something slightly firmer. But always in a nice way… don’t foster bitterness.

3. Utilize time-out for real showing off behavior. When your firstborn has just a learned a new skill, any visitor becomes a prime audience. A little bit is ok, but if your four year old daughter is still plie-ing over your guests after about five minutes, or your kindergartner starts reading Green Eggs and Ham aloud for a second time, tell them they are wonderful but grown-ups are here to talk to grown-ups.  If they are truly interested in ballet and reading, they will happily move to a different room to do it.  If it is showing off, they will be upset.  Then the choice is: stay here and be quiet, or go to a different room and play.  No leeway.

4.  Have them look at the face of the offended party. When a young child hurts or rejects another child, they usually look at the ground. Or they go on their way as if nothing happened.  Don’t ever let them hurt someone else, even a baby, without stopping to pay proper attention.  Have them look at the face of the person with whom they ignored, stepped on, or stole from (or refused to share with), and go through a small dialogue about how they feel… “David, look at Matty. You hurt his feelings. See how he’s sad? He wanted to play trucks with you.”

5. Don’t ASK them questions like, “Don’t you want to share with Matty?” The answer is obviously no. Just gently command that they do so. “You should share with Matty. That’s the right thing to do. Come on, give him one of your trucks.” In my own house, assuming that my firstborn has more than one of his beloved item, if he can’t surrender one of them, he has to give all of them to me. But if this makes him happy, because it is out of spite, then I make him give them all to the other child for a short while. Only then can the child experience the pull that his toys (unreasonably) have on him. He has to learn that people’s feelings come first, that they trump that pull. If I do this with respect (not asking him to share something if it is brand new, or he just started playing with it, or only has one, etc.), then his conscience gets trained. He can try again later with the warning that he has to share his stuff.

Some people wonder about “forced” sharing.  It doesn’t make rational sense that making a kid share would cause them to want to.  But like all things with little kids, you can’t wait until they FEEL like sharing to share.  Some kids are sharers by nature, and this is wonderful.  But for those covetous ones who aren’t, the best way to get it in there is practice, practice.  If you start at 2 or 3, you’ll be surprised by the end of the year that they’ll probably get it.  A 4 or 5 year old starting can take longer.

6. Don’t foster possessiveness. Firstborns are notorious for feeling like others are invaders on their turf… they are using their cup, their slide, going to their school.  One way to help this is to try to avoid addictions or attachments altogether. I try not to let my oldest become addicted to anything that would make sharing harder than it is. No favorite cups, colors, toys, or foods. He has them, I mean, but I don’t cater to them… buying him MORE Lightning McQueen accessories, getting him his own personal dinnerware, or letting him carry around his Matchbox cars all day. This is almost anti-American =)  For my other kids, these basic things would probably be harmless. But for my firstborn, it just encourages possessiveness.

Also, watch your pronouns.  Try not to say “your” or “yours” unless it really is theirs, like their shoes, their hands, etc.  Don’t be weird, I mean, but use “the” or “our” for things which are collective property, especially movies, computers, furniture, toys, etc.  This will help enormously when you need to use something or another sibling/guest comes along.  It is important for little kids to know what things they need to protect anyway, and what things aren’t appropriate to share versus those that are.

7. Don’t allow upstaging or interruption. My oldest likes to talk louder so everyone can hear him, point out his own accomplishments…especially when a younger sibling is working hard on something he can already do, and race to sit by me if he sees someone else coming to get a spot. Gently, I expose his motives that he’s trying to keep someone else from getting attention, praise, or a space, and that other people need those things too. “Taking turns” seems to be the most helpful metaphor because that implies that he gets attention too, but just not at the same moment. (i.e. “Let Sally have her turn telling Mommy about the train, and then you can.”)  Personally, I believe it is ok to help older children learn the rule of letting younger children get what they want first, although there are some situations or children where it is not wise.

8. Give opportunities to help others and get praise for it. My firstborn is a natural director, so sometimes I give him service jobs that channel his controlling nature into something good. I look for things that he likes to do, that need to be done, and that the recipient benefits from, i.e. helping his little sister get her sandals on, going to see if the car is clean, teaching his brother the letter sounds.   This helps him see constructive uses for his personality but also practice seeing others’ needs. I try not to overpraise him for his work as much as play up how happy he made the recipient… “See her face? She is so happy that you got her shoes on! Now she can go play!”

9. Model sharing with him, in games if necessary.  Play turn-taking games, card games, or other exercises where you switch things.  Lots of little kids are really hesitant to let things go—their hands are always poised ready to grab—and this is something that needs practice.  You should do it one-on-one with him until he is sharing with you well… until he gets that with someone he loves, and can trust the sharing process, he won’t do it with others (who are not as trustworthy!)

10.  Put the shoe on the other foot in training exercises… Show him how it feels to be ignored, upstaged, taken from, beaten in a race, etc. Never ever be cruel, but consider some low-key narrated example for your little firstborn to actually feel bested so they can gain empathy for those they are besting. The best way to do this is to artificially replay the scenario that just happened, either with you playing the part your firstborn played and him playing the victim.  Or you can reenact with the two original parties in slow motion, narrating what happened.  You can have the parties switch positions as actors if necessary.  The point is not to enact revenge but to slow down and rehearse a situation that comes up a lot.

11.  Make him do the giving in normal situations. Make him give things to a cashier, take items upstairs to Daddy, give the baby his bottle, etc.  This makes letting go seem more natural.

12. Adopt some maxim you can use often like, “Let’s look at everybody” or “Think of others” whenever these situations come up. A 4 or 5 year old is definitely able to get the picture if you are saying this often, and while they probably can’t change their behavior on the spot, it will be planted in the back of their minds for later.

13. Community service or talking about giving things to others can go a long way too. Talking through how we give clothes away that we don’t need, making a casserole for a friend who had a baby, letting our neighbor borrow our CD, or wrapping up Christmas presents for kids who don’t have any, shows that giving is an easy, natural, and pleasant thing. All kids need to see this, and your firstborns most. Talking about all kinds of generous behavior as much as possible will give them the extra tools they need to internalize that type of message.

14.  Most Important: Make sure you are truly meeting your firstborn’s needs for love, possessions, and attention. Especially with siblings and playdates, they may legitimately feel lacking.  Or they may be scared of letting go of your attention, or of the position where they have the most attention by default.  Also, it is easy to fall into giving your child passive attention but not active.  Preschoolers and Kindergartners really need active talking with you where they knows you are paying specific attention and not needing to leave for some reason.  When you are confident that their love tanks are full, then you can be confident (and calm) during corrective activities.

The Dawdling Monster

Ahh, it has been too long since I wrote a post.  Probably because as all of you moms with little children know, a day can feel like a week, or a week can go by like a day.

But as I wait for my four, almost five-, year old to get down the stairs for breakfast, it dawns on me that this is the third child I have had to go through this stage: the Dawdling Stage.  My once efficient, independent, do-it-myself preschooler slowly turns into this lazy, haphazard, stare-at-each buttonhole kindergartner.  Somewhere between the ages of four and five, at least with all my boys, this has happened.

The Dawdling Monster eats your child up slowly, though.  One day before school, they are done WAAAY before they need to be and you have to finish packing the lunch and get to your child to read them a story or something before the bus comes.  But then, sometime later, you realize you have to keep getting up five minutes earlier, five minutes earlier, and five more minutes earlier, just to get them ready in time.  You’re flying out the door, forgetting the lunch, because your four or five year old has taken fifteen minutes just getting his clothes on.  Then ten minutes to eat a bowl of Cheerios.  And he’s wandering around without a care in the world.

So if this is you, take heart.  There’s not much you can do, and it’s not your fault.  All of my boys, with three distinct personalities and styles, have now gone through this stage, and I am realizing it occurs all on its own until about six years old.  Then, as the child becomes a first grader, if you’re diligent about family habits in general, it eventually subsides all on its own.  The six year old will pleasantly dress, brush their teeth and hair, and come down for his breakfast cereal before your four year old even gets his pajamas off.

But what’s the answer?  Well, I confess I am writing this post more for me, than for you.  I don’t have too many solutions yet.  I have tried different things and none of them totally worked.  I have tried taking back over the morning or evening routines: taking their clothes off for them, putting their shoes on, etc., and that only made them upset.  Because they could obviously do those things themselves.  I tried setting timers before I made my move on them, but that didn’t work either.  Or telling them they had ten minutes to clean up before dinner would be ready, etc.  They would get so upset, though, trying to beat the timer, and usually not do things right or thoroughly.  I tried manipulating the schedule just to give them more time, but they always take up as much time as I give them.  This is particularly pronounced at bedtime when the routine consists of multiple different parts: cleaning up, washing, pajamas, etc. When I had four kids under four, it used to take about 30 min.  Now, it takes about 90, or longer if I hide behind a book until they’re done all on their own.

We now start getting “ready” for bed just after dinner is over, at 6:00!

I have also tried rewarding them all for finishing early or on time.  I have tried competitions, with rewards for the team that is first to clean up, get in the bed, etc.  (That only creates heartbreak for the losers, or resentment at the slow team member assigned to the faster one.)  I have tried checkpoints, i.e. “Tell mom when you’re done dressing…” and harping at them, i.e. “Come ON, we’re late!”  I have even tried (just one time) the threat of, “If you can’t get those shoes on by the time your other brothers are ready, we’ll leave without you.”  (Which we did.)  That seems to have only produced perpetual fear in my now six-year old that we’ll potentially leave without him any time we’re going somewhere.  The only thing I haven’t tried yet is giving my child a watch to time themselves.  But knowing my boys, they would just have another thing to get distracted over (they LOOOVE machines and buttons).

So I have pretty much decided to stop fighting it.  It’s really not an issue of confusion or changing things, it’s just nature.  When my third little boy entered this stage, I realized it for what it was.  Pretty much like the No-No stage.  That doesn’t mean it’s not frustrating!  He once used to blow right through an alphabet worksheet, and now that he’s starting kindergarten and learning to read, I feel like he suddenly acquired a massive case of ADD.  He stares at each letter, then into space, then back at page, then at the binding of the workbook, then his pencil with some shavings still stuck on the tip, and fingers them while saying, “uhh… “Spot?”  But while I roll my eyes a lot, I’ve stopped fighting it.  Hopefully he’ll follow in his other two brother’s footsteps of picking up the pace a little when he turns six.  Now I remember why I don’t teach kindergarten!