Preschool Abuse, or IEP Tyrant!

Every day I hear from moms who feel like their preschools are scaring them into believing there is something wrong with their little children.  In my opinion, this is an abuse of authority.  While most people would be so glad to have a top-notch school with excellent staff and resources, there is one negative thing that often comes with this great package: control.

I personally live in a state where the public school’s control is appalling.  Teachers are allowed to teach homosexuality to first graders without notifying their parents first, prophylactics are given to high schoolers, homeschoolers are weeded out, state testing is crazy, and the DSS is called on cue for anything.  I believe in School Abuse.  But to see authoritarianism at the preschool level is more disturbing.  And it happens all the time.

Schools that can afford to have resources and experts often end up usurping parental control. When you are dealing with little children, however, this is unacceptable. A teacher can frighten a parent into thinking their three-year old has a major disorder just because he or she shows some of the symptoms. They have a panel of experts there to test and diagnose, and then the child is put on an IEP with a label until they can convince everybody that they don’t need it (i.e. never!). The IEP is a legal agreement so you can’t just cancel it or take it lightly… it is the manual that now comes with your child unless you refuse services (which in itself makes you feel like The Awful Parent). Incidentally, multiple labels can be applied, which is often the first step towards kiddie medication.  If you reject the IEP or labels, then the school can view you skeptically, as if you were negligent, and challenge you if necessary.  More likely, the kindergarten teacher will just try again to get your child on an IEP by pointing out everything he or she hasn’t mastered yet compared to the other kids.  You have to deal with this community and this school board as long as you live there, and you become tainted goods.

Who wants to go through that?

Most parents are afraid to stand up against a preschool staff of experts, usually because they themselves are worried that the experts might be right. What if their child IS autistic? What if they have some other developmental problem? We’re not experts, so we don’t know. And we’ve all heard for the last decade or two that children who get a diagnosis before they turn 5 (or 3) turn out fine whereas children who don’t have no hope! So the media frightens, experts confirm, and schools overdiagnose.  These types of things frighten parents into ceding control to a preschool… and then to elementary school, middle school, and high school… there is no easy way out

I am not making this up.  I am good friends with the special education teacher for the high school in our area.  I have sat in on many of her classes, and she has told me stories first hand of how kids get on this path from age 3.  The child is unruly or has a learning disability, the parent doesn’t know what to do, then the school becomes the parent.  The child is shuffled through the system with all kinds of diagnoses, growing up into them, and then signing their own IEPs when they have the legal right to.  Teachers, parents, and kids are stunted by these diagnoses on paper.  Now most of the kids I saw did have disabilities and/or some problems, but they were mostly slight or behavioral… “misfits” who didn’t talk or look you in the eye, probably had ADD, no study skills, and a below average reading level.  Most of them you could imagine being the three-year old who wouldn’t “integrate.”  They were NOT the handicapped group you think of when you think of the state so graciously helping special ed kids get an education (which should be commended).

In my own son’s journey down this path, the preschool special ed teachers themselves were excellent. I am not writing this to discredit teachers or special education. I have several friends and two family members who are in the field, and I completely understand their care, concern, and liberty in taking care of special needs. However, as a mom, I maintain that it is completely unacceptable for a group of unknown experts to make me fear what’s wrong with my child. And then to provide the program and solution for me to ease my fears, as if they can handle it from there. This is precisely what happened when we went down the public preschool path with my first son. (And then had to consider it again with my second son.)

There is so much fear out there!

The special education services my child received were good. And he started developing more typically, which was relieving. But the whole experience made me feel so out of control, inadequate, afraid to parent, etc. I was supposed to know my child best and be his advocate, but it was clear that the public school staff were just feeding me a line when they said those things… they didn’t want me to ask questions or get involved beyond visiting the class if I wanted to. They came to my house every month to see if there was anything obviously wrong about it/me, they asked me to implement some of their learning props at home, they failed to call or email me about what was going on (a necessity when you’re sending off a three-year old that doesn’t talk!), and they ignored behaviors we felt were unacceptable. They had me come in for meetings with their directors where they said scary things to motivate me to sign the IEPs, they discouraged me from refusing services when my son turned five (telling me I could have a lawyer present if I wanted), and they threatened me that if I moved him to another school and tried to mainstream him, that everything might look rosy for awhile but then he’d probably take a turn for the worst in third grade when things get substantially harder… after all, that’s what happens to special needs kids who don’t get their special needs met!

It was crazy!

All of a sudden, my life was turned upside down. My child was given a label and a price to fix his label. And i was willing to pay that price because I wanted him to talk so bad. I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if I’d said, “No, I don’t think he’s that bad. I’ll keep him at home another year and see…” but then he’d turned out to have a “real problem” and needing to be held back. What kind of mom could consider that?!

So I was a victim of Preschool Abuse.

When it came up the second time around with my next son, I was wiser. I skipped the school services route and found a private therapist. This experience was much better, but it was still full of icons and fear. What if he was four and still hated swings?  What does it mean that his stuttering is getting worse?  First he only needed occupational therapy. Then they added physical. Then he started regressing and crying so they wanted a neuropsychological exam. And all this for a borderline kid… not a classically disabled child but for an anxious and sensitive one with some motor delays. It really was over the top but I liked his therapist too much to quit. Plus, I was wiser.

From the feedback I hear on this blog, and from some friends of mine, I believe I am not alone in this experience. I believe many moms in their nice neighborhoods with their nice public schools are going through the same thing.  Mostly this is a first-time mom trap, but not exclusively.  I am eternally grateful for the civil servants in my area, but when those lovely  benefits turn against me to work fear into my heart about my children, I am not a happy camper. And I am certainly not happy when the childraising expert elite (many of whom have not even HAD children of their own yet!) try to talk to me about my child as if they had given birth to him.  Parents need to be bonded to their children completely, and not scared into doing somebody else’s will. Their agenda needs to incorporate professional feedback when it comes to possible developmental problems, but the medical establishment out there has gone overboard… and developmental or psychological handicaps ARE part of the medical establishment now. Your pediatrician, your kid’s teacher, the speech pathologist on staff, the directors of the public school, the media… all are on the bandwagon now. And once the foot is in the door for you to give your authority over to those people, who all know more than you to be sure, you are likely to keep ceding that authority again. You’re likely to feel like your kids are completely out of your control, and you’re just hoping that by the grace of God, they’ll somehow get through it and become successful adults.

This “hang on” approach is not healthy. Boundaries should be permeable but are absolutely necessary.  So when it comes to Preschool Abuse or Expert Abuse, I encourage you to reject it. Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater, but protect your kids like the mother bear you are. Everyone will be better off for it.

What Changes When I Have the Baby?

As you can probably guess, the answer to “What changes when I have a baby?” is… everything!

But seriously, just because everything changes doesn’t mean that it is all scary or all bad. Becoming a mother has been the destiny of a majority of women since time began. Many good things come from becoming a mother, including the enlargement of your heart. Where all your detail orientation and concern used to produce perfect hair, stylish decor, and a together attitude, now it will all be focused on this wrinkly little stranger whose destiny you have NO idea how to shape. If you can imagine shifting your time, body, activities, budget, and philosophy from your own life to someone else’s, 24/7, you can pretty much achieve what it is going to be like being a mom.

I am a firm believer that this cognitive and emotional adjustment is the number one change most new moms have to make. Nothing prepares you for this shift from Self to Other. I didn’t even know it was possible! Of course I still think about myself as a mother—and now that I have four children, I have had more practice “carving” out some self in the midst of life with little children—but the inner workings of my mind are completely different. So are my fears, my priorities, and my deep motivations.

The externals or physical aspects of mothers are not to be downplayed, of course. Starting from day one that you are pregnant, your body is no longer your own. It is taken over by a small, pink, tender, but hostile little planet. And you will be largely responsible for how that little life emerges. You don’t feel the way you want, you don’t look the way you want, and you probably can’t eat exactly the way you want. You also don’t sleep the way you want, make love the way you want, or do any other physical thing exactly the same way. This seems to be God’s way of initiating the pregnant mother into motherhood… the first test of shifting from Self to Other orientation.

Then the baby is born and you have all heard of the trials there, so I won’t belabor them. Suffice it to say the birth and delivery is a wonderful but physically demanding event, for which recovery must be taken seriously for your body to not rear its ugly head. Then there is the exhaust factor of the crying, feeding, staying up at night, and generally not being able to figure out what your baby wants. If you are breastfeeding for the first time, sometimes this is a difficult transition and you can be found with a boob hanging out in plain view for pretty much the first three months straight! The house still needs cleaning, the food still needs preparing, the errands still need to be done, the paperwork needs to be taken care of, and life still goes on… but you have to manage how to do it AND tote the baby!

But assuming you make it through the physical marathon of the first six weeks, you will probably start feeling the emotional adjustment more keenly. At some point, it will kick in that not only are you IN CHARGE of this precious little life, but YOU yourself must nurture this little life for the next 18+ years! A huge slice of what used to be independent decisions are no longer independent anymore because they affect the baby. And you must start confronting both the ups and the downs of parenting. Starting with the ever-present question: “What is my baby trying to tell me?” questions you feel like you are not prepared, equipped, or able to answer start flooding your brain every moment. It is hard to ignore those questions and voices, “Am I doing everything right?” “What if I cause a problem here?” “Is this fixable?” “Will anyone help me?” Going to sleep is sort of your only respite.

But the good news is that even these tormenting questions have an ultimately good purpose: they motivate you to engage your child, reach out to others, and make the best of it. If you can muster up enough confidence to just dive into life with baby and be ok with who you are, what you can do, and the resources you have… you will win!! Don’t give into the nagging insecurities, identity crises, or perceived losses. This is one game you must trust in yourself to get off Square One.

And don’t forget you are not alone. Not only do you have friends and neighbors who are all like you, engaged in this amazing drama, but you have a personal partner: your husband. Your husband is a hand-picked friend for you to confide in, consort with, and find comfort. If he wasn’t in the past, you better start making him now! You can’t do this alone, and your husband needs to be included in the parent game. In some sense, he is more able to handle the sometimes crushing emotions than you are because he is not as enmeshed in the toils of everyday life with baby. So don’t resent him for this or blame him… seek his help but make friends with his rationality. Sometimes it is the main life line being sent to you.

And for goodness’ sake, continue to be glass is half full! You have this little baby! It’s going to work out! You’re not going to mess up in any new ways that mothers haven’t already! You love it! It will love you! And there are SOO many blessings that will start rolling in as your child develops and becomes your own that you have to focus on those things. Don’t miss them.

Do find a time/place for yourself, to keep something going that you alone love, and that will help. Draw those boundaries, get a shower every time you need it (hah! I’m not kidding!), and lower your expectations of what you need to get done each day. There is a reason why “families” are an institution that you can recognize with playgrounds that clutter the yard, toys which clutter the basement, and laundry which is never done… because this is what raising a family entails! People sacrifice the same things for a reason, so don’t be ashamed if some of those “That will NEVER be me” things become you. You are not the old you. You are a new you. If you can embrace this, no matter what, you will be just fine =)

My WIFE is pregnant– Top 10 questions from husbands

1. Should I make my wife take the epidural? Do something less “kooky” for our birth plan?

Well there is kooky and there is KOOKY. I am against anything KOOKY. But if this is the first baby, most husbands are understandably intimidated by the whole labor/delivery idea. The notion of being in a hospital with a doctor seems the logical way to go… why reject modern science when we have spent centuries trying to get it? But because of inroads made by natural childbirthers these days, and the rise of unnecessary medical interventions, many moms-to-be want to explore a natural childbirth plan. To her, it seems philosophically and biologically good. To him, it seems like his wife is making a demanding and unsafe decision. He is protector and provider, so it is ok for him to be concerned about his wife and new baby too. But until both husband and wife can see each other’s perspective, progress will not be made on the issue. You will end up having a him v. her stand-off, and probably the wife will win because it’s her body but then she’ll be sad because she has a less than willing partner.

This is not the way you want your birth to go (tension, disinterest, fear). So if you really can’t make progress on the issue, I’d say to opt for a midwife in a hospitalized setting. Then you get the best of both worlds where Mom is happy because she can try to have the unmedicated birth, but Dad is happy because intervention is on-hand if it becomes necessary. On the second pregnancy, there can be more reasonable debate.

That said, Dads cannot “make” wives take the epidural or do something less kooky. Natural childbirth in homes and birthing centers has made much progress in the last twenty years and is generally very safe. Proponents rightly point out that other cultures tend to more readily accept natural childbirth and that Hollywood in particular has skewed our imagination of what the labor/delivery will be like. Dads really have to listen to moms about what they want for their birth plan because it IS her body and she has to produce this baby. It is a deeply personal and biological decision, and one that will affect how she perceives reproducing and mothering… a dissatisfying birth can make her unbonded with her newborn or hesitant to do it again. So keep that in mind when you’re discussing options.

And yet moms also need to keep in mind that dads have a more practical advantage over her in this situation. In the large majority of cases, having a hospital and/or medicated birth goes just fine and is completely subsumed by the amazing pleasure of having your baby put in your arms. Hospitals are very safe and there is no need to necessarily try natural childbirth if you don’t want it, just because the majority of neo-childbirthing lit out there touts it as the only way to be a REAL mother. Remember that Dad wants his two precious people in the process to be safe and sound. So if he wants to help and be a part of this newborn experience too, he has a right to advocate for what he thinks is logical. And if you do both choose natural childbirth, Just discuss the epidural beforehand so he knows your “don’t let me cave” whining from your “i’ve seriously changed my mind” pleading =)

2. When will be able to have sex after the baby?

Doctors rightly tell you to abstain for 6 weeks postpartum. That is because it takes approximately 40 days to heal from childbirth. Basically, Mom has a huge wound in her abdomen that needs to heal, and the bleeding needs to stop. The uterus needs to shrink and contract to its normal size, allowing the connecting parts to go back to how they were before. If she’s had an episiotomy, it takes about that long for the stitches to dissolve and the tissue around there to heal. Also, the pregnancy hormones are more significantly out of Mom’s system, allowing things to physically and emotionally get back (relatively) to normal. Mom will get her check up then, and if the midwife/doctor gives the green light, you’ll be set. The doctor/midwife will also ask what the birth control plan is, and give the green light for that too. (Barrier methods may be a little rougher than non-barrier methods, as things get going.) There’s nothing magic, however, about the sixth week or 40th day per se… it can take shorter or longer to heal (even up to another month) depending on the stress and workout of Mom’s day.

Dads are always excited about this appointment—it is the one appointment they’ll put on their own calendar and ask about! But getting the biological checklight doesn’t necessarily make the Mom emotionally ready, so be prepared for other issues to crowd the turf: tiredness from staying up all night, feeling fat and out of shape, being scared it will hurt, repulsion at the idea of something else being present in the “you know where” parts, reluctance to think about reproduction again, irritation at the birth control if using barrier methods, anxiety from listening for the baby during sex, being unshowered or not feminine, etc etc. All the Mommy Reasons will rear their ugly heads. Just warning you!!

Work through these. If you’re the man, understand. And for heaven’s sakes BE GENTLE for the first time or three because it is EXTREMELY tender down there. And if you’re the woman, get a lot of KY Jelly and dive in. Don’t wait until you “feel” like trying because you never will. Do your duty and know that with some practice, things will eventually get fun again. The more communicative you are with your husband, the lower your standards are for that first time, the better it will be.

Dads: Don’t worry if you don’t “fit” the first couple times. Even if Mom had stitches, they didn’t shrink her. Mom will eventually get her elasticity back and you’ll be fine.

3. Will we be able to have sex during the pregnancy? Will I hurt her?

Every woman is different about sex during pregnancy, probably because pregnancy makes women feel very different. For some, pregnancy is beautiful and eye-opening, and sex feels good. For others, it is bewildering and uncomfortable, and sex becomes an obligation. And still for others, pregnancy is awful and distressing, and sex is painful or repulsive. Physically, it doesn’t affect the baby at all. So talk to your mate and find out what her feelings are. You should be able to have sex during the pregnancy as long as you find out what works for both of you—you will probably need different positions that keep the weight off her abdomen, or you may need a different schedule because she’s sick in the mornings and tired at night. You may need to go faster or slower, or make any number of adjustments, so communication and light-heartedness are the key. Don’t feel offended about each other’s feelings and needs, and find ways to communicate before, during, and after sex to consult each other about what works and what doesn’t work. As a rule, you’ll probably get the most sex in the middle of the pregnancy because hormones are high and the body is probably over morning sickness but not too big yet to make things uncomfortable.

Moms need to know that dads’ sex drives don’t go away just because they’re pregnant. And dads can’t be expected to abstain for a year while you incubate, deliver, and then tend to the baby at night. You have to respect his needs which are natural but different from your own.

Dads have to know that moms are going through the Twilight Zone as it concerns her body, and that physical and emotional things are in radical shift during pregnancy. Sexual desires (or lack of) are not purely rational or consistent, so you have to hang in there and not be offended over changes. Things will return to normal next year. Also, dads, never make your wife feel self-conscious about her appearance. She’s already conscious enough for ten people. If you want her to still get naked with you, then you need to put the charm on and continue to bless her as if she were the paragon of beauty. She won’t believe you, of course, but it will go a long way towards making her feel comfortable, which is the key to more sack time

4. How much does having a baby cost?

How much do you want to spend? People all over the globe in every time and place have babies. So babies, in a sense, cost what you want them to.

In a more practical sense, I was a real cheapie and so I found that having a young baby was relatively cheap. I paid $20 for each prenatal visit copay, and $250 to be admitted to the hospital for delivery. No extra medical charges throughout. For our first baby, our baby shower guests gave us $200 to buy a crib and mattress. And my dad bought us a special bedding set. Then I borrowed most baby equipment items and clothes from friends, including a carseat and second-hand dresser, or bought them off the Craigslist. I probably spent about $100 on Craigslist and $100 more on a new bouncy seat, a cheap nursing pump, a couple precious clothing pieces I couldn’t resist, some new pacifiers, some nursing ointment, and special toilet paper after the delivery. And each well baby check-up was $20 copay. So that was $650 plus copays and diapers ($200 not our own). And to be honest, because we breastfed the baby, that’s really all we paid for about the first year. We could have tried harder to get things for free off the Craigslist (which I did with subsequent children) and saved even more.

I mean obviously there are things that will come up that you need, but so much can be borrowed, handed down, or bought second-hand. I got free formula in the mail, free diaper bags, free samples. I bought a can of paint when we painted the nursery for $20, I bought new shoes as needed, etc. I did not have to buy an extra airplane seat when we visited our family for Christmas (because the baby was under 2 years old), and I did not get out of the house as much in the first year so our gas cost went down. I also did not buy things for myself as much, although we did spend some more money on takeout than we did before. None of these things really inflated the budget. So be assured if you are young parents on a new budget that having a baby is relatively cheap. Anything else that you want to spend is a privilege, not a necessity.

If you get equipment and accessories as a one-time cost or in baby shower gifts, the only things you have to regularly budget are:

• clothes (or make use of others’ hand-me-downs)
• diapers
• formula/baby food (if nec)

5. How is my wife going to change? What does motherhood do to women?

A tough question… Every woman is different. The standard answer to this question is that her attention will change from you to the baby, and she’ll suddenly be agonizing over totally irrelevant topics such as which pacifier is best for the baby’s gums. But this is kind of simplistic… although true

I asked my husband this question—what changed the most about me—and he said the biggest change was probably how I started seeing my own identity in reference to the kids.  I think he meant how I am no longer an impartial judge of myself, but however the kids are doing is how I’m doing.  And whatever they are going through, I bring into the marriage so the whole family is going through it.  Or maybe he means that I so easily see myself first as Mom instead of Wife or Individual, that it is hard to get lavish attention or uncritical responses.  I can see how he said this.

But as the person who changed myself, I would say that the biggest change is that I don’t feel able to “think” anymore while I am going about life and doing my Mommy thing. I just kind of survive each day, each week. And I only have enough mental space (or RAM, for you computer dudes) for people’s issues every day before my hard drive crashes. I used to be more aware of my identity, goals, and passions in life as I went throughout my day. Now it is like that part of me—which I miss at times—is buried deep within and only gets attention some days, at some times. There is the Mommy Me and the Real Me. I feel less passionate or purposeful at times, although I think that’s superficial just because I’m busy… the passions would come back out if i were suddenly beamed out of Mommyland. I wonder how I’ve changed and, when I have time to myself, am not always sure how to spend it. I guess I would say I’m just less aware of myself and try not to think about it much. For some husbands, this might be nice. For others, they might feel like they “lost” a part of their companion that they cherished before. Some moms do emerge from Mommyland incredibly different, after their children are grown, so that is something for husbands to think about. But for now, that’s my biggest change.

6. Do I have to attend the birthing classes?

Well if you want to make your wife happy you do. It’s just one of those things that lots of modern couples and newly pregnant moms do. It’s too much information and you may opt out of a natural childbirth in the end, but it is your one big chance to show your wife that you care about the baby SHE’S carrying! Be glad it’s not you, and remember that understanding what’s going on is probably the biggest thing you can do to foster empathy. Plus, when you fight over something, you can say, “I know exactly what you’re talking about, honey. I was there, remember?!” Just kidding, don’t say that! If you can get past the gore, it’s actually a very miraculous process. Plus, doctors and nurses expect fathers to be part of the birthing process these days, so you don’t want to be fainting and saying, “You want me to do WHAT?” in the delivery room.

7. What do I do when my wife panics about (breastfeeding, baby’s not sleeping, he’s not developing on time)?

Number one, don’t panic with her. Number two, restore her confidence. Parenting in the early days is all about surviving. You’ve heard this but now you have to live it. And as the dad, you’re still pretty much in the same boat as you were when your wife was pregnant: the coach, not the participator. That doesn’t mean that you won’t DO any work. But your wife has to do most of it, especially if she is breastfeeding, and this is like trial by fire. If she can get past the hurdles, she’s made it to happy Mommyland. If not, the peace and joy is going to be a lot harder to come by. It is your job, as Dad, to help get her there. And that means not panicking whatever she’s panicked about. And it means comforting her in whatever ways necessary to restore her confidence.

Some dads are into the baby thing and have lots of advice. If you have advice and are a problem-fixer, be gentle about this during panics because Mom probably doesn’t want a solution… even though it seems like she does. She probably knows what she wants to happen but is overtired and can’t make it work. So give her a break by holding the baby for awhile, send her downstairs for a nap, and make it seem like you’re just fine being in charge for awhile. When she’s rested, try again. If she’s having a philosophical crisis, find her her favorite book on the subject. If she’s having a practical problem, advise her to call another Mom friend. Sympathy and empathy go a long way into restoring confidence, and sometimes some ridiculous tip from a veteran is all that is necessary. Whatever you do, don’t lose your cool. Don’t tell her that the problem doesn’t matter and the baby doesn’t care and she’s just being ridiculous. Don’t tell her that she’s making it worse by worrying about it, or that you’ve never heard of that problem before. Don’t tell her that she’s not doing it right and your mom never did it that way. Or anything of those infuriating things that may or may not be on the tip of your tongue.

But you are right not to take it as seriously as her since most baby things should be taken with a grain of salt. And all first moms struggle with stuff. Soon she’ll be an expert on everything and you’ll be smooth sailing.

8. What should I do about parents and in-law’s expectations?

As the dad, this is the ONE area that most moms would LOVE you to take over. With the exception of probably her own mother, most new moms want some boundaries between the grandparents and the baby but the grandparents don’t want any. If you don’t get some, and get on same page about it, there can be quite a bit of rocky soil ahead. And especially with your own parents, you need to take charge.

Grandparenting is a phenomenon that is not well-studied yet. But a little observation shows you that grandparents feel suddenly released from all the hang-ups they had when they were parenting you, and now they want to have unlimited access to their little grandcherubs. Many want to know how you’re going to raise them, when they’re going to get to see them, what opportunities you’re going to give them, etc. It can be a blurrying experience, and you’d think THEY were having the baby!

So your job, as the rational partner in the equation, is to figure out some boundaries and enforce them, especially with your own mom. Your wife is going to feel very protective of your new little person, and will feel pressured or jealous if your mom is trying to take charge, spoil, or enforce her way of bringing up baby. She has her own mom to deal with (which could be equally as dizzying but more likely not as threatening), and you need to balance the needs of your wife and your extended family.

Good luck. My suggestion is, make sure each grandparent gets to see and fawn over the newborn. Let them buy all kinds of ridiculous paraphernalia for him/her if they want. Let them take as many photos and videos as they want. But after the initial hubbub, make everyone back off for awhile until your wife is healed and on her two feet again (six weeks?). Send digital pictures or do whatever you have to, to stave off the parents and in-laws. But put your wife and baby’s relationship first, let them get the nursing thing down, etc. Then slowly start working in regular visits for extended family (once a week if local, so your wife can get out; or once every three months if you’re long-distance). And if at all possible, get your visitors to stay in a hotel instead of at your house. This gives everyone some breathing room, and allows you and your wife to still feel like you’re in control of your own house.

9. What kind of supplies do I need when the baby gets home? How much should we expect to spend?

Elsewhere on this blog I have a Top Ten Pieces of baby equipment list. But the short answer is:

• crib, mattress, and bedding (or pack n play)
• carseat and winter snowsuit if necessary
• bouncy seat
• baby sling or carrier
• baby blankets
• size 1 diapers, rash cream
• baby Tylenol (dropper), thermometer
• any special gear you have in mind for feeding, nursing, etc.
• a couple baby toys

Spend whatever you want to spend, but know that you don’t have to indulge the magic nursery picture on the Toys R Us/Pottery Barn catalog. Save your money for when the child is not growing out of things as fast as a NASCAR racer.

10. I think my wife is depressed, what do I do?

For some women, having the first baby is heaven on earth, everything they ever dreamed. For most, it is a surprising experience where they are prompted to adapt like never before, in between gushing periods. For some, though, it is a real emotional dilemma.

There are lots of popular things out there about postpartum depression, such as Brooke Shield’s book. But the best thing to do is get help. If your wife is truly depressed—she’s not eating, she’s crying or hysterical a lot, she can’t get out of bed or is trying to avoid the baby—you need professional help immediately. If your wife is less severe than that—lost in Mommyworld and unable to get out or be happy—then you can probably help with some simple strategies:

1. Get her a shower time EVERY DAY.

2. Get her out of the house EVERY DAY. Even if it is just a trip to the grocery store or 7-11.

3. Get her some phone time with a friend or sympathetic person EVERY DAY.

4. Get her something new like a couple new shirts or a haircut.

5. Paint a room or somehow sparkle something up in her living environment. (You don’t have to actually SAY “sparkle.”)

6. If you have to leave town or be away long hours every day, consider getting someone to live in for awhile like her Mom. Especially if she’s actually having trouble taking care of the newborn. If you can afford it, hire a nanny or babysitter for a couple hours a week (DO IT YOURSELF: Call a friend for a referral or use Craigslist if you don’t know where to start). Otherwise, just be available to help yourself. (And make sure you actually help, don’t sit around and watch TV).

7. Pick a chore or two that you can handle yourself regularly and do without asking… but one that she’ll notice… cleaning the kitchen is HUGE.

8. Get her out of the house each weekend at least once. Have her go meet a friend and walk around the mall, go to an exercise class, a cooking class, or whatever is motivating/normalizing.

9. Find a Moms group of some kind she can take part in once a week… most towns have various options such as: La Leche, Moms walking clubs, Moms morning in the park, Storytime at the library, Caretaking seminars at the hospital. Good places to find info on these things are the library, grocery store, pediatrician, maternity wing of the hospital, preschool bulletin board, or local parents paper.

I know some of these steps seem like a lot, but really it’s not so bad. If your wife is depressed, you just have to focus on getting her back on her feet and then things will fall back into place. You’re working against hormones and an amazingly precious yet needy new bundle. Go into Action Mode, just for a couple weeks, and I guarantee that the majority of moms will turn around with this type of care. It is totally normal but takes some comprehensive attacking. I’m sure, as Superdad, that you’re up to it

Boys and their Bowels

Ahh, boys and their bowels. A lovely topic. But it must be discussed =) I have had three boys and even though they have wildly different personalities, some commonalities have emerged:

1. Somewhere around 2, the boys started hated having their bowels. They really resisted it and would generally hold them in forever. My mother-in-law called this “anal-retentive.” But whatever it was, they would whine, cry, or sometimes hide off and on for days whenever they felt the urge to hold it in. This led to the second commonality…

2. When they would go, their bowels were huge. When they started getting them in the toilet, my husband and I would marvel over how so much stuff could fit inside the bellies of such little people. The boys themselves started to get proud of their big bowels and would happily describe them to us as “big,” “huge,” or “giant.” It was kind of disgusting, but to them it was just functional, something they had created. And big they were! Many of them stopped up the toilet and we had to keep the plunger right on hand.

3. In general, they always seemed constipated. Probably due to the massive “holding it in” problem, they generally seemed backed up or even slightly pained as they passed their bowels. They had plenty of fruit and water in their diets, but it didn’t seem to matter. As babies, the number of times our boys pooped was always a worry. And it didn’t change much as they grew! Until we let it go

Giving our kids snacks on the toilet helped them learn to poop on it. Giving them M&Ms as a reward for doing their duty helped motivate them the next time. Laying a piece of toilet paper across the seat (under their bum) helped them feel “covered” while they were working on it. And doing the wiping for them until they were older and more coordinated (around 4, 4.5yrs) all helped the bowel training process.

But basically I learned through toilet training three boys that boys having bowels is just a big deal for awhile! It’s totally normal! They didn’t like going, they didn’t like a dirty diaper, and they didn’t like sitting there on the toilet and letting their bowels drop, and they didn’t go very often if they could help it. Doctors can recommend diet and suppositories, but who wants to do that? Nature will eventually take its course. The reality is that many little boys are just this way and until they are five and have some perspective on the subject (and are more skilled with toileting themselves), their bowels are like an event. In some way, it is not totally unlike my husband or my father who stereotypically head off to the toilet with a newspaper or magazine for quite some time! It is always a source of slight dread for them and when they finally emerge it is like the world is a brighter place. I have never really understood this about men, but apparently it is just one of those gender mysteries that start from the beginning =)

The point is, don’t stress over boys and their bowels. It’s not worth it. And if you really have a constipation problem that is needing intervention, give them some juice and put them in a warm bath for awhile. It works every time =)

I found out I’m pregnant– Top 10 Questions

Please feel free to add your own questions in the comments section if you think there are others more important =)

1. When do I need to wear maternity clothes?

So much of this depends on your current size and style of clothing. If you’re a very slim build with slim clothes, you will start feeling “full” in them as early as 8 weeks. Most of my very svelte friends needed some bigger pants (but not maternity) around 12 weeks. To the outside world, they didn’t look pregnant, but they themselves knew! I would say it is normal, no matter what your size, to need at least one or two sizes up around the end of the first trimester. And it is probably normal to breach your first maternity pants between 16 and 20 weeks—not the huge belly pants but ones with stretchy waists or slight bellies—as well as your first maternity shirts. The hugest maternity clothes usually come into play somewhere between the 7th and 8th month when your baby steadily starts putting on its own weight.  I’m sorry, but you will eventually look like a boat =)

But so much depends on your size, style, and pattern of weight gain. Some women gain 10 pounds in the first months and need bigger clothes sooner. Others are on their third and fourth children so a slight “belly” seems to appear immediately! And yet if you’re one of those unfortunate souls vomiting non-stop for the first three months, you won’t need a bigger size for awhile because you’re not gaining weight. Some women still are apologizing for their too-small bellies up to the five-month mark. And significantly larger ladies tend to not gain much weight in their pregnancy and may be able to get away with their regular size until the last trimester. One plus-size friend of mine gained only 8 pounds until the last six weeks of her pregnancy, when she upped to 12 pounds. Then there’s the matter of taste: some women want to jump into maternity styles immediately because they’re so excited. Others want to forestall the maternity thing until the last minute possible. So it’s all in the details. Do what works for you.

2. When do I need to go to the doctor?

Generally speaking, it’s a good idea to get your first pregnancy check-up sometime between 8 and 12 weeks. Even if know exactly when you conceived and you’re perfectly healthy, the person in charge of your health during pregnancy will want you to have an ultrasound for dating purposes. And the earlier the ultrasound (like at 8 weeks rather than 13), the more accurate the delivery date will be. That delivery date will be etched into your mind, the mind of your practitioner, and the schedule of your practitioners’ office forever, so you want it to be accurate. Many midwiferies and birthing centers have limits to the number of ladies they can deliver in a particular month, so get on the “schedule” early if possible.

If you haven’t made up your mind about which doctor, which hospital, which birthing center, or home-birth… go to a local doctor anyway before the end of your first trimester. (Call your insurance company for an OB/GYN covered in your area if you don’t know where to go.) Even if you end up switching from him/her, the results of your initial tests can be easily transferred to the person you choose later. The first visit will entail a blood test to confirm pregnancy and all important blood stats, and probably a pelvic exam, urine test, and basic medical history questionnaire. (If there was, sadly, any major problem like an ectopic pregnancy, they can catch it then.) Then they will ask you to schedule that first ultrasound. Once these details are locked in, you can take all the time you want to find the pregnancy/birthing place that most fits you, even up to the fifth month if it takes that long.  By 18-22 weeks, you’ll need to be committed to a place because there is another more important ultrasound at that point, as well as a couple routine tests.

3. Do I need prenatal vitamins? Which ones are best?

There are lots of different opinions out there, and I have a post somewhere about it. But the controversial answer is that “yes” vitamins are important to prevent Spina Bifida, and that a prenatal vitamin is supposed to be more specially formulated for pregnant women than your regular brand. But do your own research. I was happiest with Shaklee’s because they were organic and seemed to be absorbed better, and because you could get them without iron (which made me nauseous and constipated).

4. How much weight should I gain? Will I ever be able to lose it?

Common wisdom is 25-35 pounds with skinnier ladies needing more weight and heavier ladies needing less. But often times skinny ladies don’t gain that much, maybe 20 pounds. And lots of people gain more. I gained 55-60 pounds with three of my pregnancies and lost it each time except for maybe 5 pounds. Pregnancy weight is different than other weight and is lost differently. You lose about 12-20lbs in the first week after delivery. Breastfeeding can help (but sometimes postpone) the weight coming off. Often times a regular healthy eating pattern is enough to slough off the rest (i.e. as opposed to “dieting”), especially if you are in your 20s.

So returning to your old size is definitely possible. But not common. Also keep in mind that even if you lose the weight, the proportions of your body may change. Breastfeeding (for a long time) is known to make breasts shrink, hips may be slightly wider, and the ratio of fat to muscle on your body will  probably change… muscle tone lost, fat gained. So this may make the weight lay differently on your body than before, necessitating a size smaller bra but a size bigger pant. (Also your feet may have gotten wider!).  It’s all part of the natural course of pregnancy hormones which relax your bones and make you store fat for the baby.  Taking a prenatal exercise class can help you maintain some muscle tone, but don’t be surprised if it doesn’t look or feel as cool as it did before you had morning sickness, cravings, fatigue at 8pm, and a big belly!

5. What do I eat?

Any book or website on pregnancy is probably 50% or more about what you eat. So it’s all in what you relate to. But my simplistic advice is: eliminate processed foods and caffeine. Eat as much fresh food as possible (nothing in a box or bag), and switch your beverages to decaf. There are a million ways to eat super, super healthy (which is ideal), but for the rest of us, these two changes are enough to really bolster your health and your baby’s.

Don’t forget that you are not supposed to be “eating for two.” That is old wisdom. Don’t count calories, but eat functionally (what your body craves) and according to your actual hunger. I found that my real hunger kicked in around the fifth or sixth month. I was ravenous then, and that was ok. I am a firm believer that eating how your body is telling you to during pregnancy makes a difference in how the weight comes off in the end. And eating healthily while you’re pregnant ensures that you won’t feel malnourished after the delivery. (Your baby will be nice and healthy but you won’t!) If you eat for two and include lots of empty or extra calories, you won’t lose that weight and you’ll feel like you’re a starving orphan after the baby comes out. I am sure that “extra 5 pounds” I couldn’t lose between each pregnancy came from about 5 pounds of “extra” cookies I ate while I was pregnant! The rest of the healthy eating weight came right off =)

6. When will my morning sickness end?

Well, most chronic sickness ends somewhere between 12 and 16 weeks. But for a minority, it lingers on. For some, it stops before. It literally can vanish overnight.  Because “morning sickness” is such a misnomer, it really depends on what you’re experiencing. Diarrhea, heartburn, stomach cramps, sickness at night, sickness after eating, sickness when anything (even a toothbrush) is in your mouth, sickness at smells, sickness when bending over… all of these things pass for “morning sickness.” I would say that the closer to classic “sickness when I wake up and I stuff a Saltine in my mouth so I won’t puke” you have, the more likely it is to end by the classic 13th week. But make sure your sickness isn’t being caused by your prenatal vitamin first. And make sure that you don’t skip meals because that can make you feel sick at any point in your pregnancy.

p.s. While you should always try to stay medication-free during your pregnancy, a little Pepto, Zantac, or Immodium is not harmful if you get in a bind.

7. When will I find out boy or girl?

You can find out the gender during your halfway-point ultrasound… between 17 and 22 weeks. The external genitalia have developed enough, and the baby is not so big and squashed yet, that the ultrasound technician can usually tell. Other cool landmarks are seeing the heartbeat (as early as five weeks), hearing the heartbeat (usually the third month), feeling the first movements (usually around the half-way point), and feeling the body parts/seeing them move across your belly (when you’re huge!).

8. Hospital, birthing center, or home birth? Natural or medicated?

Each has their pros, and I bet you can guess what they are. I have a longer post on the issue somewhere, but doctors are good for those who feel comfortable with the highest medical access. Doctors are also a must if you have a high-risk pregnancy for any reason (diabetes, suspected birth defects or history, past drug use, carrying multiples…) or if complications arise.  They are also a natural choice if you know you want an epidural, although many hospitals allow midwives to oversee low-risk births with epidurals or inductions too.  You can be sure that you’re safe in a doctor’s hands, although this method of birthing is increasingly under attack today for the medicalization of the delivery process—including fetal monitors and IVs, and more pitocin, inductions, epidurals, and caesareans than are necessary.  That critique noted, it is also true that fetal monitoring can detect a distressed baby, inductions and caesareans which are necessary can be administered, and any complications with the baby postpartum can be expertly addressed in a medical setting.

No-one likes staying in a hospital for long, but it is nice to have a nursing staff help you and your baby recover for at least 24 hours (the time when most things, if they are going to go wrong, do). You take your baby home knowing that you and he/she have been thoroughly checked out.  Hospitals are notoriously brusque and routinized during the labor process, but they are increasingly adaptable to things that women have fought for over the years, including your husband present at all times, rooming in with your baby, breastfeeding (usually there is a lactation consultant on staff), and less prep (no enemas, shaving, etc.).  They will, however, use high lighting, noise and commotion when necessary, the laying down delivering position, and rigorous baby cleaning postpartum (including a heel stick) which the modern day natural childbirth camp is normally against.

Birthing centers are a good option for those who want a professionally assisted natural birth. While giving birth at home may be a stretch for some people’s imagination, giving birth at a birthing center can seem like a fabulous option. Midwives and doulas can help you achieve your dream of having a natural childbirth, assisting you with showers, massage, water births, labor balls, and whatever else. Your husband can be with you (but no children) the whole time, and you basically run the show without doctors and nurses telling you what to do. But the best part is the ability to labor and move around freely, in your own clothes, in a pleasant environment, not facing the constrictions of a hospital and its monitoring. You get women who are usually fabulous with birth and relationship-oriented, who are really excellent at everything they do, even emergencies. Plus you have the ability to be transferred to a hospital should something scary come up. The only big downer, other than that you can’t change your mind and get an epidural (!), is the time crunch: you can’t stay if you’re not in active labor, and you have to leave 6-12 hrs after giving birth. That is not a long turn around time.

Home births are good for the naturalists in all of us who really want the old-fashioned and family-oriented experience of delivering the newest member at home. Assuming that your state and community permit it (some don’t), and that you actually own your house (renters cannot home birth), and that you can afford or cover the professional assisting you, home birth can be a great option. Obviously you have no chance of backing out of the natural birth, and delivering in the tub is often promoted for pain management. But lots of moms feel more at home in their own environment, with their own music and surroundings, with their family and any children around them. The professionals are usually amazing, and you can do the birth ANY WAY YOU WANT. So if you feel this calling, check it out. There are more and more people doing it, especially thanks to Ricki Lake’s documentary on “The Business of Being Born.”

On the other hand, the traditionalist in me says that home birth should probably be contemplated after you’ve given birth once already and you know what the labor/delivery process for you personally, actually entails.

9. Do I need to take childbirth classes?

If it’s your first birth, I would recommend at least a video, even if you plan on having an epidural. Because not only is a natural childbirth an amazing thing, but the average woman needs some education about the delivery process. The lady’s delivery on your video will probably not be anything like your delivery, but that’s ok. Even better is to get your husband to watch it with you because—let’s face it—the average man knows next to NOTHING about a woman’s body or delivery. And you both will be faced with the gritty details at some point!  Even better is to get your husband to attend childbirth classes with you. The advantage to childbirth classes is the time spent with your husband, the regularity of thinking about the delivery you want, and the community involved with you. The disadvantages includes the cost (although some insurances cover them), the picking of a philosophy (Bradley is very different from Lamaze), the time commitment (especially for career people), and sometimes the teacher.

10. What is labor like?

Well, it is certainly nothing like what you see on the TV. I don’t think I’ve ever seen even one labor/delivery on the TV or movie screen that was anything like my births. So don’t use that as your guide at all. You do not have one contraction that makes you know you’re in labor. Your water usually does not burst all over someone’s feet as a telltale sign. You do not scream and panic like the baby is going to claw its way out. You do not hold the baby in your arms and it’s all over just like that. The real process is different for everyone, but a classic first birth goes something like, several hours of slight labor (milling around your house), several hours of concentrated labor (focused on pain management), two hours of pushing, and an hour of recovery/clean-up time. If you have an epidural, you may have a blissful time (or not). If you have any kind of medical procedure, you will be sitting in a hospital bed the whole time, hooked up to an IV and fetal monitor. And if you are in a birthing center or at home, you are probably walking around, squatting, breathing, and otherwise not screaming your way through the contractions. In most cases, you spend several hours laboring rather normally until you get to the hospital or birthing center rather dilated. Now the pushing part may entail tons of pain like you see on the TV, but not everyone feels that way. The pushing is definitely PUSHING. And then when the baby comes out, there is the afterbirth, possible stitches, and clean-up of both you and the baby which is normally left out of Hollywood once the smiling pink nuzzly thing is laying on your chest =)

Cry Quietly

While the notion of “crying quietly” is old-fashioned and paradoxical, it is totally helpful to staying sane.

I believe it is important, in the early years of life, for little children to get a grip on their crying.  Crying is not the Unpardonable Sin, but it should not be allowed to get out of hand.  Even a toddler can be taught to not wail at the top of their lungs unless necessary.

In our house, we have generally followed the rule that if the child is crying loud enough that he/she can’t hear me over their crying, they are crying too loud.  We simply tell them nicely, “Ok now.  Stop crying.  Come on now.  Quiet down.”  The younger ages may get soothing and hugging, but the preschoolers are expected to quiet down (at least to sniffling) before progress is made.  All our children are told “No, no crying” if  they begin crying because they are upset about a situation or verdict (i.e. “I’m sorry, you have to give the piece back to your brother.  He was using it.”).  This is simply because we believe that some crying is warranted and the rest is just evidence of a bad attitude.  And our experiments have proven that children are able to learn this

Now that doesn’t mean you can be harsh or disengaged.  A small child crying is not to be ignored.  And even at the young toddler age, they are usually crying over SOMETHING.  The important thing is to look at the reason why they are crying and quickly assess to what extent their reaction is appropriate.  If the child is hurt or scared, they can wail as loudly as they want.  If they are frustrated or honestly reacting to something sad, then crying can be gently curbed down a few levels while help is attentively given.  If the child is demanding, throwing a fit, or otherwise just mad at you, then the crying should be admonished.  (And love given when they obey.)  Even if my little sixteen-month old bursts into tears when I put her down, I tell her nicely “No.  No crying.  We don’t cry because Mommy has to put you down.”  And then she gets some encouraging pats and something to do.

I only write this because most moms I see let their toddlers and preschoolers wail about everything.  It could be leaving the playground, not eating their corn, going to bed, being in a stroller, falling down, etc.  It is all World War III.  And there is no need for it to be.  Kids need to learn perspective, and there’s no cognitive reason why they can’t start when they’re a toddler.  One year olds can learn, partially, the difference between crying because they’re genuinely needing to and crying because they don’t get their way.  (Make extra provision for hunger, bed, and cuddles, though.)  And eighteen-month olds have the ability to quiet down enough to hear you talk.  Not only do little children get smarter from hearing your explanations, but they learn how to let you into their little worlds.  They don’t develop that sassy two or three year old thing of, “I Know You’re Talking But I Could Care Less Because I Don’t Have What I Want” thing.  It doesn’t mean they’ll never throw a tantrum.  Although they may throw considerably less.  But it does mean that they’ll be less locked into their little world when they do.  It is amazing how much yardage you can get with a volume control on the crying.

Can You Spoil a Baby?

Childraising literature today tells you that you cannot spoil a baby. Usually this is in the context of picking your newborn up. Several decades ago, popular psychology said that it was bad to pick a baby up every time it cried… you would create a demanding baby. It was also bad to feed a baby when it cried (you were supposed to use a clock), to coddle it “just because” (you should encourage independence), to co-sleep (cribs only please), and to hold it too much (use a jumper or seat instead). All these types of things were pampering the baby, “spoiling it,” and preparing it to be needy and insecure in life. Of course, this turned out to be false.

So today we are sort of in a reactionary environment where experts have swung to the other extreme. Recognizing the follies of the old style of parenting, they write books, articles, pamphlets, leaflets, and every other thing they can think of as if you yourself might still be clock-feeding your baby. Suffice it to say that I don’t know of anyone who parents their baby the way their grandmothers or great-grandmothers did. Do you? But the experts are still worried.

They have reason to be, in the sense that a newborn in particular is a very, very delicate thing. You should never ignore him or her, especially if you think they’re hungry. But that still doesn’t answer the question: Can you spoil a baby?

Yes and no.

You cannot spoil a newborn by picking him or her up too often. The old experts were right that picking the baby up DOES teach it about being picked up. But that is a good thing! When a baby cries and is picked up, they learn very quickly that they are not alone in this world. That someone is there to meet their needs. They learn that speech is part of communication.  They learn that being touched self-soothes.  Babies who are neglected in orphanages learn to be quiet instead of cry because they are neglected. They don’t cry for food, they don’t cry to be held, and they therefore suffer sleep, food, language, motor and sensory deprivation. No mom in their right mind wants that for their baby! So don’t let the fear of spoiling make you alienate your baby.

The same goes for holding the baby, feeding it, etc. Especially when you are dealing with the early months, your holding, touching, feeding, singing is not just nice but it is stimulating.  They may be getting “spoiled” in some sense (I prefer, “coddled”) but that encourages healthy baby development.  Coddling is good teaching.

But, I’m sorry to say that too much pampering CAN spoil a baby in the long run.  From the get-go, if your pampering means lax limits, then a baby learns that too.  It is only a matter of time before it will rear its ugly head.  A three or six month old will probably express their first attitude in an isolated area (usually nursing, diaper station, crib, or high chair will be the first place).  But an older baby, usually around the nine month mark, can cross over into the spoiling arena more significantly . Nine month old babies are very smart. And if you keep shuffling them around from station to station, giving them a cookie whenever they cry, holding them all day in a sling, allowing them to crawl all over you in the bed, letting them neglect their naps, etc., they will learn to be spoiled by twelve months. This 9-12 month time is when you want to start (gently) weaning them onto boundaries if you haven’t already. You can move your six month old from walker to jumper to seat to lap if he’s fussing, and that doesn’t spoil him. (Well, it may but he won’t remember it.)  But keep that up towards the first year mark and you are in for an exhausting toddler year.  They start encoding life.

That doesn’t mean you should become rigid and militant on the 9month birthday =) It just means that babies  grow and learn quickly from your teaching, and something more cognitively advanced starts kicking in during the second half of the first year. They go from being innocent to spoiling to suspicion!  Even up to the fifteen month age, a child can persist in being pretty innocent to how much you’re holding them, talking to them, giving them treats, letting them get away with things. But somewhere around that fifteen to eighteen month mark, they’re going to go from feeling blessed to feeling entitled. They will expect the great treatment you’re giving them because they will have internalized it as normal, part of the routine. And then they will, understandably, act up when they don’t get it!

So start the naps and food training earlier, before that twelve month mark. Start giving them small activities to do, some supervised and some unsupervised. Start making them get down when they want to walk all over your couch or table. Start denying them the food you’re eating every time they ask for it.  Teach them “no-no” for putting their hands in your mouth, touching cords, pulling your hair, or messing up the pages of your book while you’re reading it. Teach them “no” for putting things in their mouth that they shouldn’t, for being feisty during a diaper change, for pulling up your shirt to nurse, for doing bad things in their crib at night or during naps. These are all things that nine to fifteen month old babies can learn, which will mitigate whatever “spoiling” they got before. Also get them on an eat/sleep routine of some sort.  Eating and sleeping are notoriously the areas little kids first try to start controlling.  Get the good habits going so you can simply enforce them as time goes on.

And remember that it is probably better to spoil your baby at first and then back off, than it is to never indulge them. Babies DO learn from indulging, good things along with the bad. This is often why either firstborns or lastborns are the smartest of the bunch (whoever got the most indulging   Going out of your way to privilege them or not put them out teaches little children that you love them, that you’re there for them, that you pay attention to them, that they are communicating with you, that resources aren’t scarce, etc. It also gives them ample opportunities to develop skills.  They learn that there are good things in the world, that there is reason to be motivated to get them, that there are discoveries if they branch out of their boxes. These are all very important things that are worth giving too many cookies or too many privileges even if later, as a toddler, you realize that you have to revoke some.

And really don’t worry about the 0-3 month age at all. Do whatever you want. Try to figure out what you’re doing more by six months, but don’t stress over all the tricks of the trade that EVERY MOM uses to get them to go to sleep, eat the food, stop fussing, etc. Somewhere around nine months, start trying to wean your baby onto the simplest of limits, and work a couple things in by twelve months. Once they are babbling with you and showing more upsetness or frustration at limits (that fifteen to eighteen month mark), then seize the moment and start your child on the path you want them to follow during the two year old year. I promise, promise, promise that you will have an easier time that year, if you do.

Sweet Little Lies

How to deal with lying. Oh, it’s so hard! One day your little toddler is so innocent, calling your name and asking for a cracker. The next, they’re a guilty little preschooler, averting your gaze and twisting their toe in the dirt while they say, “I didn’t do it.” You know they did, and they’re not telling the truth. What do you do?

I admit I am still learning about this one. We have two preschoolers and one kindergartner in the house now, so any day is a prime candidate for about a dozen fibs. Some are big, some are small. Some are sly, some are cute. Some are averting blame, others are out of frustration. I’m a pretty black-and-white person but it almost seems each situation warrants its own solution. In particular, how do you discipline the lying without making them fear telling you the truth?

Well, it’s a tricky thing. And so far the good ol’ George Washington and The Cherry Tree story has not helped anybody in my house yet!

The first thing I have learned so far is not to take the lies too seriously. Or personally. Little kids DO know they are lying (contrary to popular literature on the subject), but they don’t have the moral context to understand the larger ramifications of why it’s wrong, who they could be hurting, or even what could come of it for them. This type of knowledge does not come until later, maybe 5 at the earliest. I would say that the longer or more complex the lie, the more moral understanding and therefore responsibility can be laid on the child. But the simple lies that 2-4 year olds tell are really just testing the waters. And they aren’t doing it because they’re awful people or because you’re an awful parent. They are just recognizing that something they did was a bad thing and hoping to avoid the consequences that may come.

Now here comes the tricky part. What are the consequences they are trying to avoid? Some consequences (like you yelling) can be mitigated and some (like giving back what they stole) can’t. But dealing with the lie depends on your understanding of what they’re trying to avoid. As much as possible, whatever it is, if you know that’s what they are afraid of, don’t do it when they tell the truth! If you have to do it, do it gently. That doesn’t mean you can’t punish them in some way (because most lies demand some sort of redemptive consequence). But the best way to deal with lies is by punishing lying more than the bad thing they did. Have a sliding scale: if they lie they get this (worse), if they tell the truth they get that (better).

For example, my five year old scribbled markers on his blanket today. I asked him if he did it and he told the truth… victory! So I thanked him for telling the truth and we talked about why that was a bad thing. He fortunately already knew why so when we imposed the consequence on him (sleeping without his blanket for awhile), he sensed the justice in it and was therefore not encouraged to lie. Had I yelled or scolded him, locked his markers away, or made World War III out of it, he would have been encouraged to lie next time. Previously he has lied to me on various occasions and I admit that I was probably a reinforcer–I tend to be so upset at what he’s done or the fact that he’s lying that I lose perspective (it’s not sex or drugs!). Scribbling on his quilt (which his grandfather gave us) without losing my cool took some effort. But luckily God reminded me that it was washable marker before I launched in On other occasions, I have handed him over to Dad, who seems to keep his temper better than I do.

On the other hand, I have no problem dealing with my younger children who lie. I am used to the “I think he did it” when I ask “Who?,” and the “I don’t know” when they very well do, and the “I finished” when I know there’s some carrots left on the plate. In these cases, the best solution is to (calmly) tell the truth for them: “No, you didn’t finish. Don’t lie.” and lead them (calmly) back to do the redemptive action (sit back down at the table). Sometimes I even say it in first person for them… “You mean, ‘I did it Mommy’.” so they can hear the difference. If I’m lucky, they’ll echo me and I praise them for that. It’s as if my saying it for them somehow sheltered them from the fear of responsibility, or paved the way for them. And that’s a good thing. That’s their training wheels. The more they learn that it’s ok to admit the bad thing, and the terrible consequence did not reign down on them (but the right thing was enforced gently anyway), the more of a clean conscience they’re going to acquire. And if you can consistently lead them back to the thing they should do (eat those carrots) without losing your cool, the kids learn that fibbing does not pay off… they still have to do what they didn’t want to.

So does this make sense? Remember you want to teach several things:

1. Telling the truth is more important than what you did. (Lying is wrong).

2. If you did something wrong, it does have to be corrected. (Lying doesn’t work).

As soon as the little ones realize this (and it can take awhile), and they see how punishment fits the crime but can be handled gently if they confess, you will win them to the truth. And remember… always, always praise them for a confession, even if discipline must follow. Mercy triumphs over judgment.

Miracle Diet

So after trying every diet I could think of, I still couldn’t lose any weight after my fourth baby. With my other three babies, the weight came off naturally in about six months. With the fourth, I tried strategy after strategy and the scale stuck fast. I couldn’t lose one pound.

Well to be honest, I could lose a pound but then I’d just gain it back. Once I lost four pounds in two weeks and gained them back in about three days. So I gave up. I accepted my new size, about twenty pounds heavier than my old self.

But then, through a strange set of circumstances, I found a miracle cure. Eighteen months into my fourth baby’s life, I suddenly lost about ten pounds in a month. It has unstuck my scale! Try it and see if it works for you. There are three simple rules:

1. No beef, no chicken.

2. No excess sugar (sweets, candy, dessert)

3. Water

I know there has been a lot of talk in recent years about low-carb diets. But I really think the older wisdom of the low-fat diet is more effective for a postpartum mom. When you’re pregnant or breastfeeding, the body stores fat for the baby. So you usually end up with less muscle and more fat proportionally on your body. Do this over several years with a couple babies and the body changes more significantly. It adapts to the situation, seeming to manufacture flab! Even when you lose weight, it is easier to lose muscle rather than fat, especially in the waist and legs. Thus most people never return to pre-partum pants sizes even if they get skinnier. They retain enough fat in the waist and legs, more disproportately, to keep from dipping below size 8 (or size 14!). I think the key–at least at this time–is more low-fat than low-carb so the body takes in less fat and is therefore less likely to store it and more likely to burn the fat that is already there when it is fat-burning mode. (Perhaps not incidentally, I craved meat and dairy–fats–when I was pregnant, which I never had before).

Also, I know no beef/chicken is radical. I was definitely not into vegetarianism (although I admire the position). I just don’t like vegetables and vegetarian substitutions enough. But I had no idea that meat was affecting my metabolism until I stopped eating it regularly. As soon as I cut out beef and chicken (which almost every meal on a menu, even soup and salad, contains), I lost a couple pounds immediately. I didn’t cut out all meat because even with healthy options I felt loss of protein. But by cutting out beef and chicken on a daily basis, I cut out most of it out from my routine. Whenever I was faced with a non-vegetarian menu or a carnivorous moment, I had fish (and pork one time). It satisfied the craving, kicked my meat addiction (which I didn’t know I had), and worked magic. I assume it is because animal fat has a different effect on the body than non-animal fat.

Kicking the sugar habit was harder because sugar is in everything. I had tried No Sugar diets before but found myself relying on sweeteners which I have heard is possibly more dangerous than white sugar. Diet soda, coffee, and other staples of my diet seemed to be working against me even when I had victory over the chocolate habit. So I picked a rule I could live with, which was no EXCESS sugar. No desserts, no sweet tooth fixes, no cookies at Panera, etc. As soon as I did this, but left sugar in my coffee/tea, syrup for the pancakes I had on Mothers Day, and other reasonable sugar instances, I was able to eliminate a reasonable amount of sugar without craving it. I used organic pop-tarts for those moments when I was weak =) In conjunction with the less meat thing, I think my body got a major metabolic shake-up.

My third rule of Water was important, although I was not able to cut out all other drinks. I have done this at times before–drunk only water–but usually lapsed when I was at some function that only had coffee as a refreshment. Plus it is summer now and the prospect of lemonade or other refreshments loom large. I am not a good water drinker usually, so this time I just made a rule of adding water, not subtracting other things. And it really worked.

The rest of my diet I kept basically the same. I did not exercise a whole lot. I did not add in all kinds of foods I didn’t like. I didn’t cook things I should but didn’t want to eat. I did not add in supplements, skip meals, or use weight loss drugs. I did not join a gym or start regular walks (even though I want to). But my scale needle finally unstuck anyway. I finally got into some of my old pants after eighteen months in my new larger size. If it can work for me, it might work for you too!