Time-Out!

Time-outs are now the standard discipline for little kids. It is a new religion among child psychologists: nothing works better than the time-out, and certainly not traditional punishment! Now before you put me in the cruel and stodgy camp, let me make one thing clear:

I am for Time-outs.

BUT. I am not for time-outs as the catch-all solution that experts say it is. Let me explain:

Time-outs are basically a brief period of isolation that allows a child some space to get themselves together. Some moms use a Naughty Chair, corner, staircase, or the kid’s room. But mark my words, timeout is not discipline. Time-outs don’t TEACH a child anything. They are a passive form of instruction, not an active one. In order for a time-out to work, it has to be applied at the appropriate time.

Think about getting a time-out yourself—when does some time alone benefit you? If your emotions are out of control, like you don’t know how to feel or you feel too angry, sad, etc., then having some isolation time can help. You can reintegrate—breathe, relax, think, even have a good cry. But does having a time-out work when you need answers? Something else to do? Or an issue to talk out? Actually, during some of these times being alone can make you madder. Now imagine that someone else is ORDERING you to be by yourself, and you’ve got the potential for rage. Or, if you are a more controlled type, bitterness.

I am convinced that children are not much different than adults in this capacity. They can begin harboring resentment at us or the rules when they get time-out, even as young as two years old. Watch a youngster’s face when you get upset and send him to his room. Even if you manage to do it out of love instead of anger, do you still see the face? Rejected, bitter, upset… that’s the same face you’ll see when they’re ten. The reason is because they don’t know how to use that time alone to their advantage.

Surely, time-outs can be good if a child is overwhelmed, overstimulated, or confused. Sometimes too much is going on and they don’t know what to think or otherwise just need a break. Time alone can help them can gather their thoughts, take stock of what went wrong, and what they need to do about it. With your help, they get up with a plan. But again, if they’re just mad about what went on, getting alone time often permits thoughts to escalate.  Doesn’t this happen to you?  You start justifying yourself, making a case, and storing up for the explosive conflict to come. You rehearse what you’re going to say, but you definitely don’t change your mind and decide you’re in the wrong. At least, not usually.

The same is true for little kids. Little kids, especially ages 2-4, get angry a lot. Not angry in an adult, wrathful, threatening way. But just basic upsetness at you, the rules, the situation, the toy, the world. And they have limited ability to help themselves. Their emotions are strong, quick, and usually uncontrolled. They are typically unable to get a hold of themselves and come up with a reasonable plan on their own. They need you to do it for them. And the younger they are, the less they understand so the more you have to help them through their feelings and any possible solutions. So a time-out when they’re naughty is usually not helpful. They just stew or forget.

With a 1,2,4,and 5 year old in my house, here are some times that I have observed time-outs being helpful:
–during a violent temper tantrum: when older toddlers are deep in the throes and lost control, being isolated briefly (like in a playpen) can help them vent safely. When they’ve vented, they’re usually more ready to hear whatever you want to say. Also, you have time to stay calm and make a plan. (A couple years ago, the lady in an apartment above mine admitted to actually LAYING on her four-year old to stop her violent tantrums! I’d advise against this.)

–hurt feelings: a preschooler who is upset at a sibling, parent, or friend can benefit from some personal space when he or she is whiny. They can usually talk to you about the situation without crying once they’ve sat for a couple minutes. Or sometimes they’ve let the situation go on their own, ready to play again. This gives liberty and teaches self-control without shaming or overinvolvement.

--unreadiness: a toddler or preschooler who is not ready to face life because he or she is more sensitive, tired, or whatever, can benefit from a couple minutes by themselves in a chair. When they’re ready (to eat, to move, to go out), they can get down by themselves. This teaches initiative and self-recognition. I usually make the criteria for getting down to have a smile or “happy heart.” When their faces and hearts are smiley, I know they are ready to face Mommy, siblings, life.  If they get down and the first thing they do is whine, it’s right back up and they get the picture.

–uncharacteristic naughtiness: When your child does something very uncharacteristic of their normal behavior, like throw something at somebody, it usually means something unique occurred to hurt their feelings or provoke them. While not allowing the time-out to substitute for consequences and restitution, a couple minutes in timeout can help them get a break from the situation. Then you can talk to them about what was going on and decide whether they are allowed to go back.

When I think about it, most of the times my kids get sent to a time-out, it is for whining and complaining. I simply can’t deal with them when they’re like that, unless it is a very concrete thing they need (their zipper is stuck, they lost a lego, etc.). There is no reason why a 3 or 4 year old, an even a 2 year old if he is verbal, cannot be encouraged to use words and a normal voice when they are explaining themselves. Rational people can implement rational behavior; emotional people are not ready for your solutions.

But a lot of moms I know use the Time-out as their main discipline. Instead of using limits, consequences, restitution, or appropriate punishment, they see the timeout as punishment. Time-out is only punishment if the crime was showing off. Then a timeout (isolation from other people) becomes discipline. But this is rare.

I am careful with the Time-out seat too. Our timeout place is simply an armchair in our front room. It is not a punishment place where they are removed from all human contact. They can hear and sometimes see whatever is going on, and they can call to me in an adjacent room. It is a comfortable chair where they can sit as long as they need, and where normal people also use it for normal reasons. These types of things are important because an ideal time-out place should facilitate the child re-integrating into life, which happens when they can see and hear what everyone else is doing (at least, a little). Their siblings aren’t allowed to talk to them or bother them while they’re in the chair, but the perpetrator is often persuaded by observing life’s activities to let go of the whininess. They don’t zone out like if they would if they were on a staircase, they don’t get physically antsy as if they were in a corner or hard chair, and they don’t get to do other fun things or forget like if they were banished to their room. They simply sit and are reminded of life until they are ready. Almost always, they have to check in with me to give me a status update when they get up, before they rejoin. That way, we can have a talk and work out solutions/strategies if necessary.

So I guess my concluding point is: time-outs have their place, especially for the preschool and kindergarten age. But they DO NOT HELP DISOBEDIENCE. They don’t prevent it, I mean. No child will be motivated to reverse their current bad behavior by threatening a timeout. Nor will a child think twice about not doing something bad by remembering that they will be put in timeout afterwards. Nor should that be the point. The point should be a safe place to get emotional distance from a situation that requires it. The point should be regrouping. Don’t allow the timeout to substitute for explanation, instruction, and consequences. These all are part of the child learning to consider their behavior/attitude, and rethink their habits. If the child is ritually doing something wrong, like making a mess, being mean to somebody, or getting into things they shouldn’t, time alone is not going to fix that. Only a consequence—something that fits the crime: a limit, removal from situation, removal of privilege—will fix that. Don’t let experts or Nanny Diaries convince you otherwise.

Top Ten Choking Hazards

After four babies in a row, I have had four different experiences with children putting things in their mouths. One put everything, one put nothing, and two were somewhere in between. People generally think that kids under 3 can choke on anything (i.e. the warnings on most boxes). But really the top hazards are things that are small, round, and exactly the size of your baby’s windpipe. Especially between 6 and 18months.

Here are the top ten things that have made it on the list from around my house. (Some are esoteric, but just FYI

1. grapes
2. blueberries
3. hot dog pieces
4. Kix or other round cereal puffs
5. Skittles, M&Ms, or round candy pieces (not that you’re giving it to your baby but if someone else is enjoying them, they are likely to find them around somewhere)
   
6. ball bearings (like in Magnetix or MagneBlocks)
7. marbles (in several kids’ games)
8. Rokenbok balls
9. Lego heads, wheels, and tires
10. stringing beads (or beads on little girls’ accessories)

Other than small round things, here are my other top chokers at mealtime until the kids can chew well:

1. bread
2. bagels
3. chicken nuggets
4. chips or crispy things
5. popcorn, rice cakes, or flaky things
6. wheat thins or hard crackers
7. peanut butter
8. banana (have to keep it in small bits)
9. apple pieces
10. carrots
11. cut up steak, chicken or stringy things

Some of these hazards can be reduced by cutting into smaller pieces… grapes and blueberries can be cut in half, and chicken and hot dogs can be cut smaller than they usually are.

But there is nothing MORE scary than seeing your child choke!  Their eyes get red and their face starts to change color and your stomach ties in twenty knots like you are going to lose them right there on the spot!  But I think it happens to even the safest parents at some time.  Some slight gagging can resolve itself as the baby tries to regurgitate what’s stuck in their throat.  But if after just a second they cannot cough it up, take immediate action.

DON’T PANIC!!!! (Yeah right!)  The number one thing I found to work in a flash is, if the child is in a sitting position, to lean/push the child’s shoulders gently forward and down, about 20 or 30 degrees, so they are slightly bent over at the waist.  For some reason this forces most things to be choked back up if they are not totally stuck. About 90% of the time in my house, this happened in the high chair with real food, and it worked.

For the remaining 10% it was borderline emergency.  If they still couldn’t cough it up in about one or two seconds in that position, I went for their item itself.  I opened their mouths (held their nose if necessary to get them to open) and tried to grab the item myself.  One or two times it was too far down the throat to get, so I took my index finger and gently pushed it to go down the throat.  But this is an extremely dangerous procedure. The tissues in a toddler’s mouth are so tender that they are easily cut or damaged.  And not every item is safe to swallow.  But because I couldn’t get them to cough the thing up, the only real solution was to help them get it down.  (The last incident I remember being like this was with my 15 month old, who was eating a bread bagel in a Walmart shopping cart).  Assuming that they are not swallowing something metal or toxic, this is a less than ideal but safe option for many items.  Even a lego head or plastic bead can pass comfortably through the stool if absolutely necessary.  Give them a drink when it’s over.

Obviously this is not medical advice.  There are real professional choking procedures for babies that every mom should learn.  But I honestly never did and was afraid to try it on my babies when they started gagging.  What if they stopped breathing or turned blue while I was doing it?  None of my children ever choked when they were younger than one, no-one turned blue or stopped breathing, and no-one was swallowing anything poisonous.  So luckily the above two techniques worked for me, especially the leaning thing, so I pass them on as old wives tales, not as a substitute for getting trained in baby CPR/choking.

A Day in the Life of a Stay at Home Mom

There is a huge debate over whether moms should stay at home with their kids. Even Mom herself is sometimes not sure! And I see merit on both sides of the debate, although I used to be totally against the idea of staying at home.

However, helping four babies to grow has shown me how much they pick up from the intangibles of home life, and how glad I am that that backdrop (which includes me =) has formed the bedrock of their identities,even their subconsciouses. When they are older, they can take responsibility for their own identities. But for now, Daddy and I are in charge, striving to help them become happy, loving, and fun. Whereas each day is just a tiny speck on the radar screen—and not very much in any particular day would convince anybody to stay at home with their kids—the gathering of those tiny specks seems to have a lot of impact. From a long-term perspective, staying at home with them has changed their lives. While I fall short all the time, they are definitely gleaning from the time we have spent making our selves, our marriage, and our home… well, happy, loving, and fun!

Just for scientific purposes, I kept a running tab of one of my mornings, one my recent “specks”. Here’s how yesterday looked:

7:50am- Non-school day. Cell phone alarm goes off. I hit the snooze.

7:55am- this continues for fifteen more minutes.

8:10am- Still laying in the bed, I take stock of the fact that my cold is starting to heal. I’m excited about that and consider briefly the things I could tackle today, but then my thoughts switch to the breakfast routine.

8:15am- I get up, throw on a sweater, and go upstairs to assemble breakfast. Cereal, milk, and vitamins. Don’t forget that the baby has switched to rice milk for awhile because she seems to be acquiring a mild allergy to the regular milk. Note to self to record how long this goes on so when the doctor asks me how much whole milk she’s been drinking, I can give an apologetic.

8:20am- I wake up the kids. Oldest first, bathroom, breakfast. Then the second oldest, bathroom, breakfast. Then the two little ones, diapers, new pants, and breakfast.

8:25am- I sneak out the door to grab Dunkin Donuts. (My husband is still asleep in the bed). If I hurry, I can probably make it back before people are finished eating.

8:36am- Even though the line at DD was slightly long, I made it home to find only my oldest finished and jumping around. He’s curious about my bagel and coffee (Points for me for showing restraint!), but I stave him off by redirecting him to his toys.

8:37am- One bite into the bagel, my other two boys finish and they need direction too. I help them get stuff out of the closet, give them an assignment and turn back to my bagel. Then the baby cries from her high chair, reminding me I’ve forgotten her, so I go to the rescue. Then I really have an interested party in my food and the next five minutes is spent alternating bites from me to her. I’m mildly perturbed about that (subtract points for feeling selfish), but she’s so cute about the whole thing that I can’t resist. I smile and coo to her anyway =)

8:39am- in the midst of my bagel alternating, I start wondering when my husband is going to get up.

8:42am- I break up a situation with the boys, brush the crumbs off my hands, and check the email. I goof around with the news, etc.

9:10am- I get my act together and start cleaning the kitchen. The baby follows me, of course, and I spend about fifteen minutes trying to keep her out of the dishwasher, frig, and closet as I clean. Giving her the dustpan helps, and she happily tries to sweep up crumbs, although she doesn’t actually get any. The boys punctuate my cleaning too, giving me status updates about whoever is not sharing (“Tell him he has to share with you…”), whoever got a piece to work on their lego sculpture (“That’s great, honey”), and whoever is wondering what I’m doing (“Mommy’s just cleaning the kitchen. Go play.”). I tell myself that I’ll give them some personal time soon.

9:30am- My husband is up, gets some cereal in my nice clean kitchen, and goes into his office, half-naked, to get ready for his first conference call of the day. I smooch him a lot when he gets up, try not to interrupt him once he goes in (doesn’t work) and exchange general pleasantries about how nice it is to see him. The key to this is sublimating my annoyance (or jealousy) about his sleeping in and actually being in the moment, as I AM happy to see him. Now I feel “covered” like I have his presence as back-up power should i need it to face my kiddos, and I go into see them.

9:45-10:45am- I have talked to the kids about their things, which they love, switched some people’s activities, admired sculptures, corrected manners, and protected projects from the baby’s destructive path. I have considered what they should do after they are bored with what they currently have, straightened up a couple more things, disciplined one person for whining and having a bad heart, and AIM-ed my husband a couple times as he’s brought up random To-Do things that he remembered while on his conference call. I add those things to my Post-it and have a brief mini-argument over AIM about one item (the yard) in particular. Always argue about non-important things virtually… it saves a lot of feelings.

10:45am- I try to be a good girl and start a load of laundry, but I find out that I forgot the last load I put in there and it has become dry and mildewed. Restart, in hot water (subtract points for hurting the environment/energy), with lots of Tide with Bleach. At least the new dirty laundry is down there now.

10:55am- I hear “elephant feet” up there while I’m doing laundry, so I go upstairs to see what’s going on. Some boys get separated.

11:00am- Time to think about lunch. I get one boy to help me with the trays (Points for educational lesson!), which he does happily, and I manage to assemble something vaguely resembling the food pyramid from practically nothing. Add “grocery store” to my Post-it.

11:20am- The kids have all eaten and now have fresh wind for the afternoon. I put the baby down for her nap and consider whether I should take them to the playground while she naps. (My husband is still at home, on probably his third conference call, and the baby requires more vigilance at the playground than anyone else). I am just thinking about doing this, and trying to ward of negative thoughts about my city’s weather which I habitually criticize, when the phone rings. It is my realtor asking if we can have an open house this Sunday. (We’ve been trying to sell our house for a month and it is not going well.) So somehow this gets me off in discussions with my husband about the house, planning, etc. I make more phone calls, negotiate more child problems (stuck K’nex, thigns too high, brothers not sharing), read more online news, and somehow let the afternoon get away from me. In the back of my mind, I am vaguely aware of my running tape which consists of reminders about wanting to lose 10 lbs, specific areas I need to clean before we have an open house, how much I am glad I finally have a daughter, worry about what I will do with my 5-year old this summer when kindergarten is out, and mild disapproval over the fact that my husband kind of wants to take a trip to Canada with everybody this summer and I don’t want to go… blame it on the stress of trying to sell the house plus my distaste over taking long drives with the young kids. But I try to stay positive, not be anxious, and procrastinate THAT ugly talk with my husband which will bring up other more philosophical things.

12:30pm- Baby wakes up early. No playground. Shoot!

Hiring a Babysitter

The other day, my husband’s coworker told him about how his wife was having a hard time finding a babysitter. Well, not finding one, but liking one! It wasn’t that she was intolerant, it was just that she was having a hard time separating from her kids. This reminded me of the struggle I had myself, which looking back seems kind of humorous, so I thought I’d post about it here.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Lots of moms are so overwhelmed by child-raising that even a SNOWMAN seems a suitable candidate when compared to spending another night at home. I definitely felt this way after baby #4. But for many moms who put their hearts and souls into their children, they don’t want just ANY babysitter. They want to get out of the house, but at what cost? When faced with options, they might just as well decide it’s not worth it, they’ll stay at home (again).

Originally, I felt this way. And I practiced it… In four years, I probably left the home about a dozen times. And most of those were when my in-laws came and kicked me and my husband out! (I’m not kidding!). I remember going to three weddings and having my best friends (adults) babysit two of those times. And I remember having my husband’s best friend visit us a couple times, long-distance, and because he always stayed with us for free he babysat a couple times while we ran to Panera. Other than that, I can’t recall ever going out. I never just went out on a date, or got out by myself except after the kids were in bed and I knew my husband could be trusted to house-sit =) When push came to shove, I chose the stress of staying in over the stress of finding a way out.

What was wrong with me?

As I try to analyze it, I see a couple roots:

• worry
• control
• habit
• stinginess

Even the hiring process just seemed like stress. And I couldn’t deal with more stress! Just thinking of breaking the habit, stirring up the routine, causing the kids separation anxiety, picturing the babysitter pulling her hair, doling out the money, etc. was enough to make me feel depressed. Was it worth it? Now that I’ve had a couple months of regular “date nights,” I have found out that it is. So here are some of the steps I went through.

Part of the problem was finding a babysitter. Gone are the days when you could hire the teenager down the street. If your neighborhood is anything like ours, people don’t talk to each other and you don’t even know if your neighbors have a teenage girl. If they do, you certainly don’t know anything about them, including if they babysit. Many girls don’t. And many aren’t responsible. So do you Craigslist? Put up an ad somewhere? Ask around at church or community place? In my limited experience, asking for a referral was actually the best. Ask a friend who they use and when you call that candidate, if they say no, ask them if they could refer you to one of their friends who also babysits. Chances are, you’ll get someone more reliable than you would just randomly. Make sure they live somewhat near you, though, since you’ll have to be willing to transport back and forth, which can add time or stress to the planning.

Once you have actually located a potential babysitter, you have to check them out. Nowadays you have to be very careful who you let into your home. What if they ignore the kids and watch YouTube all night? Or talk on their cell? What if they IM chat or MySpace it in ways they shouldn’t? What if they watch one of your PG-13 movies around your kindergartener? Gone are the days where most teenagers think about a lot of those things, or have a sensitive conscience about it. Even if they are sensitive, they might be totally unqualified. Babysitting is less standard than when I was growing up and all my friends and I did it. Many girls have never spent time in a nursery or been around friends who have had substantially younger siblings. Many don’t want to take charge or know how to (properly). Some girls I’ve talked to, though lovely, have not really known the difference between a toddler and a preschooler. Or felt comfortable with more than two children at a time. So you have to go over these things. (And finding someone who knows CPR or safety procedures is a real plus.)

Then there is affording it. No longer can you get by with five dollars an hour. Now it has to be above the minimum wage with a good tip. And you’re at a loss because you are already paying to go out! Where we live, $15 an hour is pretty common, with poor people vying for $10 and richer people offering $20/hr. That is a huge commitment! But what are you going to do? Give up your chance to go out, when you worked hard to find the babysitter to begin with? Especially if you like who you hire, you want to keep them happy. Set aside part of your budget for at least one monthly date and skip some treats the prior week if you feel guilty about it.

Then of course there is a big thing of just liking the babysitter and feeling like they can replace you while you’re gone. Mommies tend to feel very particular about how their little ones should be taken care of since they work so hard at getting things just right! You try to keep them from jumping on the couch, from eating junk food, from watching too much TV, and staying up too late. And it is very worrisome to imagine that someone is going to change the rules on you while you’re gone. You don’t want to be a stickler, but you can’t help it! You feel compelled to find someone who can be more like you, rather than less. The only way out of this trap is to focus on the time out you’re going to have and let the joy of the trip replace the control you want at the home. It’s just one night, and it’s good for the kids too. They’ll go back to normal by the next day.

While I didn’t have as much trouble with being “replaced” as a friend of mine, I did have a funny personal worry: that watching my children would be too difficult for a young girl and therefore she might be turned off from motherhood! It sounds so silly now, to say that, but I guess I just felt responsible for making sure the babysitter didn’t have a hard time, which I surely couldn’t promise! I felt like I had to ensure she liked everything. And since I felt so overwhelmed with my own children at the time (and remember, I have four under the age of 5yrs), I was worried that my sitter would surely be overwhelmed… how could I invite her to have this experience? I think I also remembered feeling reluctant to babysit certain children myself, when I was a girl. I’d think, “OH NO, not THAT family!” But I didn’t feel the liberty to tell whomever it was that I didn’t want to sit. Now as the mom who loves her children I thought of how tragic it would be to cause that reaction in another person. I had a distinct fear that in this day and age of feminism, that helping my kids behave would turn her off from wanting to have her own children.

My husband assured me that this wouldn’t necessarily be the case, as long as I got someone who was experienced with little people and bold enough to tell me if they were having a problem =) You really can’t control someone else’s feelings, and they usually don’t feel as bad as you project they might. All my sitters have taken everything in stride, even things I thought were hard! Humbling. I also encourage feedback from my sitters so I can be sure they’re comfortable. And I try to keep my kids behaving as good as possible!

And the last reason I can think of that can cause fear or stress in a mother while finding a babysitter is sort of a sadistic one: you feel like you must be in charge of your own family, even if it causes you pain! This is classic Martyr Syndrome. You sabotage your own self (subconsciously) because you feel guilty, like it means less of you as a person if you want to take a break for awhile. A good friend of mine with three young children felt this way for awhile and she never left the house. She barely showered! It wasn’t just a habit, or that she felt her husband couldn’t handle things. She just felt like she had to suffer and accept her own suffering… like that meant she was a better mom, sacrificing more.

Don’t shake your head in disbelief… most of us have felt something like this at one time or another, even about something else =) It is easy to feel like “this is just your cross to bear” and garner support by playing the victim. After all, as fellow mothers it is our JOB to support each other and to make empathic statements. I totally believe in this. And it is our job to sacrifice for our family and give ourselves kudos for doing so (since no-one else in the house will But don’t make yourself feel better by doing things that would encourage the pity party. There are other ways of feeling better… like getting out!!

And your husband will definitely thank you for it, so do it for him even if not your kids or yourself.

Is there a Problem, or Isn’t there?

You have this precious baby.  Someone you’d give your life for.  In one sense, you probably are never taken up on that commitment.  But in another sense, you are asked for it every day…  You do give your life, usually just slowly.

So what happens when you start to suspect your precious baby is having a problem?  Not a physical one, for which you can just take him to the doctor.  Or the common snap reaction: “Hmm… is that normal?” where you call up one of your friends with kids. But a real social, emotional, or cognitive problem.  There is no place you can rush off to, to get counsel and support.  Every time you look at another child, you have an uneasy sinking in your stomach.  Something that confirms your worst fears, something that shows you, “My child isn’t normal.”  Experienced adults like grandparents or the pediatrician ask you—because you are the Mother and you know All—”Why does he do that?” and that’s unnerving.  Even going to your friends’ houses, if they have the “normal” bouncy and bossy children, starts to make you afraid.  What are you doing wrong?

There is something dreadfully isolating about those types of feelings.  And yet I believe that every mom (or almost) experiences something like that when they first start to suspect.  Why is it that we feel so alone when mothers all over the country are waking up with the same, exact experience?  There are special needs kids everywhere—probably dozens in our own home town—and yet the pit of swirling fear and guilt gets us all, one at a time, and drags us into our own little world where we are trying to figure out the problem, contain our emotions, and present a controlled image on top.

On the other hand, we have to beware that there are fear-mongers everywhere now.  You can’t turn on Oprah or pick up a “Woman’s Day” without ads and feature stories about some new disease or the increasing pervasiveness of a once-unique one.  We have to draw boundaries and protect our families, and we have to put up fences that allow us to praise and hope for our children when outside voices are so pessimistic.  You also know that from first step on a playground that it “seems” most kids are actually fine.  They each have idiosyncrasies that need attention, but they generally fall into an acceptable range.  So you go back and forth trying to figure out if what you see in your own child, which is a yellow flag, is something to be concerned about, really.

So is there a problem, or isn’t there?  Assuming that you are bonded to your child, I hate to state the obvious: a mother always knows when something is wrong with her child.  She may not know what it is, but she knows it is there.

Author Karen Foli describes it like this:

“When the child is not developing as fast as he should, the situation is so overwhelming that denial sets in.  The mother and father talk.  Frequently, the father comforts the mother.  He tells her she’s worrying unnecessarily, that each child is different, that their child will develop at his or her own pace…But I couldn’t keep on denying what was in front of my eyes… Finally, I knew I had to act…I have learned to never underestimate a mother’s intuition.  The people who had these questions about [my child] were highly respected professionals with all the modern diagnostic tools.  They certainly should have been able to know what was wrong with [him.]  But as I looked into my son’s eyes, I knew they were missing something.  I had no idea what the problem was.  But I knew with certainty [that they had missed it.]“

 I had no idea what the problem was…  I definitely felt that way, as I was starting off with my own two special needs kids.  By the time they were toddlers, I had my suspicions and by the time they were preschoolers, I was definitely concerned.  If there is a real problem with your child, you feel this way.  If there is not, you probably don’t.  That gnawing sense of worry, deep in the heart where you are afraid to spill the beans about everything you’ve noticed… that’s when you know something is really wrong.

Now that doesn’t mean to panic!  I don’t believe in panicking!  But it does mean it is time to act.  Stop looking at your friend’s kids, stop reading books at the bookstore (or online), and stop debating about what the pediatrician said.  Stop keeping notes or writing about your woes in your journal, and stop trying to convince your husband that you aren’t just a worrywart.  Call Early Intervention (if the child is under 3) or take the child to the nearest preschool with an evaluation center, and get it checked out.  It will be a step onto a roller-coaster if your fears are confirmed, but stepping onto that roller-coaster is one step closer to getting off.  If you don’t go, you’re only postponing the ride.

Signs of Auditory Processing Disorder

Auditory Processing Disorder (sometimes CAPD) mimics symptoms of autism and retardation, but it is not the same.  Whereas autism is primarily a social disorder and retardation is primarily cognitive deficit, CAPD kids have the ability to be both social and smart.  The processing of verbal information, however, is impeded, which delays their abilities in both social (communication) and cognitive areas.

My oldest son struggles with this and looking back on it now, these were the things that stood out to me most… some were just impressions that, now that I’ve known other APD kids, are common to feel.

• Couldn’t talk by 3 yrs old, or 3.5 when other kids who were slow to talk were catching up
• Couldn’t comprehend the simplest things said
• Didn’t make eye contact regularly; when asked to, eye contact actually seemed to impede comprehension
• anxious or distracted personality, high-need
• reacted to noise, enjoyed noise/sounds; but may not turn when spoken to
• May be eager to go away when spoken to, or may keep listening after the speaking is done
• Just doesn’t “get it”
• Acts as though they are ESL
• I could tell on the inside that he was bright and smart, especially as I watched him do puzzles or watch a video, but his eyes were glazed or clouded when I talked to him
• I used to feel like when I spoke to my him, that I “saw” cotton in his ears that I just wanted to pull out so he’d “hear” me!